Sketchy groomsman

Thea519

The FI and I chose our wedding party several months ago. We asked 3 guys and 3 girls and they all graciously accepted. Since then, one of the GM has been very sketchy. First, he was really excited about being asked. Then, one night a few weeks ago, after copious amounts of alcohol, he told my best friend (and MOH) that he didn't even want to be in the wedding. 

Of course, we don't want to be a burden on anyone, and we definitely don't want anyone to be a part of our special day if they don't want to be there. So, FI casually brought up the wedding Saturday night when they were hanging out. He said "speaking of the wedding, are you still good with being a groomsman?" To which he responded "Of course, man! I'm just really low on cash lately." FI immediately offered to pay for his suit and he accepted.  

Well, last night, he called my FI and said he might not be able to be in the wedding because he might be out of town that weekend, but we'd just "play it by ear" because he should know a definitely answer "by the end of September."

Please know that I understand it's unacceptable to kick someone out of the wedding party. But, the wedding is in October and we're already on a tight budget. FI is NOT going to pay for a suit for someone who may or may not even be there and won't even be able to let us know until the end of September. 

Any ideas on how to address this issue?

emilyinchile

Suits can be chosen like 2 weeks in advance, can't they? So you'd be fine waiting until the end of September.

Sing2phins

I would have FI talk to him and tell him that you all need a more definite committment than "he'll let you know by the end of September" for planning and budgeting purposes.  Have FI explain that if he's not comfortable committing now for whatever reason, you understand, but the planning will go forward without him.

redheadfsu

When it comes time to pay for the suit, then ask about his plans again.  Don't mention it until then.

MyNameIsNot

Wait until he commits to buy the suit.  Guys don't have to order them and have extensive alterations.  He could realistically go to the store on Monday and have the suit ready to go, with tailoring, by Thursday.  

Other than that, your only other expensive for him should be a bout, which would only be about $10.  If he drops out, stick it on your grandpa or somebody.  NBD.  

MattsPenguin

"I might be out of town that weekend."  For what?  That sounds pretty lame and like maybe he doesn't want to do it.

Yeah, you can probably wait until a month before for him to get measured and pay for the suit.  And I believe that you don't even pay the balance of the suit until you pick it up.  Listen to the Redhead.  Just wait until it's time to get measured, then talk about it again.

ETA: My comment on paying when you pick it up refers to a rental. I don't know about buying a suit though.

Thea519

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sketchy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7f743125-d5db-451c-8f5f-f2b60513716aPost:7fa92a2b-b1a7-494f-9b15-c668f2fb7706">Re: Sketchy groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE]Suits can be chosen like 2 weeks in advance, can't they? So you'd be fine waiting until the end of September.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]
True, but it's kind of unnerving to wait that late. And like Sing said, we'd like to know ahead of time so we could budget appropriately. We can use that money elsewhere if he's not going to be able to make it. 

Sing2phins

I hear all this advice just to wait and see, but seriously, would any of you honestly be comfortable waiting until 2 weeks before your wedding to finalize your wedding party?  I wouldn't be, and I'm totally not one to freak out about things. 

Thea519

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sketchy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7f743125-d5db-451c-8f5f-f2b60513716aPost:c1608dd7-2868-46b3-b283-e19538c1a3cb">Re: Sketchy groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>"I might be out of town that weekend."  For what?  That sounds pretty lame and like maybe he doesn't want to do it.</strong> Yeah, you can probably wait until a month before for him to get measured and pay for the suit.  And I believe that you don't even pay the balance of the suit until you pick it up.  Listen to the Redhead.  Just wait until it's time to get measured, then talk about it again. ETA: My comment on paying when you pick it up refers to a rental. I don't know about buying a suit though.
Posted by MattsPenguin[/QUOTE]

<div>EXACTLY! I think that's really why it's bothering me so much. FI even gave him an out by asking if he was sure about doing it and he was all like "OF COURSE!" Ugh. Sketch. </div>

MattsPenguin

I guess I'm just trying to say that it is possible.

But truly, I don't understand how someone cannot decide if they are going to be in town or not to be a groomsman.  Aren't these supposed to be your best friends?  As guests, fine they have a while to decide, but a groomsman? 

Still waiting on his reason for being out of town.  (like possible required work something or other or big family obligation?)

ETA: Oh apparently no actual reason was given.  I call LAME!! (with a capital L!)

xyrius

I would not wait until 2 weeks before.

Personally, where we rented the suits, my FI and groomsmen were told to go minimum three months before the wedding - so "wait and see" wouldn't have worked for us.

Check with your tux rental place when the latest possible date you need to order the tuxes would be.  Then let your groomsmen know that you need to know for sure by that date, or else you will have to plan without him.

I don't think it's fair to have to wait either, for budgetary concerns, etc.  Two weeks notice is a bit ridiculous in my opinion.

Thea519

He said it was "work related" but didn't give any specifics. I just wish he'd be honest with us. If he doesn't want to do it- fine. If he doesn't have the money- fine. If he doesn't want us to have to pay for the suit- fine. Just be honest!

aragx6

I don't really buy that you're concerned about budgeting; you're really just annoyed with him.

your FI picked him because he wanted him to stand up with him as he got married -- that hasn't changed even if you don't think this GM is thinking about your wedding with the necessary gravitas.

I would, for now, assume he's in the wedding and ask him about it again in say August and see what his thoughts are on it.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sketchy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7f743125-d5db-451c-8f5f-f2b60513716aPost:55a939ab-77f1-416b-84e0-04d457baa3ef">Re: Sketchy groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE]He said it was "work related" but didn't give any specifics. I just wish he'd be honest with us. If he doesn't want to do it- fine. If he doesn't have the money- fine. If he doesn't want us to have to pay for the suit- fine. Just be honest!
Posted by Thea519[/QUOTE]

Well he could be telling the truth. It could be work related. Unless you work with him, why should he give you specifics other than work. Just relax.

You can ask him in July or August again. But this is April, so relax. Plus, how expensive is this suit, that you need to know for your budget now?

Thea519

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sketchy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7f743125-d5db-451c-8f5f-f2b60513716aPost:7f28b14b-1ff2-4eab-ba2d-ccc042111ef4">Re: Sketchy groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't really buy that you're concerned about budgeting; you're really just annoyed with him. your FI picked him because he wanted him to stand up with him as he got married -- that hasn't changed even if you don't think this GM is thinking about your wedding with the necessary gravitas. I would, for now, assume he's in the wedding and ask him about it again in say August and see what his thoughts are on it.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]
You're right, I AM annoyed with him. But I'm also concerned about budgeting. I'm also concerned about whether or not we could get the suit in on time if he decides he does want to take part. I'm also concerned about maintaining a friendship with him regardless of what happens with the wedding... We've been more than understanding about his situation and I think he owes us honesty and a certain amount of respect- not as the bride and groom, but as his friends.  

mica178

I know that you're annoyed at him, but really, it's your FI's decision to keep him in the WP or not.  As has been mentioned here before, kicking a person out of the WP can be a friendship-ending move, so really, it's all your FI's call.

You aren't getting married until October, right?  You can get just about any suit or tux within 2 months.  I'd wait until closer to the wedding and have your FI talk with him.  Until then, focus on wedding planning details that you can control.  

Happy planning.

jessicabessica

I would find out when the deadline to order suits is, and then talk to him as the deadline approaches about his thoughts about being in the wedding party.  Remember, it's not either he's a groomsman or nothing--he could still attend as a guest if he ended up being available--but that should be his decision so your FI isn't kicking him out. 

Sharkdiver1980

I think Thea is totally in the right to be annoyed...I am one of the most laid back people when it has come to all of this wedding planning business, and I would not be OK with waiting until 2 weeks before the wedding...that's a bit rediculous. Especially since they've offered to pay for his WP related expenses, there's no reason someone shouldn't be able to commit in an adequate amount of time.

One of my Bridesmaids backed out of the WP, but it was because she had just found she was pregnant, and will be due, like 2 weeks before the wedding, and she lives out of state...so she can't fly. It was her decision, but I'm glad she told me sooner and not waited , because for the sake of keeping the WP evenly matched, I asked another friend to step in, after she bowed out.

If this guy decided he didn't want to be a part of it, for whatever reason, he should let them know so they can make the proper arrangements. It's not fair to them.

Thea519

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sketchy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7f743125-d5db-451c-8f5f-f2b60513716aPost:2a4add52-0287-46be-b804-30c2fd3829e9">Re: Sketchy groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE]I think Thea is totally in the right to be annoyed...I am one of the most laid back people when it has come to all of this wedding planning business, and I would not be OK with waiting until 2 weeks before the wedding...that's a bit rediculous. Especially since they've offered to pay for his WP related expenses, there's no reason someone shouldn't be able to commit in an adequate amount of time. One of my Bridesmaids backed out of the WP, but it was because she had just found she was pregnant, and will be due, like 2 weeks before the wedding, and she lives out of state...so she can't fly. It was her decision, but I'm glad she told me sooner and not waited , because for the sake of keeping the WP evenly matched, I asked another friend to step in, after she bowed out. If this guy decided he didn't want to be a part of it, for whatever reason, he should let them know so they can make the proper arrangements. It's not fair to them.
Posted by Sharkdiver1980[/QUOTE]
Thanks for the support. I feel like I'm a pretty laid back bride, as well. As I said before, I just want him to be honest with us, and I definitely get the feeling that he's not. <div>
</div><div>Also, just to clarify, we're TOTALLY okay with him just attending as a guest. We'd just like to know ahead of time if that's the case :)</div>

Meg1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sketchy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7f743125-d5db-451c-8f5f-f2b60513716aPost:3016e93c-fc02-45ab-82ff-ec0bc9926901">Re: Sketchy groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE]I would not wait until 2 weeks before. Personally, where we rented the suits, my FI and groomsmen were told to go minimum three months before the wedding - so "wait and see" wouldn't have worked for us. Check with your tux rental place when the latest possible date you need to order the tuxes would be.  Then let your groomsmen know that you need to know for sure by that date, or else you will have to plan without him. I don't think it's fair to have to wait either, for budgetary concerns, etc.  Two weeks notice is a bit ridiculous in my opinion.
Posted by xyrius[/QUOTE]

Yeah, this was the same where we got our suits.  They needed confirmation a month in advance and the final payment had to come that week (that was as close as they went).  I'm certainly glad my H's dad went early because his fit was not good and needed a different size.  I wouldn't wait. 

polichik

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sketchy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7f743125-d5db-451c-8f5f-f2b60513716aPost:2a4add52-0287-46be-b804-30c2fd3829e9">Re: Sketchy groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE]I think Thea is totally in the right to be annoyed...I am one of the most laid back people when it has come to all of this wedding planning business, and I would not be OK with waiting until 2 weeks before the wedding...that's a bit rediculous. Especially since they've offered to pay for his WP related expenses, there's no reason someone shouldn't be able to commit in an adequate amount of time. One of my Bridesmaids backed out of the WP, but it was because she had just found she was pregnant, and will be due, like 2 weeks before the wedding, and she lives out of state...so she can't fly. It was her decision, but <strong>I'm glad she told me sooner and not waited , because for the sake of keeping the WP evenly matched, I asked another friend to step in, after she bowed out.</strong> If this guy decided he didn't want to be a part of it, for whatever reason, he should let them know so they can make the proper arrangements. It's not fair to them.
Posted by Sharkdiver1980[/QUOTE]

Are you serious? You actually "replaced" her, just to make sure that you have even sides? How the heck is the second-tier BM supposed to feel about not being good enough to have been asked originally? I'm sorry, but that's just really thoughtless.

JanoBean75

FWIW, the place we rented our tuxes at needed all measurements and deposits by mid-June for our mid-September wedding. I totally understand OP's concern here. Not every place has suits on the rack.

I'd be VERY irritated if someone told me they "might be going out of town" and wouldn't commit to anything. I was not a bridezilla about anything, but this would upset me.

NuggetBrain

Yeah I'mma have to side with OP on this one.  I'd be royally irritated if a BP member said they didn't even want to be in it, then said they did, then said they weren't sure, but we'd "play it by ear".  I'm sorry, I'm not going to plan my wedding by ear.  This isn't a night out at the bar, douchebag.  The end of September is realisticaly not going to give him a lot of time to get measured and fitted for the suit.  He'll probably have to pay an increased rush fee.  Not to mention the fact that if it's wrong, he's just SOL.  I know for ours we had to have the measurements and orders in a month and a half before the wedding date, at the VERY latest.

Sharkdiver1980

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sketchy-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7f743125-d5db-451c-8f5f-f2b60513716aPost:f42aaf34-07cf-4c6c-992b-6429b540f10c">Re: Sketchy groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sketchy groomsman : Are you serious? You actually "replaced" her, just to make sure that you have even sides? How the heck is the second-tier BM supposed to feel about not being good enough to have been asked originally? I'm sorry, but that's just really thoughtless.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]


No, It's not. The person I asked to step in, I was also considering asking in addition, but I didn't want her to feel out of place, as she is MUCH older than the rest (I'm 30, she's 50). She is a very good friend however. She was excitied to be a part of it...and it wasn't that long between when I asked the other girls. It fell into place, and she wasn't offended at all...she was happy in fact. If I thought she would have been, I would not have done it. My FI also didn't want to have 2 of his GM paired with one of my BM. It wasn't like a decision I made on my own, out of the blue. Everyone is happy.  

midgetthemighty

I agree with the OP on this one as well. He is being very sketchy. I would want honesty and commitment one way or the other from him sooner than September also. Something that no one else has mentioned is the programs for the wedding. Obviously these don't need to be done now, but I don't know when you were planning on making those. You would need to know if he was a part of it before printing those as well.

dsnoopychick

Sounds like this gm is definitely not married, engaged, or currently involved with anyone right now. He obviously does not know the time, energy, and money that goes into planning a wedding. I would ask my FI to sit him down and let him know how you guys feel. just tell the gm that the two of you would love for him to be in the wedding, but you're going to need a commitment from him. If he can't make the comm. then you guys completely understand but you need to ask someone else. If this guy suddenly can't come and let's you know at the end of Sept. then you have 1 month to find a new gm. That could be a burden on another close friend. Or you run the risk of having you sides uneven. If he's a good friend he'll understand.