How responsible is the Bride?

megannie

The BM dresses are in. Due to convenience, they were all shipped to me, as postage was free that way.  I have a friend who lives out of state who is a seamstress and offered to make a trip here to alter the dresses in order to save the girls some money (I did NOT ask her, she says she wants to do it. She is also in the wedding party.)

She has come up with two dates so far that she can come in order to do this. They are both at least a month in the future. I contacted the BM's to let them know the dates, and to check availability.

I have two who continue to say they are not available at all for any of these times. One might go shopping with her sister, the other may decide to do something else those days, and doesn't want to commit. None of these plans are scheduled or "concrete", they are just telling me no.

I then offered to send them their dresses at my cost, so that they could arrange for their own alterations, and got flack about them not having anyone to do it, and they want me to "handle" it.

Well, I'm trying to do just that, but they won't make themselves available on the dates that we can arrange.

I'm just wondering.....where my responsibility lies in this. Is it really my "job" to try to find an alternative for them?  The other girls who can't make it for their own reasons have agreed and arranged for their own alterations.

WalkersFurMama

I think you're being extremely accomodating. You've given them a free option for alterations and they're not taking it. Aside from maybe googling an alerations shop near them and saying "if I send you the dress, you could take to to Shop X," I think you have no other obligation or responsibilty. You can't have a dress altered for them without them there to try it on and have the pins put in, measurements taken, etc. 

[Deleted User]

It is not your job to get the dress altered to fit them. You have offered two dates where this can be done, I'm assuming free of charge. If they don't want to clear their schedules, ship them the dresses and they can deal with it.

You've really gone above and beyond, and this is not your responsibility.

HTH!

OliveOilsMom

It's their issue that they will not make themselves available for the free alterations.  I would respond with, "I have offered you two days to come and have your dress altered for free.  If you cannot make either of those dates, I'm not sure what else I can do for you.  If you do not know of any seamstresses, try asking some ladies at work for recommendations."

lyndausvi

No it's not your responsibility to get them altered.       They have 2 choices:    Come to town on those days or get it done themselves.    Pretty simple to me.


BTW - Ive been an OOT BM 3 times and bride for that matter.   Alterations have never  been a problem for me.  Twice I had them done where I live.  Twice where they wedding was.  NBD.

Maggie0829

I would just ship them their dresses and let them handle it.  At this point you are just adding unnecessary stress onto yourself.

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-responsible-is-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83d51669-9658-4e13-95df-85e41a610326Post:bbf435d5-2dcf-44e1-9b7e-dd67e7366913">Re: How responsible is the Bride?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you're being extremely accomodating. You've given them a free option for alterations and they're not taking it. Aside from maybe googling an alerations shop near them and saying "if I send you the dress, you could take to to Shop X," I think you have no other obligation or responsibilty. You can't have a dress altered for them without them there to try it on and have the pins put in, measurements taken, etc. 
Posted by WalkersFurMama[/QUOTE]

<div>This. What the hell do they mean they "don't have anyone to do it"?  Have they never heard of Google or the yellow pages? How do they expect you to handle it if they won't come get fitted?! Doing it themselves or coming when your seamstress is available are their only options, and they rejected both. </div><div>
</div><div>How close are you with these women?  Their excuses are flimsy and it sounds like they don't really care if it ever gets done or if they are in the wedding at all. I'm not suggesting you kick them out, of course. I will be curious to see if they take themselves out, though, b/c this is very suspicious if you ask me. </div>

AJuliaNJ

 I would just send them out. Then leave it up to them whether they come on the day your other friend is coming in or get it done themselves. They are not going to want to show up in an ill-fitting dress so once the dress is in their hands, it will work itself out. I think you'll feel less responsibility immediately once they are physically out of your hands.

megannie

Honestly?  It has been stressful and upsetting. My fiancee was there last weekend when we were at dinner with one of them, who happens to be my Matron of Honor, and I told her personally that my friend was coming home, and the dates, and her response was, "Well, I can't commit because I may decide to go out of town that weekend."

My fiancee just stared at her for a  minute. Then he said, "Do you have plans to go out of town? OR are you just saying you may feel like it at that time?"

She said, "I may feel like it at that time."

And he literally said, "Well, since she is giving you notice that the seamstress is coming in that weekend, why don't you decide now not to go THAT weekend so you can be around to get your dress altered?" 

And she was visibly pissed. And honestly, so was he. He was like WTF? you know?

But when I tell them I will just leave the alterations up to them then, which is fine with me, they tell me I have to take care of it because they don't have anyone to do it. And then they blow me off again. He said the same thing, just ship them the dress, and let it go.

But they've TOLD me not to do this............so I just wasn't sure where to go from here.

Hummingbird125

Ugh. Your BM's sound really frustrating to deal with. I'd just tell them (again), that you have a friend who has offered to alter their dresses for them, but she's coming on X date, and if they're not available for that date then they are going to have to figure out an alternate plan. Then let them know that you are shipping their dresses to them since there is no way for you to get them altered without the wearer present.

SlothGoals

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-responsible-is-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83d51669-9658-4e13-95df-85e41a610326Post:76b7fc2a-3fc4-4207-9087-958c75c8b173">Re: How responsible is the Bride?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly?  It has been stressful and upsetting. My fiancee was there last weekend when we were at dinner with one of them, who happens to be my Matron of Honor, and I told her personally that my friend was coming home, and the dates, and her response was, "Well, I can't commit because I may decide to go out of town that weekend." My fiancee just stared at her for a  minute. Then he said, "Do you have plans to go out of town? OR are you just saying you may feel like it at that time?" She said, "I may feel like it at that time." And he literally said, "Well, since she is giving you notice that the seamstress is coming in that weekend, why don't you decide now not to go THAT weekend so you can be around to get your dress altered?"  And she was visibly pissed. And honestly, so was he. He was like WTF? you know? But when I tell them I will just leave the alterations up to them then, which is fine with me, they tell me I have to take care of it because they don't have anyone to do it. And then they blow me off again. He said the same thing, just ship them the dress, and let it go. <strong>But they've TOLD me not to do this</strong>............so I just wasn't sure where to go from here.
Posted by megannie[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That's just rude that they've told you explicitly not to send them the dresses. I would explain to them that you cannot get their alterations done if they are not wearing the dress in front of a seamstress. If they complain again then I would just schedule an appointment for them at a seamstress near their home, send the dress there and tell them the day and time. That's what they're asking for, right?

</div>

[Deleted User]

Honestly, I'd just ship the dresses with a note saying "sorry you couldn't make it on the days my seamstress was available. Looking forward to seeing you at the wedding!"

If they don't get them altered, they're the ones who will look like idiots with ill fitting dresses. It is their job to get them altered. Part of the "showing up on the day, in the dress" rule means the dress is their domain. I'd literally get the dresses out of your hands so it's no longer your issue. If they complain say "I'm sorry but the option I offered you for alterations didn't work for you. I hope you find something that does" and change the subject.

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-responsible-is-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83d51669-9658-4e13-95df-85e41a610326Post:76b7fc2a-3fc4-4207-9087-958c75c8b173">Re: How responsible is the Bride?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly?  It has been stressful and upsetting. My fiancee was there last weekend when we were at dinner with one of them, who happens to be my Matron of Honor, and I told her personally that my friend was coming home, and the dates, and her response was, "Well, I can't commit because I may decide to go out of town that weekend." My fiancee just stared at her for a  minute. Then he said, "Do you have plans to go out of town? OR are you just saying you may feel like it at that time?" She said, "I may feel like it at that time." And he literally said, <strong>"Well, since she is giving you notice that the seamstress is coming in that weekend, why don't you decide now not to go THAT weekend so you can be around to get your dress altered?" </strong> And she was visibly pissed. And honestly, so was he. He was like WTF? you know? But when I tell them I will just leave the alterations up to them then, which is fine with me, they tell me I have to take care of it because they don't have anyone to do it. And then they blow me off again. He said the same thing, just ship them the dress, and let it go. But they've TOLD me not to do this............so I just wasn't sure where to go from here.
Posted by megannie[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes. This is exactly what I was thinking!  Good for your fiance for stating the obvious!  I would either go ahead and ship them the dress anyway or just not and assume they have taken themselves out of the wedding unless they contact you again about it. Either way, wash your hands of it. 

</div>

Maggie0829

Your BMs are being incredibly rude.  Getting alterations done is their responsibility not yours.  Ship the dresses and tell them that since you could not get a concensus on when everyone would be available to use the seamstress you were going to provide that it is now their responsibility to get the alterations done on their own.  And leave it at that.

These woman are adults but they are acting like hormonal teenagers.

zantster

Since they paid for them (right?) the dresses belong to them.  Send an email one last time telling them you've double and triple checked every option and that if they prefer that you "handle it" then those two dates are all you have left to offer.  If they cannot make those then you will ship them to them because they paid for them so you cannot possibly hold on to someone else's property.  Then put the ball in their court and say if any of them have any other suggestions feel free to let you know because you're all out of ideas.  It sounds lke a bit of jealousy might be in play but of course I don't know them enough to be sure.  But even if they all pull out over this then so be it.  You don't want people who would do that to you to stand up next to you anyway.

TayBeach2013

Eww, and these are your friends??  Glad your FI stuck up for you; I don't know how you kept your cool, especially when MOH got mad.  Ship the dresses and be done with it, there's no reason this should your issue.

mcda04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-responsible-is-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83d51669-9658-4e13-95df-85e41a610326Post:751b063b-3d61-42c7-b471-3f80621557db">Re: How responsible is the Bride?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, <strong>I'd just ship the dresses with a note saying "sorry you couldn't make it on the days my seamstress was available. Looking forward to seeing you at the wedding!"</strong> If they don't get them altered, they're the ones who will look like idiots with ill fitting dresses. It is their job to get them altered. Part of the "showing up on the day, in the dress" rule means the dress is their domain. I'd literally get the dresses out of your hands so it's no longer your issue. If they complain say "I'm sorry but the option I offered you for alterations didn't work for you. I hope you find something that does" and change the subject.
Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]

This.

AJuliaNJ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-responsible-is-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83d51669-9658-4e13-95df-85e41a610326Post:76b7fc2a-3fc4-4207-9087-958c75c8b173">Re: How responsible is the Bride?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly?  It has been stressful and upsetting. My fiancee was there last weekend when we were at dinner with one of them, who happens to be my Matron of Honor, and I told her personally that my friend was coming home, and the dates, and her response was, "Well, I can't commit because I may decide to go out of town that weekend." My fiancee just stared at her for a  minute. Then he said, "Do you have plans to go out of town? OR are you just saying you may feel like it at that time?" She said, "I may feel like it at that time." And he literally said, "Well, since she is giving you notice that the seamstress is coming in that weekend, why don't you decide now not to go THAT weekend so you can be around to get your dress altered?"  And she was visibly pissed. And honestly, so was he. He was like WTF? you know? But when I tell them I will just leave the alterations up to them then, which is fine with me, they tell me I have to take care of it because they don't have anyone to do it. And then they blow me off again. He said the same thing, just ship them the dress, and let it go. But they've TOLD me not to do this............so I just wasn't sure where to go from here.
Posted by megannie[/QUOTE]

I  might be wrong in asking this, but is it at all possible that you unintentionally slighted her or blew her off in the past few weeks? Her attitude seems a little retaliatory. Could you reach out to her and have a totally non-wedding related talk and see what comes up? Otherwise, she just seems like a mean girl. 

This reminds me of something I went through with a bridesmaid. "Out of nowhere" my MOH called me to say that one of my bridesmaids called her and said she wanted nothing to do with my bachelorette party (which hadn't even been planned). I thought she was just being a jerk, but it turned out that she was actually angry at me. I had told her that I would be able to come to her birthday (I live 6 hours away, but was supposed to be in town for work that weekend), and then backed out (because my work meeting was cancelled). I had no idea that my presence at her birthday was so important to her. I also learned that it was going to cost her $1000 extra in flights just to be in town for my wedding since she usually leaves early to go visit her parents in another country for the summer. So, I just booked a flight myself so I could go to her birthday and things have been great since then. I feel like bridesmaids become more sensitive to this stuff when they are putting out time/money to be in your wedding.

This could have nothing to do with your issue, but I'd see if you could find out if there is an underlying issue here.

Peledreamsofrain

I have zero patience for immature catty nonsense from my friends. I'd ship the dresses back to the bridal shop and get my money back. If they ask where their dress is, just shrug and say you got their hint and returned it. They'll probably act like you are being mean, but that wouldn't make me shed a tear. Good riddance.

ladytori

I was in a wedding with a maid of honor who chose not to schedule alterations until a week before the wedding, and she was told it could not be completed in time. She had to stuff socks in her dress to make it fit better. (I'm not joking.) Throughout the day, the socks were slipping, and the dress didn't look good on her.

Tell your "too busy" BMs that the seamstress will be up on this date if they would like free alterations.

If they choose not to, they should know to:
(1) find and pay for alterations on their own
(2) or wear a dress that doesn't fit.

blferguson1s

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-responsible-is-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83d51669-9658-4e13-95df-85e41a610326Post:4d36bfb6-43e9-4981-b865-352ef6d61a48">Re:How responsible is the Bride?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have zero patience for immature catty nonsense from my friends. I'd ship the dresses back to the bridal shop and get my money back. If they ask where their dress is, just shrug and say you got their hint and returned it. They'll probably act like you are being mean, but that wouldn't make me shed a tear. Good riddance.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

You may not be able to get your money back. It all depends on your bridal shop. I had a BM who had to back out a week after the dress order went out. I called the store, and they said they couldn't change the order. I had already paid for the dress in full, and I can't return it.

Also, I haven't seen that OP paid for the dresses (sorry if I missed it). If the dresses were paid for by the BMs, they need to be sent to their owners. If not, they could probably be sold online or to a consignment shop.

TheBaysideBride

Ship them to your friends and be done with it. You have one dress to worry about - your own.

Jen4948

I'd just ship the dresses to your friends and make them responsible for any alterations necessary.   If they complain, tell them, "Unfortunately, you've indicated that you can't make yourselves available on any of the dates my seamstress can work with you, so I have no choice but to leave this in your hands."  And stop the conversation at that point.

lizap77

I'm going to say don't ship it unless you absolutely have to. What was the original agreement? I get that shipping all of the dresses to you saved them money, but what was their plan to get them from you originally? I kind of think that's messed up that you would be expected to ship it to them after you saved them the money by having it shipped to your house. It totally defeats the purpose. Is it possible to give it to them next time you see them? You mentioned having dinner with one, maybe she expected you to bring it then and she was annoyed you didn't (and assuming you live close enough to have dinner, she could definitely be offended you wanted to MAIL her the dress as opposed to bringing it to her).

As for the "possibly busy weekend"... wtf? Is she dating someone new out of town? Maybe she didn't want to say anything with FI around about what her possible plans were. I can see some things that aren't yet set in stone that I wouldn't want to cut out for sure because I had to be in town to get a dress altered. As sad as it is, getting a dress altered is not as fun as a weekend getaway. Even if it saves $20. Maybe there's more to the story?? I hope... Sounds like a girls night without FI could be helpful.

There's also the chance they don't think their dresses will need to be altered. Honestly I ordered a bm dress recently and have no intention of having it altered. I did have it shipped to myself so if it needs to be done I can, but when I tried it on in the store it fit perfectly. I would still see if you could hang out and give it to them then, just so the responsibility is on them. As long as you have the dresses they have an excuse for why they can't do it themselves. You could also check Yelp and give them the name of someone in their area with good reviews. 

aquari0216

Those bitches! and I appreciate you being nicer than I wouldve....

reppunzel

Yikes!  So sorry you're having to deal with this.

I'd suggest:
1.)  An email to them all once the date for the seamstress' visit has been finalized.  Something along the lines of:  "If you would like to have <name /> do your alterations free of charge, the date for the fitting is month/day.  If you do not come, I will assume that you are making your own arrangements."

2.)  After the fitting day(s) has come and gone, contact any no-shows.  "Hi bridesmaid,  We missed you at the fitting day.  What's the best way for me to get your dress to you if you'd like to arrange for alterations done?  It will cost $xx to ship it, or if you'd like to save the money, I'd be glad to meet you somewhere."

3.)  If they don't make arrangements to get the dress, then it hangs in your closet until they do or until the wedding day when they sure better hope it fits.

I think you've gone above and beyond and are getting very immature responses.  I don't even think you're required to pay to ship the dresses to them if they agreed to the original shipping arrangement.  You've arranged two opportunities for them to either get fitted or at least pick up the dress, and it's not your responsibility beyond that.  Now of course, if one of them's down with the puking flu the day of the fitting, that's one thing, but it doesn't sound like that's the sort of problem you're dealing with.

Andama08

I agree with the previous posts. I told my girls if they knew of someone they felt comfortable enough with they were more than welcome to use them. I also gave a list of some recommendations and a good time in which to start getting fitted. They are all grown so after that it is up to them. I'd even come with them if they asked but I'm not setting appoinments and such, I have my own gown to worry about.

ashkay07

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-responsible-is-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83d51669-9658-4e13-95df-85e41a610326Post:76b7fc2a-3fc4-4207-9087-958c75c8b173">Re: How responsible is the Bride?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly?  It has been stressful and upsetting. My fiancee was there last weekend when we were at dinner with one of them, who happens to be my Matron of Honor, and I told her personally that my friend was coming home, and the dates, and her response was, "Well, I can't commit because I may decide to go out of town that weekend." My fiancee just stared at her for a  minute. Then he said, "Do you have plans to go out of town? OR are you just saying you may feel like it at that time?" She said, "I may feel like it at that time." And he literally said, "Well, since she is giving you notice that the seamstress is coming in that weekend, why don't you decide now not to go THAT weekend so you can be around to get your dress altered?"  And she was visibly pissed. And honestly, so was he. He was like WTF? you know? But when I tell them I will just leave the alterations up to them then, which is fine with me, they tell me I have to take care of it because they don't have anyone to do it. And then they blow me off again. He said the same thing, just ship them the dress, and let it go. But they've TOLD me not to do this............so I just wasn't sure where to go from here.
Posted by megannie[/QUOTE]

Wow. At this point, I would just call them up and say here are your options:
1. You come here on one of these dates and get your dress altered for free.
2. I'll ship your dress to you and you can figure it out yourself
If they come back and say they can't do either, then I would say "it's that or I'm gonna have to find someone else who cares enough to work with me." Then I would try getting my money back for their dresses (if you paid for them) and finding someone else close that would be willing to take their place. They don't sound like very good bridesmaids, let alone friends.