Wedding Etiquette Forum

KPS

1. As we discussed yesterday, people shouldn't judge you for paying for your ring. Everyone does it differently, even with e-rings. It's not one person's decision to get married, so why does it have to be one person's money buying the ring?

2. You're not June Cleaver, you don't have to do it all! My H helps out with everything around the house because I could never do it all on my own, nor should I be expected to. 

3. You should tell your H how you feel. He may not realize how much time he is spending on the computer or playing games. Communication is the key to any good marriage. 

4. My parents also paid for our wedding and gifted us 75% of our honeymoon budget. H's mom paid for the RD. We didn't ask for any of it, they wanted to do it. We could never have afford to it on our own and I'm so happy that things worked out the way they did. If people want to judge, that's fine, but that's my reality, too. 
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Re: KPS

  • Ditto the ring.  I don't understand why who is paying for the rings is such a big deal.

    And I do sympathize a lot with the husband not paying attention.  My H and I have had this discussion many, many times. 
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  • I don't think anyone judges people who have parents who help out with a wedding at all.

    Now, if you EXPECT them too and get butt hurt when they don't give you 20 grand, that is judgement worthy.

    Also? I don't get the being overwhelmed being a wife thing. Just because you say your vows doesn't make you a domestic slave. At least I hope it doesn't, or I'm doing it wrong.
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  • mica178mica178 member
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    I actually sympathize with the poster overwhelmed with housework since she got married.  We have someone who cleans our place every other week to reduce my burden, and that helps, but I still feel exhausted with the cooking and shopping (and other random house minutiae) sometimes.  I'm getting better about telling H when I'm overwhelmed with work and exhaustion (and H is usually cool other than telling me that he can't wait until I leave my job), but then I feel this weird guilt about not being a good wife.

    Yeah, I have issues.
  • I don't think anyone judges people who have parents who help out with a wedding at all.

    i sometimes do, depending upon the situation.

    for example, my SIL and her H make about 4 times what my IL's do.  she let them pay for most of her wedding even though she knew they dont have much and borrowed against their already mortgaged to the hilt house to do it.
  • crfischecrfische member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2011
    I guess I just don't see housework as MY job. It's Scott's job, too. We divide the chores pretty evenly, and TBH we both kind of suck at doing everything on time, but such is life and we don't get worked up about it.

    I can see that Calypso, but if the parents WANTED to, that's not the brides fault. I think some parents have a lot of pride in wanting to contribute to a wedding. I judge the parents who borrowed against the mortgage more than the bride.
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  • I wish we could afford to have someone come clean once week because it's a lot to do. And I'm lazy and don't like cleaning. 
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  • annakb8annakb8 member
    2500 Comments
    Like PP said, I don't judge anyone whose parents paid for their wedding, just people who expect the parents to pay. My mom gifted me some money that is covering a significant portion of our wedding.

    And for the person overwhelmed with housework, I think that happens to the best of us. I live in a tiny place and my FI is good about helping and I still get overwhelmed. I cook dinner every night and sometimes it (irrationally) irritates me that I come home and go straight to work on dinner and cook for about 45 minutes while FI gets to come home and relax instantly. He would cook if I asked him, but I don't.
  • Nah, Mica, I feel like crap if I'm overwhelmed and H goes ahead and does everything.
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  • I can see that Calypso, but if the parents WANTED to, that's not the brides fault.

    sure, tehy can want to, but a bride has the ability to politely say no thank you.  we received offers from my mom (who is a widow living on a pension) and my IL's (see above) and we politely said no.  sure, ti would have helped, we might have been able to have a few extras, but it wasnt worth jeoparidizing their financial well being.
  • I do not judge people at all who get their weddings paid for, but I judge if they think that it should be paid for, or that they deserve it to be paid for.

    I do not get AT ALL why anyone would judge the ring one. Who the fuuck cares who pays for it. My H paid for mine in a couple months, but if he still would have been paying for it when we were married we would have had no problem paying for it together.

    Girl. If you are getting cold feet a year and a half before the wedding, why don't you postpone it for a little bit? I know that nervousness is normal, but if you are doubting it you still have more than enough time to change plans. I just hope you and your FI can work it out before it is too late.

    The computer one makes me sad. I can relate a little since I catch myself knotting at night but I still want to watch the TV (totally guilty) so H goes to his office to play games. After like 20 minutes I look around and realize he is gone and I feel like crap. Just talk to him, I am sure he does not even realize that he is doing it.
  • Yes, they could have. The parents could have also said, we would LOVE to help, but we just can't make it happen, hun. Sorry.


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  • edited May 2011
    I have actually been thinking about getting a maid. I would love to have someone come in and do the hard stuff, like dusting the blinds and the baseboards. I hate doing that.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kps-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7bd5c685-23d8-4499-8461-671cfa237baePost:afb7c85d-21d7-475d-8b81-fe3e737159de">Re: KPS</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can see that Calypso, but if the parents WANTED to, that's not the brides fault. sure, tehy can want to, but a bride has the ability to politely say no thank you.  we received offers from my mom (who is a widow living on a pension) and my IL's (see above) and we politely said no.  sure, ti would have helped, we might have been able to have a few extras, but it wasnt worth jeoparidizing their financial well being.
    Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

    Do you want some kind of martyr award?
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  • i want a maid so badly, but H is worried they'll steal from us (which i told him they dont do that, because if they steal from one, word spreads and they lose their business).  so he said we could get one as long as i planned to stay home while they cleaned to watch them.  totally stupid.  if the point is to save me time, then why would i sit there and watch them clean when i could just use that time to clean myself for free??

    also, we dont even have anythign steal worthy.  we're poor!  lol
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kps-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7bd5c685-23d8-4499-8461-671cfa237baePost:403630cc-22cf-467d-a13d-08221fcc1416">Re: KPS</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have actually been thinking about getting a maid. I would love to have someone come in and do the hard stuff, like dusting the blinds and the baseboards. I hate doing that.
    Posted by ahhhitsshannyn[/QUOTE]

    We have a cleaning service that comes every other week while we're at work, and we come home and it's all nice and clean and wonderful.  It's not as expensive as I thought it would be, and it is money incredibly well spent.  We still have our chores, like laundry, cooking, dishes, day-to-day tidying, but it's so nice not have to set aside time (and divide the tasks) to clean the bathroom, vacuum, dust, etc. 
  • mica178mica178 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    I've had a cleaning service come to help clean for a while now.  It's wonderful having someone do the dirty work.  I currently am home while the maid is here -- I do paperwork and other stuff around the house while she cleans (so it is still a timesaver).  More importantly, it's a relationship-saver/stress-reducer.
  • More importantly, it's a relationship-saver/stress-reducer.

    that's my issue.  big time.  same with lawn maintenance.  H wanted a big yard, but he's never home to mow it, and when he's home he doesnt want to mow so then our yard looks bad and we fight.  ugh.
  • I want a cleaning service but I don't know how the dogs would feel about that and react to a maid.

    My H is the biggest slob to ever set foot on earth.  I get so frustrated because I feel like I'm constantly picking up after him.  He cooks dinner almost every night and I can't stand the mess he makes that I'd rather he just didn't cook.  Before anyone says he is inconsiderate, he doesn't even SEE the messes he makes.  He will track mud all over the house when he is in and out doing yard work and not even notice it until I'm like uh hello WIPE YOUR FEET.  And when I'm mad about the mud he says: why do you care about that?  Aren't you happy I fixed the whateverwasbroken outside?
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  • I don't think it's anyone's business if parents pay for the wedding or not. It's definitely not judge worthy (IMO) if the bride or groom let them when it's been offered, regardless of financial status.
  • Calypso there are some parents who feel a great sense of pride in paying for their kids wedding.  Who am I to tell my parents, or any other grown adults, how they should and shouldn't spend their money.  I think it would be ridiculously dumb to borrow against your mortgage for it, but that's their choice, and they would be choosing to do it because they want to pay for the wedding.  Like TR said, you want some type of award that you treated parents like children and scolded them for making bad financial decisions?

    As for the rest, I think they are kinda lame this week.  Who cares that you're paying for your own ring.  We have combined finances, so we basically paid for our wedding bands together, and any and all gifts we buy.  H's birthday is later this month, and we were just talking last night about how there's really no way to surprise eachother anymore without using credit cards.  So we are that lame couple with no surprise gifts.

    H and I share the housework.  If he is slacking, like not rinsing his dishes, I call him on it.  He does the same with me.  I certainly don't think it's my wifely duties to do it all.
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  • Right. You can only be taken advantage of if you allow people to take advantage of you.
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  • I'm a really awful housekeeper, and I hate cooking. 

    WIFE FAIL.

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  • mica178mica178 member
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    My dog loves our maid, Pink.
  • beach, I'm the lame fiance who hasn't even bought FI's 2010 xmas present yet. :)

    We're not good with surprise gifts and FI said to wait until there something he really wanted. I'm still waiting.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kps-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7bd5c685-23d8-4499-8461-671cfa237baePost:51581db8-100e-4b9c-83b0-feafd7895cd2">Re: KPS</a>:
    [QUOTE]Like PP said, I don't judge anyone whose parents paid for their wedding, just people who expect the parents to pay. My mom gifted me some money that is covering a significant portion of our wedding. And for the person overwhelmed with housework, I think that happens to the best of us. I live in a tiny place and my FI is good about helping and I still get overwhelmed. I cook dinner every night and sometimes it (irrationally) irritates me that I come home and go straight to work on dinner and cook for about 45 minutes while FI gets to come home and relax instantly. He would cook if I asked him, but I don't.
    Posted by annakb8[/QUOTE]
    I'm the same way. H has told me a bazillion times that he'll cook if I ask him to and I don't think I should have to ask. Take some damn initiative to feed us. It's a point of contention, obviously.
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  • politely declining their money is not telling them how to spend their money.  its simply saying thank you for the offer, btu we have it covered.  i woudl never think to say "thanks, but i'm concerned about your bills/mortgage.  can you really afford this?"  or "id rather you use that for xyz".
  • pinkpinotpinkpinot member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    edited May 2011

    One of my dogs has been acting out lately towards strangers.  I'm not sure if it's because of the puppy or what.  I'm nervous to bring him around new people but he is going to a behavior workshop with a really awesome dog trainer on Saturday. 

    ETA: which is why I'm hesitating about hiring a cleaning service. 

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  • Pink, I'm going to threadjack, but I saw a little Blue Heeler 7 week old puppy at the park yesterday and his name was OZZIE!! Are you jealous?? :)
  • More about the cleaning service--

    Pinkpinot--we have a friendly dog, our cleaners have dogs, and they are happy to work around our dog.  I don't know how usual that is to find someone who is ok with being alone in your house with your dog, but our cleaners are fine with it.  We have an understanding that if they are uncomfortable with her at all, they will just leave or stop doing what they were doing, and they might not finish cleaning. 

    Calypso--we made sure to hire cleaners who are insured and bonded.  The first few times they came, we were at home (we were doing work at home anyway), and then once they were comfortable in our house and we were comfortable with them, we gave them a key.  Ask your neighbors or friends for recommendations, or read reviews online.  We didn't have very many services to choose from in our area, and one guy I called was super sketchy, so we went with our cleaners who are really nice and professional. 
  • There is a sink (& counter) full of dishes that have been sitting there since, like, Tuesday because H was supposed to do them and I just refuse.  He had all day Wednesday off and they still didn't get done.  His excuse?  He didn't have time.  I took a half day Wed so he has to pick me up at 2pm and he spent from 11am to 2pm driving around trying to find a place to patch his tire.  What was he doing before 11am?!  Or Tuesday morning before work?

    And then I'll feel bad if I don't do them when I get home today because I'll get home first.
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