Bridesmaid jumped the gun...now what?

mvance3

Here's the situation in a nutshell...

I narrowed the bridesmaids dress down to one that my sister/maid of honor and I really liked in the color I wanted.  There was a rumor at the bridal shop that this color MIGHT be getting discontinued at some point during the year.  Keeping this in mind, I told the rest of the bridesmaids to just try on the dress and view the color to make sure everyone felt comfortable and pretty in what I had picked.  I specifically told them NOT to purchase the dress yet.  Since I have a couple of out of state bridesmaids and everyone has different body shapes and skin tones, I wanted to make sure it worked for everyone before anything was purchased.  Not to mention, with the color potentially going out before the wedding, I wanted to make sure that wouldn't happen before all other wedding accessories were purchased so everything could coordinate.  

So a couple of weeks ago, I get a call from one of the out of state bridesmaids and she tells me that she already bought the dress because she liked it so much.  Much to my dismay, I have just found out that the dress in that color is now available in store only and not able to be ordered. So basically, my other bridesmaids are out of luck because when I went to the store that was a color that was sparse on the racks...I was planning to order whichever dress we chose.  

Now I'm stuck with a dilemma...what to do about the dresses.  My sister and future sister in law are both 15 and will be in the wedding party...which we all know how much bodies can change at that age, so I can't just buy all their dresses now.  I could have everyone in a different color (like the bridesmaid who bought the dress did for her wedding), but I'm not a fan of that look.  Or I thought I could offer to pay for a new dress for her so she wouldn't have to buy two dresses for my wedding.  I really don't want to do that either, though, since we are on a seriously tight budget as it is.  

I feel really bad about the whole situation.  On one hand, I specifically told her NOT to buy the dress...she did, so it's her mistake not mine, so I shouldn't have to pay for it.  On the other hand, she's my friend, it's my wedding, and I was unlucky enough to like a color that's getting discontinued...none of which is her fault and SHE shouldn't have to eat the cost either.  Bottom line...I don't know what the right thing to do is and I really don't want to risk a friendship over a dress.  Help!

ocgirl310

If you are going to get a different dress, I would reimburse your bm for the dress and then try to sell it online, try to make up the cost. In the scheme of things, I think that is the best way to go.

akhensley81

Ehh I disagree. If you specifically told her not to buy the dress, but she did anyway, then I think it's her problem to deal with. You shouldn't have to buy it from her.

But aside from that, what color are we looking at here? I wonder if there are complimenting colors and maybe you can find a way for this BM to still wear that dress. If it's a shade of green, for example, you could have each girl in a different (complimenting) shade of green. That might be really pretty. But that depends on the look you're going for.

AdeleDazeem

I'm actually surprised that the color was discontinued after the bridal shop hinted that it might be.  That's usually a scare tactic.

Regardless, I like AK's suggestion of complimenting colors.

I also would consider calling around and seeing if you can find the sizes needed for everyone else in that color.  I bet the shop would help you to get in contact with other stores carrying the dress and color.  My body didn't change that much at 15 over the course of six months, but everyone is different.

You could always find the dresses for the older members of your wedding party and then reassess in January for the younger ones.  They could wear the same dress but in a complimenting color.

brilibby4

I could be wrong but it sounds to me like she bought the dress knowing it might not be used in the wedding.  From the way you described it I got the impression she bought it because she "liked it so much" and would want it even if you didn't end up using them for your wedding?  Have you talked to her about the situation?  Although I do agree that if you love the dress/color you should try to check other bridal stores or consider PPs idea about complimentary colors. 

Oh, and my body definitely wasn't changing much at 15.  Not to the point that a dress I bought wouldn't fit a year later. 

kayakrunhike

Since you specifically told her not to buy the dress (does she remember you saying that?), I think you're off the hook.  If she really likes the dress, I bet she can find something else to wear it for. 

It all depends on what exactly you plan to do.  Are you going to pick a different color?  Did it look good on all the BMs?  As a PP suggested, if you decide to try for that color, call other stores and see if you can find the dresses in the right style/ size.  You might be able to get them to ship it to the store close to you if it is further away.  I also agree that shades of the same color may not be bad, depending on what color it is.  I'm not a fan of different color dresses, either, but shades can be pretty.

If you decide to change the color, this one should be on your bM. If she likes the dress that much, she can either wear it for personal use, or try to sell it online. 

mvance3

Thanks to all for advice/comments.  To answer a few questions, when I told everyone which dress to try on and that they should not buy it yet, it was in an email message that is still on my computer.  It has item numbers and such so I felt emailing it was the best way to communicate without errors.

The color itself is a deep teal.  It's not really green and it's not really blue...so finding a match would be a pain. 

For the two girls who are 15...it may be longer than a year before the wedding.  We were originally planning for April, but plans have changed...which everyone was aware that was a possibility when we started planning.  Not to mention, his sister is sick...she's been in and out of the hospital with G.I. problems...so the likelihood of her body changing in a year is actually pretty high.  

The other thing I forgot to mention is that my fiance is pushing me to tell her it's her problem because we can't afford to pay for her mistake.  I sincerely doubt she would want the dress should it not get used in the wedding since she doesn't live the lifestyle that would require her to have a formal gown.  I suppose I could be wrong...for all I know she has a black tie event coming up and figured two birds, one stone.

Again, thank you everyone for your replies :-)  

GJones27

I don't think you should reimburse her.  You had clear directions, and she didn't follow them.  I would go with whatever dress when you want, and she should deal with the extra dress. 

eshaufle

If the dress is what you would want for your BM dresses regardless of whether you knew it was discontinued, then I think it would be worth it to do your best to try and find them in stores for the other girls.  You'd be surprised at how helpful the designer/manufacturing company will be in trying to help you search.

I wouldn't worry about the 15 year olds changing so drastically that their dress wouldn't fit in 1-2 years.  Just error on the side of caution and get them longer or bigger than you normally would.  Dresses can usually always been taken in and shortened pretty easily.  I was in a wedding when I was almost 15 and we had gotten our dresses when I had just turned 13.  I was going through growth spurts like crazy and ended up being like 6'1" and 115 pounds by the time of the wedding (haha not a great look...so awkward).  My dress required a ton of alterations but we planned for it that way.

And if you specifically told your BM not to buy the dress then it's not your responsibility.  She can try to sell it to get her money back.

squirrly

What did you say when she told you she'd already bought it?  How long ago was that?

tpender13

Yeah, it's her mistake to deal with, not yours. I wouldn't offer to reimburse her. If she wants to try to sell it, she can go through the hassle.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-jumped-gunnow?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:81e8e91a-209e-4445-af4a-d18f8a80c8e1Post:97d770db-6385-4518-b64e-bc74e02047ad">Re: Bridesmaid jumped the gun...now what?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm actually surprised that the color was discontinued after the bridal shop hinted that it might be.  That's usually a scare tactic. Regardless, I like AK's suggestion of complimenting colors. I also would consider calling around and seeing if you can find the sizes needed for everyone else in that color.  I bet the shop would help you to get in contact with other stores carrying the dress and color.  My body didn't change that much at 15 over the course of six months, but everyone is different. <strong>You could always find the dresses for the older members of your wedding party and then reassess in January for the younger ones.  They could wear the same dress but in a complimenting color.</strong>
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

This was going to be my suggestion. If you have another wedding color, use that for their dresses.

goetzr19

You told her NOT to buy the dress, and explained the situation.  Therefore, it's not your fault that she bought the dress.  If she tells you that she's not buying another one, well then I guess that's another situation. 

Choose a dress that works for your BP, in the color you want.  You covered your behind by telling her not to buy the dress.  That's that!

mvance3

It was approximately a couple weeks ago that she told me she bought the dress.  How long ago she actually made the purchase...I have no idea.  To be honest, I was in shock when she told me so I didn't say a whole lot...just that I really hope the color isn't discontinuing...I checked online shortly after to find that it was.  Since she lives 1500 miles away and has two kids we don't get to talk too often unfortunately.  This is why I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do.  It's hard enough to maintain a friendship with such distance which is why I really don't want to upset her or make her feel like I screwed her over.  

Thank you to everyone for your advice.  I feel a lot better about the situation now and I'm going to just have to bite the bullet and make a choice...which may mean an uncomfortable phone call, but I think all will be well in the end.  Thanks again!

lindsayclark2012

I'd let her buy the new dress. I think it's my inner bitch coming out, but she was the one that jumped the gun and bought the dress when you told them not to. I'm not letting my bridesmaids buy dresses til after christmas.