Fiance's Parent's Are Broke

emricmacy

Well my fiance's parents are broke, they really don't have much money, and are not contribution anthing to our wedding (which I'm completely fine with). I feel bad most of the burden is on my parents. The rehearsel dinner will be around $400.00, and my fiance's parent's can't pay anything, but feel that they have to be included in everything.

I love them dearly, just feel like they want to be a part of everything and be the center stange, and they aren't helping much..

Any way of me not feeling like this, or is this normal?

OliveOilsMom

<p>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-parents-are-broke?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ff24bad-bc22-4580-9a3b-13332bc55185Post:2c7dece7-9c24-4beb-acc8-7fee1c51b004">Fiance's Parent's Are Broke</a>:
[QUOTE]Well my fiance's parents are broke, they really don't have much money, and are not contribution anthing to our wedding (which I'm completely fine with). I feel bad most of the burden is on my parents. The rehearsel dinner will be around $400.00, and my fiance's parent's can't pay anything, but feel that they have to be included in everything. I love them dearly, just feel like they want to be a part of everything and be the center stange, and they aren't helping much.. Any way of me not feeling like this, or is this normal?
Posted by emricmacy[/QUOTE]

My MIL did not have any funds to help pay for the wedding, I did not hold this against my MIL. 

If you feel so bad that the burden to pay is on your parents, then I suggest you begin saving money to assist your parents in paying for the wedding.  Many brides and grooms pay for their own weddings now.

ETA: The OP's quote.</p>

[Deleted User]

See if they can help you with things that aren't financial but will help save you time like helping you stuff envelopes or making favors or something else that will help you save time.

daubachsgirl23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-parents-are-broke?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ff24bad-bc22-4580-9a3b-13332bc55185Post:b15be743-ee34-4532-bd6a-476a410fd4a7">Re: Fiance's Parent's Are Broke</a>:
[QUOTE]What do you mean included on everything?  Invited to RD?  Or course.  Not certain what you mean by center stage.  They get the first row on their side at ceremony, and if you are going to announce your parents at reception, you should announe theirs.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

All of this.  Also, as PP suggested, if you're feeling guilty about the amount of money being shouldered by your parents, you and your FI can always offer to contribute.

emricmacy

Future MIL is expecting to pick the restaurant for the RD, and expects to invite all the little children in the family, and tends to make everything about them! Just not sure how to calm her down a bit. She's very nice and I love her dearly.

lyndausvi

Why do you feel like they want to be center stage? 

My MIL couldn't afford to help out either.  No big deal.  We just paid the 'traditional' groom's family stuff while my parents paid the rest.  I still kept my MIL involved.  I asked if there were any traditions that their side of the family might have we should do, type of food or booze they might enjoy.   She really didn't have much to contribute, but I thought as the MOG I should ask.  She is pretty reasonable person and not very pushy.

emricmacy

Yes, my fiance and I are contributing as much as we can. I think my mom feels threatened a bit because fiance's mom is trying to butt in with certain things.

AddieCake

Your fiance needs to explain to her that since they are not contributing, their say in how the show is run is very, very limited. 

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-parents-are-broke?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ff24bad-bc22-4580-9a3b-13332bc55185Post:89b6f116-4087-45a0-96c2-297d4274cc7d">Re: Fiance's Parent's Are Broke</a>:
[QUOTE]Your fiance needs to explain to her that since they are not contributing, their say in how the show is run is very, very limited. 
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

this!  He needs to talk to his parents and explain that they are working on the budget with your parents, and because of that, the two of you, with input from your parents, will be deciding on the location and guest list, and that you cannot afford to invite everyone to the RD. 

s-aries8990

HE need to tell them "no pay, no say" (in more eloquent and tender words). You really shouldn't be saying too much to FMIL because it's your FI's family, KWIM?

If they want to pay for the RD, they can say where it is, but if they don't want to/ can't pony up the mony for it, they don't get a choice.

emricmacy

Who is invited to RD? some have wives/boyfriends, who is invited?

Carson386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-parents-are-broke?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ff24bad-bc22-4580-9a3b-13332bc55185Post:89b6f116-4087-45a0-96c2-297d4274cc7d">Re: Fiance's Parent's Are Broke</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Your fiance needs to explain to her that since they are not contributing, their say in how the show is run is very, very limited</strong>. 
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

Exactly this. They don't get to pick the RD location. As for the kids-  kids don't have to be invited to anything. WHat does your FI think about the little kids being invited? Since we are paying and my parents are contributing, we decided on no children other than kids in the WP. It was easier for us since it would have been almost 50 extra people.

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-parents-are-broke?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ff24bad-bc22-4580-9a3b-13332bc55185Post:9cce2fa1-fb62-4c07-a659-63b01d134d54">Re: Fiance's Parent's Are Broke</a>:
[QUOTE]Who is invited to RD? some have wives/boyfriends, who is invited?
Posted by emricmacy[/QUOTE]

Usually its the couple, both sets of parents (and any SO's), the WP & their SO's, and if not already covered, the couple's siblings & their SO's along with the officiant, their SO, and any vendors you will use during the rehersal.

Sometimes OOT guests and grandparents are included as well, but that is based on money, family dynamics, size of guest list for the day of, and size of WP.

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-parents-are-broke?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ff24bad-bc22-4580-9a3b-13332bc55185Post:9cce2fa1-fb62-4c07-a659-63b01d134d54">Re: Fiance's Parent's Are Broke</a>:
[QUOTE]Who is invited to RD? some have wives/boyfriends, who is invited?
Posted by emricmacy[/QUOTE]

<div>Anyone who needs to be at the rehearsal, plus their significant others.  I would also invite immediate family (parents, siblings, grandparents), even if they are not part of the rehearsal.  </div><div>
</div><div>Some people invite out of town guests as well or have a larger event, but it's not necessary. </div>

hordol

I had a similar situation--my fiance told me he didn't want to ask his parents for money because he knows things are tight for them, and I was fine with that (things are tight with my parents, too, but my mom got a job to help out.) I was planning on splitting the cost 50/50 with my parents, but then my future in laws took my FI aside alone for lunch one day to put in a list of requests after they found out I wasn't going to be doing a few things they thought necessary (like save the dates, since our engagement isn't that long anyway I wanted to skip them to save $200 but they insisted....can you tell I'm still a little bitter? hah)

Anyway, overtime I just realized that yes, it's annoying but they were just so excited for the wedding that they wanted to make sure that as many of their family and friends could attend as possible and now they're pulling their weight in other ways, like helping with decorations and such. They also are hoping to get decent tax returns to make a last minute contribution. Long story aside, my point is that your FI should talk to his mom about what she CAN contribute, even if it's not monetary. Has he had a money conversation with her at all or is he just assuming? Have him present the RD costs to her with the kids and without the kids--since money is tight, she will definitely see the value in the $$ it saves to have the smaller guest list. If it is really important that she has all the kids there, have your FI ask her for some ideas as to where to get the extra money. I'm sure her situation is similar to my future in laws--she's just excited and wants everyone involved. If she's not running the numbers (like you and your parents are probably doing very often to keep the budget in check) she probably doesn't realize exactly how expensive it really is.

emricmacy

My fiance is very welcome to having children be there, but I don't want them there except for my sister's child.

So if my BM's have a bf, they are invited also?

StephJean83

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-parents-are-broke?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ff24bad-bc22-4580-9a3b-13332bc55185Post:9cce2fa1-fb62-4c07-a659-63b01d134d54">Re: Fiance's Parent's Are Broke</a>:
[QUOTE]Who is invited to RD? some have wives/boyfriends, who is invited?
Posted by emricmacy[/QUOTE]

RD are for people at the rehearsal including all SO of the WP, readers, singers, officant. So if MOH is married but the BM just has a GF, both the husband of the MOH and GF of BM need to be invited.

Remember RD can be done very easily like pizza, soda and beer at someone's house or you can have it at resturant. My older sister's ILs had apps and drinks at their house for her RD and my younger sister did pizza, soda and beer at the reception venue as we were decorating it for the reception.

LDubHawksFan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-parents-are-broke?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ff24bad-bc22-4580-9a3b-13332bc55185Post:49da636d-776c-4867-aa9b-6634f2d9676f">Re: Fiance's Parent's Are Broke</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance is very welcome to having children be there, but I don't want them there except for my sister's child. So if my BM's have a bf, they are invited also?
Posted by emricmacy[/QUOTE]


With kids, it's very easy to get around a no kid rule with family members.  But it needs to be all or nothing (if you have several nieces and nephews which it sounded like from the first post).

For the RD, yes, if your WP have a bf/gf/wife/husband they have to be included.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-parents-are-broke?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ff24bad-bc22-4580-9a3b-13332bc55185Post:49da636d-776c-4867-aa9b-6634f2d9676f">Re: Fiance's Parent's Are Broke</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance is very welcome to having children be there, but I don't want them there except for my sister's child. So if my BM's have a bf, they are invited also?
Posted by emricmacy[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Are there any other nieces and nephews around?</div>

emricmacy

One neice, who is the flower girl. 2 Nephews, but they will be 6 months old.

lyndausvi

i'm assuming the flower girl is invited.  So who are these other kids your FI wants?

emricmacy

One of the groomsman has 2 children, one 6 months, other 5
the other groomsman also has 2 very badly behaved kids

lyndausvi

Personally, I would not invite them.  But if your DH really insists it's not a hill I would die on either.   

Athough if they are invited to the wedding it would be strange not to invite them to RD.

Jen4948

It's a trade-off: if you want a say, you have to pay.  If you're not going to contribute financially, you don't get to contribute in terms of decision-making.

Wedding party members, immediate family members, and sometimes grandparents or out-of-town guests attend the rehearsal dinner along with their SOs, but the decision to have a rehearsal dinner is up to the couple and whoever's paying.  It doesn't have to be hosted by the parents of the groom.  Children in the wedding party don't usually attend, but can.

HollynBrad4414

Perhaps so she feels like she is contibuting she could help cook food or host it in her home.

Or if not, maybe she can help with some DIY projects so she still feels included. 

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-parents-are-broke?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ff24bad-bc22-4580-9a3b-13332bc55185Post:8dc88452-197a-4b6a-a15f-8d2a243cab30">Re: Fiance's Parent's Are Broke</a>:
[QUOTE]Perhaps so she feels like she is contibuting she could help cook food or host it in her home. Or if not, maybe she can help with some DIY projects so she still feels included. 
Posted by HollynBrad4414[/QUOTE]

This.

Calypso1977

you really shouldnt be burdening your parents either.  pay for your own wedding.

Pookieson

We are hosting our own wedding with contributions from all sides of our families, but we are taking the brunt of it.  None of my family has been pushy about anything though.  I would have FI talk to mom and explain kids really aren't and option, if FI wants them there and the whole extended family....do pizza.  I wouldn't have two receptions if you know what I mean.  Also, I don't thinkOP is "burdening" her parents, it sounds like they offered to pay, I don't think she's demanding anyone to pitch in.  She said they are contributing from what I understand.

emricmacy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-parents-are-broke?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ff24bad-bc22-4580-9a3b-13332bc55185Post:556583bd-4c57-4b69-a78a-d21e24c23805">Re: Fiance's Parent's Are Broke</a>:
[QUOTE]you really shouldnt be burdening your parents either.  pay for your own wedding.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

So caypso, you believe ANYONE who's parents pay for their wedding is burdening them? Wow.
Also, you do not know my situation.