Bridesmaid Help

amadrierith

I have 2 BMs and one MOH. My MOH and one of my BM's has ordered their dress for the wedding, because it's going out of production very soon. The other one is my friend that I have known for years, we met at our old job. We haven't ever been super close, but we've always kept in contact with each other. When I asked her to be a BM, she was excited and happy. Went I went home for spring break, we met up, had a nice day together with her kids at her home. When I found the dress, I called her and told her that if she could order it soon, that would be great. My mom paid the deposit on it so I told her she didn't have to pay anything right now, and that I knew she was busy with 3 kids so I understand if it took a couple weeks for her to order it.

Well, its been over a month, and she still hasn't ordered the dress. I have called and left messages, and sent her messages on facebook. She hasn't ordered yet, I call the salon and check every week. I haven't heard from her since early March. I don't know if she changed her mind or what, but she isn't talking to me. Since this dress is going out of production soon, should I just find another BM? All the dresses for the girls are the same, the only difference being the colors are swiched for my MOH. If I wait too long and the dress is gone, then I have to find another dress that is completely different from the other two, not really big deal, I'm just concerned about getting the exact colors to match the other 2 dresses. What would you do?

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e3a30c3-1a1b-468d-9bb5-5d5af99074e5Post:e67c39ba-a179-464e-b6f0-13bff9908a1b">Bridesmaid Help</a>:
[QUOTE]We haven't ever been super close....<div>What would you do?
Posted by amadrierith[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>I wouldn't have asked her in the first place. But if all else fails, I was able to color match my dresses perfectly (two different styles from two completely different designers). It's a pain in the ass, but it's doable. </div><div>
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danieliza1127

Don't just up and pick another bridesmaid. 

Are you ordering from David's Bridal?  Because they tell pretty much everyone that every dress is being discontinued, and it rarely actually happens. 

Your girls really don't need to order dresses earlier than 6 months out, so I think you are overreacting and need to just relax and back off a little.

amadrierith

When I said super close, I meant that we weren't best friends. Her and I have been good friends in the past, but the 1 1/2 years, I've moved and she's had a baby, so we haven't had a lot of time to stay in touch on a constant basis. My only other choice, besides her is a girl I have known for less than a year. She is one of the gm's fiance, and I don't know if I should go ahead and ask her.

CTGirl30

Do you try to get in touch with her for non-wedding stuff or is every voice mail / message about the wedding? She may be tired of being bombarded with "Have you gotten the dress yet?" messages.  She's also got 3 kids so naturally her life is probably very hectic. Do you ever call her just to get together for lunch & catch up / see how her life is going? If it's all about your wedding she may be tuning you out. OR there may be a genuine reason she's putting off ordering the dress - other than being busy with her 3 kids - (financial, for example - did you ask her what her budget was before you picked out the dress? Did she tell you what her comfort range for cost was or did you just pick the dress and tell her to order it soon?)

Find out the absolutel last date the dress must be ordered from the shop. Give her that date and let it rest. If she she hasn't ordered the dress by the date the shop mandates, then she's pretty much removed herself from the WP since all the really have to do is get the agreed upon attire and be at the wedding.

But don't kick her out of the BP - that's pretty much a friendship ending move and the bride never comes out looking good in those instances. If she doesn't order the dress by the last date the shop gives then she's taking herself out of the equation. If that happens, don't replace her. That's insulting to both her and whomever you ask to step in (since that person will know they were "second best").

amadrierith

I can't ask her to lunch cause I live in NC for school and she is in VA. Whenever I am coming back to VA, I plan on asking if she wants to get together. I have called her just to see how things are going and she still doesn't get back to me. I have only left her 1 message on her machine and 1 on facebook about the dress. Every other call I haven't mentioned the dress so I wouldn't be bombarding her. I asked what her range was and even told her that because of her threee kids, I would be happy to pay for her dress. She insisted on paying for hers, so I thought finances weren't a problem.

hayleymajayley

You didn't HAVE to have another bridesmaid, you could have just left it with one MOH and one bridesmaid. Asking people just because you want to have even sides is stupid. If you aren't very close what's the point??

CTGirl30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e3a30c3-1a1b-468d-9bb5-5d5af99074e5Post:aedebb6a-1893-45f9-95cf-e33ad930b50e">Re: Bridesmaid Help</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't ask her to lunch cause I live in NC for school and she is in VA. Whenever I am coming back to VA, I plan on asking if she wants to get together. I have called her just to see how things are going and she still doesn't get back to me. I have only left her 1 message on her machine and 1 on facebook about the dress. Every other call I haven't mentioned the dress so I wouldn't be bombarding her. I asked what her range was and even told her that because of her threee kids, I would be happy to pay for her dress. She insisted on paying for hers, so I thought finances weren't a problem.
Posted by amadrierith[/QUOTE]

I'd leave one last message than with the last date (again, the date set by the shop) and leave it for her to follow up on. You did the right thing by asking ahead of time what her budget was and sounds like she's telling you she will pay for it herself so no need to micromanage. Your wedding is still 10 months out - whcih is pretty early to be ordering BM dresses anyway. To her, she may be thinking, "What's the rush? It's 10 months away"   Know what I mean?   Not everyone will share your sense of urgency or your preference for getting things done as you plan your wedding...just give her the date and let her handle it from there.

CA2MT4EveR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e3a30c3-1a1b-468d-9bb5-5d5af99074e5Post:e6cc5d4e-74bf-4cb7-bc74-0567cc3ea442">Re: Bridesmaid Help</a>:
[QUOTE]When I said super close, I meant that we weren't best friends. Her and I have been good friends in the past, <strong>but the 1 1/2 years, I've moved and she's had a baby, </strong>so we haven't had a lot of time to stay in touch on a constant basis. My only other choice, besides her is a girl I have known for less than a year. She is one of the gm's fiance, and I don't know if I should go ahead and ask her.
Posted by amadrierith[/QUOTE]

Give the girl a break, she is probably a little overwhelmed with her job and baby right now, and getting a dress is not the first on her priority list.  It may also slip her mind. DO NOT replace her.  It will ruin what friendship you have, and girl #2 will feel like a replacement.  "Hey, I want you to be a BM, now hurry go get your dress, deposit is already down" she will know.  And, you probably should not have picked your BP just yet.

mizri

I agree. You don't kick out a BM or replace her.  Your wedding is almost a year out.  Maybe, since she just had a baby, she's hoping to drop some more bay weight before ordering the dress?  Find out the last day to order from the shop, give that date to her, and let it go.  You don't have to have a certain number of attendants, I only have a MOH.  What matters is having those that are close to you, and if kinda sounds like she's not the one you would call at 3am if there was an emergency.

banana468

Honestly, I think you're overreacting.  She may have no idea what size she'll be in a year and it's actually really unreasonable of you to want dresses to be ordered a year out.

amadrierith

I know 10 months out is a long time to be looking at dresses. The only reason why I looked so early is because I am in school in another state. All this summer I am taking classes, and my break between summer and fall classes will consist of studying and taking my GRE's. I have a full load in the fall and won't be able to get home much to shop with the girls, not to mention everything else that needs to be done at some point like flowers and cake and all that stuff. I am not trying to a mean to my friend, which is why I initially wrote a message on here, I don't know what I am supposed to do in this situation. The two people I know who have been through this replaced their bridesmaids.

banana468

What you do is chill out.

Seriously.