Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guest list struggles as friends pair off

We have had our guest list close to finalized and if anything we are looking to cut it.  It will already be a financial struggle for us to accommodate the people we are inviting.  We still have some time before invites have to go out so we know some changes will happen.  Right now though, all my friends are starting to get into relationships (FI's friends are all married so we've accounted for those).  These relationships are getting pretty serious since we are just at that point in our lives.  I know in an ideal world everyone would get to bring a plus one.  In my ideal world though my guest list would be 2/3 of what it is.  Engaged and married friends of course get to bring their SO.  What is the etiquette on friends in a relationship where we've never met their SO, they don't live together, and there is no ring involved?  Also, what if they are living together.  It would seem living together would almost mandate it where just dating might not...but that also seems unfair to people who don't live together for moral purposes.  My head is spinning between what the appropriate or nice thing to is and what we can afford.  All the friends I have in mind will know A LOT of other people at the wedding so it is not a comfort thing.  At this point though if I add someone's SO I don't know simply because of etiquette we'd have to cut people we do know and want to be at our wedding.

Re: Guest list struggles as friends pair off

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-struggles-friends-pair-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83976590-48bd-47d8-b1b0-0e3d2b6f1158Post:adc9236c-8bc8-4604-af58-99636ac27602">Guest list struggles as friends pair off</a>:
    [QUOTE]We have had our guest list close to finalized and if anything we are looking to cut it.  It will already be a financial struggle for us to accommodate the people we are inviting.  We still have some time before invites have to go out so we know some changes will happen.  Right now though, all my friends are starting to get into relationships (FI's friends are all married so we've accounted for those).  These relationships are getting pretty serious since we are just at that point in our lives.  I know in an ideal world everyone would get to bring a plus one.  In my ideal world though my guest list would be 2/3 of what it is.  Engaged and married friends of course get to bring their SO.  What is the etiquette on friends in a relationship where we've never met their SO, they don't live together, and there is no ring involved?  Also, what if they are living together.  It would seem living together would almost mandate it where just dating might not<strong>...but that also seems unfair to people who don't live together for moral purposes.</strong>  My head is spinning between what the appropriate or nice thing to is and what we can afford.  All the friends I have in mind will know A LOT of other people at the wedding so it is not a comfort thing.  At this point though if I add someone's SO I don't know simply because of etiquette we'd have to cut people we do know and want to be at our wedding.
    Posted by volleygurl0306[/QUOTE]

    That's why the only real acceptable way to do this is to invite anyone who is in a relationship with someone else -- it's impossible for you or me to judge the seriousness of someone's relationship and different couples move at different speeds.
    Lizzie
  • " we've never met their SO, they don't live together, and there is no ring involved?" You just described me and my bf's relationship, FWIW. It's not my fault you never met my SO. We don't live together for financial reasons. We're not set to start planning a wedding. But we've been together for 6 years. We're very much in love with no end to our relationship in sight. Does that help?
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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited January 2012
    SO means that they are exclusively dating (BF/GF). Significant others are not plus ones. SO are must invites. If you fail to invite your friend's or family member's SO expect them to decline the invite and judge you for your rudeness. So yes you must invite the SO. Make sure you put the SO's name on the invite.

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  • That is why we padded the list in case our friends got into a relationship during our 15 month engagement.   DH and I were engaged within a few months.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Well, it's not your friends' problem that you didn't take into consideration that they might be dating someone by the time your wedding rolled around. Don't make it their problem by excluding their SO.
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  • My Aunt and Uncle have been together longer than my parents..since the 70s.  They've never gotten married and I can't see it happening now.  Marriage/ring certainly isn't the catch all for very serious relationships, obvi.

    You really need to invite your guests with their SO. 
  • Definetly invite their SO - how do you know they won't get engaged before your wedding?  Your criteria is ambigous, and rude.  Sorry.
  • lilpandalilpanda member
    10 Comments
    edited January 2012
    I personally added plus ones to my single guests just incase as I did not want to be stuck in that situation, esp. on a tight budget. This way when invites go out I can determine if giving them the plus 1 will be necessary and I wont add in others so that way if they do get into a realtionship I ll still be able to add them in. I think this is the safest way to go. I know its hard when you are on budget. I have a max number so I did my best to have some wiggle room, but I also had leave out a few friends I would rather have there in order to do this (that part kinda sucks but I am on a budget/space limit, so random SO is not an option to have pop up for me).If you'r on a budget I advise you do this. I know its hard but maybe re-work your guest list and see what you can figure out. If it were a few weeks before or invites were already sent/sent back and then suddenly someone got a bf/gf, then I would say if you can great if not then don't worry. In this case it sounds like you have time to figure something out then maybe see if there is anything you can do? I dated my FI for 5 years before getting engaged so for me it would be akward for him to be invited and not me (or vice versa). If it were only a few weeks we were dating then I probably wouldn't care.
  • You've still got nine months, so you really need to leave some wiggle room in your guest list; many of our friends hooked up and/or broke up from the time we made our first list to the time the invitations went out. 

    If they consider themselves to have a bf/gf you need to invite that person, by name.  like PPs have said relationships move at very different paces; I was pretty certain I was going to marry my H about a month into our relationship.  It was 4 years before I actually had a ring on my finger, though, and we didn't move in together until we were engaged.  You don't want to hurt your friends' feelings (or piss them off) by juding their relationships. 
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  • I know how you are feeling. It really really sucks. Both my fiance and I are in the Military and from different states. He was in a fraternity in college, and many of his friends there hook up and break up. I've had to wiggle room into the guest list for their SOs that neither of us has met. It really sucks even more when I have to cut one of our friends that is close and we would much rather invite.

    However, I don't think it's okay to assume that just because you have a significant other, they are entitled to be at all your social events. I wouldn't have been offended if I was invited to a wedding without my fiance before we were engaged, but that's just me.

    Your best bet is to leave a little bit of wiggle room, but don't break your budget! Good luck!
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