Wedding Etiquette Forum

Friend issue...need advice...long

I need some advice on an issue H and I have been having with another couple who are good friends of ours. Sorry this is long.

My friend "K" was one of my BMs, her H "B" is a good friend of my H's, but they aren't as close as they used to be, so he wasn't a GM. B and my H own a PA system together from when they used to be in a band. We asked B if he would mind bringing it and setting it up at our Reception so we could DIY our music. He said sure.

A couple of weeks before the wedding K found out she was invited to work at a big fashion show on the day of our wedding, and asked me if I cared if she left while people were eating dinner but came back for dancing, I said no prob.

During the reception K left and never returned, but B stayed to hang out with another mutual friend and look after the PA. I was kind of hurt that K never came back, but I was getting over it. At the time it looked like B was having fun with friends so all was good.

A few weeks ago, we had them over for dinner as a thank you to B for helping us out with the music. After dinner we were showing them the wedding pics, and they made several comments about B not being in any of the pics, and K said at one point "oh was B sitting in a corner somewhere at this point?" and B said "yeah I had to make sure the music was working". They made so many comments like this, making it sound like B was stuck there all alone and didn't have any fun. It is clear to me that they are hurt, and I am not sure how to respond.

Do we owe them an apology? I can see why B would be upset about not being a GM then being asked to help out with the music, but we definitely dind't expect him to sit by it all night and not have any fun. Every time I saw him that night he was laughing with some friends so I thought he was ok. Now they are sorf of giving us the cold shoulder.

My H and I really value their friendship so I want to do the right thing. H thinks we should just ignore the issue and let them cool off. I feel like we should say something to them, but I am not sure what to say. Any advice?

Cliff's: A married couple who are friends of ours are offended that the H was not included very much in the wedding, even though the wife was a BM. Now they are being kind of passive aggressive, and giving us the cold shoulder. What should we do?

Re: Friend issue...need advice...long

  • Based on the part about her asking if he was sitting at a corner at this point, it sounds like maybe that's just his MO. Is he usually really social or kind of a wall flower? Maybe he just needs her there to bring him out and be social. Maybe you guys are internalizing it and they really aren't upset?
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I wouldn't expect the bride and groom to babysit me at their own wedding because my date ditched me.  K is the one to aplogize to B for leaving him at the wedding and never returning.
  • I agree that K was in the wrong for leaving her H there and not coming back.

    Personally, I am a blunt person.  If this were me, I would go to K and say something along the lines of "I'm getting the feeling that you guys are upset that B wasn't in the wedding or was asked to help out with the music.  I just want you to know that we really value your friendship and I hope that if you are upset about something, you would just tell me rather than hinting at it." and just see how she responds.  I'm the type to just get it out in the open rather than dance around it and be passive agressive.  I hate that crap.  If she does say "yeah we were upset and here's why" then you can state your side too about her leaving him there and how it seemed to you that he was having fun and wasn't babysitting the music, etc.  Work it out. 
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  • You don't owe him an apology, his wife does.

    I'd stay out of it, personally.
  • Thanks guys, I also feel like K was to blame if B was mad about being there alone. B isn't the most social person, but he was sitting with a few freinds of his and my H, so he was with people he knew.

    I usually try to avoid any kind of confrontation, and this has gotten me in trouble with past friendships, so I am trying to be better about it. Would it be ok to write this to K in an email, rather than having a conversation with her?
  • I should also say, I would just say something simple in the email like "sorry if B felt left out during the wedding, we really value your friendship, and this was definitely not our intention."

    I just feel like we should acknowledge that we see he is hurt.
  • If you're going to say something, I think it needs to be in person.  You can't read a person's reaction to an email and adjust on the fly if they take it the wrong way.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-issueneed-advicelong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82176204-0968-423a-8d78-6e908bedfd4cPost:0e921f5d-c21c-46e9-b337-2152c4150382">Re: Friend issue...need advice...long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I should also say, I would just say something simple in the email like "sorry if B felt left out during the wedding, we really value your friendship, and this was definitely not our intention." I just feel like we should acknowledge that we see he is hurt.
    Posted by jforeman5[/QUOTE]

    See I wouldn't do that, because you're making assumptions about how he feels and unless you ask him or her directly, you don't really know if that is true.  If it were me, I would have addressed it right then when you were showing the video.  When she said "where was B, sitting in the corner?" you or your H should have said "no, he was with so-and-so the whole time, you looked like you were having fun B weren't you?"  Now that the time has passed, I would either bring it up next time the wedding comes up in conversation or just drop it.  If you send an e-mail apologizing like that, then it's like you're admitting you did something wrong, and it doesn't sound like you did.
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  • Ok that makes sense. I wont write the email then. If they bring it up again, which I'm sure they will. I will grow a pair and say something in person. Luckily for me, my H is much better at this sort of thing, so he can back me up if need be.

    Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. After I had a huge falling out with one of my best friends, I have been trying to re-evaluate the way I communicate with people.
  • Well the key is coming from a concerned point of view, rather than just being confrontational and/or accusatory.
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  • Yeah, that last post I made sounded more aggresive than I meant. I just want them to know that we feel bad if we hurt them. I am afraid to bring it up, because I'm afraid they will actually be mad, and then we will have to talk about it, which would be so uncomfortable to me.

    what I meant to say was: If they continue to bring it up, I will make sure to tell them we are sorry if he felt left out, it wasn't our intention. If they get mad and want to talk about it, my H is really good at this sort of conflict resolution stuff and can help me out. He is much better at saying the right thing than I am.
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