Wedding Etiquette Forum

Invite Stepmothers Family?

My dad remarried when I was 13. Both my father and stepmother have large Catholic families. I'm not that close to her fam, but I see them once a year or so and they've been around awile, so I was happy to invite them and she and dad seemed pleased that they were on the initial list (a seemingly reasonable 160 given their 2 families of 20+each). After an akward convo, my dad agreed to split the cost of our wedding (up to a certain amount) with my mom, but told me that he would have to borrow the funds. And now he continually is asking if we can cut guests, even though I'm in the spending range agreed on. I feel guilty about this, but also annoyed - he's had 2 children since me, both in private school, his wife doesn't work, they have a 5 bed, 5 bath house in a lakefront community, own a boat, go on vacay every year, etc. My mom struggled to raise me solo but apparently planned for me to one day get married. He's suggested not inviting my step cousins, just sm's siblings, which seems tacky to me since I'm inviting all my real cousins. He asks if I can cut friends. I'm tempted to just not invite his wife's family. I'd love to have them there, but if the cost is bugging him out so much, I'd rather loose them than close friends. Are there etiquette rules on this? Other thoughts?

Re: Invite Stepmothers Family?

  • edited July 2010
    You're making your dad borrow money to fund your wedding and also taking money from your mom who doesn't sound like she can afford it either? Classy.
  • I would cut out her extended family, they seem unnecessary to me.  Invite your step-brothers/sisters or half-brother/sisters and spouses if they have them, and call it a day.
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  • Sounds like you have a lot of resentment about your parents divorce and your father's remarriage. Your father doesn't have to give you any money. He is trying his best to help you which you seem to ignore. He is taking out a loan just to help you. Why don't you pay for the additional guests that you want there. Stop complaining and appreciate it that he is helping you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-stepmothers-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c8550e2-cad3-4a03-a62d-d155276de55fPost:57ea75c3-531e-40a3-910c-46256f929171">Invite Stepmothers Family?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My dad remarried when I was 13. Both my father and stepmother have large Catholic families. I'm not that close to her fam, but I see them once a year or so and they've been around awile, so I was happy to invite them and she and dad seemed pleased that they were on the initial list (a seemingly reasonable 160 given their 2 families of 20+each). After an akward convo, my dad agreed to split the cost of our wedding (up to a certain amount) with my mom, but told me that he would have to borrow the funds. And now he continually is asking if we can cut guests, even though I'm in the spending range agreed on. I feel guilty about this, but also annoyed - he's had 2 children since me, both in private school, his wife doesn't work, they have a 5 bed, 5 bath house in a lakefront community, own a boat, go on vacay every year, etc. My mom struggled to raise me solo but apparently planned for me to one day get married. He's suggested not inviting my step cousins, just sm's siblings, which seems tacky to me since I'm inviting all my real cousins. He asks if I can cut friends. I'm tempted to just not invite his wife's family. I'd love to have them there, but if the cost is bugging him out so much, I'd rather loose them than close friends. Are there etiquette rules on this? Other thoughts?
    Posted by Neenah11[/QUOTE]

    If he is paying for half (and borrowing it? Thats sad) then he does get some say. If you want to have things completely your way, you'll have to pay.
  • Also, how much your dad makes or spends is really not your business.  It might be hard to put that out of your mind, but you need to otherwise you'll be the one looking entitled.  He doesn't have to help you pay for your wedding at all, so just be thankful for what he is contributing.  If he can't afford the original agreed on amount, so be it.  If he asks you to cut the guest list, you need to either do it or you and your FI pay the difference.  No one is obligated to pay for your wedding but you.
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  • I think it's perfectly fine NOT to invite SM's cousins, even if you're inviting your biological ones.

    I also get where you're coming from- if I percieved that my Mom had busted her ass to provide for me while my dad's new family lived VERY comfortably (possibly above their means?), it would hurt my feelings, too. I think as long as you're inviting your DAD's family, you're fine. And I think it's really nice that you're inviting your step-mom's siblings. I think you're good.
  • Why are you accepting money from somebody who has to borrow it to give it to you?  I think you should invite whomever you like but you should pay for it yourself.
    Married 10/2/10
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