Bridemaids money

cmmosley81

I am having a hard time with this one. One of my bridemaids and I were talking about gifts and I told her I had a few ideas but was kind of unsure and asked her what she would think woul dbe a good gift. Her answer threw me for a loop, she said honestly you can just give me what you were gonna spend on the gift and put it toward my dress. Now not that I mind helping if really needed but I am on a small budget anyways and she is already going to be paid because she is making my cake. Was it in poor taste for her to ask or should I really give her money towards it. And honestly the dress isnt that high priced I tried to accomidate everyones incomes.

[Deleted User]

Just tell her you want her to have something keep-sake-like. That should pretty much solve the issue.

mgietler76

What difference does it make to you if you spend the same amount of money either way? You asked her what she wanted and she gave you her answer, either you spend $50 (or whatever you have) on a tote bag and goodies or you give her cash towards her dress, I don't see the problem.

PirateintheSky

I think you asked, and she answered.  Thats not rude, that just makes sense. But if you'd rather get her something keepsake like, go for it. Surprises for this kind of gift is usually better anyway.

MissLeahM

I don't know.. Wouldn't a dress kind of be a keepsake? I still have the dress from my sister's wedding years ago. But I don't have the bracelet that she gave me.

LD1970

The difference is if she was going to spend $20 on a gift, that can look nice, especially if she finds sales or good deals.  On the other hand, handing someone a $20 bill looks pretty crappy.

I don't think it was necessarily exceedingly rude or inappropriate since OP asked, but it might really put OP in something of a spot.  The BM shouldn't necessarily know what OP is spending on gifts, and cash tells her.

Abs211981

agree with LD1970.  you can make a $15 gift look great but it's awkward to hand someone just $15.

that being said i would rather have the money towards a dress.  most BM gifts are things i either already have 500 of (hello monogrammed totes) or something i will never use

golden1215

I'd rather have the money.

Beachy730

If you only planned on spending $15-20 then yeah it might seem awkward to hand her that.  But I totally see where your BM is coming from.  In my area we do gifts for the wedding for our BM's that save them money, not so much keepsake gifts or anything.  Even though people on here say shop like its their brithday, personally I still prefer something thats going to save me money on the wedding.  Even if your dresses only cost $50, add shoes, hair, makeup, jewelry, etc., shower gifts, wedding gifts, etc. into that, and it all adds up. 

Either way, you asked, and she answered.  If she is anything like me, a monogrammed tote or anything else keepsake-ish will probably sit in the back of the closet, or end up at goodwill. 

heyimbren

I do find the situation kind of awkward.

But you DID ask her, and she answered the question. So you cannot fault her for that, and therefore I don't think it was rude of her to say that. I don't think anyone in this situation was rude, actually.

I don't think your BM was trying to make a comment that the dress was too expensive, assuming you did ask her for her budget before picking out the dress. It just sounds to me like she doesn't want some little trinket, and would prefer you just put the money towards the dress.

So it comes down to this: you asked your BM what she would really like. She told you. Would you rather give her what she asked for, or give her what you feel like giving her?

Calypso1977

i think in this instance her answer was honest and was given becuse you asked her directly.

in every wedding ive been in, i've received a gift that was somewhere in the $50 range (sometimes more).  its usually been jewelery that i had to wear for the wedding that was fugly, ever worn again, or a gift card somewhere.  i much rather would have gotten money for the dress or had my shoes bought for me, etc.

cmmosley81

Well see that is the thing I am paying for the hair, makeup, mani/pedi (or fake nails if they want) pashminas (cuz it is an October wedding). I mean she is the one that told me she didnt car if the dress was 500 hundred dollards she would pay it (it's $150) but now she is acting like I asked her to pay for mine as well or everyones

SparrowSong

I find this entire thread ironic, given the popular "we would rather have cash than another toaster" perspective that seems to be practically universal anymore when it comes to brides and registring.

Givers like to give gifts that they think will mean something, receivers like to receive cash that they can use.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridemaids-money?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:85e32498-c4ae-49a7-8ed4-875ae16d1e84Post:3fefb221-4f94-4ea0-9b03-1f9a88e43fd1">Re: Bridemaids money</a>:
[QUOTE]Well see that is the thing I am paying for the hair, makeup, mani/pedi (or fake nails if they want) pashminas (cuz it is an October wedding). I mean she is the one that told me she didnt car if the dress was 500 hundred dollards she would pay it (it's $150) but now she is acting like I asked her to pay for mine as well or everyones
Posted by cmmosley81[/QUOTE]

You offered to pay for all those other things on your own. You asked her what she would like and she answered. Honestly, it may not even be that the dress was so expensive, but just that she'd rather have more money in pocket than a tote bag or jewellery that you pick out. It isn't a big deal.

NuggetBrain

I don't know prices out in CT, so keep that in mind when I say it, but $150 isn't exactly cheap for a bridesmaid dress.  If she's not in a financially good place, I can see where spending the $150 plus money on a gift for the wedding, and a gift for the bridal shower, and probably pitching in for the bridal shower, can start to add up.

A lot of people give grandiose offers ("I'll pay for it no matter how much it costs!") that seem to fall through.  We hear about it from parents who promise to foot the bills for weddings and then back out, to bridal parties, to brides who are willing to spend whatever it takes to make their wedding perfect and then start to panic when the bills come in.  She might not be in the best place to pay for it, so I can understand asking for money to help out.

That being said, I do think it's a little odd just because a gift of straight up cash usually isn't what people give their bridal party.  Maybe you can cut a check to the bridal salon or dress place towards her dress rather than giving her cash up front so it's not so awkward?

mandysmear

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridemaids-money?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:85e32498-c4ae-49a7-8ed4-875ae16d1e84Post:a06631ba-1c67-4dbc-b52a-c6afb4050013">Re: Bridemaids money</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd rather have the money.
Posted by golden1215[/QUOTE]

So you can donate it to the needy children of the world, yes?

banana468

In CT, $150 can be pricey.

You can always say, "Well my budget for a gift is X.  If you'd like, I'll write a check to the store for you for that amount."