Am I being selfish?

jkln50

I've been planning our wedding for quite awhile now, and I've put HOURS of work into it.  I had everything finalized, decor, catering, cake, etc., and I did all of this with my fiance's approval. Well, his family hears what we have planned, and they hate it. I love formal weddings, and that's how ours planned. But his family is from a place where money is a problem for everyone, and they like simple, inexpensive weddings.

They told my fiance they wanted to change everything about our wedding to make it a simple, country affair. They want to do a potluck dinner and wear jeans.

Am I being crazy? I'm the one paying for the wedding, not them. If I want a dramatic and fancy wedding, shouldn't I be able to have it? It is MY wedding, afterall. Not theirs.

NatandIsaac

No, you're not being selfish. If you and your FI want to spend your money on a lavish wedding, then you are entitled to do so. I would just say "thank you for your suggestions, but the plans that we have reflect the wedding we want."

Loopyseven

If you and FI are paying and are in agreement on this I see no reason not to continue with your plans.  

If you planned a fancy black-tie only affair and it would be a financial hardship for FI's family to rent tuxes and stuff for it, than that's a little douche-y not to consider your guests situations before making fancy plans.

Is it local for your FI's family or do they have to travel?  Are they preferring you do it at their home vs. yours?

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8482aeec-29e0-493e-a06e-bb88d3cf51acPost:820c45b5-a84c-4377-bf22-d97759602b6a">Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been planning our wedding for quite awhile now, and I've put HOURS of work into it.  I had everything finalized, decor, catering, cake, etc., and I did all of this with my fiance's approval. Well, his family hears what we have planned, and they hate it. I love formal weddings, and that's how ours planned. But his family is from a place where money is a problem for everyone, and they like simple, inexpensive weddings. They told my fiance they wanted to change everything about our wedding to make it a simple, country affair. They want to do a potluck dinner and wear jeans. Am I being crazy? I'm the one paying for the wedding, not them. If I want a dramatic and fancy wedding, shouldn't I be able to have it? It is MY wedding, afterall. Not theirs.
Posted by jkln50[/QUOTE]

No you are not crazy.  Especially if you and your Fi are paying for the whole thing you can have whatever wedding you want.  My MIL would have preferred a low-key, not get dressed up type of wedding, but I wasn't having it.  Just say I'm sorry its not what you're used to but this is the wedding we have chosen to have.

MegaMultitasker

Well, it's "your" wedding and fiance's.

With that being said, you should not be having to fight this alone.  Your FI needs to pick a side (it should be yours) and tell his family, this is how it's going to be.  If he supports your dream wedding, that's what matters.  Is he comfortable with the formal wedding?  If not, you both need to have an honest discussion and get on the same page.

My FMIL (love her, but omg) has an opinion on everything--I stopped telling her plans.  I told FI to stop telling her how much everything costs. Result= PEACE AND QUIET. 

Weddings should be about blending families together and you can't completely disregard feelings throughout this process; but you've got your plans, YOU are paying for it, you call the shots.

It defienitely requires some skill to balance everyone's interests and wants, but in the end, you and FI make the call

jkln50

They're having to travel about 2 hours to the location. But they can wear khaki's or slacks, and we're paying for the wedding party's attire.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8482aeec-29e0-493e-a06e-bb88d3cf51acPost:2097f96f-16f4-485f-b679-fdccaeece690">Re: Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE] Weddings should be about blending families together and you can't completely disregard feelings throughout this process.  Posted by MegaMultitasker[/QUOTE]

I hate this way of thinking about weddings.  You aren't blending two families.  You are creating one new family with your FI.  You're not combining yours and his families.  And I don't mean it against you personally, I just hate when I see it mentioned as a joining of 2 families. 

brilibby4

You are not being crazy.  If you and your fiance are paying for the wedding and this is how the two of you want it then his family will have to get over it.  I would thank them for their suggestions but say you are both happy with the wedding you have planned.  I agree that your fiance needs to stand up to his family.

Kristin789

You don't have a FMIL problem.

You have a FI problem.

You wrote this:
>>They told my fiance they wanted to change everything

Yeah, so they told your FI they wanted to change everything, and then what?

Your FI told you all about it.  That's a huge problem.

Here's what should have happened:

FI should have said:  "Look Mom, I understand that our family hosts weddings that are very different from this one.  But Mr. and Mrs. Smith have generously offered to host this wedding for us, so this wedding is going to look like the weddings from THEIR side, not our side.  Now, the groom's side DOES host the RD, and we can do that however we want, we can make whatever choices we want to make that a more casual event, like a pizza party or a BBQ.  So let's talk about that.  What ideas do you have for the RD?  Do you want to get together next Saturday morning -  how about if I pick up you and dad for breakfast like at 9:30 and we'll make some lists and get started on the RD."

And if FMIL said anything else, FI should say again and again:  "No, Mr. and Mrs. Smith are hosting the wedding, and that decision would be theirs.  But we can do that in the RD.  Let's talk about the RD."

Loopyseven

Kristen - yet again you bring an interesting view.  Her FI should under no circumstances tell/ask/assume that his parents will have anything to do with paying for the RD.  If they offer, then he can go ahead and work on plans with them for that.  But to ask or tell them that they need to or should is rude.

And OP is not clear on whether SHE or her parents are paying.  I read her OP as saying that she is paying (I assumed it was her and her FI).  So bringing her parents into it has nothing to do with anything.

chrissyjake

Why do you have everything finalized for a wedding that is two and a half years away?  Just saying.....

ootmother2

Kristen, OP stated that she is paying for the wedding.  It's not nessary to assume that her parents are paying.

SHE is paying so she gets the say

MegaMultitasker

That's a good point, it is about FI and Bride making their own marriage work for them and starting a new family!

 I guess I think of it as "blending" because we enter marriage with our own experiences/baggage/values from family relationships, and we're taking the best of our family experiences and learning from the mistakes they made or what could be done better.  Both of our families LOVE to give input, for better or worse,  but ultimately we make an executive decision. 

I don't think it's healthy to view a marriage as an isolated entity, like "it's just us", 100% of the time. It's a little extreme.  Weddings are emotional and makes people crazy, and not every gets their ideal situation.  It's not good to go through a wedding/marriage/family saying "screw you all, we're doing what we want." It's ok to disagree respectfully, family should respect the couple's decision (with anything), and if they don't then they're at fault. 

Once a couple's married, the families don't disappear (especially our very well-intentioned mothers...think Big Fat Greek Wedding and Everybody loves Raymond, you have our moms), and the R's and H's  share two children that love each other (me and FI).  I'm not going to cut off a relationship with my sisters because I'm married now. I wouldn't want him to stop being close to his parents. Those bonds will continue, but in a different way. 

 My family doesn't need to be BFFs with his family (which "blended" has that connotation).  I meant "blending" as I'm now a part of his family, he's a part of mine, and we're fortunate that for the most part we get along very well, we have our differences and disagreements,but I love and respect them because they formed who my fiance is today and he loves my fam. because they made me who i am.
 

jkln50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8482aeec-29e0-493e-a06e-bb88d3cf51acPost:200c8542-f0ac-4e05-a81a-9ed01f01350f">Re: Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why do you have everything finalized for a wedding that is two and a half years away?  Just saying.....
Posted by chrissyjake[/QUOTE]

Because I'm a perfectionist and like to plan ahead. I'm not judging you for waiting until months to plan yours. Don't judge me for planning mine two years in advanced. At least when it comes time to have my wedding, I won't be stressing out.

chrissyjake

Sorry if you feel like I'm judging you for it.  I myself would be worried that I would change my mind on too many things by then.

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8482aeec-29e0-493e-a06e-bb88d3cf51acPost:8b78ed34-5d40-4193-b2af-127ceda0f7a2">Re: Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being selfish? : Because I'm a perfectionist and like to plan ahead. I'm not judging you for waiting until months to plan yours. Don't judge me for planning mine two years in advanced.<strong> At least when it comes time to have my wedding, I won't be stressing out.
</strong>Posted by jkln50[/QUOTE]

hahahahahha!  That might be the funniest thing I've ever read.  This is what I do for a living - plan things, put on shows.  Trust me, no matter how far ahead you plan, no matter how much you've done this, you will always be stressing more than you think you will.

Anyway, you're not crazy, but I don't really see what the problem is.  They want things to change - too bad.  You - or probably better, your fiance - just say, "I realize it's not what you're used to but we think you'll enjoy this too" and move on.

Manwaithiel

You'll be stressed anyway, and planning SO far ahead is going to stress you out whether you think so or not.

And yeah. You pay. You say. If you're paying for everyone's attire and the demands to attend your wedding aren't unreasonble (and it sounds like you're willing to help out when needed) then you do as you want.

And potlucks are extremely rude. Just saying. You'll get many sideyes from that.

Kristen, for goodness sake. READ THE  POSTS. You are always, ALWAYS putting in information that does not pretain to the OP, but rather to your own little fantasy of how all weddings in this world are (bride's parents pay for everything, FI's parents pay for RD, etc.) She said in the very beginning that she's paying for it. Most of your commentary was completely unrelated to their situation. They're paying. So "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" don't exist in this equation. And you should never assume the FI's parents want to pay for the RD and it doesn't sound like it's something they'd be able to swing.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8482aeec-29e0-493e-a06e-bb88d3cf51acPost:8b78ed34-5d40-4193-b2af-127ceda0f7a2">Re: Am I being selfish?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being selfish? : Because I'm a perfectionist and like to plan ahead. I'm not judging you for waiting until months to plan yours. Don't judge me for planning mine two years in advanced. At least when it comes time to have my wedding, I won't be stressing out.
Posted by jkln50[/QUOTE]

Seriously?  I planned my entire wedding in 5 months because we had to bump up the date.  And the absolute only thing that I was stressed about was the constant changes to the guest list, which happens no matter how long or short you plan for.  So that's a pretty irrational assumption to make on your part.  And as a PP said, I would imagine it's going to be more stressful for you will change your mind, certain things won't be in stock anymore, prices will change, etc. 

kellyjellybelly

You know, not everyone gets stressed about wedding planning.  I'm not sure how telling someone they are going to be so stressed out is going to help anything.  I planned pretty far in advance and really wasn't stressed at all.  

Pesapenny

This situation is ridiculous! Do what you want- after all, it's just a party celebrating the two of you- how it's done is just icing on the cake. Shrug off the complaints, and don't address or validate them. In fact, don't bring the topic up ever again. If she tries, or anyone else, (well, you and your FH need to be on the same page), politely say, "that does sound nice, but not what I've planned." PERIOD, end of story.

If FMIL is incessant still, suggest that over the summer they can host a BBQ, and you'll be more then happy to bring the fruit salad and wear your dungarees.

musicalsunlight

As many PP's said, you are perfectly within reason to continue your plans as you would like them. My FI and I are using both our funds and assistance from my parents for our wedding, and his family, at this point, is not paying for anything. We are completely fine with that, because we did not expect it, and they are also, like your FI's family, more financially troubled and live a more simple lifestyle. My FI has stated many times that if his family had any say, we would be marrying in their backyard and eating dinner at his grandparent's house. Nothing wrong with that, but because we/my parents are paying, we are having a more formal wedding and not asking much of his family. Even if they had voiced objections on the style of wedding, (which they haven't), I would still proceed as planned because it is how my FI and I want it. I hope things look up for your wedding planning, stick to your guns!