Should I be bummed? Do my feelings even count?

PharmacyBride

My sister got engaged in July of last year and immediately asked me to make her wedding montage video of pictures.  She booked the venue.. knew her guest list and she was still raving about wanting one.  So after hours of work of hunting for pictures, scanning, and editing the video (she didn't even help by providing a stack of 25 photos for each part of the video).  The video was above the expectations of what she expected.  It made her cry (and all the mom's) and from a critic's perspective.. it had good music, transitions, ken-burn's zooming, length of each pic.. etc. 

So flash forward.  For some reason the video isn't being used at the reception. I found out through the grapevine that the video would be used for the RD and they would just play pictures (without music) on a monitor on the guestbook table (which is a little annoying, because I told her that is what I am doing at my wedding, 8 weeks after hers, because I didn't want something everyone was forced to watch)

The main reason I am hurt is because I was asked to do something for the wedding and after hours of time and work, it was decided not to be used.  My sister never bothered to call me and tell me how sorry she was about it and when I tried to tell her how bummed out I was she exploded at me and basically had a bridezilla "all about me" moment (because with 3 weeks before the wedding... she is the only one with opinions/feelings that matter).

Should I be hurt?  I had an emotional attachment to it because of my time and effort and was looking forward to seeing everyone's reaction to it.  I guess I just feel she should have called me and told me directly it wasn't being used and why (still don't know the actual reason).

danieliza1127

Well, the first thing that stuck out to me is you telling her that you aren't having one because you don't want something your guests are forced to watch.  So maybe you saying that made her rethink using the one you made for her.  Maybe she realized you were right, or maybe she was hurt that that's how you feel about the montage.

I think you can be bummed and disappointed that it won't be shown at the reception, sure.  Feel how you feel.  However, it was something you did for her to use and now she's using it how she sees fit.  It's her wedding.  I think you need to get over it and not make her feel bad about it.

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-bummed-feelings-even-count?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8030620e-b3b6-429d-b4e8-f96369f9838aPost:c248c9d8-1e8d-40f2-a7ff-d265ae3f6d75">Re: Should I be bummed? Do my feelings even count?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, the first thing that stuck out to me is you telling her that you aren't having one because you don't want something your guests are forced to watch.  So maybe you saying that made her rethink using the one you made for her.  Maybe she realized you were right, or maybe she was hurt that that's how you feel about the montage. I think you can be bummed and disappointed that it won't be shown at the reception, sure.  Feel how you feel.  However, it was something you did for her to use and now she's using it how she sees fit.  It's her wedding.  I think you need to get over it and not make her feel bad about it.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]
 Agree.

L-Bride

I'm sorry. I think you're upset bc your sister never called to tell you this. When you hear something like that through the grapevine it feels as though she didn't care enough about it to make an issue to address directly to you. That comes off as entitled and bitchy on her end (even though she may have meant to call but it's slipped her mind). She most likely lost her temper on you because she's stressed. It's no excuse but try not to take it personally right now.
Also, having weddings 8 weeks apart isn't a huge deal  but with it being that close there can be heightened territorial instincts when coming to wedding ideas. So her doing the same guest book idea as what you're doing may be a little too close to home when you put in a ton of time on a project for her that was supposed to be different than yours.
All I can say is that just let it go. People will still enjoy the slide show.

Stackeye210

Yes, what Dani said.  And also, I'm sure the people you really care about seeing the video are the people that will be at the rehearsal dinner anyhow.  It's obvious by her reaction that she loves it, but there's something that has stuck in her head that it isn't appropriate to use it at the reception.  That voice could be yours, you can't be mad she's not playing something at the reception that you have already said that you wouldn't want people to sit through at yours.  It doesn't work both ways just because it was something you worked on. 

PharmacyBride

Well I said why I didn't want one for months and months and when my parents were bummed about not having baby pictures at mine.. I found alternatives (I am also doing table years with baby pics there).  She just changed her mind last week after consistently saying she wanted it.  She said her venue said there was no room.. but it seats 320, her guest count is 260 and the venue knew about the video the whole time.  Even if she did change her mind about wanting it.. I am not a vendor who got paid.. I am a sister who did it for free - I kind of feel it is rude to just cast it aside now.

Honestly, I don't care if our weddings have similarities.  I am only upset about her using my idea because she decided to change her mind after I did the work.

If there is a good reason it isn't being used- that is fine.. I just feel I should have been contacted and apologized to.

I guess the RD makes sense.. but I just feel like it is something thrown together the day before the big event.  If I knew it was just the RD-- I wouldn't have been so excited about the video- I guess it is about disappointment.

As far as personalities- I am not trying to make her feel bad or feel I have a say in her wedding... she just has the "it's all about me personality" and since she is so charismatic she gets away with it cuz it comes across as cute or whatever.  I just feel I have been walked all over by her.. maybe this was the last straw.  Maybe all I want is to be appreciated/noticed by her.

danieliza1127

It sounds like this is about a lot more than just a video montage.

PharmacyBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-bummed-feelings-even-count?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8030620e-b3b6-429d-b4e8-f96369f9838aPost:6ea4094e-40dd-43ff-a97e-68d82e25286e">Re: Should I be bummed? Do my feelings even count?</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like this is about a lot more than just a video montage.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

<div>Well of course there are other things going on when it involves family.  But if you did something for someone's wedding and they weren't at all appreciative of it.. you would be pissed to.. wouldn't you?</div>

danieliza1127

I already said that I think you can be bummed and disappointed that it won't be shown at the reception, sure.  Feel how you feel.   I'm not sure what else you're looking for us to say. 

L-Bride

I'm not going to lie I would be pissed but she's still using it right? The music part won't be used but the most important part will be (the pictures). Why don't you use the music part for your slide show 8 weeks later?

ohwhynot

But she IS using it at the wedding, right?  She's showing the whole thing, music and all, to the people who, quite frankly, will care about it the most.  At the wedding reception, where there are an extra 210 people, it is most appropriate to have the pictures playing in the background where people can choose to stop and watch it, or not. 

I ditto that this must be about more than the wedding montage. 

PharmacyBride

I mostly needed to vent.

I just feel you shouldn't ask people to do things for you and then after it is all said and done change your mind.  You can turn down vendors after the fact- that is what deposits are for- but it just seems like a shitty thing to do to someone you care about who does it for free.

The RD location doesn't have the equipment to set up for it so I picture a few people standing around a laptop.. so it really isn't the same thing as it being played at the reception.

I just can't imagine doing this to anyone who helped me with my wedding stuff!

(And the part about the history is just that she can be a bit of a spoiled brat.. she just seemed to blossom after college.. so I just thought she was past all that and was acting like an adult.  I just feel like I am in an episode of bridezillas and everyone around me is wondering why I bothered to help in the first place- like I should have known better! which sucks because I always envisioned helping my sister with her wedding and I have already done so much between the shower, invites, bachelorette party, programs, etc)

Theresa626

Honestly, I understand how you feel and it does suck that you put time into it and she's not using it how you wanted.  However,  she does have the right to change her mind and honestly, you might've been the person that changed her mind.  Perhaps telling her that people might not want to watch it, etc, made her decide to do it the other way.  You're going to have to let it go at this point because she does get to have her wedding the way she wants it and she has a right to change her mind.  However, you might want to write in her card I hope you enjoyed the video slide show as your wedding gift from me or something like that....