LONG - Don't shoot the messenger (me) but I'm sure this will give you something to talk about

feelslikeadream

Sooooooo

Last night I'm at FMIL's house and FSIL is there.  She starts telling me about the wedding shower she is throwing for FI and me.  She starts to tell me that she's going to put on the invites that "if you bring a gift you will be entered into the raffle" (ahahaha so tacky but that's not all).  I laugh and give her a look like "oh my god are you friggin serious" (kind of like a smile that says I dare you you can't be serious).  She says knowing her family (most people coming are family and mostly their family) that people won't bring gifts so this way they will be encouraged too.

So I tell her I would never do that on my wedding invitations because it is against "etiquette" and people would say its tacky, but she knows her family best and she's throwing the shower so do what she would like.  Anyways we laugh about it as I call FI in the room and we all laugh TOGETHER about the crazy idea I just heard.  

Few minutes later she says bye and leaves and then so do we.  No idea of anything other than everything is great.

Soooo this morning FI gets a call from his brother that their sister is OFFENDED that I reacted the way i did.  I decided to call dramafied FSIL to nip it in the bud and she won't answer my call or call me back (not the norm).  I then text and ask her to please call me and nothing still.  Throughout the day we're finding out she's calling everyone with her drama and blah blah blah.

Anyways it's stupid and eventually FI texted and said if she didn't call back we were going over there to get this resolved.  Finally she texted back and said she's over it in which he replied and said next time she should talk to me before everyone else.

Venting is one thing which she vented to the wrong person, calling everyone  you know and whining and then not dealing with it is another.

Anyways, all in all I still wouldn't trade FIs family for another.  I love FI and unfortunately for them this is what they do.  The women in his family are family and each other's only friends so that is why this happens.

Anyways, don't shoot the messenger (me) I know it's wrong but personally I find it hilarious and even more hilarious my reaction was blown so far out that it caused this drama.

Just thought I would share with you ladies to give you a good laugh.

By the way I ran it by my Wedding Planner and she said it was the tackiest thing she had ever heard of lol.

musicalsunlight

That is so irritating that she wants to do something solely to get more gifts and wants to be so outrightly rude about it.

ETA: Never mind, I had re-read the post, I thought it was for her own wedding she was doing it. In this case, I agree with PP that a little more tact would've been advisable in your part on politely declining the idea.

bridezillatobe2009

you look like the insensitive one here not here. Sorry chicha you're looking for sympathy in the wrong place.

This is why you don't get involved in the planning of your own party(ies). Yes it is tacky however most people know that the shower isn't being thrown by you so it reflects on your FSIL. Even if it's tacky, you still say thank you and act gracious.

 I hope you appologized.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-shoot-messenger-but-im-sure-this-will-give-something-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:85b64518-107f-43b3-9e36-7dc9e7d31136Post:7ee8571c-0ace-48c5-b57e-30fa873a23b2">LONG - Don't shoot the messenger (me) but I'm sure this will give you something to talk about</a>:
[QUOTE]Sooooooo Last night I'm at FMIL's house and FSIL is there.  She starts telling me about the wedding shower she is throwing for FI and me.  She starts to tell me that she's going to put on the invites that "if you bring a gift you will be entered into the raffle" (ahahaha so tacky but that's not all).  I laugh and give her a look like "oh my god are you friggin serious" (kind of like a smile that says I dare you you can't be serious).  She says knowing her family (most people coming are family and mostly their family) that people won't bring gifts so this way they will be encouraged too. So I tell her I would never do that on my wedding invitations because it is against "etiquette" and people would say its tacky, but she knows her family best and she's throwing the shower so do what she would like.  Anyways we laugh about it as I call FI in the room and we all laugh TOGETHER about the crazy idea I just heard.   Few minutes later she says bye and leaves and then so do we.  No idea of anything other than everything is great. Soooo this morning FI gets a call from his brother that their sister is OFFENDED that I reacted the way i did.  I decided to call dramafied FSIL to nip it in the bud and she won't answer my call or call me back (not the norm).  I then text and ask her to please call me and nothing still.  Throughout the day we're finding out she's calling everyone with her drama and blah blah blah. Anyways it's stupid and eventually FI texted and said if she didn't call back we were going over there to get this resolved.  Finally she texted back and said she's over it in which he replied and said next time she should talk to me before everyone else. Venting is one thing which she vented to the wrong person, calling everyone  you know and whining and then not dealing with it is another. Anyways, all in all I still wouldn't trade FIs family for another.  I love FI and unfortunately for them this is what they do.  The women in his family are family and each other's only friends so that is why this happens. Anyways, don't shoot the messenger (me) I know it's wrong but personally I find it hilarious and even more hilarious my reaction was blown so far out that it caused this drama. Just thought I would share with you ladies to give you a good laugh. By the way I ran it by my Wedding Planner and she said it was the tackiest thing she had ever heard of lol.
Posted by feelslikeadream[/QUOTE]

May I come back to this post in the morning?

I've had a rather draining evening.

ciao

kimheartsscott

Ugh, what a b!  I laugh directly in my family members faces ALL THE TIME and it always stops them from being rude!  Good on you for recruiting her brother to make fun of her too!  SCORE!

ootmother2

haha, Bree

ootmother2

So you pissed off your FMIL and FSIL by embarassing them.

That's not something I'm going to laugh about.

FAIL

Ciaram22

Yes what she wants to do is bad etiquette and tacky. But what you did to her was even worse. When someone offers to throw you a party you never laugh at them if they do something you don't like. Just let them do what they want to do and remember that it reflects off them and not you.

ootmother2

It's 2 AM here as well.

First date since I had the surgery on 1/19.  Getting out and being treated like a princess sure rocks!

Ciaram22

Yay oot!

ootmother2

We went out to Lusardi's, a local but excellent Italian restaurant.

I tried something new tonight, a veal carpachio with truffle shavings.  YUM

then a pasta with some white sausage and arugula...sounds weird but  it was excellent!

Ciaram22

That sounds absolutely wonderful oot!

Hey I didn't mean to make you think that I was offended by your comment. I really wasn't and took it for the joke it was.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-shoot-messenger-but-im-sure-this-will-give-something-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:85b64518-107f-43b3-9e36-7dc9e7d31136Post:bae2e3a9-8d2f-4c9b-b7a4-c7bf9075bfe7">Re: LONG - Don't shoot the messenger (me) but I'm sure this will give you something to talk about</a>:
[QUOTE]That sounds absolutely wonderful oot! Hey I didn't mean to make you think that I was offended by your comment. I really wasn't and took it for the joke it was.
Posted by Ciaram22[/QUOTE]

what am I missing here.

something about how proficient I was to be able to have 2 babies a year because of M's prematurity?

remind me

Ciaram22

Yes oot that one. I wasn't frustrated with you at all. It was entirely that middlesexfells girls crap that was driving me crazy.

ootmother2

Guess that one flew right over my head.  Anyhow, you have far more importan things to be thinking about now.

Shall we start a new post?

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-shoot-messenger-but-im-sure-this-will-give-something-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:85b64518-107f-43b3-9e36-7dc9e7d31136Post:93b4ee33-a089-4d8a-a117-3b302df107ff">Re: LONG - Don't shoot the messenger (me) but I'm sure this will give you something to talk about</a>:
[QUOTE]I really try to be open minded oot, but I cringe when I think of veal. I haven't tried it but maybe I'll make myself some day. I also love sausage and pasta but wouldn't think of them together.
Posted by SkettiHeadie[/QUOTE]

I admit that the veal isn't as good as regular carparchio

StacyJenniges

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-shoot-messenger-but-im-sure-this-will-give-something-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:85b64518-107f-43b3-9e36-7dc9e7d31136Post:7ee8571c-0ace-48c5-b57e-30fa873a23b2">LONG - Don't shoot the messenger (me) but I'm sure this will give you something to talk about</a>:
[QUOTE]Sooooooo Last night I'm at FMIL's house and FSIL is there.  She starts telling me about the wedding shower she is throwing for FI and me.  She starts to tell me that she's going to put on the invites that "if you bring a gift you will be entered into the raffle" (ahahaha so tacky but that's not all).  I laugh and give her a look like "oh my god are you friggin serious" (kind of like a smile that says I dare you you can't be serious).  She says knowing her family (most people coming are family and mostly their family) that people won't bring gifts so this way they will be encouraged too. So I tell her I would never do that on my wedding invitations because it is against "etiquette" and people would say its tacky, but she knows her family best and she's throwing the shower so do what she would like.  Anyways we laugh about it as I call FI in the room and we all laugh TOGETHER about the crazy idea I just heard.   Few minutes later she says bye and leaves and then so do we.  No idea of anything other than everything is great. Soooo this morning FI gets a call from his brother that their sister is OFFENDED that I reacted the way i did.  I decided to call dramafied FSIL to nip it in the bud and she won't answer my call or call me back (not the norm).  I then text and ask her to please call me and nothing still.  Throughout the day we're finding out she's calling everyone with her drama and blah blah blah. Anyways it's stupid and eventually FI texted and said if she didn't call back we were going over there to get this resolved.  Finally she texted back and said she's over it in which he replied and said next time she should talk to me before everyone else. Venting is one thing which she vented to the wrong person, calling everyone  you know and whining and then not dealing with it is another. Anyways, all in all I still wouldn't trade FIs family for another.  I love FI and unfortunately for them this is what they do.  The women in his family are family and each other's only friends so that is why this happens. Anyways, don't shoot the messenger (me) I know it's wrong but personally I find it hilarious and even more hilarious my reaction was blown so far out that it caused this drama. Just thought I would share with you ladies to give you a good laugh. By the way I ran it by my Wedding Planner and she said it was the tackiest thing she had ever heard of lol.
Posted by feelslikeadream[/QUOTE]

Reading this I'm not thinking you laughed in your face but laughed because you thought it was a joke right?  Which many people probably would have thought it was a joke because I never heard of that.  I would explain to her that is what you thought and then just ask if she could make changes to the invitation for your family and friends.  Or is this shower just his family? 

slwager

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-shoot-messenger-but-im-sure-this-will-give-something-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85b64518-107f-43b3-9e36-7dc9e7d31136Post:8d667b56-4f04-4eb9-ad22-2c87a6abb9ed">Re: LONG - Don't shoot the messenger (me) but I'm sure this will give you something to talk about</a>:
[QUOTE]We went out to Lusardi's, a local but excellent Italian restaurant. I tried something new tonight, a veal carpachio with truffle shavings.  YUM then a pasta with some white sausage and arugula...sounds weird but  it was excellent!
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

if you like offbeat italian in our neighborhood you must try alloro!  (although of course there is no shortage of italian restaurants in that 10 block strech of 2nd ave)

thesequel

OP - my MIL wants to throw me a pink & lace themed shower....with a bunch of people that I don't know and are not being invited to the wedding.

I tried politely to explain that they weren't being invited to the wedding and we didn't have room to do so, but this was her choice.

Did I laugh at her and make her feel bad?  No...because I have to live with her in my life for the rest of it!  Do I love the colour pink?  I can't think of a colour I despise more...but I didn't say anything.

You should be apologizing to your FILs.....and trying to smooth things over.

mctlong

It is a tacky idea. I would've thought it was funny if one if one of my relatives presented this idea to me. However, your reaction was a little insensitive. It may have felt like you were laughing together, but some people laugh when they're nervous or emabarrassed. You embarrassed her.

Put yorself in her shoes. How would you feel if you were taking time out of your life to plan a party for somone else. Instead of thanking you for your effort, they laughed at you. Not just laughed in your face, but called your sibling to laugh at you too? I would have been mortified if I were her. She is under no obligation to throw you a party. She is going out of her way to help you and this is how you treat her? Not cool, OP.

Also, venting on a forum read by hundreds of thousands of people is not any better than her venting to her family.

Mrs.B6302007

Definitely tacky but I'm with the others - if I were your SIL, I would have been hurt and embarrassed by your reaction, too.  To correct her in front of other people was hurtful.  And then to talk about it right away to get a good laugh?  So not nice.

feelslikeadream

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-shoot-messenger-but-im-sure-this-will-give-something-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85b64518-107f-43b3-9e36-7dc9e7d31136Post:ff70c89b-6328-4f16-a2cf-071981dbe3b8">Re: LONG - Don't shoot the messenger (me) but I'm sure this will give you something to talk about</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to LONG - Don't shoot the messenger (me) but I'm sure this will give you something to talk about : Reading this I'm not thinking you laughed in your face but laughed because you thought it was a joke right?  Which many people probably would have thought it was a joke because I never heard of that.  I would explain to her that is what you thought and then just ask if she could make changes to the invitation for your family and friends.  Or is this shower just his family? 
Posted by StacyJenniges[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes that was exactly it, I didn't laugh in her face as perhaps what I typed came off that way.  We (including her were laughing about it).  The shower is mostly her family so that is why I would never tell her not to do it or change.  That is exactly why I laughed because I never heard of anyone doing it but I did tell her "you're throwing it and I know you're doing a great job so whatever you think is best and I know it will be great".  She laughed along with us and even said "knowing my family if I don't know one will bring gifts".  It's not like she gave a look like she was dissappointed for which I would have immediately apologized and explained I just never heard of it.  Everything seemed FINE when she left and even her brother was shocked when he found out she had an issue.  I don't ever mean to hurt someone's feelings and if I do unintentionally I still apologize because whether I agree or not the point is they got their feelings hurt.</div><div>
</div><div>Anyways, this is somewhat usual with FSIL and different family members.</div><div>
</div><div>Sure I could see if I DID laugh in her face and was a sarcastic rude B, this is not how it went at all but I know the way I typed it must have led it to be seen this way which is okay.</div><div>
</div><div>I still appreciate all the insight in case I might have missed something.</div><div>
</div><div>Also for those of you that mentioned she might not have shown she was upset but I handled it wrong I can see that.</div><div>
</div><div>Like I said I called to apologize for hurting her feelings but she would not answer the phone.  She continued to tell others but refused to talk.  I'm not looking for sympathy whatsoever I just thought overall it was a perfect post for the etiquette forum regardless of  whether I was wrong or she was.</div><div>
</div><div>Everything is fine and I guarantee stuff like this will happen again, his family is very close and hang out together a lot.  For being with FI 4 years and something like this only happen once hey that's not bad, which both FSIL and I understand.</div><div>
</div><div>For now it's fine and I'm sure we'll talk later, I'll apologize in person and we will laugh about it.  

</div>

Calypso1977

people often laugh as a kneejerk reaction to actuallly being offended.  a good exampl;e of this is when someone is the butt of, or being told, sexual or racial jokes.  they often laugh, but inside they truly are offended.

nonetheless, you apologized (or are trying to) and what's done is done.  id just try to be more tactful in the future.

feelslikeadream

I completely agree..I really try to be careful but do screw up.  The point is I hurt her feelings and I don't like hurting anyones feelings and will tell her when I talk/see her.

Shia

I agree with you. I would have laughed too and told her the truth. Because someone is going to approach you about it. It is tacky. They needed to know that. I mean giving your honest opinion is not rude. Lying to their faces and saying it is okay is rude. I an not sorry I would laughed too.