Invite cut list...kinda long

DanielleD7782

Way back when we first started planning we needed an estimate amount of people on the invite list so we knew what size reception hall to look for. My parents are divorced and both remarried when I was young. Because of this I have a pretty big family. My FI family is pretty small. (About 1/3 of my families) We each asked our parents (me both sets) to give us an estimate on who they would like to invite. This was oviously not set in stone. My mom responded with 5 couples and dad/stepmom responded with 5 couples and one single. My FI parents sent their ENTIRE Christmas card list. I'm talking over 35 couples outside of the family. FI immediately agreed that was way too many but they were clueless since they are so old. (mom is 70 and dad is 75) Now that we are really trying to narrow the list down I told my FI that his parents need to cut it back to 5 or 6 couples like parents did. He claims that his parents get twice the amount since my parents together are each getting 5 couples. Keep in mind my mom & dad are paying for almost everything. FI & I are paying all deposits and his parents are paying for rehearsal dinner. They want to invite random neighbors that they haven't lived by in 10 years! FI big reason is that my family is so large that they need to invite more people to balance it out. We have a max. of 220 people that our place will hold and he is telling me to cut out some people on my list (which I did), but we still are waaaay over. I've told him that we can do the "A" List and then put some his parents friends on the "B" list if we get rsvps as No.

Is there a rule that both sides have to have the same amount on the invite list? Am I out of line to say that they shouldn't have that many people on the invite list? 

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-cut-listkinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7dd57b52-64ff-46f2-b6a7-7abbd2af899bPost:3d14c107-1866-413b-be1d-24b484d0bcc8">Re: Invite cut list...kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Invite cut list...kinda long : The justification is that her parents are paying!
Posted by TheSaltyPeanut[/QUOTE]

I understand that her parents are paying, but I don't think they'd really want to be so ungracious as to say that they get to invite twice the number of family friends than the groom's family does.  They're already inviting many many more people from their "side" simply because the bride's family is so large. 

Also, the groom's family is contributing, too, just not to the reception.  Just because they're paying doesn't mean they shoud be bratty - would it be okay, then, if they said that the groom's parents couldn't invite any guests? 

DanielleD7782

"There is no rule that both sides get the same number of invites.  With your parents paying, they get to determine who gets an invite."

My parents really will get the final say? I've already had conversations with my mom about it and she has offered to call the FMIL to talk about who is paying for the wedding. (Since the in-laws haven't discussed it or brought it up other than the RD.) I feel like thats a slipperly slope to go down and would rather not have the parents talking amongst themselves to avoid trouble.

And I know 70 & 75 isn't THAT old, but compared to my parents that are both 55, it is quite a bit older. I added that in to show the generational gap that they have.

We are going to decide the final guest list this week and it makes me a little nervous...especially when he is like oh well they won't travel all this way to come anyways...yada yada yada. I don't want to invite someone and bank on them not coming...I feel thats how you end up with way too many people. And I also agree the B list isn't ideal, but I'm trying to be creative with him...

We have to make the men feel like everything is THEIR idea right? haha

ohwhynot

Um, no, we don't have to do that.

But anyway, is the issue REALLY an extra 5 couples?  Out of a 225 guest wedding?  Because it sounds like, except for the question of whether his parents get to invite 5 couples or whether they get to invite 10, you and your fi and your parents are all on the same page.  Is that right?

ac_in_dc

Don't have your mom call to clear things up. You and FI need to get on the same page and then he should deal with the negotiations with his parents.

edit: and I think ohwhynot has good advice here fwiw

TheSaltyPeanut

If you reread the OP, it sounds like FI's parents are wanting to invite these random people just for the sake of inviting people (like the neighbor of 10 years ago)... not that it's 5 extra couples that are very near and dear good friends... if I am reading it right.

ohwhynot

You may be right - I read it (and re-read it) as, when FILs submitted their list of about 35 couples, it included people like the random neighbors. 

It didn't seem to me that the FILs have been approached about narrowing it down yet - it seemed like OP and her fi agree that the FILs have to trim out the random folks and get a reasonable list in, but that the OP thought 5 was reasonable and the fi thought it should be 10. 

Sparkles1985

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-cut-listkinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7dd57b52-64ff-46f2-b6a7-7abbd2af899bPost:fe1cbbe0-73d8-42e5-ac69-5c8100eec9d9">Re: Invite cut list...kinda long</a>:
<div class="Discussion_PostQuote">Wow.  I agree with your fi that it would be nice for his parents to be allowed 5 couples for each parent, just like yours were.  What is your justification for saying that your parents, as a unit, get 10 couples but his only get 5?  I don't think I follow you on that. Also - 70 and 75 really isn't all that old. 
Posted by ohwhynot</div>
The justification is that her parents are paying!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Invite cut list...kinda long : The justification is that her parents are paying!
Posted by TheSaltyPeanut[/QUOTE]

And that she has two sets of parents, not just one set to accommodate, if that makes sense.

SarahPLiz

Sides don't have to be even. We have 90 guests on our list, and 5 are FI's family. 2 couples of mutual friends are on there, and the rest are my family. We are paying for it ourselves, and he is paying for most of it.

The way you have final say on the list, is that you address the invites. Let FI talk ot his parents and try to cut down the list with them. If they can't make a decision, then he can.

If you don't send an invitation, then they aren't invited, no matter who put them on the list.

Anthriel22

In no way is it required that the invites be equal on both sides.  My parents are paying the bulk of the costs, FI and I are picking up the rest.  My family is HUGE, so we have twice as many invites as FI's side.  His parents wanted to invite family friends(more than my parents).  Even though I dont really want to, we are using a B-list, even though it is VERY controversial, but the people on the B-list are people I have never met, who dont really know any one else invited to the wedding, and FI isnt really close to.  We are putting them on a B-list just to make FIL's happy. FIL's are okay with this, it seems to make every party happy.  So, if it came down to it, I think a B-list might work in your case, especially since these people dont seem to be important to you.  Otherwise, you have to put your foot down and make them cut their list.  But I also agree that your FI needs to be on the same page as you.