Mother Not Inviting Anyone to Wedding Shower

jcvegh

My maid of honor recently reached out to my sister and mother about planning my wedding shower. One of the questions was to hash out a guest list and get addresses to send out invites. My sister wrote back and said that the only people showing up from my family would be my sister, my mother and my sister-in-law. 

I called my mom to ask her if that was a mistake. Surely she'd be inviting close friends who are also coming to the wedding! My mother stated that no, she wasn't inviting anyone to the shower. She doesn't want to ask her guests to bring 2 gifts (1 to the shower, 1 to the wedding) and that I'm also well off and don't need anything. (I'm 30 years old living with my fiance), but that I can have the shower, but just invite my friends. 

What should I do in this situation? I've told her that not inviting anyone makes me feel sad and that she doesn't think I am deserving of a celebration. 

vanityink

She invited them to the wedding, obviously she thinks you deserve a celebration, just of your wedding, not to something her friends would be obligated to bring a gift. Trying to force her to invite them to a party all about you getting stuff sounds greedy. If she isn't comfortable with it, give a guest list of your friends and have your part with them. It's not up to your mom to hit up people for gifts for you if she doesn't want to. Let it go.

jcvegh

I guess my concern is that some family friends have already expressed excitement for the wedding day and all the traditional celebrations that lead up to it. I'm afraid that they might feel hurt that they weren't extended an invitations or think it's weird. 

misshart00

In Response to Re:Mother Not Inviting Anyone to Wedding Shower:[QUOTE]I guess my concern is that some family friends have already expressed excitement for the wedding day and all the traditional celebrations that lead up to it. I'm afraid that they might feel hurt that they weren't extended an invitations or think it's weird.nbsp; Posted by jcvegh[/QUOTE]

If people have expressed interest to you, you could include them on your list to the MOH.

Eta: but I agree with PP. If your MOH is only asking your mom for a list, let it go.

antibride2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-not-inviting-anyone-to-wedding-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:832b4bc4-e231-471e-91ff-05046d24cb04Post:104836e7-aa3f-46ab-af69-a6dfc7c0aa8e">Re: Mother Not Inviting Anyone to Wedding Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]She invited them to the wedding, obviously she thinks you deserve a celebration, just of your wedding, not to something her friends would be obligated to bring a gift. Trying to force her to invite them to a party all about you getting stuff sounds greedy. If she isn't comfortable with it, give a guest list of your friends and have your part with them. It's not up to your mom to hit up people for gifts for you if she doesn't want to. Let it go.
Posted by jessicadall[/QUOTE]

I agree with Jessica.  Trying to force mom to invite her friends to your shower, gift grabby.  Invite your friends, let it go.

antibride2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-not-inviting-anyone-to-wedding-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:832b4bc4-e231-471e-91ff-05046d24cb04Post:e8c13e6a-f9e6-4a1e-9c5c-36419a09fe83">Re: Mother Not Inviting Anyone to Wedding Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess my concern is that some family friends have already expressed excitement for the wedding day and all the traditional celebrations that lead up to it. I'm afraid that they might feel hurt that they weren't extended an invitations or think it's weird. 
Posted by jcvegh[/QUOTE]

I am sure the family friends would ask your mom about a shower if they really wanted to know about it.  Or you could say your mom is handling the details.  Just don't demand people be invited. 

jcvegh

@misshart00 My MOH was asking her to aid in helping her feel included. When my brother got married, my mom started a whole bunch of drama about not feeling like her input was included enough. So that's why my MOH was giving her the courtesy to ask her what she wanted to do with the shower. So far the answer has been "I'm not inviting anyone" and "I don't care what you do".

My mom is also the one who brought dessert trays for ONLY her guest's tables at my brother's wedding because she was upset he was only having cupcakes as dessert. lol. (obviously more to the story, ey?)

OliveOilsMom

I would not invite any of your mother's friends without her permission, but I would probably provide the name and addresses of my aunts to your MOH.  I would be telling my mom, that sorry, but I'm inviting my aunts.  If she wants to go ahead and call them, tell them not to attend, she will look like the foolish one.  It's just a party invitiation, the guests invited do not have to attend.  I provided the list of names and addresses to my MOH when she asked for them. 

renegade gaucho

If YOU would like these people invited to the shower and the host can accommodate them, then they can be added to the guest list.  You don't need your mom's permission to invite anyone.  However, if they really are just your mom's friends and not really close to you, I think it would be better not to invite them.

STARMOON44

Well it sure is fortunate your mother is neither planning nor hosting the event! If these women are purely your mothers friends and you don't know them at all, that's one thing, but my mom's friends have all known me for 25 years I'd be sad not to invite them and they'd be sad not to come!

jcvegh

@OliveOilsMom That's what I was thinking... I don't have any aunts or blood relatives. I do, though, have women (my mom's friends) who have had an active role in my life growing up that I would have wanted to include in the celebrations that my mom is choosing to exclude.

This isn't me being a gift grabber... this is me wanting to be surrounded by people I care about. Not Mrs. So-and-So that mom goes to Bridge Club meetings with on Wednesdays.  

I guess I didn't make myself clear, but appreciate the feedback from others.

jcvegh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-not-inviting-anyone-to-wedding-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:832b4bc4-e231-471e-91ff-05046d24cb04Post:04f31b54-fe7c-4ffa-b583-ee3bef5592f7">Re:Mother Not Inviting Anyone to Wedding Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Mother Not Inviting Anyone to Wedding Shower: I don't really understand what the problem is? Are these women you are close with or are they just your mom's friends? If its the latter, I would just let it go. Your mother must know these women pretty well. Maybe she knows their finances are tight? Maybe she knows they would be bored stiff? Maybe she is of the opinion, like many others, that bridal showers should just include the bride's nearest and dearest. You are very fortunate to have friends and family who love you and are throwing you a shower, regardless of the number of invitees. Many brides are not so lucky.
Posted by BartenderBW[/QUOTE]

<div>I wouldn't expect people I don't know to be invited. The people I would want invited would be those who I have known and had constant interaction with for my 30 years on earth who happen to be my mom's friends as well. I don't have aunts/cousins. My family's really small to begin with. I would like to have these people invited, though my mom is saying she's not inviting anyone. I should probably edit my original post.</div>

antibride2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-not-inviting-anyone-to-wedding-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:832b4bc4-e231-471e-91ff-05046d24cb04Post:3626f23a-ec97-46e2-992c-2ea22e20468a">Re:Mother Not Inviting Anyone to Wedding Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Mother Not Inviting Anyone to Wedding Shower : I wouldn't expect people I don't know to be invited. The people I would want invited would be those who I have known and had constant interaction with for my 30 years on earth who happen to be my mom's friends as well. I don't have aunts/cousins. My family's really small to begin with. I would like to have these people invited, though my mom is saying she's not inviting anyone. I should probably edit my original post.
Posted by jcvegh[/QUOTE]

Really, your mom has stated she doesn't want her friends to be out 2 gifts.  Let it go and respect your mom's wishes.  They are HER friends.  I know it sucks to have a small family, I have one aunt, one uncle and one cousin.  But if she doesn't want to invite them, respect your mother.  She knows her friends and if they would be insulted or saddened to not be invited to a shower a lot better than you would. 

Maggie0829

You do not need your Mother's permission to invite people to your shower.  If your host can afford to add them to the guest list and these are women that you really want there because they are close to you then include them on the guest list.  You are an adult and no longer need Mommy's permission to do things.

jcvegh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-not-inviting-anyone-to-wedding-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:832b4bc4-e231-471e-91ff-05046d24cb04Post:bb4fb29e-e49e-4321-ac6b-3a7b481783ef">Re:Mother Not Inviting Anyone to Wedding Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, it might help. Your original post was unclear. Btw, you may already know, but when you edit, put "ETA" and then your edits at the end. Don't change the original post otherwise everyone gets more confused. I only say this because I see this was your first post. Why don't you just include the people you want there on your guest list?
Posted by BartenderBW[/QUOTE]

<div>Ah, thanks! :) This is my first time posting to the boards.</div>

Simply Fated

I have family friends like these. They are people my mom was friends with before I was even born. They came over for dinner all the time, we spent holidays together and they babysat me when my parents went out. Now that I'm an adult, they include me in the adult conversations and all that. The only problem is... they're really only my mom's friends. I don't call them on my own to hang out or to spend time with them. I only ever actually see them through my mom. You originally said in your OP and subsequent posts they are your mom's friends. What is your relationship to them like? Do you frequently reach out to them on the phone or through emails? Do you invite them over? Do they invite you over? How often do you spend time with them without your mother present?

jcvegh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-not-inviting-anyone-to-wedding-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:832b4bc4-e231-471e-91ff-05046d24cb04Post:b29a34cc-3b6f-45a5-8f4e-bf4baf7ef950">Re: Mother Not Inviting Anyone to Wedding Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Mother Not Inviting Anyone to Wedding Shower : Do you consider any of these women to be your friends?  Thinking back to my shower, there were women that I grew up with and babysat their children.  As an adult, I work with them at my church and the relationship has changed. How supportive has your mom been of your relationship and upcoming marriage?  From your tone, it sounds like she may not be supportive of something (or maybe I'm reading too much into it).
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

<div>These women are those who I reach out to on my own time and not just with my mom present. </div><div>My mom's been fine with our relationship, or at least she's never said anything negatively about it. </div>

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-not-inviting-anyone-to-wedding-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:832b4bc4-e231-471e-91ff-05046d24cb04Post:2b4b63be-127e-44cb-a4eb-48db7acc5b89">Re: Mother Not Inviting Anyone to Wedding Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother Not Inviting Anyone to Wedding Shower : <strong>These women are those who I reach out to on my own time and not just with my mom present.</strong>  My mom's been fine with our relationship, or at least she's never said anything negatively about it. 
Posted by jcvegh[/QUOTE]

I consider the bolded to mean that they are your friends as well.  I would give your mom one more heads up and tell her that you are inviting these people.  That they have expressed interest to you in celebrating all of the events leading up to your wedding and that they will be invited to the shower.  Tell her that they do not have to attend, if they don't want to. 

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-not-inviting-anyone-to-wedding-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:832b4bc4-e231-471e-91ff-05046d24cb04Post:2b4b63be-127e-44cb-a4eb-48db7acc5b89">Re: Mother Not Inviting Anyone to Wedding Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother Not Inviting Anyone to Wedding Shower : These women are those who I reach out to on my own time and not just with my mom present.  My mom's been fine with our relationship, or at least she's never said anything negatively about it. 
Posted by jcvegh[/QUOTE]
If you were only friends with them through her, I would think it's weird, but since you're just as much friends with them as she is, then I say invite them. If they don't want to give you two gifts, they don't have to. It's not up for your mom to decide whether or not they get invited, though, since they're your friends, too.

BubblyBride75

You are an adult, your mom is an adult, these women are adults. If you want them there you should invite them. You know how your mom behaves so you probably know how to handle her, you know when to reason with her and when to just let her be and do what you think is best. These women are adults. If your mom is concerned about their finances remind her that they are adults who are free to make their own decision regarding the shower. You are not requiring them to attend by inviting them and certainly not requiring them to get you a gift. If they feel they cannot afford a gift at this time and do not want to show up empty handed they are free to simply RSVP "no". GL

dtbluv

I say invite them.

Also, this may be off base, but you mentioned there was drama with your mom during your brother's wedding planning stuff.  Maybe she is trying to avoid having any drama with your wedding, and is just going about it in the wrong way.