Registry cards in engagement invitations?

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]Here's a thought, brides. Don't take the etiquette advice of someone with like 10 posts over the advice of people who have been married and posting on this board for a long time. That's like taking the medical advice of someone who watched Dr. Dolittle. We DO know what we're talking about. Whether you like it or not is your choice, but you came on an etiquette bored seeking etiquette advice and we're giving it to you.
Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]
Thank you.

Mrs.B6302007

It's fine that you're disagreeing with me, especially since you're doing it without throwing a big tantrum like we see on here so many times. =-)   It's certainly okay to defend your (general) choices and reasoning.  I'm tend to be (obviously) in the traditional camp.  However, I do think there are some practices in etiquette protocol that will most likely change as time goes on to reflect the current technology and times. For example, did you know that RSVP cards are still considered a relatively "new" item in the wedding industry?  Etiquette stated that upon receiving an invitation, the receiver was to hand write an acceptance or regret on stationary and send that back to the host.  While we certainly can continue to write our own RSVPs if we so choose, the wedding industry makes it convenient for us to no longer have to do that particular step by providing us with RSVP cards.  The etiquette itself of responding promptly to an invitation has not changed, just the manner in which we do it.  Registries are also relatively new to the wedding planning world but the common denominator between them and time prior to their existence is still not to mention gifts on the invitations (other than showers).   So you see, my stance isn't so much about the right or wrong of a particular action as it the basic etiquette of being a good host  and not being accidentally ungracious to your guests.


Oh, and the lemming comment - lemmings are kind of a long-time joke around here.   I also saw how the comment could be used for either "side" of the issue, but I couldn't resist throwing in the lemmings. ;-)

sassy8179

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-cards-engagement-invitations-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7bab51f2-a29f-4f26-9bac-ade7aba54fe8Post:9f748d3d-a319-45a8-a937-5287d1c57f1b">Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations? : No irony.  Would you do something stupid because somebody else did it?  That's what the jumping off the cliff would be.  Would you educate yourself on how to do it the right way?  That's what the OP should do - take our advice, or check other etiquette sources for info.  Emily Post, Crane's, and Miss Maners all agree with us on this one. Sassy - here's the thing.  Some people may not be offended by it.  Some people will be.  No one would be offended by NOT getting the registry card.  Go with the option that doesn't offend anyone.  Are you going to have an argument with your offended guests over the logic of them taking offense?  I hope not, because that would also be rude.  So just play it safe, and go with what is known to be offense-free. 
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

That comment was so ironic, it should be in the dictionary under the definition of ironic.
Look, all I'm saying is that people nowadays feel differently about this subject. Some people, like myself, find this information very helpful. In fact I would be offended if I didn't get registry information because it means the couple think I have the extra time and monetary resources to fumble around and find this information out.
Who are you, or Emily Post  or Miss Manners, or Martha Stewart, to say that something that very many people find helpful information is rude or "stupid" as you put it?

Did you know that proper etiquette back in the day (and I'm talking this century) dictated that women should do nothing but stay home, cook for their husbands, clean the house, pamper their husbands when they get home, and not talk about how they feel about anything because it wasn't as important as what the husband thought or felt?

Yes, yes I will follow the etiquette bible because it is right and no one can say otherwise. And no, I am not a lemming.

sassy8179

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-cards-engagement-invitations-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7bab51f2-a29f-4f26-9bac-ade7aba54fe8Post:662c0705-36d0-403a-8d0b-5c7dfbd2e1f5">Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations?</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's a thought, brides. Don't take the etiquette advice of someone with like 10 posts over the advice of people who have been married and posting on this board for a long time. That's like taking the medical advice of someone who watched Dr. Dolittle. We DO know what we're talking about. Whether you like it or not is your choice, but you came on an etiquette board seeking etiquette advice and we're giving it to you. EDIT: spelling correction. Duh, Brooke.
Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]


That's right, because people with less posts on this board have less common sense and have no business having an opinion that's differs from others.

sassy8179

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-cards-engagement-invitations-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7bab51f2-a29f-4f26-9bac-ade7aba54fe8Post:8e619ba6-b9bf-49e3-bdcd-9ef6d177abec">Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations?</a>:
[QUOTE]
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

I knew I liked you :)

I guess that I just don't find this an ungracious thing to do.... i find it more a practical, helpful thing than anything else. So we will have to agree to disagree, and perhaps this is one of those things that will evolve over time to become an accepted thing... (for my sake I hope so, because I really hate asking around!!!!)  :)

brookelynpaisley

Again, sassy, just because it's okay with YOU and a handful of other people doesn't make it right. As I believe Mrs B or banana. said, some etiquette, traditions, and customs do change and evolve with modern times, but the way to treat people in a decent and polite way isn't. Including registry information anywhere other than the shower invitation or website is considered impolite. Clearly, you don't agree, but it is proper etiquette.

Your reference of how a woman's role was iearlier in this century isn't a matter of etiquette in the matter in which we're speaking. That was society and the socio-economic roles of men and women. Yes, it evolved, but the conduct and ethical code of behavior for being polite to other people doesn't change.

And what monetary resources does it take to find out where a couple is registered? You're really being dramatic with this one, IMO.

Mrs.B6302007

If I have been invited to the shower, generally I already know where they are registered.  If not, I just do a quick search for the B or G's name on BBB or Target online and 9 times out of 10, I find it.  If not, I try Macys.

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-cards-engagement-invitations-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7bab51f2-a29f-4f26-9bac-ade7aba54fe8Post:f3efefbb-a065-4326-b381-f6193d5877e8">Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations? : That's right, because people with less posts on this board have less common sense and have no business having an opinion that's differs from others.
Posted by sassy8179[/QUOTE]

OP asked what's proper. You gave an opinion that is your own, but is conflicting with etiquette. This isn't about common sense, it's about the right answer to the OPs question.

Generally, new posters who haven't been around are wrong. I'm confident the veterans will agree with me.

Snippylynn

In my experience, Sassy thinks she knows everything about everything. 

sassy8179

Well, here's something that you may find hard to believe.

Not everyone lives in America. Not every country has a Macy's, Walmart, BBB or Target or whatever. And not everyone uses the internet.

I live in Antigua, We have zero of those big stores. I have people coming from all over the world to attend my wedding. I have friends  and family coming from Switzerland, England, Texas, Trinidad and Guyana. My older family members who live in other countires do not use the internet. Calling around to find out where I'm registered... is not a possibility for at least half of my guest list.

This is why I am saying that although it is "proper etiquette", it is not practical for everyone in every situation and therefore rules do have to bent at certain times. Maybe this is also the reason I can't understand why people would take offense.. because it has been MY experience that this is a helpful thing to do.

No one knows everyone's situation or background - this is precisely the reason I think it is rude to say that other peole's ways of doing things are wrong - because you can't know an individual's situation. i am expressing my opinion based on my experiences and my situation and offering up a differing opinion than the norm.

AND that is why i said the OP should do what is the norm for her group of friends/family, because WE don't know HER situation....

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-cards-engagement-invitations-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7bab51f2-a29f-4f26-9bac-ade7aba54fe8Post:c56a053a-f767-4a9f-8c52-6ad276026a73">Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, here's something that you may find hard to believe. Not everyone lives in America. Not every country has a Macy's, Walmart, BBB or Target or whatever. And not everyone uses the internet. I live in Antigua, We have zero of those big stores. I have people coming from all over the world to attend my wedding. I have friends  and family coming from Switzerland, England, Texas, Trinidad and Guyana. My older family members who live in other countires do not use the internet. Calling around to find out where I'm registered... is not a possibility for at least half of my guest list. This is why I am saying that although it is "proper etiquette", it is not practical for everyone in every situation and therefore rules do have to bent at certain times. Maybe this is also the reason I can't understand why people would take offense.. because it has been MY experience that this is a helpful thing to do. No one knows everyone's situation or background - this is precisely the reason I think it is rude to say that other peole's ways of doing things are wrong - because you can't know an individual's situation. i am expressing my opinion based on my experiences and my situation and offering up a differing opinion than the norm. AND that is why i said the OP should do what is the norm for her group of friends/family, because WE don't know HER situation....
Posted by sassy8179[/QUOTE]

And the general recommendation for people in your position is, to not register.  Voila.

sassy8179

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-cards-engagement-invitations-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7bab51f2-a29f-4f26-9bac-ade7aba54fe8Post:6fdd0e8c-ca73-45e8-90a2-4897508bd6b5">Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations?</a>:
[QUOTE]In my experience, Sassy thinks she knows everything about everything. 
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]


In your "experience"? What the hell does that mean?

You know what, your name says it all.. snippy... I'm not even going to entertain that.

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-cards-engagement-invitations-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7bab51f2-a29f-4f26-9bac-ade7aba54fe8Post:c58ab60c-5265-4896-b487-93d869aca195">Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations? : In your "experience"? What the hell does that mean? You know what, your name says it all.. snippy... I'm not even going to entertain that.
Posted by sassy8179[/QUOTE]
I've run into you before under a previous incarnation of "me". 

I'm glad to see the new name works though.  That was the intention.  I mean, you're the one who's acting all cray cray here. 

NicoleS12

I don't think it is rude to put registry info into the invitation envelope. Any wedding I have ever been invited to, there is a registry card added into the invitation. I think it is easier that way. I am a busy person, and like other people have suggested doing, I do not have the time to run around to different stores to find out if that couple is registered there or not. People are going to get you present for your wedding, so why not make it easy for them. I don't get what the big deal is...

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]I don't think it is rude to put registry info into the invitation envelope. Any wedding I have ever been invited to, there is a registry card added into the invitation. I think it is easier that way. I am a busy person, and like other people have suggested doing, I do not have the time to run around to different stores to find out if that couple is registered there or not. People are going to get you present for your wedding, so why not make it easy for them. I don't get what the big deal is...
Posted by NicoleS12[/QUOTE]
All that means is that you've seen rudeness with every wedding invitation you've received. And besides not having time to "run around to different stores", who actually does go to different stores to find out? Why would you even do that when the telephone is probably right next to you? Call the family, WP, or the B&G themselves, take a five-minute conversation and ask them. It's not at all difficult.

twinpower53

I think it is a gift giving event. I am not having an engagement party just the wedding. so what would I do? My family doesn't converse with his side and my friends and family live far away. Word of mouth wouldn't work. I am never offended when I get them in invitations.

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]I think it is a gift giving event. I am not having an engagement party just the wedding. so what would I do? My family doesn't converse with his side and my friends and family live far away. Word of mouth wouldn't work. I am never offended when I get them in invitations.
Posted by twinpower53@hotmail.com[/QUOTE]
Are you planning on visiting friends and/or family at all between now and the wedding, and if so, are they hosting a shower for you? Because it's completely okay for the hosts to put registry info in shower invites.

ETA: Other than that, I'm afraid you'll just have to tell your WP and family where you're registered and hope against hope that someone will ask for registry info, because it's just not polite to include it with wedding invites. Also, if someone asks you directly where you're registered, it's fine to tell them. If you have your registry listed on a wedding website, it's fine to include the website address on the invites as well.

There are ways to get the word out, it's just that specific registry info and wedding invites can never ever ever ever meet.

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-cards-engagement-invitations-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7bab51f2-a29f-4f26-9bac-ade7aba54fe8Post:83e4d53f-a157-4493-b79d-78ae4bf175a4">Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it is a gift giving event. I am not having an engagement party just the wedding. so what would I do? My family doesn't converse with his side and my friends and family live far away. Word of mouth wouldn't work. I am never offended when I get them in invitations.
Posted by twinpower53@hotmail.com[/QUOTE]

If people want to give you a gift, I assure you they will ask where you're registered. Do you each talk to your parents? Your bridal party? People will ask them or you directly, I promise. My sister forgot to put registry info in my shower invites and I still got about 95% of my gifts off the registry.

sassy8179

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-cards-engagement-invitations-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7bab51f2-a29f-4f26-9bac-ade7aba54fe8Post:99a53a95-f9eb-4817-8635-bca0a0af479e">Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations? : I've run into you before under a previous incarnation of "me".  I'm glad to see the new name works though.  That was the intention.  I mean, you're the one who's acting all cray cray here. 
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

Sorry to burst your bubble Snippy, but the first post I have ever made on a Knot messageboard was yesterday, and on this thread. So I don't know what on earth you're talking about. Could it be that there is more than one "cray crays" in here? Ooooo....

Mrs.B6302007

Snippy might have her Sassy's confused.  I think we've had a couple here and there.

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-cards-engagement-invitations-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7bab51f2-a29f-4f26-9bac-ade7aba54fe8Post:a088f1bc-e081-4bb7-a780-c4a4a2c598ab">Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations? :  Did you know that proper etiquette back in the day (and I'm talking this century) dictated that women should do nothing but stay home, cook for their husbands, clean the house, pamper their husbands when they get home, and not talk about how they feel about anything because it wasn't as important as what the husband thought or felt? Yes, yes I will follow the etiquette bible because it is right and no one can say otherwise. And no, I am not a lemming.
Posted by sassy8179[/QUOTE]

That's never been etiquette.  Ever.  That was, in fact, a cultural tradition, for quite some time, but it wasn't ever part of etiquette. 

And, I didn't call you a lemming.  Get your insults straight. 

The basis for etiquette is to conduct yourself graciously and to ensure the people around you are comfortable, properly hosted, etc.  The manner in which we do that DOES change with the times, and so do the documents published by various etiquette mavens.  Stating on paper in an invitation to an event you're hosting what gifts you'd like to be given by the invitees just isn't polite or proper.  It makes guests feel uncomfortable - what if they're not able to afford the gifts you'd most like to have? 

And, if you're too pressed for time to check the internet for a gift registry, I'm curious as to how you have the time to hang around on an internet message board and argue the etiquette of needing to do so. 

sassy8179

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-cards-engagement-invitations-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7bab51f2-a29f-4f26-9bac-ade7aba54fe8Post:191cc9c3-8ba2-407f-ad6e-1a34e723e52f">Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations?</a>:
[QUOTE] Stating on paper in an invitation to an event you're hosting what gifts you'd like to be given by the invitees just isn't polite or proper. <strong> It makes guests feel uncomfortable - what if they're not able to afford the gifts you'd most like to have?  </strong>And, if you're too pressed for time to check the internet for a gift registry, I'm curious as to how you have the time to hang around on an internet message board and argue the etiquette of needing to do so. 
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

Thennnn you shouldn't have a registry to begin with! My whole point is that if you're going to be bold enough to create a registry to begin with, which tells people what to buy for you, then it shouldn't be a big deal telling them where the registries are. People, generally speaking, have free will, and if they can't afford something on your list, they'll buy you something else! It's not forcing anyone to do anything.

And, the reason I have time to hang around on this message board is because i have a few days free in between school terms for my Masters degree... which is also the reason I don't have time to make thousands of posts (and no, that wasn't directed towards you).

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations? : Are you serious? If someone tells you that they think something is not rude, how are you going to tell them that it is rude anyway? That is their opinion! leave them alone!
Posted by sassy8179[/QUOTE]
I am completely serious. They can think it's not rude all they want, but it still is. I don't know how to make it any clearer than that.

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations? : Thennnn you shouldn't have a registry to begin with! <strong>My whole point is that if you're going to be bold enough to create a registry to begin with, which tells people what to buy for you, then it shouldn't be a big deal telling them where the registries are.</strong> People, generally speaking, have free will, and if they can't afford something on your list, they'll buy you something else! It's not forcing anyone to do anything. And, the reason I have time to hang around on this message board is because i have a few days free in between school terms for my Masters degree... which is also the reason I don't have time to make thousands of posts (and no, that wasn't directed towards you).
Posted by sassy8179[/QUOTE]
Nope. Creating a registry is not the bold move here - it is the telling people about it, unsolicited.

squirrly

Sassy - it's ok if you're not offended by registry cards being in the invite.  However, MANY PEOPLE ARE.  Suggesting to the OP that she include the card because YOU are not offended isn't going to help her in the long run. 

The bottom line is that she should NOT include them because MANY PEOPLE ARE OFFENDED by them.  Whether you find that to be appropriate or not isn't the issue here. 

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]
You said it a whole lot better than I did.
::is jealous::

sassy8179

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-cards-engagement-invitations-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7bab51f2-a29f-4f26-9bac-ade7aba54fe8Post:93ee6119-7e08-4e3e-b0d4-7f927d522e02">Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sassy - it's ok if you're not offended by registry cards being in the invite.  However, MANY PEOPLE ARE.  Suggesting to the OP that she include the card because YOU are not offended isn't going to help her in the long run.  The bottom line is that she should NOT include them because MANY PEOPLE ARE OFFENDED by them.  Whether you find that to be appropriate or not isn't the issue here. 
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

Well squirrly, you obviously haven't been reading a thing I've said this whole time. I never told the OP to incliude the card because I think it's ok. I told her to do what is the norm for her circle, her group of friends, her family, or her region, because I think that this particular issue differs in those different groups. And there are MANY people who agree with me. I only offer my opinion, because it is made as a result of my experience, and i think it's important for people to have a well rounded view rather than a narrow minded one so that they can make <strong>their own decisions</strong>.

sassy8179

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_registry-cards-engagement-invitations-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7bab51f2-a29f-4f26-9bac-ade7aba54fe8Post:243a7128-6e31-49b4-8900-cabdb922289b">Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations?</a>:
[QUOTE]Nope. Creating a registry is not the bold move here - it is the telling people about it, unsolicited.
Posted by kathrynhabibti[/QUOTE]

But it's ok to put on your website.

Yes because that's not in your face.

But it's still giving this information to your guests, unsolicited.

Yes but it's not in your face. So it's OK.

OK, so it's not ok to tell them where to go to buy stuff, but it's ok to tell them where to go to find out where to go to buy stuff.

Yes, otherwise it's rude and stupid.

OK. Goodnight, all.

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Registry cards in engagement invitations? : But it's ok to put on your website. Yes because that's not in your face. But it's still giving this information to your guests, unsolicited. Yes but it's not in your face. So it's OK. OK, so it's not ok to tell them where to go to buy stuff, but it's ok to tell them where to go to find out where to go to buy stuff. Yes, otherwise it's rude and stupid. OK. Goodnight, all.
Posted by sassy8179[/QUOTE]
omg. It's all about subtlety - which, yes, putting it on the website instead of straight out there to your guests is definitely more subtle - and you just refuse to see that. Talking to you is pointless. I give up.

Tdemarest

No wonder the term 'bridezilla' exists  I was only able to read the first page and part of the last page of posts.  Wish I had as much free time as those who post back and forth.  Although it was quite entertaining.

I rec'd an invite with the registration info and at the bottom it said "What's most important to us is being able to share our special day with you".  I feel this satisfies both sides of the coin.  Guests know the couple only appreciates their company and do not expect gifts but if guests choose to buy a gift they have all the info too.  Hope this helps and I feel bad for you having to sort through all the posts unless you find it entertaining as I did