Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties

mbuckley85

How "involved" should the bride/groom be in planning the bachelor/bachelorette party?  If you were involved, what exactly did you do?

Here is why I am asking:

FI was the BM in a wedding for a good friend back in August.  When it came to the bachelor party, the groom gave FI a few ideas and the list of people and was trying to do all the communicating to the people invited.  I told FI that it wasn't appropriate for him to be so involved and FI got all the contact information for the guys and did it himself.

Now, FI's bachelor party is coming up.  His friend (the same guy he was BM for back in August who is his BM as well) is asking him what he wants to do, where he wants to go, who should be there, etc.  He has made no offer to call/email the guys himself, leaving FI to basically plan his own party.  I just feel like that is inappropriate.

I know for mine, I'm uninvolved.  I told my MOH that I didn't want one unless it was not a drink-fest, like a spa day.  Apparently, it is next Sunday (just found out) and we are doing a spa day.  I would assume that the other girls in the wedding party will be there, but I was never asked.  I know they all have each other's information so it should be communicated to everyone.  I'm not stressed about it.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorbachelorette-parties-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:771c2328-0d91-45e7-a93d-7e87f759b6b8Post:83045525-7dfd-4010-a33c-acc9a45375c1">Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties</a>:
[QUOTE]How "involved" should the bride/groom be in planning the bachelor/bachelorette party?  If you were involved, what exactly did you do? Here is why I am asking: FI was the BM in a wedding for a good friend back in August.  When it came to the bachelor party, the groom gave FI a few ideas and the list of people and was trying to do all the communicating to the people invited.  I told FI that it wasn't appropriate for him to be so involved and FI got all the contact information for the guys and did it himself. Now, FI's bachelor party is coming up.  His friend (the same guy he was BM for back in August who is his BM as well) is asking him what he wants to do, where he wants to go, who should be there, etc.  He has made no offer to call/email the guys himself, leaving FI to basically plan his own party.  I just feel like that is inappropriate. I know for mine, I'm uninvolved.  I told my MOH that I didn't want one unless it was not a drink-fest, like a spa day.  Apparently, it is next Sunday (just found out) and we are doing a spa day.  I would assume that the other girls in the wedding party will be there, but I was never asked.  I know they all have each other's information so it should be communicated to everyone.  I'm not stressed about it.
Posted by mbuckley85[/QUOTE]

Getting a few ideas and a list of people to invite is as much as the bride/groom should be involved. If nobody is stepping up to do the heavy lifting (and it doesn't have to be the best man, it can be anybody), then your FI shouldn't a bachelor party.

HockeyFan4

Men tend to be bad with this.  He should definitely get an idea of what your FI wants to do, and who to invite, but should be the BM should be doing the work. 

My H had to repeatedly tell his friends he didn't want to go to a strip club.  They ended up going to Hooters for wings and then hanging out at a friends house.  H's best man is friends with the two groups of friends we have, so he had everyone's contact info there...but he had me extend the invite & all the info to my brothers.

Carson386

Nobody has really talked to us much about bachelor/bachelorette parties because we have so much time. I know FI's best man has already asked what he wanted to do which really isn't rude. One of my BM's assumed I wanted to go out drinking and to strip clubs, I don't drink, I would probably not be happy if she planned a night of drinking when everyone knows I don't drink. There is nothing wrong with having a spa day.
I really don't see anything wrong with the BM asking your FI who he wants there. When my girls throw my party, I want my step sister (that is not part of our wedding party by her choice) to be invited.

banana468

I agree with you but I think men aren't always ones to follow etiquette rules.

libby2483

My H did not plan his bachelor party at all.  His best man gave him a list of people and said, "Here is who I am thinking of inviting.  Anyone I should add or take off the list?"  He also double checked the date to make sure it would work with H.  But H didn't have any idea where the bachelor party was or what they were doing until that weekend.  

My little sister was my MOH, and since she doesn't know all of my friends, I gave her a list of people to invite.  I also gave her a few ideas of what I would like to do.  I actually ended up putting our hotel on my credit card, too, because she wasn't old enough to reserve a hotel room.

I feel like your FI's friend isn't doing anything wrong unless he expects FI to call and invite all of these people himself.  Asking for input on what he would like to do and the guest list is fine, but FI's friend should do the actual inviting himself.

[Deleted User]

The wives of two of our groomsmen are nudging them along with planning.  FI has largely been kept out of the loop.  He's approved the guest list, but beyond knowing the date he does not even know what or where they are going.

For my party, my MOH ran some ideas by me and settled on one and then that was the extent of my involvement.

DramaGeek

H told his best man he didn't want anything to do with strippers and would prefer to go golfing or something with just the men in the bridal party.  The BM then said that if there couldn't be strippers he wasn't planning it.  That was the end of a H's Bachelor Party.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for the BM to ask for ideas and a guest list.  After that, I agree with you that the BM should be the one to do the inviting.  But, we've seen here time and time again that many men tend to follow a different kind of etiquette, one that most women shudder to hear of.

mbuckley85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorbachelorette-parties-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:771c2328-0d91-45e7-a93d-7e87f759b6b8Post:b7e976fd-3b77-48f6-997f-4f3a82d36e48">Re: Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties : Getting a few ideas and a list of people to invite is as much as the bride/groom should be involved. If nobody is stepping up to do the heavy lifting (and it doesn't have to be the best man, it can be anybody), then your FI shouldn't a bachelor party.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>He isn't, by any means, planning it and the other guy offered to "be in charge".  FI wouldn't have had one otherwise.  I didn't mean to come across that way.  It just seems like FI shouldn't be doing the little things, like trying to see what day works for everyone and stuff.</div>

mbuckley85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorbachelorette-parties-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:771c2328-0d91-45e7-a93d-7e87f759b6b8Post:e2b13127-f1e7-4712-b4f7-81ca87523023">Re:Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties</a>:
[QUOTE]So how is giving a few suggestions when asked by the host more involved than insisting that it be nonalcoholic and daytime? There is nothing wrong with giving a few ideas you would like if asked, and yes, the bride or groom should have a say in the guestlist. The host decides how many, but the who should be cleared through the guest of honor. You're right that the guest of honor shouldn't plan their own parties or try to force certain plans on the hosts, <strong>but I think you are overreacting a b</strong>it.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm not upset at all about what is happening.  I just think that maybe the BM should be the one calling the guys to pick the date and everything.

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mbuckley85

I always wonder about the under 21 question. I was a part of two bachelorette parties, one which the bride wanted her 17 year old stepsister in law who wasn't in the wedding, to be invited and another one where the bride had a 20 year old sister. It's so difficult to work around an underage person. Part of me not having any desire to drink excessively during my bachelorette party is because my 17 year old sister will be there. I rarely drink anymore anyway. FI is not a drinker and has included my 17 year old cousin in his day as well. He is going golfing for his day.

Meegles4

My MOH asked me a few times about what I wanted to do, and ran her plans by me several times just to make sure she was staying in line with what I wanted. In the end, the party was also hosted at my apartment, but that was more for convenience than anything else. My BMs brought in all the food and drink, etc. My MOH also sent the evite. Initially she was going to leave me off of it entirely, but I asked to be added to it just so I'd have all the details.

For the guys, the BM planned it; they went to Vegas. Biggest thing that happened there was that there were a couple guys who wanted to come but who weren't being invited to the wedding. The BM always ran it by me/H and I think in both cases he basically explained to the guys that they had been trying to keep it to people invited to the wedding, but that if they still wanted to come to Vegas they could. I guess it at least gave them the heads up that there was a reason they weren't on the original invitation list (they weren't invited to the wedding). It annoyed me, but I got over it because as a PP said, guys aren't so good when it comes to etiquette and I think more than anything they wanted to go to Vegas, and didn't really care about a wedding invitation.

pomundson0

It would be impossible for my MOH to plan something for me... she's on the other side of the country, knows none of my friends, has three kids, and works AND goes to school full time. I don't expect her to plan something and cringe at the idea of adding more to her plate, as long as she's at the wedding, I'm happy  But, seeing as how everyone has their own lives and there is a lot of assumption of 'someone else is doing it', I'm planning a girls night out on the only free weekend I have to try and spend some time with them before the big day (I live three hours away and plan on driving in to hang out with them).  

My FI isn't really expecting one either... his first best man is his step-dad who does NOT go out at all, his second best man is under legal drinking age, so we don't see either of them really being able to plan something.  He has other friends who I'm sure would be more than happy to take him out for fun, I don't know if I need to drop a hint or what to do.  I'm a supporter of Boys Night Out and feel he's entitled to go have fun, hell we both are, but we may have to do the legwork ourselves

OwningAHome1981

There's no correct etiquette on this. Some brides want to plan their own and some don't. I am MOH for my sister and I planned hers. She told me where she wanted to go and I found the hotels, restaurants, clubs etc. She didn't want any involvement but I ran the ideas by her to make sure she was happy with what I decided. It's your call there's no right or wrong.