Not inviting children

Pookieson

I know that when you don't invite children you just put the parents name on the invite and don't address it "and family".  However, recently we were at my future mother and laws and some extended family were commented on how they had no idea that they weren't allowing children at the wedding they were about to attend Saturday, even though the invites were addressed to just the parents name.  They realized when the bride called and said that "sorry, no kids" in a polite fashion I'm sure. 
My question, we would kind of like to cut out kids for budget reasons but I don't want to have to make 85 phone calls when people RSVP with the whole fam.  Our guest list isn't full of etiquette experts and a lot of them may not know the procedure behind just getting an invite addressed to the parents means.
Also, our daughter will be 6 when we get married.  Is it okay to allow a few family members to bring their children so she has a small group to play with. (Like her two cousins).  I understand all of the predicaments behind that and why it may be veiwed as bad etiquette, just wondering what the actual etiquette would be on that situation.
Thanks!

stantokm

You could just invite children from immediate family (like your daughter's cousins), but if you invite some immediate family kids and not others, you will probably offend and upset people.

As for the invitations, you already know how to address them.  It might not save you 85 phone calls, but consider putting the invited couples' names on the RSVP card next to places to check off ("___will attend or ____will not attend").  They will see their names and not their kids' names.

(Edited for a typo)

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82cbb37a-99d5-490a-a4ea-c8ddb10ab2f5Post:a3509666-84b7-4f3b-a627-5a68c0d1d5f6">Not inviting children</a>:
[QUOTE]I know that when you don't invite children you just put the parents name on the invite and don't address it "and family".  However, recently we were at my future mother and laws and some extended family were commented on how they had no idea that they weren't allowing children at the wedding they were about to attend Saturday, even though the invites were addressed to just the parents name.  They realized when the bride called and said that "sorry, no kids" in a polite fashion I'm sure.  My question, we would kind of like to cut out kids for budget reasons but I don't want to have to make <strong>85 phone calls</strong> when people RSVP with the whole fam.  Our guest list isn't full of etiquette experts and a lot of them may not know the procedure behind just getting an invite addressed to the parents means. Also, our daughter will be 6 when we get married.  <strong>Is it okay to allow a few family members to bring their children so she has a small group to play with. (Like her two cousins).</strong>  I understand all of the predicaments behind that and why it may be veiwed as bad etiquette, just wondering what the actual etiquette would be on that situation. Thanks!
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

1. I'm sure that's dramatic. But even if you do have to make 85 calls, you cannot put "Adults only reception" or anything of the sort on your invitations. It's incredibly tacky.

2. No. You'd be inviting kids close to your daughter's age only, I'd assume, which is also tacky and shows favoritism. Hire a sitter for your daughter to help keep her entertained/supervised at the reception, don't rely upon other people and their kids.


Be prepared that people might side-eye you a bit because you're not inviting <em>their </em>children, but have a daughter. It's ultimately your choice, but I could see guests being confused.

RebeccaB88

You could invite kids in the immediate family only, but then you'd have to include all of them. You couldn't just pick and choose which ones make the cut.  Is your daughter in the wedding?  Then you could include only kids in the wedding.  But just picking random kids so you daughter will have company just means that othe people will be upset because THEIR kids weren't included in that.  I think people will understand why the child of the bridal couple is in attendance (they should, anyway), but some people can get really bent out of shape over their kids being included, so I think it's safest to either include all or none (all kids, family kids, or no kids).

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82cbb37a-99d5-490a-a4ea-c8ddb10ab2f5Post:a3509666-84b7-4f3b-a627-5a68c0d1d5f6">Not inviting children</a>:
[QUOTE]I know that when you don't invite children you just put the parents name on the invite and don't address it "and family".  However, recently we were at my future mother and laws and some extended family were commented on how they had no idea that they weren't allowing children at the wedding they were about to attend Saturday, even though the invites were addressed to just the parents name.  They realized when the bride called and said that "sorry, no kids" in a polite fashion I'm sure.  My question, we would kind of like to cut out kids for budget reasons but I don't want to have to make 85 phone calls when people RSVP with the whole fam.  Our guest list isn't full of etiquette experts and a lot of them may not know the procedure behind just getting an invite addressed to the parents means. <strong>Also, our daughter will be 6 when we get married</strong>.  <strong>Is it okay to allow a few family members to bring their children so she has a small group to play with. (Like her two cousins)</strong>.  I understand all of the predicaments behind that and why it may be veiwed as bad etiquette, just wondering what the actual etiquette would be on that situation. Thanks!
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>The advice is generally to invite in circles.  Does she have more than the two first cousins?</div><div>
</div><div>Otherwise, hire a sitter - potentially for all the kids?  If that's not an option, you can put on your RSVPS "We have reserved 2 seats in your honor."  That should make it crystal clear who is invited.</div>

Pookieson

Her cousins are her only family members her age.  There are no other little ones.  She is the only child in the wedding.  I'm not hiring a sitter for her.  I just wanted her to have someone to play with but I was trying to avoid people bringing their teenagers and such.

FormerlyAK

If people side-eye you for inviting your daughter but not their kid, they need to get over it. I have a son who will be 7 when I get married and there's no way in hell I'd do it without him there.

People always say "invite in circles" so there is a logical cut off of the guest list. We chose to invite children of family members only. We have talked with friends who have kids about this and they all think it makes sense and are not insulted that their kid isn't invited.

[Deleted User]

my .02 but i think a six year old is old enough to behave properly at a wedding without her "posse"

She can always bring something small to amuse herself should she get bored.  But honestly can't she visit with her family, your friends, dance etc??
Why do kids constantly have to be entertained?

Pookieson

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82cbb37a-99d5-490a-a4ea-c8ddb10ab2f5Post:1d0b7678-927e-4661-80ca-86c4ae44bb11">Re: Not inviting children</a>:
[QUOTE]my .02 but i think a six year old is old enough to behave properly at a wedding without her "posse" She can always bring something small to amuse herself should she get bored.  But honestly can't she visit with her family, your friends, dance etc?? Why do kids constantly have to be entertained?
Posted by IamTheMommaOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

Of course she can do all of those things.  However, I wouldn't want to be the only 6 year old at an adult wedding....would you???? She is very well behaved, that is not the issue.  I'm just thinking it would be nice for her to have someone to "hang" with during the slow boring parts that most kids hate until all of the dancing takes off.

Pookieson

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82cbb37a-99d5-490a-a4ea-c8ddb10ab2f5Post:7dd8c92a-dcbf-4be5-8a3a-6710d00f3412">Re: Not inviting children</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Not inviting children : The advice is generally to invite in circles.  Does she have more than the two first cousins? Otherwise, hire a sitter - potentially for all the kids?  If that's not an option, you can put on your RSVPS <strong>"We have reserved 2 seats in your honor."  That should make it crystal clear who is invited.</strong>
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

Love that idea.
We thought about doing the whole kids table, etc in regards to the little ones.  I may just have to bite the bullet and invite all of them. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82cbb37a-99d5-490a-a4ea-c8ddb10ab2f5Post:3c82f76d-e7b4-4183-b9de-3568e16f8dfd">Re: Not inviting children</a>:
[QUOTE]Her cousins are her only family members her age.  There are no other little ones.  She is the only child in the wedding.  I'm not hiring a sitter for her.  I just wanted her to have someone to play with but I was trying to avoid people bringing their teenagers and such.
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

But are there any cousins NOT her age? I think it's still best to invite in circles. So if you invite cousins, you have to invite cousins, regardless of them being her age or not. I just see family drama ensuing otherwise if you invite six year old cousin Suzie but leave out 13 year old cousin Joe.

Pookieson

No there are not any older cousins, MY COUSINS are older and they are invited.  We didn't exclude any family.  I'm the oldest kid, grandkid, etc so she only has the two cousins on the family side.  The kids are friends kids that we are trying not to invite

OliveOilsMom

We invited only my niece and nephews to the wedding.  No other children were invited. 
These young cousin's are your daughter's cousing, i.e., your neices, correct?  Then this is perfectly acceptable that they are the only children invited. 

Pookieson

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82cbb37a-99d5-490a-a4ea-c8ddb10ab2f5Post:e839b8fa-470e-4daa-b6be-2276495cdaec">Re: Not inviting children</a>:
[QUOTE]We invited only my niece and nephews to the wedding.  No other children were invited.  These young cousin's are your daughter's cousing, i.e., your neices, correct?  Then this is perfectly acceptable that they are the only children invited. 
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

Correct. 

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82cbb37a-99d5-490a-a4ea-c8ddb10ab2f5Post:31404960-43ea-4427-b344-2e862ebef4eb">Re: Not inviting children</a>:
[QUOTE]No there are not any older cousins, MY COUSINS are older and they are invited.  We didn't exclude any family.  I'm the oldest kid, grandkid, etc so she only has the two cousins on the family side.  The kids are friends kids that we are trying not to invite
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

<div>Then you're fine to invite only these two kids.  If people give you grief, just let them know that you kept it to family kids.</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82cbb37a-99d5-490a-a4ea-c8ddb10ab2f5Post:31404960-43ea-4427-b344-2e862ebef4eb">Re: Not inviting children</a>:
[QUOTE]No there are not any older cousins, MY COUSINS are older and they are invited.  We didn't exclude any family.  I'm the oldest kid, grandkid, etc so she only has the two cousins on the family side.  The kids are friends kids that we are trying not to invite
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

I'd say that's totally fine then. You just tell friends that only family under the age of *insert x number here* were invited. As long as there's a clear cut off, no problem.

itzMS

I feel like being a bit fiesty on this Friday afternoon. So I will state my honest opinion of how strange I find threads like this where couples with kids don't want to invite other peoples kids to their weddings. I mean, I don't like kids in general, so I didn't invite them, but when you have a child isn't it kind of hypocritical?

Maybe someone can explain the mindset?

(I know people always use budget as an excuse, but any venue I looked at charged pennies on the dollar for a kids meal.)

Pookieson

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82cbb37a-99d5-490a-a4ea-c8ddb10ab2f5Post:6596735f-642b-4344-b4ec-fe9d17eed2f3">Re: Not inviting children</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like being a bit fiesty on this Friday afternoon. So I will state my honest opinion of how strange I find threads like this where couples with kids don't want to invite other peoples kids to their weddings. I mean, I don't like kids in general, so I didn't invite them, but when you have a child isn't it kind of hypocritical? Maybe someone can explain the mindset?
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

I don't know, maybe.  I like my kid, not other people's.  If everyone parented how I do, then I'd invite all of their offspring.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

Honestly, we are just trying to cut down the budget, but don't want our daughter to be bored all evening. 

Personally, we don't take her to weddings unless it's a close family members, we hire a sitter. 

Pookieson

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82cbb37a-99d5-490a-a4ea-c8ddb10ab2f5Post:6f60e50d-3808-49b5-b4de-63884f3c32c7">Re: Not inviting children</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't read all of the responses, but I don't think you'll need playmates for your daughter. My flower girl was the only little one (under 16) at the wedding, she's 7, and she was the bell of the ball.  Everyone loved her, she had a great time on the dance floor and didn't cause a ruckus. It's ok to only invite immediate family children, or just children of the WP, so you don't have to invite everybody's kids.
Posted by kjhowd[/QUOTE]

That is of course always an option. 

tiffanygoss

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82cbb37a-99d5-490a-a4ea-c8ddb10ab2f5Post:a3509666-84b7-4f3b-a627-5a68c0d1d5f6">Not inviting children</a>:
[QUOTE]I know that when you don't invite children you just put the parents name on the invite and don't address it "and family".  However, recently we were at my future mother and laws and some extended family were commented on how they had no idea that they weren't allowing children at the wedding they were about to attend Saturday, even though the invites were addressed to just the parents name.  They realized when the bride called and said that "sorry, no kids" in a polite fashion I'm sure.  My question, we would kind of like to cut out kids for budget reasons but I don't want to have to make 85 phone calls when people RSVP with the whole fam.  Our guest list isn't full of etiquette experts and a lot of them may not know the procedure behind just getting an invite addressed to the parents means. Also, our daughter will be 6 when we get married.  Is it okay to allow a few family members to bring their children so she has a small group to play with. (Like her two cousins).  I understand all of the predicaments behind that and why it may be veiwed as bad etiquette, just wondering what the actual etiquette would be on that situation. Thanks!
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

tiffanygoss

We are not inviting kids to our wedding and printed this on the bottom of our invitation:

We respectfully request this remain an adult only celebration.


In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82cbb37a-99d5-490a-a4ea-c8ddb10ab2f5Post:a3509666-84b7-4f3b-a627-5a68c0d1d5f6">Not inviting children</a>:
[QUOTE]I know that when you don't invite children you just put the parents name on the invite and don't address it "and family".  However, recently we were at my future mother and laws and some extended family were commented on how they had no idea that they weren't allowing children at the wedding they were about to attend Saturday, even though the invites were addressed to just the parents name.  They realized when the bride called and said that "sorry, no kids" in a polite fashion I'm sure.  My question, we would kind of like to cut out kids for budget reasons but I don't want to have to make 85 phone calls when people RSVP with the whole fam.  Our guest list isn't full of etiquette experts and a lot of them may not know the procedure behind just getting an invite addressed to the parents means. Also, our daughter will be 6 when we get married.  Is it okay to allow a few family members to bring their children so she has a small group to play with. (Like her two cousins).  I understand all of the predicaments behind that and why it may be veiwed as bad etiquette, just wondering what the actual etiquette would be on that situation. Thanks!
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

Pookieson

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82cbb37a-99d5-490a-a4ea-c8ddb10ab2f5Post:1e1d92e9-594e-494e-af6b-69bc7b200a65">Re: Not inviting children</a>:
[QUOTE]We are not inviting kids to our wedding and printed this on the bottom of our invitation: We respectfully request this remain an adult only celebration. In Response to Not inviting children :
Posted by tiffanygoss[/QUOTE]

I don't like that idea for a wedding.  Maybe a house party or dinner party....I was looking for a better way to word it.  I liked the idea above about having exact names on RSVP cards, though that would cost a little more or cost a lot more time.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82cbb37a-99d5-490a-a4ea-c8ddb10ab2f5Post:6596735f-642b-4344-b4ec-fe9d17eed2f3">Re: Not inviting children</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like being a bit fiesty on this Friday afternoon. So I will state my honest opinion of how strange I find threads like this where couples with kids don't want to invite other peoples kids to their weddings. I mean, I don't like kids in general, so I didn't invite them, but when you have a child isn't it kind of hypocritical? Maybe someone can explain the mindset? (I know people always use budget as an excuse, but any venue I looked at charged pennies on the dollar for a kids meal.)
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

<div>I only invited me nieces and nephews.  I like them and have a real realationship with them.  Because they are immediate family  they warranted an invite on their own (IME), they were not just someone's kids.   I really didn't have a relationship with my friends or cousins kids anyway.  </div><div>
</div><div>Plus adding all of them would have add like 66 something kids to the mix.   I didn't want to cut out adults I wanted in order to have kids I do not care about.  That is why they make babysitters.</div><div>
</div><div>I also do not understand why an invite to wedding automatically makes it a "family affair"?  There are lots of black-tie charity events or company business parties that you would not even consider the kids are invited, why is a wedding different?</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Pookieson

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82cbb37a-99d5-490a-a4ea-c8ddb10ab2f5Post:2f35554a-0656-477e-873e-10769d1d6d7a">Re: Not inviting children</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting children : I only invited me nieces and nephews.  I like them and have a real realationship with them.  Because they are immediate family  they warranted an invite on their own (IME), they were not just someone's kids.   I really didn't have a relationship with my friends or cousins kids anyway.   Plus adding all of them would have add like 66 something kids to the mix.   I didn't want to cut out adults I wanted in order to have kids I do not care about.  That is why they make babysitters. I also do not understand why an invite to wedding automatically makes it a "family affair"?  <strong>There are lots of black-tie charity events or company business parties that you would not even consider the kids are invited, why is a wedding different?</strong>
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

totally agree.  Like I said earlier, we never, ever take our DD to weddings unless it is someone SHE has a relationship with or it is requested that we bring her. 

Summer2011Bride

I think you are fine to just invite those kids. I know not everyone thinks this way and that in some families, hell would break loose if you did it this way, but kids are people too, and I look at them the way I look at adults when inviting to a wedding. Just because I invited a few co-workers I was close to, didn't mean I invited every single one of my co-workers. Just because I invited our best friends, doesn't mean I invited every single friend I ever made. So I think it makes just as much sense to invite those children you are closer to than others.

Again, in some families, this causes issues, so I am not telling you or anyone how to do this, but I really don't see kids as different than adults in this regard. And to the other poster who asked: just because you have children doesn't mean you like everyone else's child as much as your own. It also doesn't mean you have to have a wedding rife with children. Having ONE child at YOUR wedding who happens to be your own kid (would you honestly not invite your own child to your wedding?) is way different than 60 kids being there.

ta090607

We are telling everyone we are only inviting out to our (my fiancee' and I) first cousins. And our neices and nephews.

Also, my daugther is 15, she is allowed to invite 5 friends. Our wedding, our rules!

EK2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82cbb37a-99d5-490a-a4ea-c8ddb10ab2f5Post:11aa36cc-3b85-4487-be95-85e0d0f7ebb0">Re: Not inviting children</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting children : Love that idea. We thought about doing the whole kids table, etc in regards to the little ones.  I may just have to bite the bullet and invite all of them. 
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

<div>Just as a warning: I was about 13 when I was not invited to a cousin's wedding, but my parents were. My dad couldn't go, but my mom could. Had the invitation said, "2 seats have been reserved in your honor" I likely would have hoped I could have taken my dad's seat (as I would have read it as 2 were "reserved" to our family/my mom, and I was dying to go).</div><div>
</div><div>I get nervous about that wording for that reason.</div>

lily_721

It is perfectly fine to have your daughter without other children.  It is also OK to invite her first cousins as long as you invite the "full circle of first cousins."  People are going to grumble no matter what you do.  As long as you are fair and consistent, make your decision and move forward. 

My sister is getting married next year.  Immediately after announcing her engagement, a friend of hers commented how much friend's daughter is going to enjoy the wedding.  Hmmm???  I told my sister to make a quick decision and be firm.  She is drawing the line at their nieces/nephews only.

I think it is so presumptous when people assume their children will be invited.  I have two stepsons and whenever people mention inviting them to weddings.  We always tell them to invite them if they want but not to feel obligated.  The boys will have a good time at a wedding but they will also have a good time at grandma's.  I invited about 20+ children to my wedding.  I had a clear line and I still had people upset.

PP posted great ideas for the RSVPs.  You may still have to make phone calls due to children but most likely because people didn't RSVP.

bryemar

Good posts! It's good to see what other people's perspectives about children and weddings.

OP, my suggestions to your dilema is to give "duties" to your daughter's companions. Why not have 2 flower girls and 2 ring bearers? Or, 4 flower girls? Or if your daughter dance, maybe that can be part of the entertainment for the guests? So only girls in the dance performance are allowed in the wedding? 

I think it will be easier to tell people that only kids, who are in the wedding, will be attending than to pick and choose whose kids you want in your wedding. Plus, I am sure your daughter and her friend(s) will be excited to be included as part of the wedding . But you also have to remember that the parents of the kids will need to be invited. 

Another idea is to hire event sitters (either you pay for the sitters or include the info in your RSVP that parents should pay for it. See if you can get a deal with the sitter service and they can give you a flat rate so parents know how much it will costs), get a hotel room or two, tell the parents while they can enjoy their meal peacefully, their kids can get entertain in the hotel rooms with pizzas and sugary drinks . Parents can pick up their kids anytime they want after the wedding. You can probably have the kids at the ceremony and have someone shuttle them back to the hotel or wherever you choose. I know it sounds like a lot of work to do but it might make the parents feel better knowing that their kids are involve in the wedding....in a different way . Plus, rooms, pizzas and sugary drinks, and a litle decoration for the rooms are probably cheaper than $30/kid plus a headache and drama. I live in the bay area so1 kid will cost me at least $30 for just drinks and food. 

At the end, you have to remember that it is your wedding and you have a budget. Unless you are the daughter of Donald Trump, follow your budget because no one else is going to help you pay for that. 

Good luck OP!!