Don't Want "Best Friend" As Bridesmaid

KahlanJen

I have a friend who considers me to be her best friend. I don't hold her in this position and have never mentioned it as such.

My boyfriend has been talking engagement and marraige a lot lately, including telling me he'd propose this year, so I have been talking to my friends a bit more lately about what I'd like to do. She assumes she will be a BM. I originally was going to have her be one, but after watching her in a mutual friend's wedding a few months ago, I don't want her in it. She was controlling and acted stuck up because she was already married and had already gone through it all.

This would not be a difficult thing to just not ask her, though it will hurt her feelings, but her husband is my boyfriend's BEST FRIEND, and will be in his wedding party.

Any ideas as to how to make this less awkward than it already will be?

lindseyann410

It will be less awkward if you stop talking about it.  You're just making things worse by bringing it up.  

Relax, you aren't engaged yet, and you'll have plenty of time to think about these things once you are.  Like CMGr said, things will change so much between now and then, and you shouldn't ask your bridal party too early.  Before you're engaged is definitely too early.  Who you will be close to 2 years from now could be drastically different.  You don't want to end up regretting your choices.

brittonyzammit

I have a friend somewhat similar to that. She considers me her best friend, even though I don't consider her mine she is a very good friend. I was going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding until her fiance broke it off. My fiance and I decided to have a small wedding party so I wasn't sure what to do. I knew she would be upset if she wasn't invlolved at all but I have friends who I am closer with that I wanted as bridesmaids. I decided on making her my personal attendant. I think it is a great way to keep her invloved, because I do want her involved, but it doesn't give her a bigger role than friends I am closer with. 

KahlanJen

Thanks. The only reason I at all worry is because he and I have already decided that we'll be married within 6 months of engagement. Date is already tentatively set. Personal attendant might work. Thanks again.

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-best-friend-as-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7894fae0-476b-4011-9b49-2249e91d1ae7Post:61fa806e-3a82-459e-ac92-2e9d5afc70eb">Re: Don't Want "Best Friend" As Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a friend somewhat similar to that. She considers me her best friend, even though I don't consider her mine she is a very good friend. I was going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding until her fiance broke it off. My fiance and I decided to have a small wedding party so I wasn't sure what to do. I knew she would be upset if she wasn't invlolved at all but I have friends who I am closer with that I wanted as bridesmaids. <strong>I decided on making her my personal attendant</strong>. I think it is a great way to keep her invloved, because I do want her involved, but it doesn't give her a bigger role than friends I am closer with. 
Posted by brittonyzammit[/QUOTE]

Ugh...  OP.  Don't give anyone this job.  It is not an honor.  If you need a personal attendant, hire and pay someone.

jlm9113

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-best-friend-as-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7894fae0-476b-4011-9b49-2249e91d1ae7Post:61fa806e-3a82-459e-ac92-2e9d5afc70eb">Re: Don't Want "Best Friend" As Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a friend somewhat similar to that. She considers me her best friend, even though I don't consider her mine she is a very good friend. I was going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding until her fiance broke it off. My fiance and I decided to have a small wedding party so I wasn't sure what to do. I knew she would be upset if she wasn't invlolved at all but I have friends who I am closer with that I wanted as bridesmaids. <strong>I decided on making her my personal attendant.</strong> I think it is a great way to keep her invloved, because I do want her involved, but it doesn't give her a bigger role than friends I am closer with. 
Posted by brittonyzammit[/QUOTE]

Do NOT do this.  It's probably one of the worst things you can do, and is insulting and rude.

But as PPs have said, hold off for now.  Get engaged, figure out when your wedding date is and then worry about a bridal party about 9 months out.  Things may have changed significantly by then.

kmmssg

Personal attendant is rude!  Agree that is a paid position, not an "honor" you bestow on a good friend.  Nothing says "you didn't make the bridesmaid cut" like asking someone to be a personal attendant.

JoanE2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-best-friend-as-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7894fae0-476b-4011-9b49-2249e91d1ae7Post:61fa806e-3a82-459e-ac92-2e9d5afc70eb">Re: Don't Want "Best Friend" As Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a friend somewhat similar to that. She considers me her best friend, even though I don't consider her mine she is a very good friend. I was going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding until her fiance broke it off. My fiance and I decided to have a small wedding party so I wasn't sure what to do. I knew she would be upset if she wasn't invlolved at all but I have friends who I am closer with that I wanted as bridesmaids. <strong>I decided on making her my personal attendant. </strong>I think it is a great way to keep her invloved, because I do want her involved, but it doesn't give her a bigger role than friends I am closer with. 
Posted by brittonyzammit[/QUOTE]

So you basically said, "Sorry, you're not good enough to be a BM, so be my personal slave for the day!".  What an honor.  <rolls eyes />

cwaggoner07

We had a 7 month engagement, and our bridal party situation went off without a hitch. Everyone was asked about a month into the planning (6 months remaining). Even if you have a 6 month engagement, you don't need to worry about it until then.

StephJean83

If you are thinking of getting engaged by the end of the year and then married within 6 months, hold off asking until he askes you to marry him. If you want to include her, you could ask her to be an usher or do a reading. Its still an honor to do those things. As PP have said, wait to ask because things can change, he may not ask when you think he will and you'd have the whole wedding planned before you're even engaged. Just enjoy your relationship as is right now and spending time with your boyfriend. The few months leading up to when he proposes(if you've talked about it but not knowing when it will be) are very exciting times to treasure and cherish!

Peledreamsofrain

I would not think kindly at all of a friend who made me a 'personal attendant'. Nor would I think the friendship worth keeping. If you dislike the girl so much you'd be willing to humiliate her in this way, just do the more mature and humane thing and break off the friendship.

princess pop

Personal Attendant?! Oh please!

marshaa8

Sometimes choosing bridesmaids is difficult- definitely wait until after you're engaged to ask.  If you two are still in the same kind of friendship, I would probably ask her- it sounds like there are connections through your soon-to-be fiance too, and it sounds like you'll be spending a lot of time together (the exception would be if you have too many bridesmaids and/or you have long-time friends and you think having her would make the bridal party too big- then you have an easy excuse, but you don't have to mention it to her unless she asks).  It's probably better to have her than to create a divide between you and her.

If you think she might be overbearing, then just choose what to ask her to help with- you definitely have control over that. And don't always be talking about wedding stuff with her- do other friends things over the course of your engagement, too.