Former roommate/best friend refuses to RSVP

starael

Hi everyone, I would really appreciate an outside perspective on this issue.

In college I became close to a girl, we'll call her Jane.  We lived together, went out all the time, shared great times, our ambitions, and opinions.  A few years have passed since graduation.  We still live in the same city and after graduation we used to go out every now and then. I would not bring FI along as I thought it was important to have some girl time bonding. She constantly cancelled on me, but then we'd go out once a month or so.  After I bcame engaged I wanted to ask Jane to be in my bridal party.  We made plans. She cancelled. We made plans again. She cancelled again.  She essentially completely blew me off. So I did not ask her to be a part of the brida party since she never gave me a chance to do so. 

I still sent her an invitation to the wedding since we used to be close.  The RSVP deadline passed a week ago. I sent her a polite e-mail  and she didn't respond.  Three days later I sent her a polite text asking about whether she was coming and she didn't respond.  To put this in context, this is a girl who lives on her phone.  She updates her facebook status a few times every day, and has done so since I have sent her the messages.  I know she is in touch with gmail and her phone.  The day I texted her she posted this very cynical article to her facebook wall: 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/evan-doherty/facebook-single-people-emotions_b_1813046.html

I am pretty sour on the whole situation at this point.  She has been a bad friend in the past (putting me in bad situations, etc.) and this is the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back." I kind of want to un-invite her but I think that would be rude and I would want to take the higher road.  From a practical standpoint, I just would like her to RSVP.  What would everyone do?

JoanE2012

If she hasn't responded and won't answer you, I'd mark her down as "no".

cbbgtownlovers

Well, sounds like she doesn't really have any intention of coming. Stop trying to contact her about it.  If she still hasn't responded by the time you need to give your final numbers to your vendors, count her as a not coming.  Anyone who doesn't RSVP can't expect to have a seat available for them the day of.  This would not be rude of you. 

daubachsgirl23

I think it's pretty safe to say she won't be attending your wedding. I'd consider her a "no" and stop trying to contact her about it.

DramaGeek

Send her one last message saying "I have to turn my numbers into the caterer by X date.  If I haven't heard from you by then, I'll assume you're not coming.  Hope to hear from you soon!"  Then if she doesn't respond, put her down as a no.

MobKaz

Text/email/voice mail her with this message, or something along these lines.....

Jane--RSVP's were due 7 days ago.  We must give our final count to the caterer Monday morning.  If I have not heard from you by then, I will assume you are not able to attend.  We will miss having you with us on our special day.

What this does is indicate to her that she will be marked as a "no", and no meal will be reserved for her.  If for any reason she were to show up, it leaves you conscience free as you forewarned her.  Also, making the venue "the bad guy" as to why you had to leave such a message takes some of the "hostility" off your shoulders.

Avion22

Try to contact her one last time, and try to actually CALL her.  I know that a lot of people live on text/email/facebook, but some people are still really bad at responding to messages that they receive while they're offline.  

If you get voicemail, then so be it.  Tell her as politely as you can that you would love to see her at your wedding, but understand if she can't make it.  Regardless, you need to know by X date.

Seriously, this is a girl who you almost asked to be in your bridal party, so you were obviously close once.  It sounds like maybe there's something else going on in her life.  Maybe you could invite her out for coffee and not talk about wedding stuff, just see what is up with her.  I would try not to read too much into her facebook posts...

cbbgtownlovers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_former-roommatebest-friend-refuses-to-rsvp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ed49486-e10f-419a-8fc3-91bae9ed49c6Post:6237e39f-b483-49fc-a1ba-52b7931dabd9">Re: Former roommate/best friend refuses to RSVP</a>:
[QUOTE]Send her one last message saying "I have to turn my numbers into the caterer by X date.  If I haven't heard from you by then, I'll assume you're not coming.  Hope to hear from you soon!"  Then if she doesn't respond, put her down as a no.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

This as well, before  counting her as a no.

AceTT

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_former-roommatebest-friend-refuses-to-rsvp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ed49486-e10f-419a-8fc3-91bae9ed49c6Post:6237e39f-b483-49fc-a1ba-52b7931dabd9">Re: Former roommate/best friend refuses to RSVP</a>:
[QUOTE]Send her one last message saying "I have to turn my numbers into the caterer by X date.  If I haven't heard from you by then, I'll assume you're not coming.  Hope to hear from you soon!"  Then if she doesn't respond, put her down as a no.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]


This.

Ali092011

I probably wouldn't contact her again. I feel like the invitation with RSVP card was the first attempt and the text message was the second attempt. I can't think of anything you could say in another text message that would make a reply more likely. I'm sorry, but it sounds to me like she has no intentions of coming to your wedding.

I would mark her down as a no, and if she shows up to the wedding (which I think is highly unlikely), quickly get the caterers/coordinator to find her a seat and a meal. Most caterers plan for this possibility and it shouldn't be a huge problem.

Then wait until after the wedding/honeymoon when you're more settled, and try to get in touch with her again (that is, if you want the friendship to continue). If she is upset about the whole wedding scenario, as that article she posted would indicate, she may be more likely to spend time with you once it's over.

Loopyseven

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_former-roommatebest-friend-refuses-to-rsvp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ed49486-e10f-419a-8fc3-91bae9ed49c6Post:cb46d448-f804-4a66-8f11-7bdd25d17d07">Re: Former roommate/best friend refuses to RSVP</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Try to contact her one last time, and try to actually CALL her.</strong>  I know that a lot of people live on text/email/facebook, but some people are still really bad at responding to messages that they receive while they're offline.   If you get voicemail, then so be it.  Tell her as politely as you can that you would love to see her at your wedding, but understand if she can't make it.  Regardless, you need to know by X date. Seriously, this is a girl who you almost asked to be in your bridal party, so you were obviously close once.  It sounds like maybe there's something else going on in her life.  Maybe you could invite her out for coffee and not talk about wedding stuff, just see what is up with her.  I would try not to read too much into her facebook posts...
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

<div>This... If you get a voice mail leave the "if I don't hear from you by x date, I'll assume you can't make it" message and move on.</div>

loca4pook

I am guessing her repeated ignoring of requests has given you the answer. She probably will not be there so I wouldn't sweat it.

Sorry this happened. Good friendships going sour always hurt.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_former-roommatebest-friend-refuses-to-rsvp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ed49486-e10f-419a-8fc3-91bae9ed49c6Post:6237e39f-b483-49fc-a1ba-52b7931dabd9">Re: Former roommate/best friend refuses to RSVP</a>:
[QUOTE]Send her one last message saying "I have to turn my numbers into the caterer by X date.  If I haven't heard from you by then, I'll assume you're not coming.  Hope to hear from you soon!"  Then if she doesn't respond, put her down as a no.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

Yes, do this. 

J&K10910

Ok, seriously, where did all this bad advice come from?  This is terrible.

Of course you CALL one more time.  YOu leave a message with a deadline and let her know what happens if you haven't heard from her.  Some people really are terrible at getting back to stuff, and if they know there is a deadline and a solid reason, it lights a fire under their butt.

With that said, it does sound like there is a good chance she won't be there, and that sucks.  It sounds like, for whatever reason, the friendship fizzled.  But for your own peace of mind, call one more time.

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_former-roommatebest-friend-refuses-to-rsvp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ed49486-e10f-419a-8fc3-91bae9ed49c6Post:185d0da2-eb2a-4fa8-beff-df8e2680527f">Re: Former roommate/best friend refuses to RSVP</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, seriously, where did all this bad advice come from?  This is terrible. Of course you CALL one more time.  YOu leave a message with a deadline and let her know what happens if you haven't heard from her.  Some people really are terrible at getting back to stuff, and if they know there is a deadline and a solid reason, it lights a fire under their butt. With that said, it does sound like there is a good chance she won't be there, and that sucks.  It sounds like, for whatever reason, the friendship fizzled.  But for your own peace of mind, call one more time.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

I didn't mean to give bad advice, I would just imagine that by adulthood, most people know how an RSVP works and know that they have to respond to one in a timely fashion. Even if she didn't know how the invitation/RSVP deal worked, I was working off of the assumption that when the OP e-mailed and then texted this woman, she stated that she needed to know whether or not she was attending. Sure, calling is a more direct way to communicate, but I also don't see the need to follow up <em>three times</em> unless you really aren't sure the person received the e-mail and text, and in this case the OP made it clear that her friend had. I just find it hard to believe that a complete lack of response to a written invitation, an e-mail, <em>and </em>a text message leaves any room for interpretation.

Of course you make an effort to track down those who have not RSVPed before the deadline, and if it gives OP peace of mind to try calling her friend, I don't think it's <em>wrong</em> per se, I just don't think it's absolutely unforgivable if she doesn't.