Wedding Party Etiquette

soontobemrsrjb

I will try to make this brief, but looking for input on whether this situation is as messed up as I think it is...

Dec 24 2011, my Sis-in-law gets engaged. (my hubby's sister)
Dec 27, 2011, SIL asks me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding - I happily accept as we're very close
Jan 14, 2012 - 30 y/o husband and I split up after 10 years together (3 years married) upon the discovery that he's with some 22 year old he met at the school I've been paying to send him too.  SIL and I talk and agree that I'm not in the wedding because I was his wife, I'm in the wedding because I'm one of her best friends.  I stay in the wedding.
June 2012, discover that ex-hub is asked to be in the wedding as a groomsman
July 2012, learn that the plan is to have my ex and I matched up in the wedding party (three people on each side, the groom has his brother as best man, his best friend as a groomsman, and then my ex simply because it's important to my SIL to have him in the wedding...she has her best friend as MOH, another girls she's been friends with since high school and myself).
Sept 2012 - have a messy issue in which ex hub tells me he loves me,wants me back, wants me to have his babies, he's only with the 22 year old because she wants him as much as she does, etc etc.  Since I didn't reciprocate the sentiment, the next day he sends a text asking me to forget about all the things he said as he was 'drunk and confused'. (now I'm really loathing the coward...)
Sept 2012 - talk with the bride and explain to her how uncomfortable I am with the thought of being paired up with him for the wedding and ask if she's considered other options.  Her response/  "Dont' worry about it - we'll figure it out!  I wasn't really comfortable with having you two together anyways - I don't want things to be awkward for you."

Yesterday: find out that the day after my conversation with the bride in September, she spoke with her MOH who strongly discouraged her from talking to the other bridesmaid about switching her and I in the wedding party.  Apparently the bridesmaid would take great offence to being put "third in the pecking order".  (the bride is VERY suggestable when it comes to people she trusts...she will follow advice blindly at times...this is one of those times).  ALSO: note that the bride is unaware of the Sept night when my ex said all of those things - she took the break up really hard and I don't want her knowing any more than she needs to.

So my question...am I wrong for being a little more than pissed off that I will be forced to walk up and down an aisle with my ex husband after the last time we walked an aisle was for our wedding...and half of the guests from our wedding will be at this wedding in two weeks, and they ALL KNOW the why's and how's of our break up.  Or should I be sucking it up and thinking that it's more appropriate that the other bridesmaid be offended if she's put third in line as evidently her spot in the wedding party defines her relationship with the bride?  Tthe point is that I don't want to bring my drama into the bride's wedding, but isn't there a certain degree of respect for the situation that I should be expecting?

Avion22

Yeah, you should NOT have to walk with your ex-husband who cheated on you.   I would reiterate this to the bride.  Maybe she can have the groomsmen standing at the front already, and the bridesmaids process solo?  Then all can recess solo as well?  That way you don't have to walk with him at all, but you will both still be in the wedding (and, you won't even have to stand next to him).

lyndausvi

I hate when people think the pecking order has something to do with how close you are to the bride.   

Anyway, since you don't seem to care about the "pecking order" why can't the switch up the guy?

I think it's completely inappropriate for you to have to walk with your cheating ex. 

I *may* agree to walking out of the ceremony with him because it's only a few seconds just to keep the peace.  But I would flat out refuse reception introductions or pictures with him.

AdeleDazeem

Maybe I'm being inconsiderate, but this seems like a whole lot of effort and drama over a ten second walk down the aisle.  I think it sucks for you, OP, but if the bride isn't willing to budge, then it's literally a ten second walk.  She's not asking you to kiss him, touch him, or even like him.

EDIT: Oh, I agree with Lynda.  I forgot about pictures and introductions.  Yeah, I'd aboslutely be saying no to that stuff.  But, if this is really just about a quick walk down the aisle, I'd let it go.  If it's not, then you need to just straight up TELL her that you won't do all that other stuff.

soontobemrsrjb

Ahh, but here you forget about the photos afterwards.....

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-party-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87d1a81f-890d-4a7c-9019-4b8f4e342132Post:bf3244a3-e0ca-4fce-a770-4991feb8971a">Re: Wedding Party Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I'm being inconsiderate, but this seems like a whole lot of effort and drama over a ten second walk down the aisle.  I think it sucks for you, OP, but if the bride isn't willing to budge, then it's literally a ten second walk.  She's not asking you to kiss him, touch him, or even like him. 
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-party-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87d1a81f-890d-4a7c-9019-4b8f4e342132Post:e1186f55-6920-400a-bfac-71ceeac7907c">Re: Wedding Party Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Ahh, but here you forget about the photos afterwards..... In Response to Re: Wedding Party Etiquette :
Posted by soontobemrsrjb[/QUOTE]

I edited!  Sorry about that!

Avion22

Yeah, photos afterwards....

If it makes you too uncomfortable (which is understandable), I would maybe just tell the bride that you love her, but you would feel more comfortable supporting her as a guest rather than a bridesmaid.  The last thing you want to do is make her choose between you and her brother.

soontobemrsrjb

I agree about the pecking order business - it seems so very "high school" - but I'm trying to remind myself that for whatever reason, this is important to the other bridesmaid.
The bride said that she didnt' think it was fair to the groom to ask him to switch the order of his guys since he and my ex aren't close.  Apparently guys care about pecking order too...

If it comes down to only having to walk OUT with him, I could suck it up for 10 seconds I'm sure, but I think that if I'm being honest, part of me is also just so disappointed that the bride is making this decision in the end based solely on advice from her MOH - and her MOH doesn't even know the whole picture.  I guess it just seems like in this particular case she could maybe make the call on her own and make the right choice.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-party-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87d1a81f-890d-4a7c-9019-4b8f4e342132Post:0fba4e74-0101-4e52-940d-c4d0e9610eed">Re: Wedding Party Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I hate when people think the pecking order has something to do with how close you are to the bride.    Anyway, since you don't seem to care about the "pecking order" why can't the switch up the guy? I think it's completely inappropriate for you to have to walk with your cheating ex.  I *may* agree to walking out of the ceremony with him because it's only a few seconds just to keep the peace.  But I would flat out refuse reception introductions or pictures with him.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

crash2729

Honestly, if it's something that she says she was comfortable with, she knows you are uncomfortable with but wants to turn a blind eye to because her MOH said, personally I would be pretty offended and not be in the wedding. I'm a hot head like that though. 

Suggest that everyone walk out solo like PP suggested or switching the groom. If she refuses all, you really have two choices:walk with XH or decline the WP and attend as a guest. 

If you end up having to not be in the WP, I would tell SIL about the September conversation. (Just something like "We had a conversation that has made things even more uncomfortable") I personally wouldn't walk with him.

soontobemrsrjb

Yes, but the wedding is in two weeks - as awful as I would feel having to be arm in arm with my ex for this whole process, I think I would feel like an even worse person telling a bride two weeks before her wedding "thanks but no thanks - I'm gonna bow out now".

But you're right - I really don't ever want to put her in a situation where she's choosing between me and her brother.  In this case however I see it as simply a choice for her as to who she'd rather have upset - me for being with my ex in this wedding, or the other bridesmaid for being shifted slightly to accomodate this weird situation (which admittedly is MY situation, but when we agreed I would stay in the wedding, there was NO TALK of my ex being in the wedding...by the time he was asked, the dresses had already been ordered, etc)


In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-party-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87d1a81f-890d-4a7c-9019-4b8f4e342132Post:9ab5225c-7d95-43d9-b8ea-6f34a5afc541">Re: Wedding Party Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, photos afterwards.... If it makes you too uncomfortable (which is understandable), I would maybe just tell the bride that you love her, but you would feel more comfortable supporting her as a guest rather than a bridesmaid.  The last thing you want to do is make her choose between you and her brother.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

lyndausvi

Honestly, I want to bittch slap the bride, groom and BMs for putting you in this position (well your ex also). 

 If I was in that WP I would be the one saying " switch me".  I would not want walk down with my cheating spouse either.  I mean really, you are more worried about a pecking order than realizing how uncomfortable the other BM might be walking with her cheating ex down an aisle, at a wedding.     No that would not bring back memories at all.

geez. 

The more I think about it, but more I think I would drop out. 

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-party-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87d1a81f-890d-4a7c-9019-4b8f4e342132Post:1268c486-2831-4b4c-83b9-714c805965d6">Re: Wedding Party Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, but the wedding is in two weeks - as awful as I would feel having to be arm in arm with my ex for this whole process, I think I would feel like an even worse person telling a bride two weeks before her wedding "thanks but no thanks - I'm gonna bow out now". But you're right - I really don't ever want to put her in a situation where she's choosing between me and her brother.  In this case however I see it as simply a choice for her as to who she'd rather have upset - me for being with my ex in this wedding, or the other bridesmaid for being shifted slightly to accomodate this weird situation (which admittedly is MY situation, but when we agreed I would stay in the wedding, <strong>there was NO TALK of my ex being in the wedding...by the time he was asked, the dresses had already been ordered, etc)</strong> In Response to Re: Wedding Party Etiquette :
Posted by soontobemrsrjb[/QUOTE]
Do you find this odd at all?  <div>You're in the wedding, all of a sudden XH is in the wedding and she's refusing to move you? </div><div>
</div><div>Does SIL know the reason you split? Is it possible she's using this as a way to get you two to want to get back together? </div><div>Just a thought.</div>

crash2729

Also, I would droup out in a heartbeat because anyone who would put someone else's ego in front of the my feelings about the awkwardness of walking with a cheating ex, isn't a friend I want to have.

soontobemrsrjb

Incredibly odd!  But yes, SIL knows why we split - he's actually brought the girl to SIL's house a couple times after she explicitly told him she did not want to meet her.  She knows that we're not going to get back together, and she's actually very supportive of me finding someone else who'll make me happy.  I think she's just very afraid of confrontation, and I'm not being strong enough about this because I don't want to bring about more stress for her in an already stressful situation.  But now I have to consider who's stress levels will be higher as a result of this situation...and it's looking like it may be mine.

Thanks to all who have responded - I appreciate the time you took to read/respond, and the things you've given me to consider!


In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-party-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87d1a81f-890d-4a7c-9019-4b8f4e342132Post:06a337e9-3de4-4995-9e5f-27801371e66a">Re: Wedding Party Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding Party Etiquette : Do you find this odd at all?   You're in the wedding, all of a sudden XH is in the wedding and she's refusing to move you?  Does SIL know the reason you split? Is it possible she's using this as a way to get you two to want to get back together?  Just a thought.
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

MrsGandthebeag

I never would have agreed to be in the wedding in the first place.  Sounds super awkward to me.  Never mind the whole walking with your ex, pics with your ex, etc.  What about just the general reception when you'll be with his whole family and friends?  But, I guess this ship has sailed seeing as it's two weeks away.  I'd explain everything to your SIL and ask her again to switch you.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-party-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87d1a81f-890d-4a7c-9019-4b8f4e342132Post:f2224b07-731d-4e39-9ceb-f2aa82da6874">Re: Wedding Party Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Incredibly odd!  But yes, SIL knows why we split - he's actually brought the girl to SIL's house a couple times after she explicitly told him she did not want to meet her.  She knows that we're not going to get back together, and she's actually very supportive of me finding someone else who'll make me happy.  <strong>I think she's just very afraid of confrontation, and I'm not being strong enough about this because I don't want to bring about more stress for her in an already stressful situation.</strong>  But now I have to consider who's stress levels will be higher as a result of this situation...and it's looking like it may be mine. Thanks to all who have responded - I appreciate the time you took to read/respond, and the things you've given me to consider! In Response to Re: Wedding Party Etiquette :
Posted by soontobemrsrjb[/QUOTE]
Honestly, <div>Switching two people's order in the BP is not stressful. Given the fact that she knows why you split up and that likely your brother's new GF will be at the wedding, her behavior is coming off as extremely insensitive.</div><div>Stand your ground with her whatever your decision may be.</div>

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-party-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87d1a81f-890d-4a7c-9019-4b8f4e342132Post:1d721953-9c29-4e08-abbc-378bf19f4ce3">Re: Wedding Party Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]If I was you, I would have dropped out. As it is, I would be calling her up right now and saying "Bride, I'm sorry, but I can NOT walk down the aisle with him, I can't do it. I don't want to be put in this situation. Please see to reason here!"  As a bride, I would have moved you in a heartbeat and given my MOH a lecture about how childish pecking order is, especially given the emotional stress this could put on you. As the other bridesmaid, I would have openly offered to switch with you. no question about it.  The other girls are being children, as are the groomsmen. The bride absolutely should move you and consider your feelings, or as you I would still drop out. 
Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]<div>I'm willing to bet the other bridesmaid doesn't even know about the situation. I bet that since the MOH said don't talk to her the bride didn't. </div><div>
</div>

OliveOilsMom

Is it possible for you to speak with the BM you would be switching with?  Just explain that it would be awkward for you to walk with your exH and see if she can switch?  That way she wouldn't have her feelings hurt in terms of the pecking order (which I find ridiculous!).  I think the bride should be all over this to keep you comfortable and avoiding the potentially awkward situation.

Summer2011Bride

In that situation,, I don't think I'd be surprised at all that exH is in it. It is his sister's wedding. Knowing that, I probably would have bowed out after exH and I split, but I do understand you're friends with her.

Still I would not feel one bit bad about dropping out now. If she is going to be inconsiderate of your feelings in an incredibly uncomfortable situation, how good of a friend is she really, KWIM? It's a minor, minor change she would have to make that really should make no difference to anyone else but a HUGE difference to you and she is unwilling to do it to make you feel more comfortable. That's ridiculous.

arendiva

Personally I would jsut walk with him. It's like 10 seconds. Not worth getting upset about. But as this is clearly causing you more stress than it will cause me I would just talk to the bride again. Tell her about the akward september conversation and how you increasingly feel that it is inappropriate for you to walk together. Maybe mention that guests might find it inappropriate and that it might cause talk at the wedding (the last thing a bride wants  at her wedding is for the talk of the night being about something other than her) maybe this will make her change her mind.

strlzfan11

Not to over-simplify things, but why can't the guys switch spots?  Guys care much less about the so-called pecking order than girls do.  Did I miss where OP mentioned why they can't swap places?

Regardless, I probably would've dropped out after the break-up.  The way I see it, you have a few choices: a) switch up partners, b) suck it up, or c) drop out.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-party-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:87d1a81f-890d-4a7c-9019-4b8f4e342132Post:27891e7d-0d1c-4765-8153-31f75a70bf3d">Re: Wedding Party Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]If the bride is easily suggestable, <strong><font color="#0000ff">maybe she will take to the idea that the BMs and GM can each walk in solo to avoid awkward pairings</font></strong>. I hope everything works out for you.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

Two thumbs up!  Good luck.

mrskristinyc

If you have to walk with him, you could always trip him while you're walking....

JK. That's a tough situation. I probably would have dropped out a while ago in that situation. Since it's too late for that, I think suggesting walking solo is the easiest way to keep everyone happy.

As for pictures - do other brides actually take a lot of pictures with their BMs and GM "paired up?" Why? I don't get it, unless they're already couples, siblings to each other, or close friends or something. Why would anyone want a picture of two people who have no reason to be in a picture together other than that they're each second or third in the "pecking order"?

FrankensteinsGirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-party-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:87d1a81f-890d-4a7c-9019-4b8f4e342132Post:21ade73d-5261-476d-a7e3-59af9869955b">Re: Wedding Party Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]If you have to walk with him, you could always trip him while you're walking.... JK. That's a tough situation. I probably would have dropped out a while ago in that situation. Since it's too late for that, I think suggesting walking solo is the easiest way to keep everyone happy. <strong>As for pictures - do other brides actually take a lot of pictures with their BMs and GM "paired up?" Why? </strong>I don't get it, unless they're already couples, siblings to each other, or close friends or something. Why would anyone want a picture of two people who have no reason to be in a picture together other than that they're each second or third in the "pecking order"?
Posted by mrskristinyc[/QUOTE]

I was wondering this too.  OP  I'm so sorry you have to deal with any of this.  PP gave some great ideas/advice, good luck, I hope it all works out!

crash2729

We don't have pictures of our BMs/GMs paired up, but in group pics they usually pair those who walked together.

Summer2011Bride

We did not take any pics with the BMs and GMs paired up at all. We had shots of the girls and me and the guys and H and then full group shots. If you stay in the wedding and the photographer DOES want to pair you up, I would have absolutely no problem saying "no way" to that. If the photog knew the situation, I would hope she/he would not suggest that anyhow.

zantster

I think that if worse came to worse you could devise an approach to minimize the discomfort.  So you could make sure to find out where the GMs will be and avoid exH until the moment you have to walk in.  So long as you don't have to touch each other do not look at him, look at the guests in the pews and smile at them, then look at the bride, groom and others at the front and smile at them.  By the time you get to your place it's all over.  Then during photo time avoid standing next to exH.  If he tries to talk to you or walk up to you in front of people just smile and say Oh! goodness, sorry I gotta take care of something for such and such (use a name like FMIL or someone) and walk away quickly so as not to make a scene.  He will get the hint and leave you alone.  Don't give him the power or satisfaction of making this a huge deal.  You are strong enough to handle this just like you were strong enough to leave him and not go back.

Gatorsgirl731

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-party-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:87d1a81f-890d-4a7c-9019-4b8f4e342132Post:c296b103-efc4-4bf5-8b8e-cb0b2edc87da">Re: Wedding Party Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Is it possible for you to speak with the BM you would be switching with?  Just explain that it would be awkward for you to walk with your exH and see if she can switch?</strong>  That way she wouldn't have her feelings hurt in terms of the pecking order (which I find ridiculous!).  I think the bride should be all over this to keep you comfortable and avoiding the potentially awkward situation.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

Yes this x2.  I would go so far as to say it infront of bride, MOH and BM.  But if it was me this far in I would do it.  Since most people know the reason behind the split, you will look like the bigger person.  I would also try to trip him.  And bring the hottest most jelous inducing plus one I could find.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Count me in as not understanding the "pairing up." You can't walk in alone? My wedding party didn't walk in together or out together or pair up for absolutely anything. As there are only 3 on each side (same as what I had) it doesn't seem like it would take that long to have 6 people walk down the aisle.

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-party-etiquette-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:87d1a81f-890d-4a7c-9019-4b8f4e342132Post:3e0f850b-9f5d-45a4-8259-ec2def530112">Re: Wedding Party Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I would absolutely drop out of this wedding if the bride refuses to accomodate this one very small and very understandable request.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I would too...I was just wondering if that would risk ending their friendship.  And of course OP dropping out because of him would get back to exH.  But I guess that's a matter of weighing the pros and cons and seeing if the friendship is worth it if the bride isn't considering OP's feelings and basically how much OP really gives a s*&^ what anyone else thinks.