Wedding Etiquette Forum

Help! We invited only out of town children and now people are upset!

This is going to be a tough one...
We decided on an adults only wedding - we are allowing the flower girl and ring bearer to be at the reception, of course. We have out of town guests on my side of the family who already received 'save the dates' with their children's names on them (Ages 21,18,12,11) - two are adults - but we let the 11 and 12 year old attend too because they are traveling half of the way across the county with their siblings, and parents who are invited because they are adults. Here is where the tough part comes in. My fiances family has children ages 3,4,7,9,12,14,15,16. They are not invited , this is because they are not well behaved (the 3 and 7 year old are because they're in the bridal party). How do we explain this to the parents of the uninvited children. My fiance already told one of the aunts who assumed the children were invited, and she was very upset. I am sure I am going to get the cold shoulder when they see an 11 and 12 year old at the reception.
Any advice?

Re: Help! We invited only out of town children and now people are upset!

  • well, you COULD just add the 12 and 13 year old to the bridal party... Is this possible?  Or give them a "task" at the wedding so that technically they are "in" the wedding?
  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments

    Let them know that leaving an 11 and 12 year old alone across the country is out of the question and therefore, they are at the wedding.  This is going to be a minefield for you to navigate though.  Could you hire a sitter or two from a local college who is majoring in a child related area for all of the kids?

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  • I would be upset too.  I'm not sure there's really anything you can do about it, and it's also going to look to them like you are favoring your family over your FI's.
    Married 10/2/10
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invited-only-out-of-town-children-now-people-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8bc9670a-ac61-41f7-9fa2-7c1605397bc9Post:c98cb18f-a1ae-4ec6-91db-b13b14334eec">Help! We invited only out of town children and now people are upset!</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is going to be a tough one... We decided on an adults only wedding - we are allowing the flower girl and ring bearer to be at the reception, of course. We have out of town guests on my side of the family who already received 'save the dates' with their children's names on them (Ages 21,18,12,11) - two are adults - but we let the 11 and 12 year old attend too because they are traveling half of the way across the county with their siblings, and parents who are invited because they are adults. Here is where the tough part comes in. My fiances family has children ages 3,4,7,9,12,14,15,16. They are not invited , this is because they are not well behaved (the 3 and 7 year old are because they're in the bridal party). How do we explain this to the parents of the uninvited children. My fiance already told one of the aunts who assumed the children were invited, and she was very upset. I am sure I am going to get the cold shoulder when they see an 11 and 12 year old at the reception. Any advice?
    Posted by NicoleTommy2011[/QUOTE]
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
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    06.10.10

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  • Obviously, you can't just say their kids were not invited because they are horrors but I sometimes wish that you could.  Perhaps then, parents might attempt to raise civilized children.

    I just would ignore it and bluff if someone is rude enough to bring it up. You  are NOT required to invite anyone, adult, child, relative
  • This should be a sticky post as warning to other people who want to invite certain kids.
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  • "We made an exception because the family had to travel across the country and couldn't leave them behind for that long."

    Own your decision and don't apologize. Just state the explination and let any further criticism roll off you.
  • I'd make room in your budget/space for the extra children.  you simply can't make exceptions and not have hurt feelings.
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  • I wouldn't change your plans. No children means no children. If you allow exception for one family, others will assume they will be an exception as well and then you will have a nightmare on your hands! 

    I am in a similar situation. My wedding is a year off so I don't need to deal with it just yet, but it is something I have been thinking a lot about! I have been brainstorming some things to tell  my own family, all of which are true, but knowing my family members some arguments work better than others. Not sure if any of these would work for you but, it doesn't hurt to try! 

    1. Ceremony/reception holds a small number, so we had to cut the guest list and kids went first.
    2. Can't afford the extra expense of feeding and entertaining the kids (ie: separate menu so they have something to eat and coloring books, toys etc.)
    3. Adults will be drinking, don't think it is appropriate to have children in that environment 

    Also, some of my close family members are spreading the news by mouth. Make sure your family and wedding party are on the same page, so if someone does come to one of them, they will have the same story as you! Good luck!
  • If you'd stuck with the excuse that the two children were coming in from out of town with their familly, I might have felt differently, but then you threw in the "not well behaved" thing, making it something else entirely.   You're playing favourites when it comes to children, which is clear based on the reason you gave for choosing the two you did to be in the wedding party. 

    If you were ok with doing this, you should be ok with admitting it.

    Also, there's no need to keep referring to it as an "adults only" wedding - because it isn't.   It's a "some children are allowed, but others are not" wedding.   Calling it something it's not doesn't change what it is.


    Good luck.  I have a feeling there'll be ill feelings if it stays as is.

    10-10-10
  • It is your decision and it has been made.  Tell them as such or give the two children who are coming with their siblings and parents a 'job' at the wedding so that it is 'justified' they are there.  Even though you don't have to justify anything at all.

    You can also set an age limit of no children younger than 12-that would eliminate having the little ones there.
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  • If someone has children that don’t behave them don’t invite them. You have every right to exclude them. I am not inviting some of my family because they drink too much and let their little brats run wild.  I would not worry if people are upset. What some people need to understand is just because they think their children are cute does not mean that everyone else does. It is you and your fiancés day. If both of you are OK with it stand your ground.
  • How do you explain this??? LOL! There must have been some logic to this decision. Just explain your reasoning.

    I think you made a big mistake doing this. It isn't logical that certain children are allowed and others aren't.  Yeah some people may be offended.
  • The only kids allowed to my wedding are the ring bearer and flower girl (brother and sister) and their older brother who will be 9 but he will be the "program attendant" at the ceremony. I don't want any other kids at the wedding because I've seen what little misbehaved, spoiled brats do at weddings. They cry, they whine, they scream during the vows. I do not want that and I am sure that is the reason that you have done the same thing. Stand your ground. It's your day and you shouldn't have to explain any of your choices to appease the slightly disgruntled feelings of family members that you only see at major holidays, weddings, and funerals. Yes, some people's feelings will be hurt, but if they can't accept the decision that you have made then they can be grown-up enough to decline if they can't bear to leave little spoiled junior at home while they enjoy a calm evening out without him/her.
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  • It's not clear from your post, but I assume if you invited one child in a family, you invited all of the children (I mean, the two that are in your wedding are siblings, right?)? 

    And I'm with whoever said stop calling this an "adults only" reception because it ain't.  You made a decision for whatever reason you did, so own it and do the best you can.

    And to whoever said one of the reasons she might give for not inviting children is "adults will be drinking and it's not appropriate to have kids in that environment" - that's BS and you know it.  There is alcohol at family functions all the time and everything works out just fine.  Saying it that way makes you sound like you don't trust the adults you've invited to behave responsibly, in which case, maybe you ought to just have a dry wedding.
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  • LD1970LD1970 member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Did you mean halfway across the COUNTY or halfway across the COUNTRY?  People have been assuming country, but unless it's a typo your post says county.  You're in Rhode Island... how big can the county be?  Are they really traveling that far, the kids you invited?  If not, it's not a good enough excuse to invite them and exclude the other kids.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invited-only-out-of-town-children-now-people-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8bc9670a-ac61-41f7-9fa2-7c1605397bc9Post:d1e52f4b-72c2-483b-8845-0d3965958e3b">Re: Help! We invited only out of town children and now people are upset!</a>:
    [QUOTE]well, you COULD just add the 12 and 13 year old to the bridal party... Is this possible?  Or give them a "task" at the wedding so that technically they are "in" the wedding?
    Posted by _Dagney_[/QUOTE]


    THIS.  Have them hand out programs and then the bubbles/birdseed/whatever when you leave. Stick boutanires on them to make 'em look official.
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  • As long as you meant across the countRy then no, I would not change your plans and do not feel bad about not inviting the other kids.

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  • yes I meant COUNTRY. And We didn't invite the children on my side who are close to us, only those two because  they're so far. We ended up making one a guest book attendant, and to help pass out place cards. And the other a program attendant :)
      Thank you so much!!!
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