Wedding Etiquette Forum

Talk with FMIL about etiquette

I kind of need to have a talk with her about etiquette. I know over the boards I have learned that having invites to the dinner and separate invites to the dance is not acceptable. FMIL thinks that we need to have people invited to dance only because they were a part of her babies life, which could mean they met FI once in his life.

I told her that we are not going to be doing that and that if they are invited to the dance they will be invited to it all. She thinks that means we will be having more guest so instead of having 200 she thinks we need to up our numbers to 300.

Thing is, she is not paying for the wedding, my parents are and the budget is for 200 people. How do I tell her that we will have to cut those people out and that she will have to deal with it?

Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette

  • Your fiance needs to have a chat with her, not you.  Obviously this means that your fiance agrees with you... if not, you have other problems.
  • Give her a set number of people she can invite to the wedding.  That is her list.  Tell her she cannot invite any more and that the budget is set for 200 people max.  Also tell her that you are not inviting people later as it is rude and it is not happening.  Make sure your Fl is backing you up on this. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_talk-with-fmil-about-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:852d35d4-a43d-4d14-aa6b-9c0ab6e180a6Post:856bceb4-9424-465c-8aba-815f2b7e6a54">Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your fiance needs to have a chat with her, not you.  Obviously this means that your fiance agrees with you... if not, you have other problems.
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    FI agrees with me, he understands we can only have so many people. And the 200 basically covers family up to great aunts and uncles with maybe a few of our own friends. So if the numbers are raised a little we feel they should be for FI and my friends not FMILs friends.
  • I would have your fiance talk to her.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_talk-with-fmil-about-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:852d35d4-a43d-4d14-aa6b-9c0ab6e180a6Post:bc5188f0-fd58-45d7-9195-05233585644b">Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette : FI agrees with me, he understands we can only have so many people. And the 200 basically covers family up to great aunts and uncles with maybe a few of our own friends. So if the numbers are raised a little we feel they should be for FI and my friends not FMILs friends.
    Posted by MrsL2014[/QUOTE]
    So the guest list is finalized? If so, just have your FI tell her that. "Mom, the guest list is done. We won't be inviting anymore people to anything."
    Word of advice, DON'T throw, "My parents are paying for it" in their faces otherwise they'll offer to cover the extra costs and that'll leave you in an even more annoying position.
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_talk-with-fmil-about-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:852d35d4-a43d-4d14-aa6b-9c0ab6e180a6Post:20dcf047-facf-4230-b178-bb221e11cb65">Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette : So the guest list is finalized? If so, just have your FI tell her that. "Mom, the guest list is done. We won't be inviting anymore people to anything." Word of advice, DON'T throw, "My parents are paying for it" in their faces otherwise they'll offer to cover the extra costs and that'll leave you in an even more annoying position.
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    No guest list is not final yet. We still have awhile till our wedding, but we just want to get numbers. Thing is we both have very big families and the 200 guest would cover basically all family to great aunts and uncles, not leaving much room for friends.

    As for the money deal, I would never throw it in her face that my parents are paying for it. I dont think they would be able to cover the other cost anyways though, but if they did I would have no problem having them bring extra guest.

    My deal is that if my parents are paying for it then I feel they should have the option to have their friends before she gets hers.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_talk-with-fmil-about-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:852d35d4-a43d-4d14-aa6b-9c0ab6e180a6Post:bc5188f0-fd58-45d7-9195-05233585644b">Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette : FI agrees with me, he understands we can only have so many people. And the 200 basically covers family up to great aunts and uncles with maybe a few of our own friends. So if the numbers are raised a little we feel they should be for FI and my friends not FMILs friends.
    Posted by MrsL2014[/QUOTE]

    Excellent.  Then just have your fiance say "Mom, this is how many people you get.  Fill it as you like" and be firm.

    Good luck!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_talk-with-fmil-about-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:852d35d4-a43d-4d14-aa6b-9c0ab6e180a6Post:e5aecdb3-ba2f-47f4-b4e4-03b542fe2883">Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette : No guest list is not final yet. We still have awhile till our wedding, but we just want to get numbers. Thing is we both have very big families and the 200 guest would cover basically all family to great aunts and uncles, not leaving much room for friends. As for the money deal, I would never throw it in her face that my parents are paying for it. I dont think they would be able to cover the other cost anyways though, but if they did I would have no problem having them bring extra guest. My deal is that if my parents are paying for it then I feel they should have the option to have their friends before she gets hers.
    Posted by MrsL2014[/QUOTE]
    If the guest list isn't final, just let them know how many people they can invite and leave it at that. Have your FI tell them, "This is how many people there is room for that we can invite from our side." And he should let her know that everyone will be invited to the entire wedding and not just the dance portion.

    I didn't mean it that you would do it nastily, like, "my parents are paying nanny nanny poo poo!" I just mean, don't you or your fiance mention cost to them because then it opens the door for them to say, "Well, we can cover the cost of the extra guests..."
    If you don't mind them paying for the extra costs and your venue can fit these extra people, then why not invite them?
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_talk-with-fmil-about-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:852d35d4-a43d-4d14-aa6b-9c0ab6e180a6Post:84be86a8-7c27-4dcc-a0ad-81150661295d">Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette : If the guest list isn't final, just let them know how many people they can invite and leave it at that. Have your FI tell them, "This is how many people there is room for that we can invite from our side." And he should let her know that everyone will be invited to the entire wedding and not just the dance portion. I didn't mean it that you would do it nastily, like, "my parents are paying nanny nanny poo poo!" I just mean, don't you or your fiance mention cost to them because then it opens the door for them to say, "Well, we can cover the cost of the extra guests..." If you don't mind them paying for the extra costs and your venue can fit these extra people, then why not invite them?
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    If they can pay for the extra guest I have no problem with it. But thing is his parents dont have  lot of money and consider my family "rich" so they dont ever plan on paying for a thing.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_talk-with-fmil-about-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:852d35d4-a43d-4d14-aa6b-9c0ab6e180a6Post:d4669e32-458c-441d-aad4-b419a866c1b0">Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette : If they can pay for the extra guest I have no problem with it. But thing is his parents dont have  lot of money and consider my family "rich" so they dont ever plan on paying for a thing.
    Posted by MrsL2014[/QUOTE]
    You can have your FI sit with them and outline what it would truly cost to add in these extra people.
    Just a quick list, I have no idea what is costing you extra and what the venue provides...
    Tablecloths, napkins, place settings, any chair covers/sashes, chairs, tables, centerpieces, favors, actual dinner, champagne, bar costs, extra wait staff, valet parking (someone on here had to pay parking per car), another cake tier/slices, desserts, more wait staff...
    This list probably has stuff on it that you won't have to worry about, but I'd take out what would cost extra, have your fiance present the real facts to them and let them decide if they want to help pay for their guests.

    Otherwise, give them a specific limit and that's it.
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  • SB1512SB1512 member
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    Agree with PP's have FI talk to her and tell her what her guest limit is.  A side note, since it sounds like you and FI won't be inviting many of your own friends......are you and your families close enough with great aunts and uncles that they need to be invited?  If so, then fine.  But if there area family members that either your families or you and FI are not close to, or even know, consider cutting them perhaps?  I know if it were me, I'd rather have my friends who are involved in my life be able to come to my wedding than family I've never interacted with (and my parents agree with me on this so that's helpful as well).
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_talk-with-fmil-about-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:852d35d4-a43d-4d14-aa6b-9c0ab6e180a6Post:9613a567-7569-485a-872e-814a34cb3b71">Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]Agree with PP's have FI talk to her and tell her what her guest limit is.  A side note, since it sounds like you and FI won't be inviting many of your own friends......are you and your families close enough with great aunts and uncles that they need to be invited?  If so, then fine.  But if there area family members that either your families or you and FI are not close to, or even know, consider cutting them perhaps?  I know if it were me, I'd rather have my friends who are involved in my life be able to come to my wedding than family I've never interacted with (and my parents agree with me on this so that's helpful as well).
    Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

    My fiance is not close to a lot of his great aunts and uncles, but there are a few he is close to. Is it okay to invite some great aunts and uncles but not invite all? On my side of the family I am very close to the great aunts and uncles(and all their kids and grand kids.)

    But we can only have so many so I put a limit to not have the second cousins their kids.
  • SB1512SB1512 member
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I would think it would be ok to invite only those extended family members that you are close with, unless excluding some would cause family drama. I guess it really comes to down to whether or not you and FI want to be able to have more friends present (and what your parents think b/c they are paying so they have some control over the guest list if they want)
  • Figure out the budget and then tell her she can invite 50 people total to the wedding. Period. Don't ask her for a guest list and then try to get her to cut people from it. Get your budget straight with your parents if they are paying, figure out a reasonable split like 50 people your parents friends/family, 75 friends/immediate family of you and fiance, and 50 people your in-laws friends/family. And have your fiance give her the number and tell her there will NOT be separate "dance" invitations. You just need the 50 names she wants invited, period.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_talk-with-fmil-about-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:852d35d4-a43d-4d14-aa6b-9c0ab6e180a6Post:b26646cb-a249-49f9-8c2c-31a895a52228">Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Talk with FMIL about etiquette : My fiance is not close to a lot of his great aunts and uncles, but there are a few he is close to. I<strong>s it okay to invite some great aunts and uncles but not invite all? </strong>On my side of the family I am very close to the great aunts and uncles(and all their kids and grand kids.) But we can only have so many so I put a limit to not have the second cousins their kids.
    Posted by MrsL2014[/QUOTE]

    <div>Absolutely. Shared DNA =/= an invitation.  Invite who you know and love.  Obviously, keep family drama in mind.  If your family ALWAYS includes every great aunt/uncle then it might be a slap in the face to exclude them now.  </div><div>
    </div><div>We didn't invite any great aunts or uncles and invited oodles of OUR friends. But I also don't know my great aunts and uncles. We had a blast. Wouldn't change a thing. </div>
  • Thank you for all the advice! I will keep in mind :)
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