Nosy SIL

JennGinDC

I have a SIL who went against a number of etiquette norms for her wedding (cash bar, Jack and Jill fundraiser, honeymoon registry, etc.) as well as a number of traditions that I find tacky including a dollar dance and a garter/bouquet toss where she yelled out the names of the "single" people she felt should be participating (which included FI and I). 

She's a nice person but has some rude tendencies, which I overlook for the most part because I know she means well. But as I plan my own wedding, she is frequently asking about why I am not doing things the way she did (ie. why would anyone not have a cash bar or Jack and Jill like she did). My gut reaction is to scoff and let her know how rude such activities are, but I don't want to make a bride think that people might have thought her wedding was ill-conceived. 

Is there a gracious way to communicate my plans to her, or do you think that she could benefit from knowing where her actions violated etiquette? She is not one for whom "bean dipping" will work, she will push to hear why it is that FI and I are not conducting our wedding in the same way she did. 

Simply Fated

Just thank her for the suggestion and tell her you'll think about it. You can also try "it's not our cup if tea" or "We decided to do it X way, instead." While it's tempting to flat out tell her the ideas are rude, it's NOT going to shut her up and it will only make things worse.

AddieCake

I would just tell her that those things are not your style.

JennGinDC

Thank you, ladies. I like the open-ended way of answering her pointed questions. I tend to be more direct, so it hadn't occured to me as an option to simply give her vague answers, (especially since she is constantly pressing for answers to her questions) but it probably makes the most sense in this case. 

I know that if I were her, I would be mortified to learn how my wedding might have been received by loved ones, but I see the value in not raising it myself since - as KindaSparkly noted - she is not likely to have another wedding anytime soon.

BMoreBride6

Look at it this way...If you are going to be going out with friends and a friend is wearing an outfit that isn't exactly flattering, you are still in her home where she has the opportunity to change, and they ask, "be honest, how does this outfit look?", you could gently suggest some other options that you think look great on her.  If you are already out and she does not have a chance to change into anything else and she asks the same question, you tell her she looks fine.  Telling someone something negative about themselves when they no longer have the opportunity to change it doesn't help anything and just makes them feel bad.  

MuppetOverlord

Yeah it won't do any good to tell her your negative opinion on everything she did . I agree with PPs...just tell her that's not your style and leave it at that. If she pushes, change the subject.

MuppetOverlord

Yeah it won't do any good to tell her your negative opinion on everything she did . I agree with PPs...just tell her that's not your style and leave it at that. If she pushes, change the subject.