I’m going to start by apologizing because I know this is going to be a lot longer then I intended. I had an Issue with Fiancés’ Oldest Sister Saturday Night and it is now Tuesday and I am still steaming mad. I need opinions as to If I am in the right, and how to handle going forward.
Just a little back story. We got engaged April of 2011. Set the date for 9/22/12. We ARE paying for everything ourselves. Almost immediately we started looking for venues etc. We were already in love with a local hotel for our reception, but we wanted to check out our other options just in case. Decided to go with original hotel we both wanted for both Ceremony and Reception. They require us to spend $9,000. This is a total of food, drinks, alcohol, any decorations they provide, service fee, etc. basically everything we spend with them except for our guests sleeping rooms and tax. Ok fine that is do-able. I work 2 jobs (by choice) and Fiancé works too, we signed the contract in August of 2011. Well we had a payment of $4,500 due the end of March and we were short on it due to me being laid off from work last November and then 2 unexpected car repairs. We decided that we would take out a loan for the wedding. I know a lot of people are against this, but we knew once we got back on our feet financially we would have the loan paid off in 6 months. I went to the bank and was told I would be approved with a co-signer, but would need a co-signer due to my lack of credit history. Cool understandable. Well I spoke with my family who was unable to cosign so we asked Fiancés’ Mom. She was willing but unsure if she would be approved because she is not employed, she receives disability. So I called the bank to ask them if that would be ok and they said yes and they started to prepare the loan paperwork with me on the phone. Then they tell me they cannot approve me, cosigner or not, because I don’t much credit history. Well sh*t. So fiancé’s mom starts in on, just cancel everything at the hotel and get married somewhere cheaper, etc. so we tried and tried to explain to her we signed a contract, we would have to pay 75% if we didn’t have the wedding there so that would be stupid. Not to mention we are the bride and groom and this is where we want the wedding and we are paying for it. So we finally got her to sort of understand that canceling would be pointless but she just kept saying “it doesn’t seem right they get their money either way” ok well it seems fair to me!! So she tells us she has said nothing to anyone else in the family (he has 5 siblings, all older than him) but she thinks that she and the oldest sister, we will call her “R” could plan us a nice wedding at a small hall. No lady don’t you go saying you can plan things, with our money!!!!!
So fast forward to last week, and his mom texts me and says she would like to see our hotel contract and would we please bring it to the bar that we were all gathering at this weekend for his niece’s 21st birthday. So I told Fiancé absolutely no I will not bring this contract to a birthday party, at a bar, where all the family will be together. That is rude and not the right time or place! I see no reason she needs to see it at all but if she really wants to I can scan it and email it or I will bring it to her house myself.
So fast forward to this past Saturday night, we are all at the bar and his mom asks if he brought the contract and he said no and I jumped in and said, it was my fault I forgot it. So about 2 hours into the party fiancé and I were ready to leave and so we start saying our goodbyes when his sister “R” comes up and says that she will only be staying another hour and then she would like to have people over to her place afterwards to just hang out, etc. sort of makes sense because her daughter is the birthday girl. So we agree to hang for a while and then go back to her place. Then she says “plus I need to talk to you guys anyway” so she walks away and I’m like ummm ok?! So Two hours later we are still at the bar and we start talking to the other family members and it seems as if we are the only ones she invited to come over. Weird. So we deiced we are just going to go home, it was late etc. So I’m talking to the birthday girl and fiancé goes to say good bye to sister “R” all the sudden I look over and it looks like she is literally in his face yelling at him. So I walk over and the first thing I hear her say is “who do you think you are, what are you trying to prove, you don’t have any money” So I asked what was going on and she said “I need your contract from the hotel” and I asked why and she informed me that we cannot read it correctly and that there HAS to be a clause in it. What if we break up? And I told her just as the contract reads if you cancel by X time you pay certain percentage of the cost, etc. and she interrupted me and said I’m not asking you about that. There has to be a clause. Then she begins to tell me that the hotel is embezzling money from us, they are stealing from us etc…She then she says things like we are trying to be people we are not, why would we pick this location when the junky local hall would only charge us $250 and how rude it is of us to let out of town family members pay for travel to come to a wedding that isn’t going to happen because we can’t afford it. Then she says “and have you even asked your family?” and I couldn’t take it anymore. So I replied with the truth. “Yes, my aunt was recently in contact with my father who is giving her belongings of his and my mother’s that have been in a safety deposit box for years, so that I can sell them to help pay for the wedding. I’m not sure how this is any of your business but to answer your question, yes” at this point I stormed out crying and was ready to punch someone. I walked out to the car and took a few deep breaths. Fiancée came out after me and after a minute or 2 of calming down I told him I was fine to go back in and finish saying good bye to everyone else. So we go back in and were talking to other family etc. and everything is fine. So fiancé goes to say good bye to his brother who is talking to sister “R” and I stayed a few steps back. Well “R” pulls fiancée out the side door of the bar that they were standing by and again starts in, well I follow them out. This is our wedding you are not going to attack only him. So she repeats herself over and over again and then she asks me, “Do you think that by pulling this stunt you will be any more married then I am?” and I just said, my wedding is no contest with anyone. Then she said I was ridiculous and pathetic for selling things that belonged to my mother to pay for a wedding. And I said nothing. Then she just kept repeating, if you let me help you I can give you a nice wedding for $4,000. So what you’re saying is if I let you, you will spend $4,000 of our money, on a wedding we don’t want? How nice of you! So she went on and on about how we need to give up on the hotel, they cannot do what they are doing to us, we are being ridiculous and rude to our families for leading them to believe there will be a wedding when there won’t, we need to grow up and realize money doesn’t grow on trees. Then she asked Fiancé how much money we even have. Well I jumped in because I handle all the money. Fiancé cashes his pay check, gives me what is needed for bills, because I right the checks, then gives me what he can for the wedding, and then keeps money for himself. So I told her what our bank account balances are, that is none of her business. So the end of the conversation went, she is on vacation from work for all this week and weekend so at some point, we ARE going to go to her house, with our contract and we are going to work all this out with her. So I’m trying to get my head on straight and my thoughts in order before we hear from her about getting together.
My points are:
WE are paying for the wedding; please don’t tell me how to spend my money.
The contract for the hotel doesn’t matter, whether you see it or not, this is where we want our wedding and we have no desire to cancel, clause or no clause.
If you wanted to care or help or be included in wedding planning, that’s fine, but we’ve been engaged for 15 months, and now that we are 80 days away from the wedding you decide to care?
You are family, if we wanted or needed your help we would have asked.
You are HIS family, I understand you will be my family too, but you are out of line to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do with my mother’s belongings (obv my mother has passed away). My father who was my mother’s husband, gave these items to my mother’s sister, for me to sell to pay for the wedding, so how is it that my father, my aunt and myself are all ok with my mother’s items being sold, but you are not?
Again I’m feeling so guilty for posting something so long but I just need advice and want to be prepared!!!
Thank you all so much for taking the time to read all this and I appreciate any advice you may have!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!! J