FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents

casies683

My FI parents are divorced but get along OK when needed. My FI does not have a great relationship with his dad - it's off and on. And my FI does not like his step-mom at all. FI has mentioned the wedding and his dad agreed to pay for his suit; however, it would be nice if his dad could cover the rehearsal dinner as well. But FI won't ask him about it. Do I need to keep pressuring FI to bring it up, or is it something I should bring up to his dad? I don't feel completely comfortable doing it but I'm not sure if FI ever will.

salt78

No. His father is not obligated to pay for anything. Not even a suit. 

Loopyseven

The reason you don't feel comfortable is because you should never ASK someone to pay for something.  If he offers at some point great, until then, or if he doesn't offer, plan the wedding and RD on what you and FI can afford without any help.

[Deleted User]

Please don't ask your FFIL. Plan on paying for everything yourselves unless you have the money in your hands. I don't take anyone's word for anything, and since your FI has a rocky relationship with him, that is all the more reason I would not count on any financial help from him at all.

M&R7111

Your FFIL has no obligation to pay for any part of your wedding.  If he feels he would like to host the RD, that is fine, but you shouldn't ask or expect him to pay.

It would be very rude to ask.  You'll have to wait and see if he offers.

baystateapple

Nope.  If he offers to pay for the RD, then you can graciously accept.  If he doesn't ask, he doesn't want to, and it's rude to pressure him.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:b45aafa0-d1c6-4a8b-a23d-06443b015ea2">FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI parents are divorced but get along OK when needed. My FI does not have a great relationship with his dad - it's off and on. And my FI does not like his step-mom at all. FI has mentioned the wedding and his dad agreed to pay for his suit; however, it would be nice if his dad could cover the rehearsal dinner as well. But FI won't ask him about it. <strong>Do I need to keep pressuring FI to bring it up, or is it something I should bring up to his dad?</strong> I don't feel completely comfortable doing it but I'm not sure if FI ever will.
Posted by casies683[/QUOTE]

I like how the thought of "it's not appropriate to ask other people to pay for our expenses now that we're grown ups" is not one of your options.

salt78

Gross. M&R is back. 

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:28d30b27-bffb-478c-aebc-1abd66fab690">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Gross. M&R is back. 
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

So much for only posting here when she has an etiquette question.

FutureMrsTR

That uncomfortable feeling you have is your subconscious trying to tell you that it would be really rude to ask someone for money for your wedding.

M&R7111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:685af0b4-5898-4853-be69-ff9e3c797654">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents : So much for only posting here when she has an etiquette question.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

Or a response...either or

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:685af0b4-5898-4853-be69-ff9e3c797654">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents : So much for only posting here when she has an etiquette question.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

<div>Some people just crave attention I guess. Whether it be negative or not.</div>

mandysmear

I love how she wants a dog to die.  But, yet, she thinks it's rude to ask for money.

Now there's a thinker.

L-Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:ac773203-81f3-42db-9054-54d70e6caac7">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents : Or a response...either or
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

Shut. Up.

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:ac773203-81f3-42db-9054-54d70e6caac7">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents : Or a response...either or
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

Dude.  Seriously.  I don't get it.  You <em>know</em> you made an unfavorable impression.  Do you like people being mean to you?  Because if I were you, I wouldn't be enjoying this.   But I dunno, maybe Salt's right and you just crave the negative attention.  I don't get the attraction, though.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:28d30b27-bffb-478c-aebc-1abd66fab690">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Gross. M&R is back. 
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

Some people don't learn.

OP - Don't ask anyone for money. Plan the wedding you and he can afford. If someone offers to help great, but don't expect it. The outdated notion that the bride's parents pay for x and the groom's parents pay for x is just that, outdated.

brilibby4

If your fiance doesn't even have a very good relationship with his father, what makes you think he would want to pay for part of your wedding?  PPs are all right, you should never ask anyone to pay for part of your wedding.  If no one offers, pay for it yourself.

L-Bride

No, you don't ask the dad (or anyone else) to pay for anything. I'm cringing picturing myself asking my in-laws for money. Eeew.

LDYGTR13

Uh oh. does Kiki know The Dog Hater is back?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Well it would be "nice" if my parents could buy me a house. That doesn't mean it will happen or that they're required to or that they will.

I don't blame him for not wanting to do it because like PPs said, asking for money is rude. I try to not discuss money with my parents at all, actually. They don't know how much I or my husband make.

autumnbreeze26

I'm going to side with the other ladies and say that it would be rude to ask his dad to pay for anything.

I'm fairly new to this board but I just gotta say something that might piss some of you off. While I think what M&R wrote about her man's dog is absolutely disgusting, horrible, shitty and down right fucked up, I don't think it's necessary to make mean comments toward her every time she posts.

Again, I'm fairly new here so I haven't read all of her posts, but from what I have read, she has taken the verbal beatings you guys have dished out to her without saying anything mean back. (again from what I've read, so this may not be true)

Maybe I'm out of place for saying this, and if I pissed anyone off, well then so be it. I just think that continuously ganging up on her and trying to run her off is pretty immature, REGARDLESS of how shitty her feelings toward a poor dog are.

BTW, I do think someone should take that dog away from them and give him to a more loving home who will properly train him.

L-Bride

Not valuing a pet is despicable to me and she was very open about wanting it "to go away" and punishing it by leaving it outside. 
 
So yeah, I will post whatever I want to her. Kaythanks.

I also hugely judge anyone who would post anything defending her.

emarston1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:8cf9ae51-44b2-4683-9ccd-ba370702bb4b">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]I love how she wants a dog to die.  But, yet, she thinks it's rude to ask for money. Now there's a thinker.
Posted by mandysmear[/QUOTE]
ha!  My thoughts exactly.

M&R7111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:c167cf82-a14b-4136-a49e-8b14b1b2ff34">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to side with the other ladies and say that it would be rude to ask his dad to pay for anything. I'm fairly new to this board but I just gotta say something that might piss some of you off. While I think what M&R wrote about her man's dog is absolutely disgusting, horrible, shitty and down right fucked up, I don't think it's necessary to make mean comments toward her every time she posts. Again, I'm fairly new here so I haven't read all of her posts, but from what I have read, she has taken the verbal beatings you guys have dished out to her without saying anything mean back. (again from what I've read, so this may not be true) Maybe I'm out of place for saying this, and if I pissed anyone off, well then so be it. I just think that continuously ganging up on her and trying to run her off is pretty immature, REGARDLESS of how shitty her feelings toward a poor dog are. BTW, I do think someone should take that dog away from them and give him to a more loving home who will properly train him.
Posted by autumnbreeze26[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the backup, but it does no good to argue so my advice would be to just ignore it as I have done.  :) It's their choice to spend so much time and effort making a big deal every time I post something and I've just blocked the majority of them so I don't even see it.  These ladies and their comments are not worth anything to me.  It's just bullying and immature - which you can see as their insults don't even make sense.   

casies683

Thanks for the feedback. My parents are paying for the wedding and my mom has kept asking if FI's are covering the RD (they're traditional I guess). My FI's mother has said they would cover the RD, but she also doesn't have a lot of money and hasn't mentioned it again. So I suppose it's been more pressure from my side of the family. I guess I'll just tell my mom to not plan on it, and if she wants a rehearsal and dinner (which she does b/c of OOT guests) then it's up to them to pay for and we can do it as cheap as possible. Ideally I would like for FI and I to pay for it, but I just can't count on that money at the moment (unless I could do it for under $100, which I guess I could!).

fhorns147

Normally the way you would handle the parents and money situation is towards the beginning of the wedding planning you have a discussion with them where you say, "I don't want to pressure you into paying for anything.  I just wanted to know if you wanted to pay for something so that I can know what the budget is and include you in the decision making."  (Even this should be skipped if you think the family dynamics would be harmed by the suggestion.)  It sounds like you're past that point, and he offered to pay for the suit.  You can't go to him and say, "thanks for paying for this.  Will you pay for that, too?"

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:b1e3f3c8-66e9-4ca7-ac31-dd078824f8ae">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents :  as their insults don't even make sense.   
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

<div>Ha. Yeah okay.</div>

L-Bride

Oohh M&R, stop being so Fu Pax-ish.

salt78

L-Bride

Baaahahahahahahahaha holy sheet, I'm dying over here!! Where can I get this on a t-shirt?

M&R7111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:82a5b3e9-8a4b-4615-ae54-b0051937d10d">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the feedback. My parents are paying for the wedding and my mom has kept asking if FI's are covering the RD (they're traditional I guess). My FI's mother has said they would cover the RD, but she also doesn't have a lot of money and hasn't mentioned it again. So I suppose it's been more pressure from my side of the family. I<strong> guess I'll just tell my mom to not plan on it, and if she wants a rehearsal and dinner (which she does b/c of OOT guests) then it's up to them to pay for</strong> and we can do it as cheap as possible. Ideally I would like for FI and I to pay for it, but I just can't count on that money at the moment (unless I could do it for under $100, which I guess I could!).
Posted by casies683[/QUOTE

If your mom wants a RD she shouldn't expect  your FFIL to foot the bill.  If she wants it she should pay.  Though I get your frustration with the "traditional" parents.  FI's parents "assumed" my parents were paying for everything and started making expensive demands.  We put an end to that quick, FI and I are paying for everything and have told <span style="text-decoration:underline;">both</span> sets of parents that anything they wanted extra they would have to pay for.