NWR - But etiquette related...

Simply Fated

My boyfriend's maternal grandfather is in the hospital right now and it's not looking so good for him.
Would it be very wrong to hand a sympathy card to his mother? It seems silly to wait for the post office to bring it, since I'm always at their house, anyway.
I know to mail his grandmother the card, I'm just shaky on what to do about his mom.
And I'm pretty sure it would be okay to do two cards, right? I mean, one for the whole maternal side of the family (there are, like, 80 of them) that would be sent to his grandmother and one for my boyfriend's immediate family that would go to his mother.

I'm sorry if this sounds morbid, asking questions before the poor man has died, but I don't want to be having one foot out the door to get to their house and have to keep a hand on the keyboard waiting for the E-girls to reply. It makes sense to me to be prepared before hand instead of clueless when the time comes.

danieliza1127

Honestly, I would just wait until he passes and then send flowers to the funeral or her home.  In the meantime, maybe just call her and ask how he's doing and if there is anything you and your bf can do to help her or his Grandma out.

akhensley81

This might just be a personal preference, but if someone wants to give me a card I'd prefer they send it in the mail. If someone hands me a card face to face, I feel obligated to open it and read it right there in front of them and then act out whatever reaction I think the other person is expecting. It just seems awkward in general.

Moneypenny424

I think it is fine to hand deliver a card to his mother once her father passes.  I'd say though that if you hear he dies and you immediately head over, that may be a bit too soon to hand it to her and would make it look like you had it just ready to go.  I'd probably wait a day.

I think 2 cards is nice.

I'm sorry to hear this news though.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-but-etiquette-related?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c0894e2-ea57-4c40-8ee7-84c92fa9f28aPost:22501fe6-1533-4797-ab65-99f9ed11a928">Re: NWR - But etiquette related...</a>:
[QUOTE]This might just be a personal preference, but if someone wants to give me a card I'd prefer they send it in the mail. If someone hands me a card face to face, I feel obligated to open it and read it right there in front of them and then act out whatever reaction I think the other person is expecting. It just seems awkward in general.
Posted by akhensley81[/QUOTE]
oooh, really good point. I agree with that.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-but-etiquette-related?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c0894e2-ea57-4c40-8ee7-84c92fa9f28aPost:22501fe6-1533-4797-ab65-99f9ed11a928">Re: NWR - But etiquette related...</a>:
[QUOTE]This might just be a personal preference, but if someone wants to give me a card I'd prefer they send it in the mail. If someone hands me a card face to face, I feel obligated to open it and read it right there in front of them and then act out whatever reaction I think the other person is expecting. It just seems awkward in general.
Posted by akhensley81[/QUOTE]

Yeah exactly.  If you just hand someone a sympathy card, you might as well skip the card and just say what you are trying to say in your own words since you're standing right there in front of them anyway.

xyrius

I would mail his mom the card as well, for exactly the reasons AK stated.  

And please don't give it to them before he dies (that's how I read that post) - if that's not what you intended to do than I'm sorry.

And a card for Grandma and a card for mom are just fine.  When my dad passed away everyone addressed the cards to my grandmother, (they all ended up coming to me after anyway) - and I found that acceptable.

Wrkn925

I cringed, literally, because I misread at first, and thought you were delivering this card before he died.

I don't think you can go wrong with giving cards, just make sure it's post-mortem.  And you don't need to deliver the card before the coroner arrives...
I think it would be best to hand out cards atleast two days after he passes.  Getting them in the mail after the funeral is ok.

When people lose a family member, it's always the week or so after the funeral that's devastating. (In my experience.)  That's when all the family members go home, people stop calling to express their condolences, and all the hoopla is over.  It might be nice to receive that card then.

JanoBean75

When H's grandmother passed away two years ago, people brought cards with them to the funeral and to the house afterwards. No one expected H to open them right then.

I think if it were at the funeral/gathering after, it'd be okay. But the PP who mentioned asking what, if anything, FI's grandmother might need help with, was right. Anything you can do to help would be a good thing to do.

Simply Fated

Whoa whoa whoa... there will be no delivering any sympathy cards before the man dies. I'm sorry if that's how you read it, but I promise I did not intend for that at all, I promise.
All I meant by asking this question now is that when he dies I'm going to be more concerned with being there for the family and not sitting at the computer waiting for the E-girls to reply. I'd rather just know the answer now so that when the time does come, I'll be good to go.

redheadfsu

Cook them food or bring flowers or something to help. Sending a card is something that I do when I can't be around to help.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'd only deliver it in person if you're bringing a cake or flowers or something else with it. Otherwise, have it ready to go, but stick it in the mail the day after he passes (or two days after). And yes, two cards would be nice.

LDYGTR13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-but-etiquette-related?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c0894e2-ea57-4c40-8ee7-84c92fa9f28aPost:22501fe6-1533-4797-ab65-99f9ed11a928">Re: NWR - But etiquette related...</a>:
[QUOTE]This might just be a personal preference, but if someone wants to give me a card I'd prefer they send it in the mail. If someone hands me a card face to face, I feel obligated to open it and read it right there in front of them and then act out whatever reaction I think the other person is expecting. It just seems awkward in general.
Posted by akhensley81[/QUOTE]


That's exactly what I was thinking. I <3 you AK. lol

squirrly

I generally only send sympathy cards if I can't express my sympathy in person, or if I have more to say than will fit in the 10 seconds I had to greet/console at the visitation. 

I prefer to send them flowers at home, or a gift basket, or take food to the house. 

When my grandfather passed away, I had thousands and thousands of photos and slides to go through to prepare things for the funeral.  If they decide to do that, you might offer to help.  It's a really mundane task, sorting out the photos that don't have the person you're looking for in them.  I'm sure there are other tasks they might need help with - we had to pick up some of his clothes from the dry cleaners that were still there, etc.  A lot of that stuff was tough to do.  It seems like you're close enough that they might let you in enough to let you help with things like that.

Simply Fated

Thank you everyone for your replies!
If anyone else have anything to add on, go right ahead, I'll keep checking this thread until it gets lost on page 2.

Oh and If I didn't reply to you specifically, it's not because I am purposely ignoring you or anything like that so please don't think I am!  <333

missy68

I am late to this, but one thing you could consider doing now(if family members are staying at the hospital for long periods of time) is putting together a "care" basket for them. Some magazines, puzzle books, snacks, etc. It sounds weird, but is appreciated. Also, you could relieve the person for a few hours for dinner or take a dinner to them. Just a thought.