Wedding Etiquette Forum

Jack and Jill Shower...NEED HELP!!!

Ok, ladies. This is a desperate cry for advice. I am in quite a pickle with my fiancé, who is pretty upset with me right now. In my family it is tradition to do a bridal shower. Of course, only female guests of the wedding are involved, this is tradition. This is fine. On the other hand, my fiance’s family do Jack and Jill’s. This is also fine with me…except for the fact that anyone is invited—and they have to buy tickets…I am appalled by this. I think it is horribly tacky and I KNOW none of my family will attend. It just sounds like a fundraiser to me. I went to his sisters this past April (whom I was a bridesmaid for) and they charged $20 a person or $30 a couple. All food and drink was provided. They also did raffles (which cost extra) and all of the bridesmaids were asked to donate baskets (themed, for example, the one I did was a doggie one, bones, a water dish, a leash, treats, etc.) I think it’s a cute idea, but to charge people to come party with you, to me is ridiculous. I don’t know what to do, he said this is tradition in his family and he said if I think it’s embarrassing then don’t come. (YES! He REALLY did say that) He told me not to say that to his mom because it will offend her. I don’t know what to do!!! Should I stick it out? I also don’t want my family looking bad because they won’t partake in that type of event….I’m in a bind, ladies, help!!!!
«13

Re: Jack and Jill Shower...NEED HELP!!!

  • I would make it clear to your FI, so that he can make it clear to his mom, that you don't want your family and friends invited to this party.  However, I would attend, and I would do so with a smile on my face.  If his mom is really going to be offended if you don't show, or tell her you think it's tacky, make her happy.  Show up with a smile on your face and be gracious about it.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • I agree with you, it's in poor form to charge people to attend an event where they're expected to bring a gift anyway.  If it's regularly done on his side of the family, maybe there should be separate showers, one for your side and one for his.  Of course, it's all up to who decides to throw you one.
    imageimage
    Follow my book blog: Panda Reads
    Follow me on Goodreads: my read shelf:
    Sandra's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • I would do it for him and his family, but I wouldn't invite anyone from my side that might be offended (except my parents). 
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Please tell your FI that he sucks, for me. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. Oh my god, why do people this this is ok.
  • APproach it as you have enough money to have your wedding (whether you do or don't) and you don't need a fundraiser. Yes, it is a cultural difference, but he should not force you to participate in something that you think is offensive.

    FWIW, I have been to a co-ed shower where tickets were NOT sold, and there were no raffles. It was just like a bridal shower, but there were tool-type gifts for the groom and homegoods gifts for the bride. It turns out to be a big party that other couple or singles would be comfortable at, and you can invite both sides of the family.When someone says Jack and Jill shower, this is what I think of.

    Perhaps this would be a good compromise.  I agree that your wedding is not an appropriate occaision for a fundraiser, especially if you are inviting all those guests to teh wedding and are expecting an additional wedding gift from them.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_jack-jill-showerneed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:838d92d6-1638-440c-badb-78b78e818088Post:61a85955-6732-46d7-ac0e-da29e7f8ee71">Jack and Jill Shower...NEED HELP!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]he said if I think it’s embarrassing then don’t come.
    Posted by AnnaWhite_Capo[/QUOTE]

    <div>What the heck?</div>
  • Maybe a compromise would be a couple's shower/party without a cover charge?
  • He sounds like kind of a jerk.  He should be more understanding of the fact that you don't want this.  And to say 'if you don't like it, don't come'?  Biiitch please.
    image
  • Honestly, the message jack and jill parties gives is "were greedy, not only do we want gifts at a shower, and at the wedding, but we want to fundraise money off of you as well". I dont see how he can have a party fundraising for YOU (as a couple), without you there. Hes off his rocker.
  • If he's saying "then don't come" instead of compromising, perhaps you two need to talk about the importance of compromise.
  • Oof.  Dealbreaker.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_jack-jill-showerneed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:838d92d6-1638-440c-badb-78b78e818088Post:13759f3f-51f7-4825-8906-dd92d267566a">Re: Jack and Jill Shower...NEED HELP!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]If he's saying "then don't come" instead of compromising, perhaps you two need to talk about the importance of compromise.
    Posted by JessAndTrav[/QUOTE]

    <div>Hear, hear. I mean, really? Getting married means you're going to be taking two different backgrounds and deciding what works best for the two of you - this means compromise.</div>
  • Those types of parties are common in my area, and I grew up not seeing the big deal at all, grew up thinking they were normal, and they are certainly acceptable in some areas where I've lived. If it's important to him, then you should consider it, but make sure he knows your valid points as to why it's not acceptable to you. Have you ever thought of having a just a Jack and Jill shower (not the party/fundraiser style?) where you have the shower like you normally would, but invite the men also?
    image
  • This jack and jill fundraiser is horribly tacky, I would never want anyone to throw something like that in my honor.  Your wedding is not an opportunity for a fundraiser, and asking your guests to pay a cover is beyond rude.  The only way I could see this is if the money raised was going to somewhere to which a fundraiser is appropriate, like relief efforts to Haiti.  But even still, to do it at a shower is inappropriate.

    If I were you, I'd take your FI up on his comment, and just not go.  I'd ask him to explain to his mother that you aren't comfortable with a fundraiser style shower. 

    FWIW, Jack and Jill showers are very common in my area.  However, they are typically just backyard BBQs and no one charges a cover or tries to get anything from the guests.
  • MUD?
    2 of us- a bunch of you! Celebrating the whole night through!
  • also, is Anna White your real name? Not too smart, if so.
    image
  • Angned, when I see your name, I always think of angemet chicken.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_jack-jill-showerneed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:838d92d6-1638-440c-badb-78b78e818088Post:88c27658-f621-44f4-a0d0-b6ab9b32a251">Re: Jack and Jill Shower...NEED HELP!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Angned, when I see your name, I always think of angemet chicken.
    Posted by JessAndTrav[/QUOTE]


    WTF is that?
    2 of us- a bunch of you! Celebrating the whole night through!
  • HAHAHAHAHA. I think of it as "Agnes" but with a typo, which is wrong too.
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_jack-jill-showerneed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:838d92d6-1638-440c-badb-78b78e818088Post:86f6cd2a-4c22-4a6a-97e9-341f5dd9a95a">Re: Jack and Jill Shower...NEED HELP!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE] If I were you, I'd take your FI up on his comment, and just not go.  I'd ask him to explain to his mother that you aren't comfortable with a fundraiser style shower. 
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    All that would do is make HER look like a big mean jerk. It wouldn't convince them that these parties are wrong, it'll make them all think she's a giant b!tch. 
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • It's chicken that NEY ladies should cook for their men to get married, and at some point, a poster butchered the spelling so badly that we still remember it.

    Thanks glamour!

    http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2006/07/engagement-chicken
    image
    (Married)meganandshane.weebly.com~
    (Planning)shaneandmegan.weebly.com
  • Oh, Whit. I can always trust you to save the day.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_jack-jill-showerneed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:838d92d6-1638-440c-badb-78b78e818088Post:30913238-2b3c-4ce9-b4ed-2921e68f9508">Re: Jack and Jill Shower...NEED HELP!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]also, is Anna White your real name? Not too smart, if so.
    Posted by pumpkinpumpkin[/QUOTE]
    Yeah, her future last name is listed in her sig and her FI's first name is listed in her bio.  There are only a couple of people with his name in her area.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • "I desperately need help! Hurry and help me!

    Oh... and btw, I will never return and reply to any of you or even bother to thank you for your advice.

    HALP NOW!!!!!"
    image
  • Why are all my posts centering all of a sudden?  Grr.
    image
  • IT IS A DEPSRAET NEED 4 HALP!!!!!11!! SHE DOZNT LYK R RESPNSIS SO SHE AINT GUNNA COM BAK!!!!

  • Not quite sure why my name is such a big deal, but thats not my question here.

    I appreciate all of your feedback. I have discussed this with him and I think we are going to talk with his mom about doing a joint jack and jill with only invited guests of the wedding. This is what I wanted all along (minus the men) but if that's the compromise that I have to make, I'll be more than happy to accomodate. I'm more of a traditionalist. He understands why I think it's tacky as an outsider to the Jack and Jill circuit. However this is a tradition in his family and I need to be aware that some feelings might be hurt. First step will be talking to his mom and saving feelings. I would rather talk to her ahead of time and explain my point of view before she starts planning anything.
  • Wow, you ladies are tough in here. I guess I should asking for help on the non-bitch board.
  • Your name is an issue because of internet safety, sweetums.

    In other news, can I borrow your social security number?  You know, just for a sec?
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards