Is this common knowledge?

bride2beNCG

Needing some input - Not getting married until May 2013, but I have started to meet with a few vendors to get an idea of pricing, offerings, etc. My parents are paying for the wedding (and have given us a set budget), but have said that it should be what we want. Understood. Should I have my mom come along to these vendor meetings as well? Or are those for Fi and me only?

Avion22

I think it would be nice to invite your mother along if she's local to the area.  She could be a big help.   My parents came along to all of our meetings even though they weren't paying a cent, and it really helped.  But only you know how much of a help or hinderance you mom might be.

jessicabessica

I would have a conversation with your parents about how involved they want to be in planning.  Even though they want the wedding to be what you and your FI want, they may still want to be included, even though they aren't going to dictate your choices. 

We got married 4 hours from my parents, but they looked at venues online with us, reviewed the menu we had drafted with the chef, and helped with alcohol selection, among other things.  It was really important for my mom to go dress shopping with me, so I waited until she came to visit, and we picked something out together.

achiduck

It would be nice to invite your mother or parents to some meetings. I don't think they need to come to ALL meetings though. We invited FMIL to come to meet the DJ and to the cake tasting so she would feel included.

BostonGIrl4732

If your parents are paying, I'd ask them what they feel comfortable with.  They might not care about the location and might be OK with putting a deposit down on a place they haven't seen.  On the other hand, they might want you to pick, but they might want to approve it.  It would stink to find your "dream venue" only to tell your parents about it and have them veto it.  A quick conversation with them before you make appointments might be a good idea.

My parents offered to pay for the reception venue and food.  They came with FI and I when we looked at places (FI and I picked where to look) and they felt comfortable with our final choice and put down the deposit.  They will come with us to the tasting as well.  My dad has requested we not serve chicken.  We'll try to work around that to make him happy because he's paying for the meal.

All the other vendors, we're paying for ourselves.  My mom has come along with me to several appointments if my FI can't make it just to offer another opinion.  That being said, my mom is awesome and lets me make up my own mind about things.

Basically, I'd ask them what they feel comfortable with seeing as they are financing your wedding and make plans accordingly.

gurrlballa10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-common-knowledge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ba01ade-7358-4e33-8432-3ccc9f6f8188Post:bb28c5a6-be7b-4a16-9929-9bdacdbf477e">Re: Is this common knowledge?</a>:
[QUOTE]If your parents are paying, I'd ask them what they feel comfortable with.  They might not care about the location and might be OK with putting a deposit down on a place they haven't seen.  On the other hand, they might want you to pick, but they might want to approve it.  It would stink to find your "dream venue" only to tell your parents about it and have them veto it.  A quick conversation with them before you make appointments might be a good idea. My parents offered to pay for the reception venue and food.  They came with FI and I when we looked at places (FI and I picked where to look) and they felt comfortable with our final choice and put down the deposit.  They will come with us to the tasting as well.  <strong>My dad has requested we not serve chicken</strong>.  We'll try to work around that to make him happy because he's paying for the meal. All the other vendors, we're paying for ourselves.  My mom has come along with me to several appointments if my FI can't make it just to offer another opinion.  That being said, my mom is awesome and lets me make up my own mind about things. Basically, I'd ask them what they feel comfortable with seeing as they are financing your wedding and make plans accordingly.
Posted by BostonGIrl4732[/QUOTE]

What?  Why?

itzMS

ITA with all above. It's your marriage to FI, not to your parents. Personally, I wanted to make all decisions with my future husband so we skipped parental contributions. A lot depends on your personal family dynamic.

If your parents are paying you should at least offer the opportunity for them to attend. To some extent, you might want to ask your FMIL if she wants to come, too.

jessicabessica

If your question is what do the vendors expect, I think it's whatever you want.  The only thing that number of people would be relevant for (that I can think of) is a tasting--you just need to be clear with your caterer how many people are allowed at a tasting and if you have to pay extra if you bring more.

BostonGIrl4732

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-common-knowledge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ba01ade-7358-4e33-8432-3ccc9f6f8188Post:e693c235-a43c-45fe-b8d8-7a03130fbe41">Re: Is this common knowledge?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this common knowledge? : What?  Why?
Posted by gurrlballa10[/QUOTE]

<div>Apparently he's never had good chicken at a wedding so it doesn't want it served at mine.  I'm not going to fight with him over it unless it's the only thing we like at the tasting (I actually don't like chicken myself so I'm not willing to die on that hill).  My parents told me they'd pay for the venue and food and they normally don't attach any strings so we figured we'd be safe with accepting.  This is the only "demand" my dad made so far and hopefully it's the last.  We'll see.  It was a bit unexpected because my parents told us we could do whatever we wanted.</div>

specialk84

My parents paid for my wedding, and they said that with a few exceptions, H and I would have final say on stuff. They insisted on a plated dinner, an open bar, and a head table.

My mother accompanied me to buy my dress, the DJ, the chair rental place, the shop to get the BM dresses, the florist, the venue (H and I had already chosen it, but she wanted to see it), and the place where we bought the favors. H and my mother came to the meetings with the caterer, including the tastings. H and I went to the photographer.

gurrlballa10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-common-knowledge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ba01ade-7358-4e33-8432-3ccc9f6f8188Post:1b6af476-2ca3-4e72-9935-5ff5004d1bb0">Re: Is this common knowledge?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this common knowledge? : Apparently he's never had good chicken at a wedding so it doesn't want it served at mine.  I'm not going to fight with him over it unless it's the only thing we like at the tasting (I actually don't like chicken myself so I'm not willing to die on that hill).  My parents told me they'd pay for the venue and food and they normally don't attach any strings so we figured we'd be safe with accepting.  This is the only "demand" my dad made so far and hopefully it's the last.  We'll see.  It was a bit unexpected because my parents told us we could do whatever we wanted.
Posted by BostonGIrl4732[/QUOTE]

What about your guests?  I just am confused by this, because a lot of people get chicken at weddings, because they don't eat red meat. 

BostonGIrl4732

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-common-knowledge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ba01ade-7358-4e33-8432-3ccc9f6f8188Post:8d1accc9-1e2c-4f54-9224-5f59877f667d">Re: Is this common knowledge?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this common knowledge? : What about your guests?  I just am confused by this, because a lot of people get chicken at weddings, because they don't eat red meat. 
Posted by gurrlballa10[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm not sure what we're going to do about that yet.  We haven't done the tasting yet so I'm hoping there's a great chicken dish that will change my dad's mind (a reason why I won't do the tasting without my parents present).  My mom will probably work on him too.  I figure we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm learning that sometimes parents make weird demands.  A few friends has odd things that were requested/demanded as well.  You just never know I guess.</div>

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-common-knowledge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ba01ade-7358-4e33-8432-3ccc9f6f8188Post:8d1accc9-1e2c-4f54-9224-5f59877f667d">Re: Is this common knowledge?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this common knowledge? : What about your guests?  I just am confused by this, because a lot of people get chicken at weddings, because they don't eat red meat. 
Posted by gurrlballa10[/QUOTE]

You don't have to serve chicken at weddings.  Options that will appeal to your guests, yes.  Chicken, no.

bride2beNCG

Thanks, all! It sounds like I need to have a chat with my mom, and maybe FMIL as well.

I'm very lucky that Fi wants to be involved in all of the planning. It makes life much easier on me!

Carrie81677

I was in a very similar circumstance, in that my parents offered us a budget, but had very few dictates in how the money was spent.  Really, all they asked for were a few guests, and who, specifically, they wanted at their table for dinner.  They also live about two hours away, so logistically, they couldn't be involved with everything.

I actually purchased my wedding dress in the town where my mother lives, so she hosted a "birdesmaids weekend" where we all went shopping for my and the girls' dresses.  Other than that, the only thing my parents asked to attend was the tasting, which was amazing, and made it really hard to narrow down our choices!

With regard to the chicken--would your dad be amenable to having a choice of two entrees, one of which was NOT chicken?  I'm a steak girl all the way, but the chicken dish at our tasting was so incredible that I ordered it for the wedding meal.  My H ordered the steak, and we shared.

gurrlballa10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-common-knowledge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ba01ade-7358-4e33-8432-3ccc9f6f8188Post:a33efbd4-c62f-4b4d-917f-75b4c2ad5001">Re: Is this common knowledge?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this common knowledge? : You don't have to serve chicken at weddings.  Options that will appeal to your guests, yes.  Chicken, no.
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

I mean, obviously you don't have to serve chicken at weddings.  But it's a pretty darn common sight to see. 

ootmother2

I have to confess that "wedding chicken" is a bit of a joke with family and friends


The wedding was on Cape Cod and I live in NYC so I did go with them to find a venue.  As I remember, the MOG went also.

p.s. I think there were a dozne "family & close friends" at the cake tastings

bride2beNCG

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-common-knowledge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ba01ade-7358-4e33-8432-3ccc9f6f8188Post:ab1f6e6b-06e6-4b58-a1d1-03e65e8654fa">Re: Is this common knowledge?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have to confess that "wedding chicken" is a bit of a joke with family and friends The wedding was on Cape Cod and I live in NYC so I did go with them to find a venue.  As I remember, the MOG went also. p.s<strong>. I think there were a dozne "family & close friends" at the cake tastings</strong>
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

Haha! Well, isn't that the most important part, the cake? For me and Fi, answer is YES!

CFM102012

My parents are paying for our wedding. I made initial vendor contacts but at least one of them (usually Mom) went with me/us for most of the meetings. They never insisted but to me it would feel strange to just accept their money without their input. Having them there also helped because, even though I had a list of questions for each vendor that I wanted to ask, my parents also had some very good questions that I would have never thought of.  With the 2 DJs we interviewed, my dad had some of the technical knowledge that would have been greek to me had he not been there so it really helped. I/we made the final decisions on all of the vendors though.

wrigleyville

Throughout my childhood, I always heard the term "wedding chicken" or (even worse) "city chicken" tossed around. My dad was against chicken for that reason, and I don't want steak because everyone is so incredibly picky about how their steak is done. I've never been to a wedding where the entire table was happy with their steak.

You can't win. :-P

We're serving pork, fish, and a vegetarian dish yet to be determined. I hope everyone's happy.

theelusive1

My daughter and her FH insisted I go along with them.  We are paying but I did not have a problem handing them the cash to take care of things.  But my daughter says I have a great way of weeding out the BS so they wanted me there. Everything has went great so far, I have had a few questions. One photographer tried to tell them how many people to invite to the wedding, I stopped him and then he told them they could add more people to their wedding party,  I told him we were done.  My daughter said well apparently you forgot who's wedding it was and we are going to look for someone else.  I found it really odd that a professional would try to tell you how many to invite or how many to have in your wedding party.  I know that the extra eye and ear is a help.

hoffse

I think it's a nice gesture to ask if she wants to be involved - weddings are super $$, and what you're talking about is really the biggest chunk for most people (I'm counting food/bar in this).  It's nice for her to have some input (with you having veto power) over how her money is spent.  It can be also useful because she may think of questions to ask that you don't.  My parents came up with some questions I had never considered and was glad to have answered once we were all there.  She likely has twice as many years of weddings that's she's attended than you do, so she may be more aware of things like guest flow, band location, appetizer options, etc.  Some ideas/trends work, some don't, and you never really know until you've seen it done elsewhere.  

Meghannsix

I think it would be nice to ask your mom to participate!  I know I wish my mom was more interested!
On a side note, if you're planning a May 2013 wedding, you might want to really get started!  I'm getting married in June, my venue booked up for May a few months ago.  Good luck and happy planning!

bridalmarch

My parents are in TX and I'm in MD. We were able to plan dress shopping around a weekend my mom was back east, but that's the only thing they've been involved it. They gave us a set amount and we're responsible for anything above that. They asked if we wanted it all at once or over a period of time and we ended up taking half for all of our deposits and then the other half about three months later. My mom also surprised me and paid for some of my dress. FI and I have a daughter so we merged finances a long time ago. My parents sent us checks, we deposited them in joint checking, then wrote our own checks. My parents haven't made ay special requests except asking for vegetarian options for the rehearsal dinner since they don't eat meat on Fridays during Lent. 

Peledreamsofrain

The answer is entirely dependant on your relationship with your mother, and the personalities involved.

If you both get along, and she is respectful of your wishes, then by all means, include her.  If she's one of the mothers who thinks that she's reliving her own wedding, and will steamroll you, perhaps some gentle avoidance is called for so that you can preserve touches that you want in your wedding.