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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Wedding Date Advice

October is my favorite month, both for the fall colors and the weather. My FI loves October too, so even before we got engaged, we always knew we'd get married in October.

Now that we actually are engaged, we're getting some push-back on the date.

We have three close friends who work at the Jaycees' haunted house every October. They've been doing this for several years and look forward to it every year. It's a big part of their lives. They don't have assigned parts; it's mostly "show up in this area tonight and scare people". I've worked there before, and it was never an issue to get a night off because they usually had an overage of actors and could easily fill my spot. I figured, with enough notice (as in, a year), they could request my wedding date off.

When we announced our wedding date, however, we heard a lot of, "Why are you doing this to us? Why didn't you take this into consideration? You're forcing us to choose between the haunted house and your wedding - that's not fair. You should have picked a different month; you know we're always busy in October."

I feel pretty bad. We haven't reserved anything yet, but I don't want to move my wedding date to another month. These three people are important to me, and I can't imagine not having them there, but I also feel like they can request ONE night off in the several years they've been there. I'm not asking them to miss the entire season; I'm asking for one night. Then again, that makes me feel like I'm being all, "This is MY wedding," and I don't want to be a bridezilla.

Should I change the date? Am I being selfish? Are they being selfish? I don't know what to think anymore. I keep getting conflicting opinions from everyone involved.

Re: Wedding Date Advice

  • They are being silly.  Keep your date.  October doesn't belong to Halloween.

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  • It seems a bit silly that they can't take one night off from a volunteer position. If you plan around every person's tiny obligation, you will never find a wedding date.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-date-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7826b91b-74a5-4de8-8b8e-627eb81609ddPost:751773b0-c37e-46f5-a852-f1fe0d620527">Re: Wedding Date Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]They are being silly.  Keep your date.  October doesn't belong to Halloween.
    Posted by nextrightthing[/QUOTE]

    Well, they work there every weekend in October, so that's where I'm stuck. If they just worked Halloween weekend, it wouldn't be an issue since we're getting married on October 12.

    I just want to do the right thing and make as few waves as possible.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-date-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7826b91b-74a5-4de8-8b8e-627eb81609ddPost:9d58d33e-03e1-415a-a8c8-4bea9948b38a">Re: Wedding Date Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding Date Advice : Well, they work there every weekend in October, so that's where I'm stuck. If they just worked Halloween weekend, it wouldn't be an issue since we're getting married on October 12. I just want to do the right thing and make as few waves as possible.
    Posted by A&J101213[/QUOTE]
    I guess you need to decide what is more important: getting married in October or having these people there. <div>Honestly, I wouldn't change it. You can't please everyone and you already said you don't think it's a problem for them to ask off, other than they just don't want to.</div>
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  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2012
    I'd keep your date.

    It's one weekend and it's two weeks before Halloween.  They'll have many opportunities to get their scare on.

    It's also just one night.  If they are involved in some way with the wedding, be cool about them missing the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner if they want to go to the Haunted House on Friday night.  This way, they really are just missing one night.
  • I agree - a volunteer haunted house is not a committment I would change my wedding date over.  Keep your October date, and they will have to decide what is more important to them, seeing you guys get married, or scaring kids every weekend night in October.
  • Go ahead with your plan....but don't start spreading the date until you have your venue booked.

  • I think all of us at one time on another initially react negatively to something in the end is not really a big deal. 

    Let's hope your friends as just being that way.








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-date-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7826b91b-74a5-4de8-8b8e-627eb81609ddPost:e8084ce6-e9f6-4e3e-99ac-4ec0ed173034">Re: Wedding Date Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Go ahead with your plan....but don't start spreading the date until you have your venue booked.
    Posted by HockeyFan4[/QUOTE]
    Good advice. I'd hate to start telling people the date and then find out we have to change it because the venue is booked that weekend. Thanks. :)
  • I also think you should keep your October date.

    There is no reason (at least from what you have told us) that they can't take one night off from the volunteer position to attend your wedding.  As Crash said, you have to decide what is more important:  having your wedding in October or having those specific people there?  I imagine they will come around with enough notice, but you have to be okay with the chance that they don't.

    I would definitely keep my date.  You can't please everyone.
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  • I think the problem is that it's not just a wedding date that they're opposing, it's an entire month.

    If I had friends who would really miss my wedding in favor of working as a volunteer at a haunted house, then I wouldn't really want them there. Maybe your friends wouldn't actually miss your wedding, and just really would rather not have to choose.
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  • Dude, your friends would rather volunteer at a haunted house than attend your wedding?  


    Some "friends". 
  • edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-date-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7826b91b-74a5-4de8-8b8e-627eb81609ddPost:22574a07-d360-4d1d-92da-0ed020fb7a26">Re:Wedding Date Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd keep the date, but if you do, you need to be prepared that these people may not come. You have no obligation to plan your wedding date around other things going on in your guests' lives, but<strong> a wedding invite is not a subpoena and you cannot dictate that your friends miss something else for your wedding, no matter if they CAN get out of it or how trivial it may seem to you.
    </strong>Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
    Agreed. I realize how important this is to them and how much they love it. I guess I was just surprised at the backlash. They were so excited when we got engaged, and then when I said October it was a complete 180. Hopefully, they'll come around. I do understand how important this is to them. I guess I was just hoping I was important too and that they'd see this as a "once in a lifetime" thing.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-date-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7826b91b-74a5-4de8-8b8e-627eb81609ddPost:a13e45db-2c43-4252-8935-a1aa33d95231">Re: Wedding Date Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Dude, your friends would rather volunteer at a haunted house than attend your wedding?   Some "friends". 
    Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]
    That's exactly what's in the back of my mind. Maybe I'm being too nice and understanding. There's definitely a part of me that's pretty ragey and "WTF, DUDES?!?"
  • <font color="#999999">In</font> Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-date-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7826b91b-74a5-4de8-8b8e-627eb81609ddPost:8b53f4f4-2f12-49b7-a40a-4100c289e2d4">Re:Wedding Date Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Gotta be honest, there's never been a single wedding I wasn't actually in where I felt like I did, or would have, missed some huge once in a lifetime experience by not attending. Maybe it's because we have a lot of close friends scattered all over and I'm used to working jobs that are hard to get time off for, but when I've missed a good friend's wedding, my response tends to be "man, that sucks" for about 5 minutes and then I just don't think about it again. If that makes me a horrible friend, then so be it.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
    I don't think that makes you a horrible friend. I know nobody is going to be as excited for my wedding as I am. It just stings a little, that's all.

    I've been friends with one of them for 20 years, so I thought she'd be more excited. If she were getting married, I wouldn't care if it was on my birthday or during a time I normally take vacation or whatever; I'd be pretty upset if I had to miss her wedding. I guess I assumed she'd feel the same way. *shrug* I was wrong.

    Mostly, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being a selfish twat by keeping the wedding in October. I'm beginning to think this is one of those situations where there really isn't a "right" answer. The feedback is definitely appreciated, since I can see both sides of the coin now.
  • I don't think you're being selfish. You've given them over a year's notice to make arrangements to have another actor fill their spot that night. Even if you moved the wedding to another month, you'd probably end up with another friend or family member saying, "Oh, but I was planning to go to X that weekend."

    I think you should keep your date. Hopefully, your friends will come around.
  • I would keep the date you like (or really in this case, the month). If they choose to work at the haunted house rather than come to your wedding - it's on them. You'll boogie the night away and have the time of your life without them. They really are in no position to balk at your decision, it's not as if you've picked a Wednesday afternoon that would require them to take vacation time from a paying job. I'm pretty sure those things run pretty late. . . they could probably make it to your wedding, dance the night away, and still make it to the haunted house to get a few scares in before it closes. Either way - no skin off your back. Have the day you want the way you want it. The only opinion that really matters, is you and your FH's. 
  • edited July 2012
    Stick to your guns and keep the date you want.  If they do come, great.  if not, oh well, so be it.  I am sure they can sacrafice one night for your wedding.  like PP said, they can always go get thier scare on after your wedding.  All that matters is what works best for you and your FI.  No matter what you do, someone will wine about it.  You cannot please everyone, all that is important is that you and your FI are pleased.  Everyoneelse can either support you or just deal with it.  GL.
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  • I do NOT advocate moving the wedding for your friends, but is there a way to have the wedding early in October so that you can get your fall wedding and maybe it won't interfere with the big haunted house weekends at the end of the month? I'm sure there is set-up early in the month, but they could maybe do that before the wedding or on Sunday. If there isn't a happy alternative, than do what you want to do.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-date-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7826b91b-74a5-4de8-8b8e-627eb81609ddPost:b4d0adc1-2d48-41a7-a673-fcfecf471068">Re:Wedding Date Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]It seems a bit silly that they can't take one night off from a volunteer position. If you plan around every person's tiny obligation, you will never find a wedding date.
    Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

    <div>^^^^  This.</div>
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