Not inviting plus ones???

jessdayno

My fiance and I are both fairly young and we are the first people to get married in our generation. We are paying for the wedding ourselves and we are limiting it to first cousins and above only but our guest list is still 100 people! Half of our guest list are unmarried family members (cousins, etc). Is it rude to not invite plus ones? I am trying to have a really intimate wedding ceremony and I just don't feel like I should have to pay 50 bucks a person for someone I don't even know because they happen to be "the flavor of the week" for one of my cousins! Is this really rude? How do I get around it?

Also, I am worried that since 50% of our guests right now are 21-26 that are wedding will turn into a college party fast with an open bar and everyone will just get drunk and icky. How do I stop that from happening? HELP!

redheadfsu

If the person is dating someone* seriously (over 6 months), you need to invite their SO. Please remember to use the SO's name and not "and guest." But if they are single, they don't need to have a plus one.

You can't control how adults consume alcohol. Sorry.

ETA: Also it is nice to have extra room in your guest list for the people that get serious SOs during your planning. (and add) *edit.

ladyamanuet

To the plus one question - it is not rude to invite single people without a plus one if they are going to know people other than you.  Since they are your cousins, I think it is safe to say they'll know people.  It IS rude not to invite SO if they are a spouse, fiance, or if they live together or have been togehter a long time.  If they are an established couple, then the SO should be invited.  If it's just your cousins bringing someone to bring someone, you do not have to include a plus one (But since etiquette is over the heads of many young'ins, I'd make the RSVP card "we've reserved 1 seat in your honor, can you attend? or something like it - so they get the hint that no guest is invited). 

As to the drinking, have you considered just doing beer, wine, and a signature drink? It'll cut down on your costs, and without a host of hard liquor to choose from, it'll take longer for the reception to devolve into a frat party.  You could also let your bartenders know that you don't want anyone over served, and have your venue ont he look out for people who might get too rowdy.  Personally I want people to have an awesome time at my wedding, so I don't care if they get drunk and party as long as they aren't mean or rude.  But if that's not your style, then work with your venue and bartenders to nip it in the bud early.

ohwhynot

Why not just cut out the cousins entirely?  An intimate wedding can be just that - immediate family, grandparents, maybe aunts & uncles, and a few close friends.  I don't think adult cousins (particularly if there are 50 of them) = close family members. 

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-plus-ones?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e7b8947-3a98-45f3-8e22-07b1b7ab865cPost:66000b9c-d254-425b-8d3c-c4c4eb0976c6">Re: Not inviting plus ones???</a>:
[QUOTE]Why not just cut out the cousins entirely?  An intimate wedding can be just that - immediate family, grandparents, maybe aunts & uncles, and a few close friends. <strong> I don't think adult cousins (particularly if there are 50 of them) = close family members. </strong>
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]
I think it depends on the relationships.  Some cousins grow up close.  My cousin and I are very close.  

marissa_claire

We basically said that they had to have been dating for a while (yeah 6 mos. is reasonable) and for the most part the only ones we ended up inviting are people we've met and known.  In those instances we wrote the SO's name on the envelope too.  FI's dad was upset we didn't include plus ones on some of his cousins' invites, but I explained it to him and said we weren't going to write 'and guest' on anything, so unless it's someone who we know and it's not a flame of the week, then we aren't going to worry about it.  I mean most people are traveling to our wedding to, so it's like they would have to be sort of serious to think about traveling to a wedding together.

loop0406

I would only invite the CLOSEST family members and friends in this case and I'd allow the singles to have a date, regardless of the seriousness of relationship. Just because they haven't been together that long in your opinion, doesn't mean they don't consider their relationship serious. It's nice for people to have a dance partner, someone to ride up there with, etc.

[Deleted User]

I totally disagree that you cannot control how people consumer liquor.  This is a very serious issue (read life and DEATH).  Your caterer should be instructed NOT to serve anyone who is intoxicated.  Someone's insurance (caterer, reception hall, host or all of the above) are financially responsible should anyone have any accident as a result of alcohol consumed at your wedding.  Before my tasting even began with my caterer, we checked the issue of liquor liability and fortunately he had a no nonsense policy about serving anyone who has already had enough.  If this sounds fuddy duddy (OK, I'm a bit older than you), remember you want this to be one of the best day's of your life, not the day one of your guests died in an automobile accident on his/her way home.

preciosa4

Personally, I DO think that adults should be allowed a +1, regardless of seriousness or whether or not they know people.  (Many will not bring a guest anyway.)  There is nothing worse than being a single person at a wedding watching all of the couples dance to the romantic songs while you sit alone (with a pricey cocktail perhaps?)  I never brought a guest, but I know a lot of people who DID feel offended if they were not allowed one.  (Especially if their relationship is not "serious" enough for you.  Besides, do you REALLY know the romantic life details of EVERY guest?  This does get pricey though.... So....

Options:

1) Cut costs.  Do you really have to have $50 a head?  Is there a way to scale back the menu or choose a less pricey venue?  It may be less of your fantasy, but if it allows you to have everyone accomodated, it may be worth it.

2) Trim in other areas.  Are all of the other expenses necessary?  Take a close look.  Do you REALLY need a limo, for example, or can you decorate a friend's car?  Must you have favors? Do your own makeup instead of having it done professionally?  (Just examples.)

3) Trim the list.  If you can't afford a wedding for 100, can you trim it further to nearest and dearest? (Small and intimate may fit your budget better.)

4) Are there other ways for you to save?  A less extravagant honeymoon?  Cutting back for a while on your usual budget?


If all else fails... talk to your family about it and see what they think.  Whatever you do though, be uniform and not arbitrary.  (eg, why would a 6 month relationship make the cut, but not a 5 month?)  Perhaps married, engaged, or partnered, versus a time limit?

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-plus-ones?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e7b8947-3a98-45f3-8e22-07b1b7ab865cPost:e2072e58-b8d8-42f6-867a-09334b280196">Re: Not inviting plus ones???</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, I DO think that adults should be allowed a +1, regardless of seriousness or whether or not they know people.  (Many will not bring a guest anyway.)  There is nothing worse than being a single person at a wedding watching all of the couples dance to the romantic songs while you sit alone (with a pricey cocktail perhaps?)  I never brought a guest, but I know a lot of people who DID feel offended if they were not allowed one.  (Especially if their relationship is not "serious" enough for you.  Besides, do you REALLY know the romantic life details of EVERY guest?  This does get pricey though.... So.... Options: 1) Cut costs.  Do you really have to have $50 a head?  Is there a way to scale back the menu or choose a less pricey venue?  It may be less of your fantasy, but if it allows you to have everyone accomodated, it may be worth it. 2) Trim in other areas.  Are all of the other expenses necessary?  Take a close look.  Do you REALLY need a limo, for example, or can you decorate a friend's car?  Must you have favors? Do your own makeup instead of having it done professionally?  (Just examples.) 3) Trim the list.  If you can't afford a wedding for 100, can you trim it further to nearest and dearest? (Small and intimate may fit your budget better.) 4) Are there other ways for you to save?  A less extravagant honeymoon?  Cutting back for a while on your usual budget? If all else fails... talk to your family about it and see what they think.  Whatever you do though, be uniform and not arbitrary.  (eg, why would a 6 month relationship make the cut, but not a 5 month?)  Perhaps married, engaged, or partnered, versus a time limit?
Posted by preciosa4[/QUOTE]
I guess we'll have to agree to disagree with plus ones.  I don't think that single people who will know others there need a plus one.  <div>
</div><div>For example:  I rather invite my cousin instead of my single sister's date.  The cousin is family.  Odds are the date means nothing.  Years from now while looking at pictures, I'd be wondering who the hell that person is.</div><div>
</div><div>I agree that social units shouldn't be broken up.  If a friend or family member is casually dating someone, they're not a part of a social unit in my opinion.  </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

jessdayno

Ok, so a few more details might help:

We are not having a honeymoon, a limo, or really anything else at all. $50 pp (this includes tax and gratiutiy) is honestly the cheapest I could get without having a backyard wedding (and with my backyard that is pretty impossible). There is no excess fluff in the budget. I am making my own cake, my own centerpieces, etc. My dad is my photographer and a family friend is doing video.

The issue is both my fiance and I have very close families. Very close BIG families. Our cousins are like siblings. And A LOT of them are in relationships. Its not that we don't appreciate that they like the person, and want them there, its just impossible to afford another 50 people. I get along really well with a lot of the SO, but we just can't afford it. I had to tell a lot of my long time friends that I could not have them there. I just don't know what to do!

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-plus-ones?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e7b8947-3a98-45f3-8e22-07b1b7ab865cPost:8b467eef-156e-441e-9db6-199c22afce71">Re: Not inviting plus ones???</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so a few more details might help: We are not having a honeymoon, a limo, or really anything else at all. $50 pp (this includes tax and gratiutiy) is honestly the cheapest I could get without having a backyard wedding (and with my backyard that is pretty impossible). There is no excess fluff in the budget. I am making my own cake, my own centerpieces, etc. My dad is my photographer and a family friend is doing video. The issue is both my fiance and I have very close families. Very close BIG families. Our cousins are like siblings. And A LOT of them are in relationships. Its not that we don't appreciate that they like the person, and want them there, its just impossible to afford another 50 people. I get along really well with a lot of the SO, but we just can't afford it. I had to tell a lot of my long time friends that I could not have them there. <strong>I just don't know what to do!
</strong>Posted by jessdayno[/QUOTE]

Honestly, OP, there may be no easy answer. There probably isn't a way to invite all those people, follow proper etiquette, and not spend more money. It's unfortunate, but sometimes that is the way it works and you will need to make hard decisions.
But inviting plus-ones for guests who are married, engaged, and in serious relationships (think a few months or more) really should be considered a social unit and be invited together. You can't get around that without being just plain rude. If they won't know anybody at the wedding besides you, they should also have a plus one. Other than that, it isn't required to give plus ones to others.

Alexmom- Actually, the OP can't control the liquor if she's having an open bar. That's the job of the BARTENDER. And a good bartender will do exactly what you listed.