Do I Have To?

lv2011

I know most women would be thrilled that family or friends had offered to throw a shower for them. I'm not one of them. FI and I had decided from the beginning that we were not going to register, not going to spread the word about wanting anything, and ONLY hoping for the attendance of our loved ones on the day. My family is fine with that, but FI's family seems to not understand. There have now been several conversations about trying to schedule a date to have a shower, and both FI and I have spoken out together about not wanting one but appreciating the offer.

This past weekend, we were at FI's sisters house for her son's birthday and she asked about it again. I really like his sister. She's very sweet and mild-mannered. But as I was telling her again that we'd rather not, she had this look on her face like I was physically wounding her. I guess on his side of the family, the showers are a big tradition (yes showers plural--they do a bridal shower and a kitchen shower (still struggling for a definition)), and since FI is the last of that generation to get married, several people have been really looking forward to them. I didn't realize that, and FI never mentioned that to me, but it doesn't really change how we feel about wanting them for us.

I have social anxiety issues. I hate being placed on the spot about anything and have a tendency to freeze up when people I'm not all that familiar with try to have a conversation with me. And it's always been hard for me to stick to my guns when there's a difference of opinion. I know that sounds pathetic and spineless. I really can't seem to help it. And now I feel like I've picked the wrong time to be ascertive. I keep saying that it's so awesome that they're all so generous and supportive, but we'd really rather not.  Do we have to say yes to these showers? Are we going to be stigmatized because we broke with their tradition? I don't want to cause hurt feelings about anything, but we did make it very clear from the very beginning that we didn't want any. And now I'm struggling between feeling bad for refusing, and feeling like our preference was ignored.

I'm really not sure what to do here. No one has been mean about it, just a little pushy. A little guidance please?

crash2729

If you are not planning on registering, I would definitely not have a shower. 
You will probably end up with all sorts of weird items. If you and FI have decided 100% that you don't want to register or have a shower, then stick to your guns. Maybe have your FI explain to his family why you don't want a shower.

Maggie0829

Just keep reiterating what you have been saying, that you really appreciate the offer but since you and FI are not registering that you would prefer to not have a shower.  They will eventually get the hint.  They will also get over not having one (or two) for you as well.  You should not have to do something that you obviously do not want to do and that will make you feel uncomfortable.

I would also suggest that if they do bring it up again have your FI talk to them without you to really hammer in the last nail to the "No showers" coffin.

egm900

There is nothing wrong with not having a shower, and since you're not registering, a shower really isn't a good idea.  I would explain to FSIL (or have FI do it) that you understand it is a tradition in FI's family, however, you don't feel comfortable with having one since FI and you have decided against registering.  If you throw in the social anxiety that's fine, but if you'd rather not share that, I think that's okay too.  There are certain traditions from each of FI's and I's families that we are choosing not to follow, and I don't feel bad about it.  Those traditions don't work for us, and I think the same can be said here.

rlavach

I can understand why your FSIL was a bit put off because of all the reasons you mentioned. A lot of people take great joy in giving to others in the form of a shower and apparently this is something that meant a lot to her. All of that aside, this is a shower for YOU and YOUR FI. So even if 45 people want to throw you a shower, only you two decide if it will happen or not. You need to be absolutely clear that this is something you don't want at all. Since this is your FI's sister, have him speak to her. 

If you just mildly say you'd prefer to not have it, it may be misunderstood. They may think that you think it's putting them out or too much of an expense for you & then throw you a surprise one. So while you don't need to explain why you do not desire one, it needs to be 100% clear that you will NOT accept a shower. 

[Deleted User]

I think you should stick to your guns here, and have FI field the issue. You say that you've made it clear from the getgo that you don't want one. It seems like they're deliberately disrespecting your feelings, even if their hearts might be in the right place. I fear that if you get steamrolled on this, you've set a precedent that you're apt to be steamrolled in the future.

seesawgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-have-to-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7d7768a4-d4f7-4d69-99f8-d122bf034fcdPost:6c19f42b-f815-4b52-b4e3-4fc632772457">Re: Do I Have To?</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't have to accept the showers. That being said, if it is a big tradtion in his family, they are likely to be let down. Maybe one shower where FI attends with you would be a nice compromise?
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This is what I would do. I, like you, did not want a shower, and in declining all offers, I wound up offending several members of my FH's family. It's not just about gifts, a lot of people look at it as them welcoming you into the "women of the family". In declining the shower, it seems to them like you are declining that welcome, or, at least that is how it was explained to me. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

achiduck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-have-to-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7d7768a4-d4f7-4d69-99f8-d122bf034fcdPost:6c19f42b-f815-4b52-b4e3-4fc632772457">Re: Do I Have To?</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't have to accept the showers. That being said, if it is a big tradtion in his family, they are likely to be let down. Maybe one shower where FI attends with you would be a nice compromise?
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

This is what I would do. It sounds like it's a really big deal in his family. Would you feel any better with your FI there?

lv2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-have-to-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7d7768a4-d4f7-4d69-99f8-d122bf034fcdPost:f97f9b6d-7e2c-4e58-96ca-44f68e7b5b3f">Re: Do I Have To?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I Have To? : This is what I would do. It sounds like it's a really big deal in his family. Would you feel any better with your FI there?
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

I honestly don't know if him being there would help. It'd be great if all questions or remarks were directed toward him, but that's unrealistic. I get so uncomfortable when people ask me things because I feel like I'll never say the right thing. And if FI fields the questions so I don't have to, I feel like it looks like I don't know how to think for myself. It's a no-win situation in my mind. I really am that socially awkward. I know that with a wedding, I should just get over it because people are going to be asking things and talking to me all day long of the wedding. But I'm fine with my family, just not his (not that there's anything wrong with them).

The other side of it is that we absolutely are not registering. Having a shower would just be wrong. We do not want gifts of any kind. To have an ocassion held that is specifically designed for gift giving goes directly against our wishes. i understand there's a social aspect of it, but on it's face a shower is wrong here. Combined with the social anxiety aspect, and there's just no way for me to see doing it.

I think I would suffer through it if FI was at all inclined toward having one, but he doesn't want it any more than I do. I really don't want to insult anyone, especially if it's their way of "welcoming me into the women of the family", but there's no way I'll be comfortable in that situation- even if all the women of my family are there too. And I really REALLY want to avoid a "steamrollable" persona.

lauraanne9

How about some sort of a wedding luncheon?  I am guessing you may still get some gifts, but if you are clear that you don't want gifts and that the luncheon is your compromise, it may work better.  Also, if you are seated at a table, you may be able to have a little more say as to who you are seated with, giving you the chance to have more conversation with the people you are most comfortable with and less contact with those you do not know as well.  I would try to arrange, and this goes against etiquette if it gets out, to maybe have somone on your side of the family, who is aware of the social anxiety, throw the luncheaon and set up seating. 

Just my 2 cents.  My brother has social anxiety as well, so I have gotten pretty good at finding ways around things so he is still comfortable.

seesawgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-have-to-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7d7768a4-d4f7-4d69-99f8-d122bf034fcdPost:5753f932-b782-45d7-9ea8-b4697b04316f">Re: Do I Have To?</a>:
[QUOTE]How about some sort of a wedding luncheon?  I am guessing you may still get some gifts, but if you are clear that you don't want gifts and that the luncheon is your compromise, it may work better.  Also, if you are seated at a table, you may be able to have a little more say as to who you are seated with, giving you the chance to have more conversation with the people you are most comfortable with and less contact with those you do not know as well.  I would try to arrange, and this goes against etiquette if it gets out, to maybe have somone on your side of the family, who is aware of the social anxiety, throw the luncheaon and set up seating.  Just my 2 cents.  My brother has social anxiety as well, so I have gotten pretty good at finding ways around things so he is still comfortable.
Posted by lauraanne9[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>That sounds like a great idea, and is pretty close to what I wound up doing. </div><div>
</div><div>For what it's worth, I have really, really bad social anxiety/awkwardness. I wounldn't call it so much of a clinical condition in my case, more like a by product from being home schooled for waaaay too long, but the end result is the same. I tend to withdraw, and wind up looking like a snob because I seem like I don't want to socialize with people. Anyways, I feel for you. I know what it's like to desperately want to talk, but feeling like you don't have the ability to communicate properly. You get the choice of being seen either as a snob, or as mentally handicapped. :-/ </div><div>
</div><div>If I were you, I'd have a heart to heart with FI about how he needs to directly end all conversation about gift giving events with the members of his family, and explain why, and try to come to some sort of compromise on an alternative way to celebrate. They are his family (as of now) and I, personally feel like its up to him to say "This is our decision, we appreciate it, but this will not work. Let's find something that does."</div><div>
</div><div> If your FI is anything like my DH, he probably thinks that he is backing you up just by nodding his head and agreeing. He may not realize that he needs to directly dicuss this with his family for them to take it seriously. </div>

Corgnilias

I'm in the same position as you. We aren't registering for gifts and don't want anything. It's not that we have everything we want in life, but we definitely have everything we need, and above all we want this to be a celebration of love and not material things. We explain this and people nod, and then a week or two later they ask us again what we want for a gift. We keep reiterating and so far people have grown pretty accepting. 

Some showers were proposed for me, for which I also expressed gratitude but politely declined. As a compromise we let the strongest proponents (my family out of state and a core group of his friends in our town) plan their own engagement parties for us where food was served and the hosts verbally circulated a "no gifts please" message in advance. The first one was great fun and we really appreciated this time to celebrate with a smaller group where we had more time to visit with each person than we will have at the wedding. Engagement party #2 is this weekend.

I will warn you to expect some stuff nonetheless. So far after engagement party #1, we have a set of plastic glasses, a salad bowl/plate/picnic set, $50 in a card, a framed wood carving made by a family member, two boxes of chocolates, and a s'mores kit. It overwhelms me a bit because I like to keep life simple and I have yard sales to pare down even the little that I have. But we will try hard to find uses for these items since they were given by well-meaning loved ones, and we have the thank-you cards ready to write for these and any other things that may trickle in.