Mother of Bride wants your opinion

clindrose

I'm the mother of the bride and have some questions. Our daughter is marrying a man with 2 children. Neither of them have been married before and are both in their 30's. They've been living together two years and getting married in June. We are giving them $5000 for a wedding. We are the only one's contributing. So far the budget would allow us to provide some food (fried chicken, pizza, pasta salad, reg salad). It's not going to be the traditional reception but more of a party for friends and relatives (125 people). Now our future son in law is saying he doesn't want to spend so much money on food ($1000) and wants to just have appetizers and booze. He doesn't want to spend the entire $5000 on the wedding. (We initially told them they could use the money for a smaller wedding and a honeymoon, etc. they are not doing a honeymoon.). They also want a private, immediate family, wedding on the beach, just parents and siblings. No aunts, uncles, etc. Now, we as her parents are feeling uncomfortable about all the family coming to the reception when all they are getting is munchies and booze. How much say do we have in what's happening? I know it's their wedding day, but it is our money. And our daughter. Who gets the final say? Thanks for any help in advance...

MoonlightSilver

What time is the wedding? If it's not during a meal time, appetizers and booze could be appropriate. But if it's during a meal time, they need to properly host their guests with a meal (which could be very heavy apps, but it has to be enough that people wont be hungry).

lyndausvi

How did you give them money?

Did you say "Here is $5000, do as you please"?   or did you say "We would like to host a wedding for you" and plan on spending $5000?


My parents did the second way.  That way they had control.  Just like anyone throwing any other party.  Lucky for us we all had the same idea of how to host.  There were no issues.

If you did it the first way you don't have as much control.  Some control, but not as much.   It also puts you in a bad spot.  If you pull the plug on the money there are problems.  If you don't say anything you might be embarrassed they guests are not properly hosted.

Fancypantsamy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-bride-wants-your-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cfe1d52-32f1-4d61-9a71-eda8faa7cd3fPost:2d886dc0-9ca8-4c65-b531-6ed3cf8fff5b">Mother of Bride wants your opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm the mother of the bride and have some questions. Our daughter is marrying a man with 2 children. Neither of them have been married before and are both in their 30's. They've been living together two years and getting married in June. <strong>We are giving them $5000 for a wedding</strong>. We are the only one's contributing. So far the budget would allow us to provide some food (fried chicken, pizza, pasta salad, reg salad). It's not going to be the traditional reception but more of a party for friends and relatives (125 people). Now our future son in law is saying he doesn't want to spend so much money on food ($1000) and wants to just have appetizers and booze. He doesn't want to spend the entire $5000 on the wedding. (<strong>We initially told them they could use the money for a smaller wedding and a honeymoon, etc. they are not doing a honeymoon.</strong>). They also want a private, immediate family, wedding on the beach, just parents and siblings. No aunts, uncles, etc. Now, we as her parents are feeling uncomfortable about all the family coming to the reception when all they are getting is munchies and booze. How much say do we have in what's happening? I know it's their wedding day, but it is our money. And our daughter. Who gets the final say? Thanks for any help in advance...
Posted by clindrose[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>How did you give them the money? To me it sounds like you gave them $5000, told them to spend it how they wish and now suddenly you don't like that and you're changing the terms (I could be mistaken, but that's the conclusion I drew from your post) - when giving money that has strings attached  - which is what you seem to want to do with your "it's our daughter" and "we as her parents"  remarks - you sound like you want your money to trump your future son in law's wishes - it's your responsibility to voice those terms to the couple, and they have the responsibilty to either find middle ground, do what you want, or reject those terms and pay for the wedding themselves.</div><div>
</div><div>If I were you, as long as the couple is properly hosting their guests (a decent amunt of snacks and drinks, non meal time event) I would let them do as they wish to maintain a decent relationship with them after the wedding. But that's just me. 

</div>

ladytori

My parents gave us money for the wedding, and my husband and I planned it exactly how we wanted it. (We were lucky beause I heard so many terrible stories about parents giving money and then, they wanted to plan everything without the bride's or groom's input.)

When you gave them the money, was it for a specific item? Or was it for them to put towards anything with their wedding?

hoffse

My parents are paying for ours, but they never wrote us a check.  They are simply signing the bills as they come in, so they ultimately have control over how their money is spent.

That said, if you handed them a check for $5,000 and said, "have fun" that money is now theirs.

Calypso1977

granted, we had a cash bar,  but we were able to feed 75 people at a buffet luncheon for about $2500. perhaps they can provide a meal rather than just apps if they think outside the box a bit.

but if they just want a wedding with immediate family only, that's ok, but i think tehy should provide a meal for such a small group and IMO, it should be a nice one if we are talking 20 or so people +/- AND the fact that the money is coming from you.

you dont HAVE to give them any money, so if this makes you uncomfortable, then tell them to pay for their own wedding.  they are in their 30's and have been on their own for some time.   June's only a few months away now (totally doable) but really a budget needs to be nailed down soon.

Kate61487

Is the $5000 in their bank account currently or yours?  If it's in theirs then you don't really have any say anymore; you said they could use it as they like.  You can voice your concerns but ultimately they will do as they please and you can't stop them.

If it's still in yours then you get a say, but for fear of becoming one of "those" MOBs tread a little lightly.  As long as they are treating their guests properly (sufficient food for the time of day) and not overtly breaking any major etiquette rules I'd let them plan the party they want.  Having a private ceremony is okay - I'm not a fan, personally, but as long as it's truly private and not becoming a tiered event with 50% of the guest list invited it's fine. 

If you don't feel the party they're planning if up to snuff for your extended family (and I feel you on that - I wouldn't want to travel to a wedding only to not see the ceremony and then get cheese and crackers and be sent home) then make sure the invitation states EXACTLY what's happening (please join us for a cocktail reception in celebration of daughter & FI's marriage) and let your daughter know it's not necessary to invite great aunt Suzie.

FWIW - my parents paid for our wedding (by paying the vendors directly) and we had zero issues.  We were all on the same page regarding the type of event we wanted and they wholly supported the 'different' things we wanted to do (like our sundae bar).  A family friend, on the other hand, wrote a blank check for her daughter's wedding and it was a complete disaster - her daughter was constantly demanding more money and the end event was a train wreck that the parents were embarassed to be associated with.

gailpete

If you told them the money was for the wedding (including a honeymoon) and THEY now want a small wedding with chips and beer and pocket the rest of the money for other uses, you have a right to say you don't approve and that is not what the money was intended for.

If you told them- here is $5000 for your wedding, whatever you don't spend is yours, you have less of a say. If they want a smaller wedding and are properly hosting the guests, you can't complain.  If they are not properly hosting the guests, then you can speak up.

GoodLuckBear14

OP my aunt and uncle were in a similar position.  They gave $5000 towards their daughter's wedding just to find out their FSIL wanted to do everything on the cheap, have a wedding for 150 for $1000 and spend $4000 on a honeymoon package.  Aunt and Uncle sat their daughter down and in no uncertain terms told her that they love her and they gave this money for THE WEDDING.  FSIL was pissed and my cousin was caught in the middle but she eventually decided that her parents were right.

arendiva

I realize that prices are regional But for $1600 I'm having a cocktail hour with 5 varieties of appetisers and a full italian buffet dinner for 100 people. It's all about finding an affordable caterer. perhaps if you found an option that would served dinner while still being in the price range that they want to spend they may be willing to do a full dinner instead of just snacks.

GoodLuckBear14

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-bride-wants-your-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cfe1d52-32f1-4d61-9a71-eda8faa7cd3fPost:610eaf91-b188-4636-bb33-263ba96a22d2">Re: Mother of Bride wants your opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother of Bride wants your opinion : yes, but did your aunt and uncle tell your cousin that she was welcome to spend less and use the rest for whatever they wish when they gave her the money?  I would be 100% on board with "the money is for the wedding and needs to be spent on the wedding" if the OP hadn't told her daughter that they could use part of the money for the wedding and spend the other part on a honeymoon if they wanted.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
</div>
<div align="left">But they aren't going on a honeymoon.  If they were, then I'd say she's stuck.  With them deciding on not doing one option, I'd say the money should all go towards the remaining one.

ETA: OP, you really need to clear up the "etc." here because that may change my answer:
<em>We initially told them they could use the money for a smaller wedding and a honeymoon, etc. they are not doing a honeymoon</em></div>

Simply Fated

(We initially told them they could use the money for a smaller wedding and a honeymoon, etc. they are not doing a honeymoon.)
What is "etcetera?" Did you leave it open ended or did you tell them "Wedding and or honeymoon and that's it." Because it looks like they're pocketing the money for things completely unrelated to their wedding... which, depending on how you offered them the money, is something they can do.
Did you offer them the 5K and tell them to just do as they please? Did you already give it to them?

You do get a say in where the money goes.... maybe you can offer to do specific things with the money? Like, instead of just cutting them a check for $5,000 you can offer some of it going to refreshments or to flowers. And let them pull from the $5,000 pot as you see fit.

jmayinc

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-bride-wants-your-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cfe1d52-32f1-4d61-9a71-eda8faa7cd3fPost:b5351050-546f-46ef-9851-0e1f8764ecd3">Re: Mother of Bride wants your opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]I realize that prices are regional But for $1600 I'm having a cocktail hour with 5 varieties of appetisers and a full italian buffet dinner for 100 people. It's all about finding an affordable caterer. perhaps if you found an option that would served dinner while still being in the price range that they want to spend they may be willing to do a full dinner instead of just snacks.
Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]

I think this is a good idea and you could approach them with this if they are a money conscious couple. They may not know another option other than "big, extravagant,and expensive". It would definitely help with clarification of how the money was presented as to the amount of "say" one has.

McRogol

Like PP have said, I think it really depends on how your "gave" them the money.  My parents told us what their budget for contributing was and FI and I have opted to not try to spend all the money, not to keep the difference but becuase it feels like a lot of money to spend on one day.  My parents have not really vetoed our choices, but I learned early on in life that my family lives by the saying, "Those who pay get the say." So we made sure ALL of my mother's friends were invited because that was important to her and we scaled back accordingly.  All of this came to pass becuase we were very open with each other about the money and the planning process.  IMO, when talking about spending someone else's money that they are "gfting" to you for a wedding better to be upfront about it all then feel uncomfortable.

So talk to your daughter!  Tell her your uncomfortable!  Discuss it with her.  Find a solution that you feel good about.

clindrose

Thank you all for taking the time to help with our dilemma. In looking back, we really should have been more direct as to what we wanted them to do with the money. We meant to say to use the money for a wedding and if affordable, a little get away. We didn't mean for them to use it for their bills or unrelated expenses. Our daughter seems to want to go along with whatever our FSIN wants so its hard for her to make a decision without having him with her. (He's also very "frugal") We did talk to our daughter privately yesterday and really tried to make the case for food. I think they may be coming around to allotting a portion of the money for food. Originally they were talking of having a party from 5-12. I injected they'd save money if they went from 7-11. I think they'll go along with that idea. But, you're absolutely right that we don't want to create hard feelings with them. We just don't want all our relatives to remember this as the wedding from hell. They also want to get the invites mailed out as soon as possible. (For a late June wedding). I've at least got them down to 10 wks before the wedding (I know it should be 6-8 I also know they could send Save the date cards which they refused because of stamp prices). Some things ill just have to let go of. Since we're just getting started, I think we need to tell our daughter at this point what our intentions are with the money and make sure we note on the invitations what people are to expect. We did not just hand over the entire amt. We started by giving them $2000 and will give them more as needed. Thanks again for helping us think this thing through! I think my husband summed it up best, they want me to have all the responsibility in planning this without any control.

clindrose

One more thing, initially we were going to give them money as needed because they wanted to plan the wedding themselves without my help. I was able to divorce myself from what they were doing because I could tell friends that this was there doing. But about a month passed and they hadn't really accomplished anything and I told them I could help. (I like planning these types of things). But now that I have more input, I feel the reception will be a reflection on me. I think that plays into it.

reppunzel

If they want a 6-hour event from 5 pm to midnight, you are right that they need to serve a meal or enough heavy appetizers to constitute a meal.  Even for 7-11 (I'm assuming pm), they need substantial appetizers, especially if there's alcohol involved.  Heavy apps. can often be more expensive than a meal, because they are more labor intensive.

I think you do need to sit down with both of them (preferably you and your husband with the two of them) and clarify about the money and your expectations.  You need to hash out between you who is hosting and who is responsible for what in the planning.  Of course, you don't want to be the nasty FMIL, but I think there's a difference between arbitrary "strings" ("I'll pay, but only if you have your cousin in the wedding party" or "I will only pay for white roses ... if you dare to decorate with red carnations, you're on your own") and your specifying that guests / your family must be properly hosted with the money you provide. 

clindrose

Thank you ladies! It's helpful to know I'm not crazy and I have rights too. I am cautious that I'm not too controlling. I would like us all to work together to have a beautiful wedding. I think we can do it. Thanks!