Friend's Shower Situation (long)

michelleeee7

Hi everyone,

I normally post on the August 2011 board and the DIY board. I am dealing with a situation which is causing me a lot of stress. Here is the background...

A very close friend has been planning her wedding for June 25th of this year for a long time. When she got engaged she asked me and three others to be in her bridal party. Since then she has had some major family issues which have made her decide to have a very small, intimate wedding without any friends. I understand her reasoning for all of this but of course I am disappointed that I will not be able to attend her wedding. 

Today, I recieved an invitation to her wedding shower. In talking to her, she knew that her mother and FMIL were planning on having a shower for her and that they were planning on inviting all of her friends even though we are not invited to the wedding. I spoke my opinion of this, in a nice way, and let her know that it is rude to ask for gifts from those who are not invited to the wedding.

I feel like I am in such a hard place. I honestly don't want to go because I don't think it is right but she is such a close friend and is in my wedding.

Any ideas? I hope I explained well enough. I will answer questions if there are any! Thanks in advance for your help in this difficult situation. 

michelleeee7

I also should say that I want to support her in any and all ways possible!

blush64

I honestly just wouldn't go. I would RSVP that I would not be attending. It is rude to invite you to a shower when you aren't going to the wedding even if she is a close friend.

You already told her your opinion on that so she shouldn't be asking why you weren't there. If she insists on knowing why you didn't go you could either tell her you just couldn't make it or maybe let her know that you thought it was a mistake on her mother's and MIL's part. (that maybe they didn't realize they aren't supposed to invite people not invited to the wedding)

EDITED  I wouldn't go but not simply because it was wrong to ask but also because I wouldn't attend a shower without giving a gift and I won't be giving two gifts to someone when I wasn't even going to the wedding. For a close friend I would give a small wedding gift after the weddnig. I really prefer to give wedding gifts either at or just after the wedding.  As far as support I wouldn't think she would need support at a bridal shower. I would prefer to do something on our own. If the friendship is good then she should also understand if you don't attend.

brilibby4

Depending on what the "major family issues" were, I would probably still attend.  I wouldn't boycott a shower of a very close friend in your situation, but that's just me.  You could always go but not bring a gift.

Edit: If you don't want to go, then just don't go. 

Wiscisbliss

I would probably go and bring a small gift.  It may not follow the rules of etiquette, but she is your friend and you want to support her.  I would let a valued friendship trump etiquette. 

Rethany

I agree that it is rude to invite guests to a pre-wedding party if they aren't invited to the wedding.

If this were a very close friend that I would "want to support her in any and all ways possible"  I would still want to share her special day with her somehow.  I would probably go to the shower simply because she is a great friend just to show my support.  That's just me though.

nickles26

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friends-shower-situation-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:790e4f66-b784-42ff-8cba-4285e60e5b79Post:b71f620d-48a6-4d2a-9462-8b3b3e2b3c0d">Re: Friend's Shower Situation (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I would probably go and bring a small gift.  It may not follow the rules of etiquette, but she is your friend and you want to support her. <strong> I would let a valued friendship trump etiquette. </strong>
Posted by Wiscisbliss[/QUOTE]

This.

KellyRVT

I would go. If she's that good of a friend you wouldn't want to miss it. And, I'm sure she would miss having you there. Obviously it isn't personal you aren't invited to the wedding, which would be totally different. I'm sure she would appreciate her friends being so understanding. JMO

kcscejal

For a really good friend I would still go.

Celles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friends-shower-situation-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:790e4f66-b784-42ff-8cba-4285e60e5b79Post:b71f620d-48a6-4d2a-9462-8b3b3e2b3c0d">Re: Friend's Shower Situation (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I would probably go and bring a small gift.  It may not follow the rules of etiquette, but she is your friend and you want to support her.  I would let a valued friendship trump etiquette. 
Posted by Wiscisbliss[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.

ajroark

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friends-shower-situation-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:790e4f66-b784-42ff-8cba-4285e60e5b79Post:b71f620d-48a6-4d2a-9462-8b3b3e2b3c0d">Re: Friend's Shower Situation (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I would probably go and bring a small gift.  It may not follow the rules of etiquette, but she is your friend and you want to support her.  I would let a valued friendship trump etiquette. 
Posted by Wiscisbliss[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. It seems like you would like to go and support your friend. Think of everyone else who is probably not attending because of the breech of etiquette...I would feel sorry for your friend having an empty bridal shower when she's already going through so much.

noodle_oo

I probably would not go.  Even for a very close friend, I just feel like the shower is a way to have your cake and eat it too.  I would celebrate with my friend on our own, maybe take her out to dinner or something.  But i woudln't participate in a bridal shower when I was not invited to the wedding.

However, in this case, it might depend on exactly what happened to cancel the big wedding. If it was like a death in the family, I probably woudln't hold it against her and maybe still go to the shower.  If it was just a financial issue (her parents decided not to pay for it) then i'd be less inclined to go to the shower since she's still trying to get all the gifts without having to host the wedding.

emilyinchile

What was her response when you originally told her this was a rude idea? I feel like that and the family issues would dictate my decision. If she understood but felt forced into having a shower by her family, I'd go. If she told you that making the wedding smaller didn't mean she shouldn't have the shower she's always wanted, I probably wouldn't go.

By saying you want to support her, it sounds like you understand the family issues, so from that side of things I would go (depending on what I said above). If I thought the family issues were stuipd or blown out of proportion, I wouldn't go.