Need help with a compromise =/

bondingofsouls

Not sure if this is the right place.. but its a question about not making my FILs upset so makes sense =P

my FI was raised Christian; however, he has moved away form the religion in recent years. We would like to have our ceremony be interfaith, I suppose, however his parents become very upset when he uses his Hebrew name and views it as a slap in the face. 

Normally we are considerate to use given names but I would really like at least somewhere to have our hebrew names mentioned for not only religious reasons but because it's the names we go by for everyone besides his family and it seems more natural. 

Is there some way we can use both without having it sound weird like "Do you Aaron, a.k.a Jaedon...."

I'm at a loss and since it's a constant battle, or on a good day"don't talk about it" I don't want to deal with just having the ceremony as I wish and would like some sort of compromise.

I tried talking to his mom about it tonight and didn't get very far.... other than she doesn't approve and his grandma and grandpa will be confused and "are coming to see Aaron get married not this person they don't know."

WildRumpus

Is this something you WANT to compromise on? I understand not wanting to upset his parents, but at some point, it really is "your day" (I hate that I'm saying that!) You should be able to be married into whatever faith you choose. My grandparents have an issue with my FI and I not being married in a Catholic church, but I finally had to put my foot down and let them know what our plans were, and to tell them that while they had a right to be upset, it was our choice. If this is something that you and your FI feel strongly about, don't let others change your mind.

aMrsin09

If your FI has converted, have the ceremony in the Jewish faith (I think I phrased that correctly).

His family will have to adjust.  What happens when you have kids?  Will you have them baptised to please the family, even though you are both Jewish?

Set the boundaries now.

shortee426

Who is paying for the wedding. I FMIL is contributing I would consider her opinion much more than if she were not.

EDIT (cause I forgot to finish my thought): That being said, you need to do what you feel comfortable doing.  Have the ceremony in a faith (if any) that both you and your FI are comfortable in.  Has he actually converted?

WildRumpus

Could you maybe put a little note in the program explaining the use of your Hebrew names? That way the excuse of people being confused is moot

AmeliaAndSeth8890

Um. I find it a little weird that he'd go by his parents' name for him if EVERYONE else knows him as something different. I get wanting to please his parents, but at some point, that's going to get confusing to more than just you two. Btw, his parents sound ridiculous "not this person they don't know." Like your name is WHO you are.....not going there.

Maybe have them both on the programs & invites, but as far as the ceremony? I'd just say his Hebrew name if that is what most people there would know him by. How about.....Aaron Jaedon _______ ? I mean, it doesn't HAVE to be the place for a middle name? Wish I could be more helpful.

bondingofsouls

It's something that I feel strongly about and he feels awkward about. It is a recent change,offically about 6 months ago, and since then been a constant fight, and they only started acting civil towards each other 3 weeks ago... and we are getting married Feb. 5th, so I understand the desire to compromise and mend the relationship.

AmeliaAndSeth8890

Officially as in his name is officially changed? Then, for future's sake, I'd go with that name. That is his name going into this marriage and his family will have to accept it either now or later.

Unless I misunderstood. It happens.

aMrsin09

Did he discuss his conversion with his family to prepare them or did he just walk in one day and say "Hey, guess what, I converted"?

WildRumpus

Next question...does HE want to use his new name? Or for the sake of keeping the piece, use his given name?

bondingofsouls

"hey, guess what...." without those exact words. He was an atheist for 3 years beforehand tho so I would think they would have been at leas somewhatt happy with him believing in God... lol

bondingofsouls

When I brought it up to him he said "I haven't thought about it. Ask the knot." ^_^

WildRumpus

Yeah...sounds like you guys need to have a heart to heart and get on the same page about what he wants before you worry about his parents.

bondingofsouls

he says "He would like it, just like he would like his parents to accept the way his wishes to live his life, but he needs to be realistic about whether or not thats possible."

aMrsin09

If his Hebrew name is now his legal name, I imagine It needs to be used at some point, especially the Do you XXX take XXX.  It may be a wedding, but you are entering into a legal contract. 

I couldn't stand up there and say I Betty, when my name was Sue.

bondingofsouls

It is not his legal name yet. Ohio makes you jump through hoops to change your name.

WildRumpus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-compromise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77d86f79-6578-417a-b5f4-ac17e03a8405Post:69e78c4d-9e0d-4034-bfca-878bce64b336">Re: Need help with a compromise =/</a>:
[QUOTE]he says "He would like it, just like he would like his parents to accept the way his wishes to live his life, but he needs to be realistic about whether or not thats possible."
Posted by bondingofsouls[/QUOTE]


Then the decision is ultimately up to him. Use his new name or not. It really has to be that cut and dry. It sounds like he knows what he wants to do, he just needs to get over what his parents want. He's an adult, he made an adult decision to convert, he made an adult decision to change his name, now he needs be an adult and stick by that decision.

lyndausvi

 I wish I could give you some advice.  It must be hard for his parents to (1) accept he converted and (2) to no longer use the name that they gave him.   For some people 6 months might not be enough time to soak all that in.  Especially the name, his family has been calling him 'x' for way longer than you've known him so it's natural to them to use the given name.   I'm sure with time they will come around.

Since marriage is a legal contract,  would he be even able to use his Hebrew name?

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-compromise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77d86f79-6578-417a-b5f4-ac17e03a8405Post:8934fdbf-c212-4b8c-ac6d-e7bd4245518c">Re: Need help with a compromise =/</a>:
[QUOTE]my FI was raised Christian; however, he has moved away from the religion in recent years. (meaning he is now what?) We would like to have our ceremony be interfaith (interfaith between what religions?  and what does this include....or mean? ) We would like to have our ceremony be interfaith, I suppose, however his parents become very upset when he uses his Hebrew name and views it as a slap in the face.  Is he Jewish...if he isn't then why would his chirstian parents want him to use a jewish name.  <strong>Please don't be a 16 year old that doesn't not consider the  religious needs of you in laws.  N</strong>ormally we are considerate to use given names but I would really like at least somewhere to have our hebrew names mentioned for not only religious reasons but because it's the names we go by for everyone besides his family and it seems more natural. ( <strong>You just said it...everyone besides his family...so you are not considering his family? ...nice!  way to be a good daughter in law!) I</strong>s there some way we can use both without having it sound weird like "Do you Aaron, a.k.a Jaedon...." I'm at a loss and since it's a constant battle, or on a good day"don't talk about it" I don't want to deal with just having the ceremony as I wish and would like some sort of compromise. I tried talking to his mom about it tonight and didn't get very far.... other than she doesn't approve and his grandma and grandpa will be confused and "are coming to see Aaron get married not this person they don't know."
Posted by strasbjl[/QUOTE]

"Doesn't not" is a double negative that means she actually WOULD consider the opinion of FIL;s.
However, I'm *assuming* you simply meant "that doesn't concern the religious views of FIL's." I'm not sure what that has to do with acting like a 16 year old. I think your comments on this situation make <strong>you</strong> seem like the 16 year old.

Also, religion is very personal for everyone. Not being the same religion as your parents or FIL's does <strong>not</strong> make you a bad daughter or DIL. That's just crazy talk. One of the things I wouldn't want to compromise on is religion. I am not necessarily a part of one denomination, but I am Christian and want the ceremony to be that way. If everyone wanted us to have a ceremony with no religion, yeah I would definitely have a problem with that. This is something people should put their foot down if it means a lot to them, and if anyone in this situation is not regarding others' feelings, it would be FIL's.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-compromise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77d86f79-6578-417a-b5f4-ac17e03a8405Post:8934fdbf-c212-4b8c-ac6d-e7bd4245518c">Re: Need help with a compromise =/</a>:
[QUOTE]my FI was raised Christian; however, he has moved away from the religion in recent years. (meaning he is now what?) We would like to have our ceremony be interfaith (interfaith between what religions?  and what does this include....or mean? ) We would like to have our ceremony be interfaith, I suppose, however his parents become very upset when he uses his Hebrew name and views it as a slap in the face.  Is he Jewish...if he isn't then why would his chirstian parents want him to use a jewish name.  Please don't be a 16 year old that doesn't not consider the  religious needs of you in laws.  Normally we are considerate to use given names but I would really like at least somewhere to have our hebrew names mentioned for not only religious reasons but because it's the names we go by for everyone besides his family and it seems more natural. ( You just said it...everyone besides his family...so you are not considering his family? ...nice!  way to be a good daughter in law!) Is there some way we can use both without having it sound weird like "Do you Aaron, a.k.a Jaedon...." I'm at a loss and since it's a constant battle, or on a good day"don't talk about it" I don't want to deal with just having the ceremony as I wish and would like some sort of compromise. I tried talking to his mom about it tonight and didn't get very far.... other than she doesn't approve and his grandma and grandpa will be confused and "are coming to see Aaron get married not this person they don't know."
Posted by strasbjl[/QUOTE]

What does your response even mean? If her FI doesn't even follow the religion of his parents why would they choose to have a Christian ceremony in respect of FIL's faith. That would disrespecting OP's faith at the same time. I think you just wanted to come on here and be snarky without even reading the follow-up posts to understand the whole situation. Sounds to me like you're the 16 year old.

ETA: Sorry OP - diddn't offer my advice. I agree with PPs that say use your FIs name, but when it comes to the actual part where you're entering into a contract, you may have to use his legal name if it hasn't been changed by the wedding. Put both in the program/invitation. Speak with your rabbi/officient and see what they say about the ceremony. There may not be a way to compromise if you have to use his legal name.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-compromise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77d86f79-6578-417a-b5f4-ac17e03a8405Post:c5a518b6-c910-4d88-84d9-34f7be23c5d6">Re: Need help with a compromise =/</a>:
[QUOTE] I wish I could give you some advice.  It must be hard for his parents to (1) accept he converted and (2) to no longer use the name that they gave him.   For some people 6 months might not be enough time to soak all that in.  Especially the name, his family has been calling him 'x' for way longer than you've known him so it's natural to them to use the given name.   I'm sure with time they will come around. Since marriage is a legal contract,  would he be even able to use his Hebrew name?
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.  His parents named him and his family has known him with that name his whole life.  That is quite a change and one that some will have a hard time swallowing.

My other question is why has he changed his name?  It's not a rule that you must adopt a Hebrew name is all areas of life when you become Jewish so why rename yourself?  That seems, for lack of a better word, extreme.  I wonder what else is going on in this situation, especially considering the way his family is reacting to this.

mypalbabs

This is what I would do.

Early in the ceremony (and only that one time), I would have the officiant use ALL of the names, including middle and last, and from that point on, use only his preferred Hebrew name.

e.g., "Do you, Aaron Jaedon Middlename Lastname, take Bride'sEntireNameAlso..."

For the rest of the ceremony, he's just "Aaron" (I assume that's his Hebrew name).

Uh, this clunky concept is based on my memory of Catholic weddings where at some point in the ceremony, the groom's first name, Catholic name, middle name, and last name are cited.  Ditto for Bride.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-compromise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77d86f79-6578-417a-b5f4-ac17e03a8405Post:e25de58b-7995-499a-8a30-aa7e30df4a96">Re: Need help with a compromise =/</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need help with a compromise =/ :  My other question is why has he changed his name?  It's not a rule that you must adopt a Hebrew name is all areas of life when you become Jewish so why rename yourself?  That seems, for lack of a better word, extreme.  I wonder what else is going on in this situation, especially considering the way his family is reacting to this.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You took the words right out of my head.

</div>

bondingofsouls

Thank you so much for the responses. 

Yes, the name on the marriage contract will be his legal one and I understand that for at least a part of the ceremony will be nothing but legalities. 

From my understanding a person can use their hebrew name as little or as much as they wish. It's not uncommon for a person to completely change their name.... it's also not uncommon for a person to only use their hebrew name when it is required in ceremonies. 

As far as what faiths would be in the ceremony we are still working at it. He was raised Lutheran; however, I was raised New Age-ish. We are both B'nai Noah, which is similar to Judaism; however, neither of us are descendants of Abraham. 

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-compromise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77d86f79-6578-417a-b5f4-ac17e03a8405Post:87c6831a-0688-4645-8163-2c5bf061a45c">Re: Need help with a compromise =/</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you so much for the responses.  Yes, the name on the marriage contract will be his legal one and I understand that for at least a part of the ceremony will be nothing but legalities.  From my understanding a person can use their hebrew name as little or as much as they wish. It's not uncommon for a person to completely change their name.... it's also not uncommon for a person to only use their hebrew name when it is required in ceremonies.  As far as what faiths would be in the ceremony we are still working at it. He was raised Lutheran; however, I was raised New Age-ish. We are both B'nai Noah, which is similar to Judaism; however, neither of us are descendants of Abraham. 
Posted by bondingofsouls[/QUOTE]

I'm not saying he shouldn't use his Hebrew name as much as he wants.  I'm merely suggesting that completely obliterating his previous name is an extreme response to a religion change.  I can see why his parents/family are having trouble with it.

lyndausvi

It's not really a surprise the parents are not on the same page.  

Anyway, my grandfather's given name was only used by his family, to everyone one else he was Pete which was completely radom not even a standard nickname for any of his names.

When he got married it was listed as GivenFirst GivenMiddle  "Pete" last name.   I think that is the way you should addres everything.

I also have a co-worker who also goes by a completely different name that his given name and he also did his invitations GivenFirst GivenMiddle "name he goes by" Lastname.

hz80408

OP- Did you use his legal name on the invitations? What did you use there?

Being about 8 wks away, I'm asumming those have been sent or will be soon.

bondingofsouls

Doing the invitations sometime this week..... thats another reason I'm asking about the ceremony so that it's consistent with what we put on the invites.

hz80408

Well, IMO invitations are supposed to list your legal/birth given name.

For example, is some if goes by "Joe" but his legal name is William Joseph Smith, then William Joseph Smith should be on the invite.

squirrly

Edited based on ten's post below - they're B'nai Noah, which I completely missed.

It kind of sounds to me like you're pushing him to use his new Hebrew name and completely ignore his given name.  I'm guessing that you see his given name as a tie to his old Christianity and that's a big part of why. 

His family sees it as who he is. 

You said yourself that you can use your Hebrew name as much or as little as you want - that should be left to your FI. 

My opinion is this - you need to ask your priest/officiant/whatever what is required, and your FI what he wants.  What YOU want him to use for his name really doesn't matter here.  It's what HE wants, and so long as the officiant is ok with that, go with your FI's choice.

tenofcups4me

Guys, neither one of them are Jewish so typical Jewish rules aren't really applicable here. They're some religion that apparently is for Christians who go by certain old testament rules (at least as far as I can figure from some googling).