Tricky subject, halp! Oh, and I suppose some information about me.

hetshup

Hey all, 

I have been lurking for a while, and have snorted water out of my nose more than once at y'all. I'm a fan of Salt and Moose. So now that I have flattered people, I have a question.

I will be going over budget with the pertinent family member's this weekend, and this is where I have a dilemma. I will preface this with, I have a rough budget that FI and I can save for our own wedding and am completely willing to pay for the whole thing, we just won't be able to invite 250 people-- looking at you FI. 

My parents are divorced, my father happens to the person that people don't want to invite to weddings for fear that he will get drunk. He also owes my mother 38k in back child support for me. My mother is PISSED that he hasn't paid up yet and would like for him to pay something for the wedding. How would you guys go about the conversation with Dad and budget without bringing this up and without making Mom more angry? 

CN: Dad owes mom money, mom wants dad to use said money to pay for a wedding. Flame on.

crfische

I'd pay for the wedding myself, invite who you want, and dance in your underwear.

crfische

Also, your sig is fucking WHACK because that's not how they spelled angagment and your feeble attempt to fit in is entertaining at best.

BUT salt and moose are some of my faves, too, so there's that.

kkchisholm

I wouldn't ask my parents for money ...
I don't know though. If your dad can't pay the child support will he have money towards the wedding??

Lay low and see if he offers

SarahPLiz

Don't get in the middle of money issues between your mom and dad. period. If your dad wanted your mom to tell him what to do with his money, he would have stayed married to her.

I repeat, do not get in the middle. And they don't need to know the budget if you can pay for it yourself. Just tell them you will make the guest list and pay for the wedding. You can't ask anyone to contribute. You can accept if they offer, but do NOT get into a convo involving your mom and dad and money. It will not end well. Also, you have to realize that if you are given money, there are often strings attached.

sucrets4

fishy, I believe it was angement, which is amusing because it was just soooo wrong.  But I could be mistaken...your knot memory is far better than mine.

I have no advice.  But props for spelling y'all correctly.  I hate it when people put the apostrophe in the wrong place.

Stackeye210

I dont know your dads financial situation, but I'm guessing if he didn't pay that amount from the beginning he won't belly up to pay for a wedding. 

Listen to Fishy, she is wise.........underwear is a good way to dance. 

crfische

Ahhh, Sooky, you could be right. I just know that she spelled it wrong. Your version looks pretty darn correct.

brookelynpaisley

That's between your mom and dad. You need to stay out of it. If he offers money for the wedding, great. But you can't ask, and your mom can't make him. If he were to pay her the back child support and she were to give it to you for the wedding, then that's all well and good too. But if he's not even paying her, what makes you think he's got money for a wedding.

P.S. I'm not meaning to sound harsh, but there's nothing unique about your situation that makes it okay to demand wedding money.

hetshup

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tricky-subject-halp-oh-suppose-information?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:867e3625-84df-4f55-9d40-44190e31b7e4Post:7ea8762e-c2a3-4552-8a36-71e3913b239a">Re: Tricky subject, halp! Oh, and I suppose some information about me.</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, your sig is fucking WHACK because that's not how they spelled angagment and your feeble attempt to fit in is entertaining at best. BUT salt and moose are some of my faves, too, so there's that.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh there is a huge backstory on that, including the day we got engaged. But it would be a novel which no one really wants to read. </div><div>
</div><div>And according to my mother, she can take him to court to sue for back child support. There are some other issues there about whether he can afford it or not. I will let him offer funds and if he doesn't then I shall dance in my underpants. </div>

sucrets4

Thanks fish.  I just remember pronouncing it like that, lol.  What a debacle that was.

notquiteblushing

That sucks about the child support but I agree with everyone else that you shouldn't get involved.  And don't feel pressured to invite a zillion people.  Have the wedding you two can afford.  And hi!

mags0607

I would let your mom handle any money that your father owes her independently of your wedding. Tell your mother pretty much what you told us. You and your fiance can pay for your own wedding, and that if your dad offers money, you will accept, but you will not ASK him for money. How she wants to handle the money he owes her is a different issue completely. Nothing good can come of trying to intertwine the two.

Also, since the underpants comment, the only thing in my mind is that stupid "pants on the ground, pants on the ground, looking like a fool with your pants on the ground" from American Idol. Thanks... : )

hetshup

NQB-- Shhhhhh I'm cheating on other boards. 

nda_roxybabe

The only underpant thing I can thik of is the sig. with the little girl...Did Vally ever find out who that was for us?

mocha beans

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, get involved in any way in the financial squabbles of your parents.  And don't let your wedding be mom's bargining chip.

My parents are divorced, and my dad is/was far more capable of contributing to our wedding than my mom is.  Mom asked me, repeatedly, if I had a problem with her writing dad a letter explaining that he should really help to pay for our wedding.  A lot of it goes back to finances during and long after the divorce, a whole lot of baggage that I want to stay on the other side of the world from.

I told her that I'd rather she not write him a letter because we are adults, fully capable of paying for things ourselves.  If we would have a reason to, a really good reason, we'd ask him ourselves, mom had no reason to get involved.

Trust me, nothing good can come of her asking him to contribute.  And besides, if he owes $38k in child support, what makes her think he's going to have money or desire to pay for a wedding?  I don't know why he owes so much, but if it's been a will thing, he's not gonna suddenly pony up the dough.

sarah0725

I'm with everyone else on the staying out of your parents' money fights thing. You don't want to be involved in a money fight, unless possibly it involves people throwing actual money at you.

Sidebar: am I a crack addict, or did P2 not confess to being the angement chicken troll a few months ago?

sucrets4

Damn it, my knot memory sucks.

But it would be fun to call you a crack addict, sarah.

Ana_2985

I agree- you need to talk to your mom and let her know that your wedding probably isn't the best time to bring up the money issues between her and your father.  Also, it sounds like your mom probably feels guilty that she isn't able to help pay for your wedding since your father hasn't paid her yet.  Let her know that while you appreciate her desire to help, you and your FI are capable of paying for the wedding yourself and that she doesn't need to worry about it. 

KentuckyKate

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tricky-subject-halp-oh-suppose-information?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:867e3625-84df-4f55-9d40-44190e31b7e4Post:b6cfc978-9213-47ce-9b13-943f5e5c7f0b">Re: Tricky subject, halp! Oh, and I suppose some information about me.</a>:
[QUOTE]But props for spelling y'all correctly.  I hate it when people put the apostrophe in the wrong place.
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

AMEN.  I thought the exact same thing when I read the OP.

crfische

She did, Sarah. She did.

danieliza1127

I'm probably repeating what others have already said, but you can't ask for money to pay for your wedding.  If your Dad offers, great then you can talk about the budget but if he doesn't and your mom doesn't offer to help and your FI's parents don't offer to help, then you and your FI are on your own. 

My Dad never paid child support either but I realized LONG ago that I would never see that money.  You and your Mom need to realize that too.  You can't force him to pay for your wedding to make up for being a crappy Dad.  I would even think you would be scared to because he would probably agree, promise the money, and then never follow through and then you'd be screwed with vendors to pay and no money saved up to pay them.

Unless your mom or your FI's parents offer to help pay, your best bet is for you and your FI to save money and pay for it yourselves.  Cut your guest to invite who you can afford to invite.  You don't have to invite everyone you ever knew.

hetshup

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tricky-subject-halp-oh-suppose-information?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:867e3625-84df-4f55-9d40-44190e31b7e4Post:e5bb464d-4f0d-413d-bf03-d6d4a10cea42">Re: Tricky subject, halp! Oh, and I suppose some information about me.</a>:
[QUOTE]DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, get involved in any way in the financial squabbles of your parents.  And don't let your wedding be mom's bargining chip. Posted by mocha beans[/QUOTE]

This is very profound. I will be having the budget talks with them this weekend and let them both know that FI and I can pay for it, but they will need to amend their own expectations. I would never ask for the money or expect them to pay for what is essentially a huge party.

pinkpinot

Hetsup you're awesome and your dad stinks re: backed child support.  You know I bring nothing to the conversation since I'm over here being blonde & giggly. 

katanne9

hetshup you board cheater!

Let Mom & Dad duke it out without you. Start planning on the budget you can afford. Let them know that. If they choose to chip in, WOOT! And upgrade your plans, or invite those extra ppl.


And for the record, anyone who does realize how funny Engaugement Chikken Cake is, clearly doesn't lurk on NEY enough.

babybchbum

Hetsup: I would pay for it on your own. If mom and dad toss in a few buck here and there that would be a benefit to you and your FI.

Ps. Engagment Chicken is AWESOME! (and it is okay to cheat on other boards... sometimes)

pinkpinot

I bet if Hetsup named Fish as a favorite knottie her feeble attempt to fit in would be less entertaining.   How does one even "fit in" on a message board?

hetshup

You use lots of letters!

pinkpinot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tricky-subject-halp-oh-suppose-information?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:867e3625-84df-4f55-9d40-44190e31b7e4Post:23d772df-f649-48dd-8f1e-6a961874ad45">Re: Tricky subject, halp! Oh, and I suppose some information about me.</a>:
[QUOTE]You use lots of letters!
Posted by hetshup[/QUOTE]

DED

JessAndTrav

If my dad was a big enough asshat to not have paid my mom $38,000 in child support, thus making it harder for my needs to be met, I wouldn't be swooning over him, anyway.

My dad is an asshat, for the record, and he was invited to my wedding, but he didn't escort me down the aisle or even go to the reception.

Don't go to him. He never paid then, he's not going to pay now.