Wedding Etiquette Forum

MOH Advice Needed

Hi everyone, I hoping that you can give me some advice on a situation with my friend. Sorry that this is going to be a bit long...I'll shorten it as much as I can:

About 2 weeks ago my friend "M" asked me to be the matron of honor in her upcoming wedding in July. Under normal circumstances this would be such a honor and would be the opportunity for me to do all that "M" had done as the maid of honor in my own wedding last year. When she asked me to be the MOH in her wedding she explained that her bridal party would also be made up of her closest brother (kinda like a bride's best guy), an additional maid of honor, and a bridesmaid. As "M" put it, my role would be the primary role and I would be the one organizing and overseeing everything. I think that she did this partly because I have gotten married so recently and know what the role of MOH is all about and partly because the other MOH is not entirely responsible.

Here's where the problem comes in... my mom is ill, I mean really really ill. She was diagnosed with cancer last year and in the past year her health has declined significantly. It is to the point where I am spending any time that I am not a work at the hospital by her side. To say that I am going through a difficult time in my life is an understatement. The act of juggling a demanding career, being a daughter, a sister and a wife is more than I can handled at this point. I have even recently resigned from an additional position at my job to try to relieve some of the pressure and stress in the other areas of my life. "M" knows what is going on, but I don't think she really understands the pressure that I am under minus the duties of her wedding. She has been putting a lot of pressure on me to spend some time with her (going for walks, shopping, etc.) but doesn't realize that I literally do not have the time to do so right now. "M" even made the comment the other day, when she dropped by my house unexpectedly as I was going to bed, that she understands what I am going through because her grandmother passed away a few years ago. This comment really threw me off and proved to me that she really doesn't get what I am going through. I, too, have lost a grandmother and this is nothing like that experience.

I want "M" to have an amazing wedding. She truly deserves it and I am so happy for her, but I do not think that I can fulfill the true role of what a MOH is supposed to be. The idea of planning a shower that should happen next month, and a bachelorette party, etc. brings me to tears. What do you think I should do? Would it be best for me to bow out? How do I tell her that I really really cannot handle any additional stress without downplaying the importance of her own event? TIA

Re: MOH Advice Needed

  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited April 2011
    I would immediately get with this other MOH, bride's brother and bridesmaid group -- even if it's just by email -- and tell them that any help they can offer in planning both of those events would be much appreciated. If they are unaware of the situation with your mom, it would help to let them know the gist.

    You're not under and obligation to do anything bu show up and stand next to your friend, and based on some of what you've said about this friend, I'm personally pretty peeved at her. She's definitely acting a bit selfishly.

    But it's also clear you care about her and you would like to remain in the wedding. That's why i definitely suggest trying to work with some of the other honor attendants to see what help they're able and willing to give you time-wise.
    Lizzie
  • She sounds like a real peach for demanding these things from you despite her knowing your Mom being extremely ill. Obviously she is way too wrapped up in it being all about her to realize how much you are hurting and in need of a friend being there for you.

    I would politely tell her that you can still be (if you truly want to be) in the wedding, but are not obligated nor required to plan or host any sort of pre-wedding parties for her. Anyone can do that. If she does not understand at that point, I would tell her that you have removed yourself from the wedding party and that hopefully she will do some thinking and realize why.

    I hate people who are so wrapped up  in themselves and their own lives to not even realize how much a friend is hurting.
  • I'm really sorry you're going through so much with you mom.  That's awful, and you're right, it should be your first priority over anything.

    Your friend should not have picked you as a MOH jsut because you'd be good at planning things.  She should have picked you because she wanted you up there by her side, nothing more, nothing less.  She is putting a lot of pressure on you that is NOT your job.  MOH's do not have "duties".  You are not in any way required to plan a shower/bachelorette party. 

    However, since you already do feel the pressure to do so you could either talk to the other BM's and let them know the situation, or talk to the brides mother and let her know that you just don't have the time and/or energy to plan these events.  That you will help the best you can but you have things going on.

    That's really all you can do.  Of course you can be open and honest with the bride, it sounds like she wants to understand and be there for you, but she might just not know how.  Your guilt over the situation might be making you miss the genuine concern she has for your situation.  Just talk to her.  There is absolutely no reason why you should suggest you step down though.  The pre parties are not what being a MOH is all about. 

    Best of luck to you!
  • Your only role as an MOH is to buy the dress and show up at the wedding. That is all you have to do, and your friend should understand that. If you two are that close, then you should have been chosen to be the MOH because of your close bond, not because you are a great wedding planner.
    Second, if you don't think you can do the aforementioned duties, then politely turn down her request and explain that you just don't think you have the time/energy for it right now.
    Third, I think it's a little mean and presumptious to assume that she wasn't as close with her grandmother as you are with your mother. You have no idea how that death affected her, so I think you shouldn't say that your suffering is any worse than hers.
    Finally, I'm really sorry to hear about your mother. You both will be in my prayers.
    image
  • edited April 2011
    As MOH, you have no responsibilites other than showing up in the dress, on time, clean and sober.  Simple.

    It's great that you want to do more for her, but those things aren't required of a maid of honor.

    If she's a good friend, she should understand that you're in a tough place right now, and want you to stay as MOH even if you can't do a single thing other than come to the wedding.  And if you really feel that you can't handle being in a wedding right now, even with no responsibilities, you're perfectly within your rights to drop out, and she should understand that as well.

    Talk to her honestly about how you feel.  Tell her what you told us.

    And honestly, I think that getting out a little, with no obligation other than to hang out, would do you good.  My dad passed away last year, very unexpectedly, and the best thing I did for myself was to get out.  My FI, brother and his FI, went to the movies together.  We went to my aunt's to go swimming and just hang out.  And it did us all a world of good.

    No matter what your family is going through, you need to take care of yourself.  And sometimes that requires putting everything else aside and doing something for YOU.  Go for a walk with her.  Go for a walk by yourself.  I know you said you don't feel like you have time, but you NEED to make time.  It's the best thing you can do, in my opinion.
    image
  • First off OP - I am so sorry you are going through this with your mom.  I too have lost a grandparent, as I'm sure a lot of people have, but I could not imagine losing a parent.  It is so not the same, even though both are very sad events.  I'm sorry your friend cannot understand you.

    Second, I agree with PPs.  I think you need to e-mail or call or whatever you need to do to get in touch with the others in the bridal party and see how they can help you with parties you want to plan. 

    Does she expect you to plan her wedding for her?  How big of a role did she play in your planning? 
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • I would let her know that you would like to be a part of her day, but cannot follow through with the duties she is expecting. If you would be willing, tell her that you would like to stand up for her, but cannot plan any pre-wedding events and may not be able to attend them either.

    I'm sorry your Mom is sick, I can't imagine what you're going through.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:798cc4eb-bb99-44ad-bec0-6df6e5f3cf00Post:d8851bf5-0096-403d-b61f-a254d7580da6">Re: MOH Advice Needed</a>:
    [QUOTE]Third, I think it's a little mean and presumptious to assume that she wasn't as close with her grandmother as you are with your mother. You have no idea how that death affected her, so I think you shouldn't say that your suffering is any worse than hers. Posted by NotColloquial[/QUOTE]

    Unless her grandmother literally raised her, I disagree. I've lost 3 grandparents and will soon lose the last. It's heartbreaking, but unless they're very young or, as I mentioned above, yoou have a non-traditonally close relationship with them, it's not even close to, not just losing a parent, but personally dealing with months of illness and hospital visits and monetary problems etc.
    Lizzie
  • Wow! You are all very quick and are all very kind to offer your words of advice. I appreciate it.

    You all have said basically what I was thinking, I guess I just needed validation and some outside opinions before I really engage in a long conversation with her. I don't want to have to remove myself entirely from one of the most important days of her life, I just can't be part of the pre-wedding events. Hopefully I will contact her today so that we can sit down and hash out exactly what she is looking for me to do and exactly what I can do.
  • Being MOH doesn't automatically mean that you're assigned all these duties; it means that you're her nearest and dearest.  If you want her to have the bach party and a nice shower, you should discuss this with other members of the bridal party to see if they'd like to help with planning those things.  Surely if you are straight with M, she will understand - she's supposed to be your best friend.  I have a feeling she will know how much it hurts you to not be able to bring what you want to to your role, but that she will not be angry with you.  If my MOH came to me and told me she couldn't plan me a shower, I'd tell her to not worry about it - either someone else will or I just won't have one!  It will be okay.
    panther
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:798cc4eb-bb99-44ad-bec0-6df6e5f3cf00Post:07e5ad7e-e515-432c-807c-0f360e8f1ecf">Re: MOH Advice Needed</a>:
    [QUOTE]. And honestly, I think that getting out a little, with no obligation other than to hang out, would do you good.  My dad passed away last year, very unexpectedly, and the best thing I did for myself was to get out.  My FI, brother and his FI, went to the movies together.  We went to my aunt's to go swimming and just hang out.  And it did us all a world of good. No matter what your family is going through, you need to take care of yourself.  And sometimes that requires putting everything else aside and doing something for YOU.  Go for a walk with her.  Go for a walk by yourself.  I know you said you don't feel like you have time, but you NEED to make time.  It's the best thing you can do, in my opinion.
    Posted by hlq2011[/QUOTE]

    I am very very sorry to hear about your father. As far as the whole "getting out" goes, "M" is in the backseat and my DH is first and foremost after my mom. I do get out as much as I can, but right now I just want to devote that time to him. I just don't have the time/ energy/ desire to go out for breakfast or to tool around the mall for a few hours. "M" means well by trying make plans but she is coming on too forcefully.  I appreciate that she cares about me, I just wish she would really listen to what I am saying instead of assuming that she knows what I need. Thanks again for the advice & I am sorry that you had to go through the loss of a parent.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards