Do I invite potential sister in law/ex best friend?

chricove

My FH and I are in debate. His brother is dating my ex best friend. When I introduced them I thought it was a good idea. But my friend and I had a falling out that wasnt on the best of terms. A little tiff between me and her escalated to me AND FH getting dirty looks to the point where a year later my ex friend cant even say a single word or be in the same room as me or my FH.

Our problem is: neither my FH or I like my ex best friend. We have both tried on several occasions to make peace with her by being friendly, inviting her and future BIL to dinner, to numerous rejections. I even called my friend and invited her out to dinner to hash things out, by pointing out that if we (might) become sister in laws, it would be good to make peace so we could be civil. The only response I got was "I have been civil." We dont know what to do!

Future BIL (who used to hang out with me and FH all the time) doesnt speak to me, and rarely speaks to FH on what I assume is the fault of my ex best friend. We dont want to be rude because they have been together for a few years, but future BIL has no intentions of getting married. We just dont want drama at our wedding, and think that if the ex friend is invited, it would be the same dirty looks while we are getting family pictures and she would ruin the good time.

Let me also say that future MIL loves ex best friend and hates me, as well as favoring future BIL, and we think if we dont invite her it would create drama with FH and his family (not that there already isnt a ton.) I think the best thing would be to have FH talk to his brother about it and explain why we dont want her there? Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!!!

Beachy730

Suck it up and be the bigger person and invite her.  You would be no less immature than her if you choose to ignore their relationship of a few years when it comes to invites.  Just invite him with a guest, and be sure not to look in her direction at your wedding. 

kellyjellybelly

4 glasses of wine + no paragraphs = not able to read wall o' text.  So ditto what dnb said is my answer.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-potential-sister-lawex-friend-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aad9904-cb76-4b1d-adff-d050eb885338Post:3d69e7f6-2ba6-42c8-bff3-d5b6223e477f">Re: Do I invite potential sister in law/ex best friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]4 glasses of wine + no paragraphs = not able to read wall o' text.  So ditto what dnb said is my answer.
Posted by kellyjellybelly[/QUOTE]

Hahaha love it!  I'm only 2 glasses in, so it was slightly difficult but I managed!

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-potential-sister-lawex-friend-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aad9904-cb76-4b1d-adff-d050eb885338Post:fa047866-75c0-4dbe-87d0-1ec3bef26368">Do I invite potential sister in law/ex best friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FH and I are in debate. His brother is dating my ex best friend. When I introduced them I thought it was a good idea. But my friend and I had a falling out that wasnt on the best of terms. A little tiff between me and her escalated to me AND FH getting dirty looks to the point where a year later my ex friend cant even say a single word or be in the same room as me or my FH. Our problem is: neither my FH or I like my ex best friend. We have both tried on several occasions to make peace with her by being friendly, inviting her and future BIL to dinner, to numerous rejections. I even called my friend and invited her out to dinner to hash things out, by pointing out that if we (might) become sister in laws, it would be good to make peace so we could be civil. The only response I got was "I have been civil." We dont know what to do! Future BIL (who used to hang out with me and FH all the time) doesnt speak to me, and rarely speaks to FH on what I assume is the fault of my ex best friend. We dont want to be rude because they have been together for a few years, but future BIL has no intentions of getting married. We just dont want drama at our wedding, and think that if the ex friend is invited, it would be the same dirty looks while we are getting family pictures and she would ruin the good time. Let me also say that future MIL loves ex best friend and hates me, as well as favoring future BIL, and we think if we dont invite her it would create drama with FH and his family (not that there already isnt a ton.) I think the best thing would be to have FH talk to his brother about it and explain why we dont want her there? Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!!!
Posted by chricove[/QUOTE]

Whether you like her or not, your FBIL and his GF are in a long term relationship.  This means they are a social unit, and must be invited together. 

kellyjellybelly

Yeah, I would just invited her.  I can't stand my ILs.  I had no trouble not really talking to them at my wedding.  There were only 70 guests there.  You won't have to spend all night chatting with her.

Beachy730

OP- much better with the spacing! 

luckyme502

You should invite her.  She is in a long term relationship with your FI's brother and should be invited.

ootmother2

No.  You don't need added drama

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-potential-sister-lawex-friend-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aad9904-cb76-4b1d-adff-d050eb885338Post:22f3da8e-d905-4237-b6a0-ed7c748070e4">Re: Do I invite potential sister in law/ex best friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]No.  You don't need added drama
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

But then she is blatantly ignoring the long-term relationship that her FI's brother is in. 

Honestly OP you won't even notice she is there unless you make a point of finding her.  There were many people at my wedding I barely saw at all. 

mica178

Okay, beer + tequila = honesty.  Umm.. yes you invite them.  This is your FBIL and his serious girlfriend.  They might not like you.  If they don't like you enough, they won't attend.  But don't stoop to their level.  As many PPs mentioned, be the bigger person.  Invite them and dare them to come to your party.

Yum, tequila.

Gismo123

I say invite her because you don't want to get on your fbil bad side.  If she trys to make a scene have her escorted out.  Don't look like the bad guy, let her make herself look bad if she starts in.

Celles

It sounds like not inviting her will cause more drama than inviting her, especially since your FMIL has already weighed in with a strong opinion.  Suck it up, imo.

sarabellam

In Response to Do I invite potential sister in law/ex best friend?:

 I think the best thing would be to have FH talk to his brother about it and explain why we dont want her there? Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!!!
Posted by chricove

No, the best thing would be to invite his brother and the brother's girlfriend, without any further fuss. If she dislikes you both that much, either she won't come, or she'll come and be a sour puss. If you are gracious and ignore any childish antics she may pull, she will look like the brat, not you.

SarahPLiz

I agree with sarabellum

kimp67

Yep, invite her.  Like pps said, sounds like there would be more drama if you didn't.  Plus, whether they're getting married or not, they're in a long term relationship. 

mkrupar

Yeah, you've got to invite her. Who knows, their relationship may not last (esp if FBIL has no intentions of getting married, but she does at some point). You don't want to alienate FBIL in the future by slighting him now.

marissa_claire

When in doubt, be gracious and kind. 

chricove

Whats funny about that though is that FBIL was actively trying to break up me and FH. So for FH to have a talk with his brother isnt as harsh as it sounds, which believe me I know it sounds harsh! What we really want is just have FBIL talk to my ex best friend and get her to drop her attitude and grow up a bit. FH made me get over the drama and be the bigger person...why cant FBIL? FH and I just want everyone to be able to get along. You really wouldn't think its that difficult but it is!!  We are just tired of being the ones who constantly try to fix the situation when they dont even seem to care.

chricove

Heres another thing, if we do invite her (which we probably will just for the sake of avoiding MORE drama) how do we work pictures? Our big concern was we get family pictures and shes not included so she stands off to the side with a dirty look on her face?

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-potential-sister-lawex-friend-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aad9904-cb76-4b1d-adff-d050eb885338Post:cae3678e-d82e-4960-bfd5-481778ee287e">Re: Do I invite potential sister in law/ex best friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]Heres another thing, if we do invite her (which we probably will just for the sake of avoiding MORE drama) how do we work pictures? Our big concern was we get family pictures and shes not included so she stands off to the side with a dirty look on her face?
Posted by chricove[/QUOTE]
Take some pictures with her in them, and some without.  You don't have to order the prints with her in them.

mica178

If they aren't engaged, she doesn't need to be in the family pictures.  But I would probably have a picture of you, FI, FBIL and his SO separate from the family picture, just for the sake of maintaining peace.

MISSCOURTNEY20

I am wondering why you are putting so much thought into it. If she feels the way that you say she does, why do you think she will even come? And if she does, I would think that she would want to stay out of your way because she doesn't like you guys.

I would invite her and then expect her to say no.

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-potential-sister-lawex-friend-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aad9904-cb76-4b1d-adff-d050eb885338Post:1cb054e9-2a7e-4927-844d-970cf21f2275">Re: Do I invite potential sister in law/ex best friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]I say invite her because you don't want to get on your fbil bad side.  If she trys to make a scene have her escorted out. <strong> Don't look like the bad guy, let her make herself look bad if she starts in.
</strong>Posted by Gismo123[/QUOTE]

People will know who has class and who doesn't.

I agree with PP about the pics, too. 

ggirl2001

If she's not engaged she does not have to be in pics (at least according to my family). My family has a pretty strict rule about family pictures.. in order to be in them you have to be engaged to a member of the family.. its actually become a family joke between us and another family. I would normally say invite her, but i'm feeling bitter since I was not invited to my fiance's sister's wedding even though we are engaged.. (not due to family issues, problems, or drama, but rather keeping the guest list count down, had a small wedding, but still) But, since I know how I felt being left out even if you don't like her, invite her to keep the peace, ignore her and her dirty looks and enjoy your day.