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It turns out that weddings are about the parents

Hi all. I'm not looking for advice here, I just want to vent because my fiance isn't interested in hearing about this and because I'm alone in a new city without anyone to really talk to.

I've been having troubles with the guest list because my in-laws are inviting a lot of distant relatives that aren't coming and my parents' families are so massive. Naturally, this has all come to a head -- I sent my parents the guest list to confirm and my mom came back and removed my cousins' SOs and added estranged family members who have been violent/inappropriate toward me and my siblings. I called back to discuss because they exceeded their limit of of 1/3 of the guest list by 20 people and included an A list and B list. I explained to them the etiquette issues and they said they were willing to deal with them. But they explained that because they're paying for the wedding, that they will invite who they want to invite, and that includes our entire family, no matter what our discussed limit was.

I guess what gets me is that they have told me over and over that this is what their parents did to them and that they weren't going to do this to me. I gave them a list to approve for a head count before I secured the venue, and they OK'd it. And then, of course, now that I'm cutting 20+ friends from my list (my fiance and I are now inviting 20% of guests, including us, our wedding party, our cousins' SOs, the vendors and our parents friends), my parents are wondering why - they say that if I want friends, that I should invite them because they're not expecting 20 of their guests to show up anyway, and my in-laws have guests they don't expect to show up, so there, we have 50 people we can invite. But we can't invite 50 people more than the space holds... plus an additional $500 worth of invitations isn't in our budget.

I'm frustrated, and I know you all are going to tear into me and say that this is what I get when my parents pay for the wedding. My dad has been saving up for my wedding since the day he knew he was having a daughter, and something he's been talking about his whole life. And we are paying for what we can afford of the wedding. And naturally, my fiance is so upset with me for not standing up to my dad properly, and saying that I should just cross people off the list that we don't want to come. But my parents keep saying that family trumps friends, and I have a lot of respect for my parents.

I'm confused and frustrated and I just wish I didn't have to cut people I have close relationships with for people who don't like me.

End rant. Please don't tell me that you told me so - it's not like I'm inviting more than my venue holds and I'm not doing the A list and B list (I'm just inviting both of my parents' lists...) and I'm not crossing people off their lists. I just want to get my feelings out there because I have no one else to talk to.

Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents

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    Edie,

    I'm having my wedding next year - I messed up the date. I still sometimes write that it's 2011... and it's about to become 2013! Ack.

    I mentioned it, and my parents flipped out and said I was being passive aggressive and a martyr, but that's not what I meant by it. It would honestly break my dad's heart, and if I did suggest it again, I think they would offer to take more of his family off the list, but I don't want to manipulate them into shortening their list. I would feel awful.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_it-turns-out-that-weddings-are-about-the-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:828f7fa2-c3e9-4765-92b2-26e527f4764bPost:2c478d90-dfac-43d4-912d-72b17ddd30f4">Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to It turns out that weddings are about the parents : I'm sorry this is so frustrating for you. When is your wedding?  You bio says it was this past August.  Did the date get pushed back? Can you turn down their money and just have a smaller wedding with people YOU and your FI want?
    Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

    I agree and I think you do have every right to be frustrated.  Yes money does often come with strings, but your parents seem to be doing exactly what their parents did to them, and breaking etiquette along the way.  I would turn down their offer of money and have the wedding that you and FI want and can afford.  You would have complete control over the guest list that way.  I think that's the best way to stand up to them.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_it-turns-out-that-weddings-are-about-the-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:828f7fa2-c3e9-4765-92b2-26e527f4764bPost:c98c4229-af37-4f51-861c-343d7d0dc4f8">Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]Edie, I'm having my wedding next year - I messed up the date. I still sometimes write that it's 2011... and it's about to become 2013! Ack. I mentioned it, and my parents flipped out and said I was being passive aggressive and a martyr, but that's not what I meant by it. It would honestly break my dad's heart, and if I did suggest it again, I think they would offer to take more of his family off the list, but I don't want to manipulate them into shortening their list. I would feel awful.
    Posted by waywardgirl[/QUOTE]

    If it's going to break your dad's heart that much maybe he should re-evaluate how he treating you and you FI because clearly this behavior is taking a toll on you and breaking your heart.
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    I was very blessed that my father paid for the wedding but also believed the guest list and everything else was up to my husband and I. My heart goes out to anyone having these problems. 

    I think you should seriously consider declining your parents' money and paying for your own wedding. I know it may not end up being the wedding you wanted, but honestly, it isn't the wedding you want under these conditions, either. At least if you paid for it, you would call all the shots and not be so miserable. I hate to see anyone miserable planning their wedding. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    TX, then you should have beena grown up and paid for your wedding yourself.  Like Stage said, it was an avoidable situation.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_it-turns-out-that-weddings-are-about-the-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:828f7fa2-c3e9-4765-92b2-26e527f4764bPost:1038daf2-04a7-4d62-acbf-dc4f116a25ea">Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : Actually, YOU'RE the one who keeps bringing it up and making it about YOU in a thread about someone else.  Not us. <strong>OP, no one here is saying the situation doesn't suck, but the life lesson here is that money comes with strings.  And as I said in my earlier post, you and your FI need to be on the same page. </strong> 
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yup.  Either you and your FI need to decide together that you don't mind going to a wedding that was planned by your parents (you have to realize they may want to control things other than the guest list), or you need to decide to together to refuse the money and plan a wedding that you both want.</div><div>
    </div><div>My parents are paying for most of our wedding and have been amazing about staying out of the planning.  I made a guest list and ran it by my mom and she was perfectly ok with it and has been ever since.  Originally, FI's parents wanted to pay for half the wedding, but their money came with huge strings, so we said no.  Unfortunately, we've continued to let them have some strings even though they aren't paying, but that's another story!</div>

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_it-turns-out-that-weddings-are-about-the-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:828f7fa2-c3e9-4765-92b2-26e527f4764bPost:9a44e376-01e8-4957-b62f-17776faf7494">Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : It's called showing support and solidarity.  Try it sometime.
    Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>PPs are just saying that you made a choice.  You can't always get exactly what you want.  It sounds like you didn't want to refuse your parent's money because you maybe couldn't get exactly what you wanted for the wedding without the money, but you aren't get what you want with your parents paying either.  The world isn't perfect- we rarely get exactly what we want.  I realize I'm making assumptions here, but that's the only explanation I came come up with for why you took your parent's money when you resent said money.

    </div>

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_it-turns-out-that-weddings-are-about-the-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:828f7fa2-c3e9-4765-92b2-26e527f4764bPost:9a44e376-01e8-4957-b62f-17776faf7494">Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : It's called showing support and solidarity.  Try it sometime.
    Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

    <div>There is only so much support anyone can show. People have already conceded that yes, it's a bummer. However, it is a fact that for some of you, money is coming with strings. Nobody is rubbing your nose in it. Nobody is saying, "So sad, too bad" for you. People are just being honest and saying that while it's a bummer, it's the truth, and if you want to avoid it, you need to make other choices. There have been no attacks here. </div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    OP, your situation does suck :/

    I agree with Stage that you really need to sit down and have a long talk with FI about your parent's role in your upcoming life. BUT, before you talk with him, you should have a long talk with yourself. Who matters more to you right now? I know your parents do mean a lot to you, but this is your HUSBAND (to be) and if you can't support him and stand by him, what's going to happen in the future. Have a glass of wine with a good friend and talk it out tonight.

    Put your foot down with your parents. Bring them a list and show them exactly who is being cut. Money does come with strings, but see if they budge. If they don't, it's time to cut the apron strings and go with what you and FI can afford :/

    Sorry that this situation had to happen.

    and TX, you can ignore the truth all you want, but sometimes you have to face it. OP knows they come with strings, so everyone is giving her options. Being combative isn't being supportive.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_it-turns-out-that-weddings-are-about-the-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:828f7fa2-c3e9-4765-92b2-26e527f4764bPost:59489dd5-5c83-41e2-bdf5-980449aba067">Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : that's not how I feel.
    Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think you feel that way b/c you are frustrated with your parents, and having people tell you it sucks but the option is to decline the money is only frustrating you more b/c the words are not "fixing" the situation. Believe me, I get it. And I agree with you that if someone offers to pay, it should be a gift and not with strings. Like I said, I feel blessed my father's money didn't come with strings and my heart goes out to those for whom it does. But honestly, nobody is attacking you. We are just saying it is what it is. </div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Well, then you're being a sensitive sally TX, because no one attacked you.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_it-turns-out-that-weddings-are-about-the-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:828f7fa2-c3e9-4765-92b2-26e527f4764bPost:b9244774-6163-46d9-883b-bae17a29accd">Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE].  If you offer to pay for and do something nice for someone else, you should do so with the other person's best interest in mind.
    Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

    And if you accept someone else's money, then you should respect some of the things that they want.

    Sorry, but you sound like someone who would take over planning the bridal shower and bachelorette party because it wasn't up to your standards.  That's most definitely not cool, mature, or anything a 33 year old should be doing. 

    Grace.  Get some.
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    OP, I think you and FI need to get on the same page first.  Then you need to re-approach your parents.  Tell them why you don't want the physically violent and inappropriate relatives invited.  Ask them how they felt when their parents ruled their wedding.  If they say they felt frustrated, etc.  Tell them that is exactly how you are feeling adding any other feelings you may be having towards the current GL. Tell them that you could never do to your child, what they are doing to you.  At some point, the cycle has to stop. 

    If they refuse to budge, I think you should tell them thanks but no thanks for the money.  Tell your dad, you appreciate all that he did to save for your wedding, but that you cannot have people who have hurt you in the past invited and exclude your closest friends who have never hurt you and currently support you.
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    OP I think you have been given some really good advice and I hope you come back and keep us updated.  The ony other thing I can suggest if you are dead set and keeping your parents happy by accepting the money is this: 

    See if you can find a few elements of your wedding that are really important to you that you're parents aren't being as controlling over.  This is sort of how I am dealing with my wedding.  FI's parents are insisting that all of their guest list (113 people) be invited, and since my parents budget cannot accommodate such a high number they are contributing whatever is necessary to cover their guests and all other wedding elements.  I am hating the fact that we will be having a larger wedding than we wanted (FI and I only wanted to invite about 125 people, but now are inviting about 200), but trying to turn down the money resulted in disaster.  However, FI's parents are basically not questioning anything else we choose.  They did not ask for a say in any of our vendors (other than making sure our venue could accommodate gluten allergies), invitations patterns, etc so I can basically plan out all the details without meddling from either side of parents.  My mom and I do have different visions for centerpieces, but since I could care less what's on the tables I have happily given her free reign over that decision.

    So, if you are determined to not break your dad's heart by letting your parents pay, see if there are other areas you can focus on that your parents won't meddle in and make the best of it.
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    melb2013melb2013 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_it-turns-out-that-weddings-are-about-the-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:828f7fa2-c3e9-4765-92b2-26e527f4764bPost:b9244774-6163-46d9-883b-bae17a29accd">Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : I'm 33 years old and am a consultant.  I own my own home and am actually letting my parents live with me on and off while they transition to retirement.  I have done plenty of things for myself.  My parents offered to pay, saying it was a gift.  I accepted.  I'm not resenting the money; I'm resenting the implications that the money holds the power.  For example, my FI & his parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner.  FI wants to keep it small (immediate family + wedding party and their SO).  Mom wants to invite her brothers who are coming in from out of town (yes, I realize that it standard, but my FI's family is 90% out of town and we didn't want to play favorites with which family members we invite.  When I explained this to mom, she said "well, I'll pay for him."  Throwing the money into the equation doesn't remedy the fact that we would prefer a smaller rehearsal dinner.  She also says "I dont' get to see my brothers very often and I want to spend time with them."  I sometimes feel like she is turning our wedding into a mini family reunion for herself and her brothers.  <strong>If you offer to pay for and do something nice for someone else, you should do so with the other person's best interest in mind. </strong> If I cook dinner for FI for his birthday, It would be tacky for me to cook salmon (he hates fish). For me, the invitations have already gone out and it's too far into planning to change the financials.  I have had painful conversations and have found some compromises with my mom.  And all I wanted to do was tell OP that I share her pain.
    Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I completely agree.  Nobody's saying your situation doesn't suck.  Everyone is just saying that you could reject the money whenever you want to.  You have choices.  The choice you made left you vunerable and you just want us to throw you a pity party, when we're just being realistic.

    </div>

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_it-turns-out-that-weddings-are-about-the-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:828f7fa2-c3e9-4765-92b2-26e527f4764bPost:2992d6a1-0d50-47a9-87cd-9bedbb918e07">Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]Although I do have a question Tx.  What kind of answers/support/solidarity were you looking for?
    Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is exactly what I am wondering. Like I said, everyone concedes it's a bummer. But what are we supposed to do, JUST say "Yeah, that sucks!  Stupid money strings!"  and then go have a latte with no more thoughts on the matter? Would that be supportive, yet saying, "It sucks, but you have no choice but to suck it up or decline money" ISN'T being supportive?  I didn't realize additional thoughts negates support. </div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_it-turns-out-that-weddings-are-about-the-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:828f7fa2-c3e9-4765-92b2-26e527f4764bPost:c98c4229-af37-4f51-861c-343d7d0dc4f8">Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]Edie, I'm having my wedding next year - I messed up the date. I still sometimes write that it's 2011... and it's about to become 2013! Ack. I mentioned it, and my parents flipped out and said I was being passive aggressive and a martyr, but that's not what I meant by it. It would honestly break my dad's heart, and <strong>if I did suggest it again, I think they would offer to take more of his family off the list, but I don't want to manipulate them into shortening their list. I would feel awful.</strong>
    Posted by waywardgirl[/QUOTE]

    But they don't feel awful by maniupulating you. I would still ask them to cut the list, I mean you CAN have a civil conversation right? Talk to him about how these people don't even like you so why should you pay for them to come to your wedding.
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    OP I'm confused, you say your parents are paying then say you're saving as much as you can to pay too? Maybe this is reading fail on my part. If they're paying, what does it matter who they pay to invite? It would be different if they were telling you to invite however many people and you foot the bill. Unless you're running into a max for the venue and aren't able to invite who you want.
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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2012
    I just retread my post and it didn't come out the way I planned so I am changing it to say I wanted to get back to the original poster.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_it-turns-out-that-weddings-are-about-the-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:828f7fa2-c3e9-4765-92b2-26e527f4764bPost:46c1afb8-6302-4ae7-9fc8-47361a9e2261">Re:It turns out that weddings are about the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP I'm confused, you say your parents are paying then say you're saving as much as you can to pay too? Maybe this is reading fail on my part. If they're paying, what does it matter who they pay to invite? It would be different if they were telling you to invite however many people and you foot the bill. Unless you're running into a max for the venue and aren't able to invite who you want.
    Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ally,</div><div>
    </div><div>Good question - sorry I was unclear. My parents are paying for about 60%, my in-laws for 20%, and my fiance and me for another 20% (we keep chipping in for more and more as our guest list grew). Our space does have a capacity and we are past it right now. I need to cut more friends out of my list, but my parents think I should invite 250 and don't understand why I feel the need to cut out friends.</div><div>
    </div><div>To everyone,</div><div>
    </div><div>Thank you so much for such great advice and giving me the support I really needed. I woke up with the worst headache in the world and I got absolutely no sleep last night - when your fiance is upset with you and your parents are upset with you and they're the people  you always go to with your problems, it, well, sucks. So having a lot of really fantastic women give me encouraging words and say the things I needed to hear and make me feel brave enough to try this on my own was exactly what I needed.</div><div>
    </div><div>I'm going to have one last (civil!) conversation with my parents about making some cuts on their list so we can be even and invite people because we know and love them rather than "taking the high road"... and if we go nowhere, then I'm going to cut my losses with our deposits and see what fiance and I can afford.</div><div>
    </div><div>Here goes nothing...</div>
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    edited December 2012
    Also, SB1512 and sydaries, if you're from CT - I hope your family/friends are all safe!!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_it-turns-out-that-weddings-are-about-the-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:828f7fa2-c3e9-4765-92b2-26e527f4764bPost:3852e1ed-ad50-448a-99a3-275100a07c9c">Re:It turns out that weddings are about the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:It turns out that weddings are about the parents : Ally, Good question - sorry I was unclear. My parents are paying for about 60%, my in-laws for 20%, and my fiance and me for another 20% (we keep chipping in for more and more as our guest list grew). Our space does have a capacity and we are past it right now. I need to cut more friends out of my list, but my parents think I should invite 250 and don't understand why I feel the need to cut out friends. To everyone, Thank you so much for such great advice and giving me the support I really needed. I woke up with the worst headache in the world and I got absolutely no sleep last night - when your fiance is upset with you and your parents are upset with you and they're the people  you always go to with your problems, it, well, sucks. So having a lot of really fantastic women give me encouraging words and say the things I needed to hear and make me feel brave enough to try this on my own was exactly what I needed. I'm going to have one last (civil!) conversation with my parents about making some cuts on their list so we can be even and invite people because we know and love them rather than "taking the high road"... and if we go nowhere, then I'm going to cut my losses with our deposits and see what fiance and I can afford. Here goes nothing...
    Posted by waywardgirl[/QUOTE]

    Good for you.  Good luck, we're rooting for you!
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    melb2013melb2013 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_it-turns-out-that-weddings-are-about-the-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:828f7fa2-c3e9-4765-92b2-26e527f4764bPost:48c03ec5-a75e-4ea0-b9cb-88a755d442f1">Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents : And see, herein lies the problem.  We don't think you're running around barking orders and being a bridezilla.  We don't even think you're wrong for being upset at the situation.  But YOU have decided to think all of this about US because we simply offered a solution to the problem that you don't like.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.  Nobody thinks you are barking orders.  Everyone thinks your situation sucks.  But we all agree there were other solutions to the problem and you don't need other people to throw you a pity party.  I think the pity party is the only thing that you would find supportive.  You need to grow a thicker skin- if I took situations regarding work this personally, I'd be one emotional reck.</div><div>
    </div><div>And good luck with the talk OP.</div>

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_it-turns-out-that-weddings-are-about-the-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:828f7fa2-c3e9-4765-92b2-26e527f4764bPost:b15e817d-30b6-43f0-bfb2-79ddfab831e7">Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, SB1512 and sydaries, if you're from CT - I hope your family/friends are all safe!!
    Posted by waywardgirl[/QUOTE]

    Thank you.  As far as I know I do not know anyone personally who was affected yesterday, but they have not yet released names of the children. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_it-turns-out-that-weddings-are-about-the-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:828f7fa2-c3e9-4765-92b2-26e527f4764bPost:6955e6e4-d565-44ec-843e-c72f511bb37f">Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>It concerns me that your parents want to invite your violent and inappropriate estranged relatives</strong>.  I know you love your parents, but that's really saying something about their respect for your wishes.  I think you're in a losing battle. I'm so sorry.
    Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

    Absolutely this.
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    girl if it's gonna break your dads heart then u need to have a convo with him in which he needs to do some reevaluating....the goal of the day is for you and fiance to be happy....how can u do that w/o the ppl you want there and with the fools you don't....explain to your daddy that you and fiancee don't want those ppl there and you'll both pay for your own to have the happiness you deserve...not what they want u to have...
    ****The Future Mrs. Ikeard**** wedding countdown
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    edited December 2012
    Update: Well, I called my parents this morning and told them that my fiance and I are now interested in paying for our own wedding so that we can invite the people that are meaningful to us. They yelled very loudly for several minutes about how passive aggressive I'm being and I said I was serious and that we would be writing a check to them for the deposits they've made, would they please email us the total when they have it, thanks and bye.

    Naturally, within twenty minutes, I received a phone call from them saying that they would be calling all of their family members so that they could determine who was able/willing to come, who could afford it, who wanted to come, etc. It turns out several family members who I don't know aren't interested in coming (imagine that!) but I haven't gotten the updated list from them yet, but I guess they're paring it down to the number I'd originally requested so that we can even it out among my FILs, my parents, and us.

    I feel like I manipulated them, but FI and I were able to cover the deposits at least so it wasn't a lie.

    I'm still hoping, though, that my parents don't exclude all of my cousins' fiances and live-in SOs from their list again...
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_it-turns-out-that-weddings-are-about-the-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:828f7fa2-c3e9-4765-92b2-26e527f4764bPost:5ebed502-8e1f-4d6f-b0d7-ee7c78695474">Re: It turns out that weddings are about the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]Update: Well, I called my parents this morning and told them that my fiance and I are now interested in paying for our own wedding so that we can invite the people that are meaningful to us. They yelled very loudly for several minutes about how passive aggressive I'm being and I said I was serious and that we would be writing a check to them for the deposits they've made, would they please email us the total when they have it, thanks and bye. Naturally, within twenty minutes, I received a phone call from them saying that they would be calling all of their family members so that they could determine who was able/willing to come, who could afford it, who wanted to come, etc. It turns out several family members who I don't know aren't interested in coming (imagine that!) but I haven't gotten the updated list from them yet, but I guess they're paring it down to the number I'd originally requested so that we can even it out among my FILs, my parents, and us.<strong> I feel like I manipulated them, but FI and I were able to cover the deposits at least so it wasn't a lie.</strong> I'm still hoping, though, that my parents don't exclude all of my cousins' fiances and live-in SOs from their list again...
    Posted by waywardgirl[/QUOTE]

    It's not manipulating because they could have "called your bluff" so to speak if they really wanted to and could have pulled the funding. It's good that they're working on their list!
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    Yup. My wedding is my father's wedding.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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