Wedding Etiquette Forum

S/O Poll

My husband and I had this discussion last night.  Which relationship do you look down upon more?

a.  A girl that dates a man that is unemployed, broke, mean, mentally abusive, cheats but she is strongly physically attracted to him?
b.  A girl that dates a wealthy older man who spoils her, but also cheats constantly?

He says that option (a) is a more true attraction, because that girl loves that guy even though he does nothing for her.  I say that girl is full of self hatred and thinks she deserves no better and that man brings absolutely nothing positive in her life.

I say option (b) for many reasons.  I think when someone does many nice things for you, your attraction grows and it feels good to have someone do nice things or take you nice places and expose you to things in life that you may not have ever known.  You develop an attraction based on positive treatment.  He says the attraction is built on a material reason and is therefore not real.

I know both scenarios are examples of unhealthy relationships, but I think at least (b) has positive elements for your life.  So I look down much more on scenario A.  You?
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Re: S/O Poll

  • I'm bothered much more by scenario A.  But also, I have an uncle who married a golddiggingwhore (they're now divorced) and it was really sad because uncle loved golddiggingwhore and she was still just a golddiggingwhore. But still, A, I think.
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  • A: because of the self-esteem issues involved.  She doesn't love him and he doesn't love her.  They just feed off eachother.  It's  not attraction - she's seeking validation in diick form.
  • Koopa17Koopa17 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2009
    I vote A.  At least she's getting something good out of it.  Is she cheating too?

    Edit: That made no sense.  I meant at least she's getting more out of B, and is she cheating on B too.
  • Hmm.  I'm going to have to go with A.
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  • B.

    I don't look down on woman that are abused. I do look down on women/people who use ioher people for personal gain.
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  • Let's say no she is not cheating...but she should be!

    I totally agree with coffer.  It is not love, it is an unhealthy addiction to needing to feel wanted even when there are no positive benefits to the relationship. 

    It bugged me that my husband felt that relationship was more "real".

    I have dated both ends of the spectrum, and I can tell you that to think of A makes me sick to my stomach, deeply embarassed and that I wasted part of my life.  To think of B, I have fond memories and it was not a relationship I have ever regretted.  But my B was also extremely good looking.  But he was a horrible cheater, and it hurt too much to keep pretending to look the other way, so I ended it.  But I don't regret dating him at all.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I agree with everything you said in your original post. At least there's SOME good in that relationship and some people can relate to why the girl wants to be with him. Physical attraction is SO not a good enough reason to put up with the other stuff. The love of affection in sencario B, while possibly unhealthy, seems more "real" than just staying with some dude cause he's hot.
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  • I wouldn't "look down" on either. I'd wonder what the heck happened to these women to make them feel like these were the kind of relationships that they deserved.
  • A is worse to me, because of the abuse.  The cheating in B may be condoned/accepted/etc., as a 'term' of the relationship.  Maybe not.  But cheating is less objectionable than abuste to me.
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  • Poli..."look down" was a bad choice of words.  I just find A to be the worse of the 2 overall.  But they are both unhealthy.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I'd say A is worse, because of the abuse and because for me physical attraction isn't that strong of a force to make me stay in a bad relationship.  At least in B she's getting something out of it; even if it's just material junk, it's still better than the nothing she's probably getting from B.

    Although both relationships suck.
  • I don't think that girls who stay in abusive relationships tend to be motivated by attraction. They're far more likely to stay because they have low self-esteem and zero sense of worth, and feel that's the 'best' they can do. Also, there's a cycle whereby the apologies after the abuse make it seem as though the other person really cares, and thus it's hard to leave after the fact. So, I can't really answer your poll, because I'd be very surprised if anyone actually stayed in that type of relationship for the reasons you mention. They might state that they are attracted to him, but I'd be willing to hazard a guess that most of them just feel so poorly about themselves that they think he is the best they can do, and despite the abuse he can be sweet/kind (eg. when he's making it up to them).
  • Geez....and I know all of this too.  I just worded this whole thing poorly.  Stupid poll.

    I guess I meant the physical attraction to be more of the force that brought them together, even though he is bringing nothing else positive to the table. 

    I know better than to ignore the fact that poor self esteem plays into staying with a guy that does not treat you well.  Sorry if I made it sound different.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I've done both but without the cheating.

     Obviously that was better although it was not a permanent relationship.  Fun though and that was what I wanted at the time.
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