Private Ceremony with family --- reception and "vow renewal" later

AEhrgood

My fiance and I have parents that are on the east and west coast... which makes it difficult to plan a special wedding that they feel equally involved in.  My idea is to have a "surprise" intimate ceremony at the house we just bought.  This comes at a perfect time because we will have them both over for thanksgiving this year.... 

I'd like to throw a more formal reception (and exchange our written vows) for the rest of our family and friends to be a part of a few months later.  I know how important it is for my friends to be included, and I also want the opportunity to walk down the aisle for all to see in my wedding dress.  I also know that they have been wanted to throw me a bridal shower since I'm the last to get married....

Our families are not the traditional ones, and would feel good about this idea.

What do you all think?

pixiedust84

If your concern is that the families won't feel equally involved how will surprising them (thus not involving them at all) help?

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_private-ceremony-family-reception-vow-renewal-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8939d831-2abe-44e5-b820-086dc04d0be6Post:d75621fc-4673-45cf-ac7e-5fadd43473a5">Private Ceremony with family --- reception and "vow renewal" later</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have parents that are on the east and west coast... which makes it difficult to plan a special wedding that they feel equally involved in.  My idea is to have a "surprise" intimate ceremony at the house we just bought.  This comes at a perfect time because we will have them both over for thanksgiving this year....  I'd like to throw a more formal reception (and exchange our written vows) for the rest of our family and friends to be a part of a few months later.  I know how important it is for my friends to be included, and I also want the opportunity to walk down the aisle for all to see in my wedding dress.  I also know that they have been wanted to throw me a bridal shower since I'm the last to get married.... Our families are not the traditional ones, and would feel good about this idea. What do you all think?
Posted by AEhrgood[/QUOTE]

Why not do the whole shebang while they're in town?

Also, your parents won't make the trip to come for your wedding.

I'd do it all at once

kikibaby

Why not just wait and actually exchange your real vows and get married a few months from now?  I don't think I see the point of the small "surprise" ceremony.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

As long as you know it would be a vow renewal - then yeah, that's okay - I just don't understand why if you're already going to have a big wedding and the dress and everything, you're going to get married privately first.

If it were me, I'd just wait. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I... wouldn't.

Our families live on the opposite coast, too. We're really trying to include them. Really and truly. But there are just certain things that they can't do, being so far away. My mom was able to see our venue when I booked it and go dress shopping with me. I brought some wedding materials to FMIL's house when we were there at Thanksgiving last year. I know they're both sad about not being able to participate more, but they are SO excited about the big wedding.

Then again, my mom would actually have the opposite reaction and would strangle me if I did this. The "big" wedding wouldn't be as special to her. And I agree.

Knittibell

I wouldn't either- if they're willing to travel for THANKSGIVING they're certainly willing to travel for your wedding! Do it right the first time, and do it once. That's my opinion.

lauralaur

I think you have a couple of option here:

1. Have a DW somewhere in the middle. But, you'd have to realize that not everyone you want there will be able to make it.

2. Do the whole thing in November when your parents are coming out. And I mean the whole thing. Yes, I know it's short notice for wedding planning, but it's totally, totally doable.

or 3. Wait and have the entire wedding at a later date and realize that it's impossible to involve everyone the way you want to unless you all live on the same street, drink wine together every night and have nothing else to do but plan your wedding. I know it sucks, I didn't involve my step-mother in a lot of our planning because I was doing a lot of it with my mom. I just wouldn't do the surprise wedding. Part of the fun of the wedding is the anticipation. Picturing you saying your vows. walking down the aisle, trying not to cry... they won't get to enjoy the time leading up to the wedding if they don't know there is one. I think the surprise ceremony with the fake one later just takes away from both events. Do it all at once.

srkropf

Hmm, small wedding then a big renawl wedding-- and I assume they would come to both so...... I agree with the rest of the ladies-- just do it a few months from now and go as big as you want-- plus Skype makes everyone feel involved-- not to mention all the other web apps out there.

spenet1

My cousin just did her wedding in the reverse of what you were thinking. Her whole big wedding was in FL where her family is, and most of her FI's family, in Oregon, couldn't make it. But when they moved up to OR the following month, the family threw them a big party, she got to wear the dress again, etc so they could celebrate with them as well.

Fred13

DO IT! You have to do what works best for you two as a couple. Your friends should understand. And, hey, we all want that magical moment walking down the aisle, and you deserve it. This way, you get to spend that intimate moment, entering wedded bliss with your parents/those you love most. I was considering do the same thing: Ceremony in October and a full-blown reception in February. We live in untraditional days and we have to do what we can in order to accomodate everyone being so far from eachother. Now, we're waiting until January to do the whole shabang, but we're having a mini reception/open house in Texas three months later for all the family that won't be able to attend (a substantial amount).

ledalia

I JOP'd early because I had an emergency but I was already eight months into planning. It sounds like you haven't done much planning yet and I definitely think you should try to do it all at once if possible. My wedding is the weekend before Thanksgiving and a lot of out of town guests are able to come because they would be traveling at that time anyway. I assume that the parents would come to the big thing, so how is "surprising" them with an intimate ceremony going to involve them in the wedding planning? I'm not trying to be rude, but I just don't understand your reasoning.

lisarose7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_private-ceremony-family-reception-vow-renewal-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8939d831-2abe-44e5-b820-086dc04d0be6Post:fdbb74cb-d8bd-4f4e-a520-07cebae4beea">Re: Private Ceremony with family --- reception and "vow renewal" later</a>:
[QUOTE]I JOP'd early because I had an emergency but I was already eight months into planning. It sounds like you haven't done much planning yet and I definitely think you should try to do it all at once if possible. My wedding is the weekend before Thanksgiving and a lot of out of town guests are able to come because they would be traveling at that time anyway. I assume that the parents would come to the big thing, so how is "surprising" them with an intimate ceremony going to involve them in the wedding planning? I'm not trying to be rude, but I just don't understand your reasoning.
Posted by ledalia[/QUOTE]

I don't understand this at all.  If you JOP'd, then you're already married and HAD your wedding.  But if it's in November, does that mean you're doing the JOP thing then and aren't married yet?  Did you get married at the JOP and are having a vow renewal in November (in which case, you shouldn't call it a wedding)?  I'm confused....

ledalia

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_private-ceremony-family-reception-vow-renewal-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8939d831-2abe-44e5-b820-086dc04d0be6Post:02fde747-5d24-401e-8ebd-2452d9d98c20">Re: Private Ceremony with family --- reception and "vow renewal" later</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Private Ceremony with family --- reception and "vow renewal" later : I don't understand this at all.  If you JOP'd, then you're already married and HAD your wedding.  But if it's in November, does that mean you're doing the JOP thing then and aren't married yet?  Did you get married at the JOP and are having a vow renewal in November (in which case, you shouldn't call it a wedding)?  I'm confused....
Posted by lisarose7[/QUOTE]

Sorry, but this topic has been beat to death already, especially on this board. I'm not referring to my own situation here, nor am I asking for advice or criticism. I already know how many people feel about that and frankly, I don't give a damn - we did what we needed to and have no regrets. But to answer your question - we did the legal thing and we are having our wedding for family and friends, with vows, in November. I just don't see why having a private ceremony for just the parents will help them more involved in the wedding planning, especially if they will still make it to the "real" wedding later on. I may just misunderstand the OP. Do what you have to do but I advise you to plan the real thing all at once unless something comes up (as it did in my case - I never planned on JOP).