FMIL time bomb

msummerf

This isn't strickly etiquette, but I can't see anywhere else it could fit. I'm in a bit of a pickle.  My FMIL is ramping up her opposition to our wedding plans and now threatening not to show up because our plans "aren't good enough."  She doesn't like the fact that FI and I are making the decisions about the wedding or that we are doing a lot of DIY.  We are paying for this ourselves, and can't afford (nor do we want) anything fancy.  Last week she believed that my mom and I are making all sorts of wedding decisions together and excluding her.  This week, I'm controlling everything and not letting anyone else touch the wedding.  I honestly could care less about anything other than marrying her son - I didn't even pick out my own wedding dress!

FI is going to have it out with her on Saturday over the emotional abuse.  He's just unsure as to where to start or what to say to her.  She's already been told to back off by her mother but isn't listening.  Does anyone have any suggestions as to how he might approach this situation?

alixzafiris

Just tell her if she doesn't respect what you as a couple are deciding and paying for she's welcome to go see a movie that day instead. Simple.

mica178

Listen to alix.  She's smart.

alixzafiris

*thumbs up*

PsyDet 2155

I'd call her bluff and let her decide whether or not she wants to miss out on her son getting married over petty, aesthetic reasons.

pantherRN

Ditto alix.

meep2

Aside from what Alix said, he could also lay it on thick talking about how you've just been raving about how wonderful it is to have a fiance who realizes that the important part is the marriage, not the wedding, and how you keep saying how lucky you are that your FMIL raised such a great son. Get her in a position where she can't contradict him without openly going against the values she probably says are important

futuremrscoachj

Tell her if shes going to be that concerned about the superficial parts of the wedding, youd be happy to take her credit card to buy things that are more "up to par" for her such elegant taste.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-time-bomg?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ebd4daa-5d18-4789-bfcd-2fa4d6d53914Post:e911a727-f18b-472c-8de6-67a49b926937">Re: FMIL time bomg</a>:
[QUOTE]Just tell her if she doesn't respect what you as a couple are deciding and paying for she's welcome to go see a movie that day instead. Simple.
Posted by alixzafiris[/QUOTE]

Yep. With the wedding in August, she can go see HPandTDH 2.

kmmssg

Alix has you heading in the right direction for sure!

Tell FI to try something like this:  "Mom, we are planning what we want and can afford that treats our guests well.  I'm sorry that you do not agree with our choices, but they have been made and we are not going to making any changes.  I am disappointed that you are thinking of not attending the wedding.  You will be missed."  Period.  If she keeps trying to oppose the marriage or say that the wedding isn't good enough, he needs to come back with, "Mom, we've had that conversation and it is a closed topic."  If she keeps it up, he needs to leave or hang up the phone.  do that a few times and she will know where she stands.

FI needs to set firm boundaries with his mom and it needs to be the kind that aren't negotiable.  do this now, BEFORE children come along.  She will be a peach when that happens.

Milsey32

Your money for your wedding = your decision. Don't let something small stress you out... and as much as it would be upsetting that FMIL doesn't show, it'd be better that you stay happy/excited on your wedding day. That's such a bummer, though. I hope it all works out! [: 

slwager

This is assumably a women you will have to deal with the rest of your lives.  I agree with all the PPs but you FI might want to preface what he say with something like:

"I love you and it is important to me that we talk about all the conflict we've had because I care about our relationship"

That way he isn't starting attackign her for being awful.  but she does sound kind of awful.