Wedding Etiquette Forum
Options

S/O Baby showers for babies having babies

Thoughts on this? Should teenagers, specifically very young ones (13, 14, 15) be thrown baby showers?

My mom and I once had this discussion, she feels that giving such a young one is like saying, oh you're pregnant at 13? OK! Here's lots of presents! I said that's it's often these young girls that NEED things because they are so young, but should they be having showers?

I also know a girl that has had not one, not two, but THREE babies by the time she was 19. All with the same guy, but has never married him and they live with her parents. She's had a shower every single time, because (she says) she had a boy, girl, boy, and she should have new showers because of the sex.
image
(Married)meganandshane.weebly.com~
(Planning)shaneandmegan.weebly.com

Re: S/O Baby showers for babies having babies

  • Options
    Yeah no.

    If it were me (and I totally agree) my mum would've either:
    a) taken me straight to get it aborted or
    b) supported me through having it, then give it up and drive me to a nunnery for the remainder of my education.

    I mean, I understand treating someone like an adult when they've gone and behaved like one, but having and intending to keep a child at thirteen will inevitably screw up the kid's life, as well as the baby's. How can you provide for a child at thirteen? You aren't even legal to work yet?
    image
  • Options
    I'm torn on this too...  I watched "The Pregnancy Pact" (gag, sorry!), and they were throwing showers...  

    I see the practical side: they NEED stuff.  

    But it's also not healthy for other young girls to see teenage pregnancy celebrated and "glamorized."  
  • Options

    I am a high school teacher and work with kids with emotional disabilities, and the ONLY thing that reeeeallly upsets me is when they get pregnant.  However, once they do, how long are you going to punish them?  Forever?  I guess I don't think the shower is that inappropriate once they decide they are keeping the baby.


    226 Invitedimage 153 Are Ready to Partyimage 68 Are Washing Their Hairimage 5 Better Not Make Me Hunt Them Downimage RSVP Date: June 15
    July 10, 2010
    imageimage
    Planning Bio
  • Options
    Ugh while I don't think kids that young should be having babies at all, I guess I can see why the ones who are would need to have baby showers.  There are lots of pregnant women in their 20s and 30s who I also have trouble being excited for (situations like Arbs' sis) but that doesn't mean the babies don't still need baby stuff. 
  • Options
    Oh, and by all that, I basically meant that no, I don't think showers are okay at all.
    image
  • Options
    I see your point, but at the same time, I don't feel that the baby should be punished for the mother's decisions.  Leaving a teenager and her baby out in the cold to shame her because of getting pregnant isn't going to change what happened.  A baby shower can help provide some of the things that a young girl needs to take care of a baby (diapers, clothing, etc.).

    That being said, I think that throwing pregnant teens huge elaborate showers and encouraging them to register for expensive baby items and designer baby clothes is absolutely along the lines of --and surpassing -- the notion of condoning and encouraging teen pregnancy.
    image

    Books read in 2012: 21/50

    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers

  • Options
    Just read your question again...  For very young girls, absolutely NO SHOWERS.  Next thing you know, half of her friends will turn up pregnant.  If people want to donate stuff it should be accepted by the family without fanfare...
  • Options
    Um, no, you should not have a new shower everytime. Baby girls don't care if they wear blue overalls. They are babies. They do not yet know about how our society genderizes color.

    And this is a good question. I've seen it elsewhere before. I am undecided. Part of me thinks that the thought of having a baby shower and giving them gifts will tip them into deciding to keep the baby, especially if they are already on the fence. It also might make them think baby-raising is easier and less expensive than it is. "Diapers? I'll get a ton at my shower. I don't need to afford a crib or carseat either. People will give them too me! Babies aren't expensive at all!"
    my read shelf:
    Meredith's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
    40/112

    Photobucket
  • Options

    I agree with your mom that by going you're sending the message that it is ok to have a baby that young. The teenager's mother clearly has a few screws loose to allow her daughter to go through with this, and not even consider adoption.

  • Options
    I think it glorifies it.  I do not think it is ok.  I would not attend.  Of course I understand they need things, but I would buy them BASIC things - onsies, wash cloths, towels, shampoos, diapers, pajamas.  All things that are a necessity for a baby.   I would give it to her on a day other then the shower, and it definitely wouldn't be wrapped. 
  • Options
    Also - Mulitple showers - regardless of sex are tacky IMO. 
  • Options

    I'm torn. 

    On the one hand they are being thrown a party that it is in essence, congratulating them on their pregnancy.  Reinforcing negative behavior.

    On the other hand, the shower is for the baby and not really the mother. The baby can't help whose vagina it comes out of. 

  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_baby-showers-babies-having-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8c36928b-a6e4-495e-9620-7e2c59793765Post:475a2a0d-e8f3-4d1a-8250-c2e73b27bed2">Re: S/O Baby showers for babies having babies</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah no. If it were me (and I totally agree) my mum would've either: a) taken me straight to get it aborted or b) supported me through having it, then give it up and drive me to a nunnery for the remainder of my education.
    Posted by alixzafiris[/QUOTE]

    Pretty much this. My parents would have told me that they sacrificed too much for me to do that to myself. Not that I don't know awesome people who have had children young. But my parents would have been devastated.
    my read shelf:
    Meredith's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
    40/112

    Photobucket
  • Options
    I think that if the girl decides to keep the baby, the family should gather to offer her as much support as they can. That would be a lot more productive than shunning the girl. Like someone else said, how long can you keep punishing them?

    But I don't think it would be appropriate to throw a huge party to CELEBRATE it.

    So no, I don't think that a shower is appropriate, but it would be a nice gesture for people to offer gifts or help if they are so inclined.
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker
    Baby #2: Surprise BFP 9.19.12, EDD 5.24.13, natural m/c 10.19.13 at 9w
  • Options
    Eh, I threw my childhood best friend a baby shower when we were 17.  She had moved in with the guy, and they didn't have a lot of money, and neither did either of her families.  While we (her friends) certainly didn't glamorize her getting pregnant at 16, we still wanted to help her out as best as we could. I don't even think she registered; I think she was grateful for anything.  Our moms helped us out a lot with buying gifts, since none of us had a clue.  I guess 17 =/= 13, but it was still a pretty big shock to us to be buying our friend diapers and blankets right before our senior year of high school.
  • Options
    I will say though, we have an AMAZING pregnancy support center here, where moms can get tons of free stuff just by taking their parenting classes. So we didn't attend the shower(s) nor did we buy any gifts.
    image
    (Married)meganandshane.weebly.com~
    (Planning)shaneandmegan.weebly.com
  • Options
    My oldest sister got pregnant at 17......she was a senior in high school and hid the pregnancy until she was about 6 months pregnant.  I was 12 at the time and don't remember much of the details, but she did have a shower, and I remember feeling really awkward at it because I was so embarrassed for her. 
  • Options

    I think it glamorizes pregnancy and they (the young mothers) will be excited by all the presents and not really THINK about what all of this MEANS!

  • Options
    edited January 2010
    I'm always hesitant to offer my opinion on matters such as these because 1. Sometimes I look like a big, fat hypocrite, and 2. I could write a book. I'll try to do neither here, and just focus on what I know/feel.

    The shame of being a teen mom doesn't seem present like it was 18 years ago for me. I never took my daughter in public much at all, I never mentioned her at school or to people I'd just met... I just didn't want anyone pooling me with their mental image of a teen mother. Every single time I was introduced to someone I was judged. Especially by adults. Eventually I got over it and I felt confident enough after a few years to just do my thing and not giveashit what anyone thought, but it was the hardest thing I've ever done in the beginning; not letting people's judgement get me discouraged.

    On the rare occasion that someone held back judging me long enough to notice I was killing myself trying to right this "wrong" in my life, it touched me and it stayed with me forever. Just one "Hey, you know what? You are really doing well with all of this." elated me and pushed me to do even better more than any person will ever know.

    I had a baby shower, thrown by our (mine and EX's) friends. It was one day that no one whispered about the baby or the marriage in the hallway, and it was probably the only day in that entire pregnancy that I felt happy to be going through it and excited about having this baby and being a mom. Once she arrived I was all in, of course, but the pregnancy was so hard emotionally that I was unsure until that one day when all of my friends and family came together and celebrated my daughter without judgement.

    Today things are much different, and a lot more girls get knocked up, but I don't know if my giving a gift at a baby shower will sensationalize teen pregnancy, or just offer a little boost of compassion and help to a girl who really, really may need it. She'll be judged forever. Maybe she needs that one party.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_baby-showers-babies-having-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8c36928b-a6e4-495e-9620-7e2c59793765Post:8fb6f818-45c6-490b-a065-6778ccd2ea21">Re: S/O Baby showers for babies having babies</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm always hesitant to offer my opinion on matters such as these because 1. Sometimes I look like a big, fat hypocrite, and 2. I could write a book. I'll try to do neither here, and just focus on what I know/feel. The shame of being a teen mom doesn't seem present like it was 18 years ago for me. I never took my daughter in public much at all, I never mentioned her at school or to people I'd just met... I just didn't want anyone pooling me with their mental image of a teen mother. Every single time I was introduced to someone I was judged. Especially by adults. Eventually I got over it and I felt confident enough after a few years to just do my thing and not giveashit what anyone thought, but it was the hardest thing I've ever done in the beginning; not letting people's judgement get me discouraged. On the rare occasion that someone held back judging me long enough to notice I was killing myself trying to right this "wrong" in my life, it touched me and it stayed with me forever. Just one "Hey, you know what? You are really doing well with all of this." elated me and pushed me to do even better more than any person will ever know. I had a baby shower, thrown by our (mine and EX's) friends. It was one day that no one whispered about the baby or the marriage in the hallway, and it was probably the only day in that entire pregnancy that I felt happy to be going through it and excited about having this baby and being a mom. Once she arrived I was all in, of course, but the pregnancy was so hard emotionally that I was unsure until that one day when all of my friends and family came together and celebrated my daughter without judgement. Today things are much different, and a lot more girls get knocked up, but I don't know if my giving a gift at a baby shower will sensationalize teen pregnancy, or just offer a little boost of compassion and help to a girl who really, really may need it. She'll be judged forever. Maybe she needs that one party.
    Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

    VERY well said.  And no, I don't think you could ever seem like a hypocrite in a situation that you've been through that is similar to another person's, regardless of whether or not you agree with them.
  • Options
    Bec, how old were you?

    It just breaks my heart when they are so young, especially the 13 year old that brought this up.
    image
    (Married)meganandshane.weebly.com~
    (Planning)shaneandmegan.weebly.com
  • Options
    That's a good point, Bec.  I'm sure it must feel terribly lonely to be in that situation :(
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards