HM Registry... WHY is it rude?

JJJ625

I know that the general concensus around here is that a HM registry is considered rude. I have asked a few friends of varying ages about their thoughts on it, and no one seems to think there's anything wrong with it.

My thoughts are that making it known you want an experience or a service is no different than making it known you want an item. I've read on here that people take issue with the fact that the giver can't be guaranteed that the check from the registry company will really be used for a massage or kyacking or whatever. But someone who gives a vase from Macy's (or whatever) can't be guranteed that it won't be returned for shoes.

So, WHY is it considered rude?

emarston1

It's considered rude because you are lying to your guests.  Many guests believe they are actually buying you a dinner on the beach or an excursion but they really are just giving you money and trusting that you use it for the purpose for which it was intended.

JJJ625

But, like I said, would it be "lying" if I decided to return a toaster for a blender?

Why is it rude to expect someone I'm close enough to to invite them to my wedding to believe me?

AdeleDazeem

Cash is always a welcome gift - everyone KNOWS that.  No need to register for it.

Many of these sites take a portion off the top.  Your guest gives $50 but the site takes $5 so you get $45.  What the hell?  They could have just given you $50 cash.

Many sites also just cut you a check at the end (with a portion missing, of course) and your guests think they gave you a nice dinner on the beach and what you actually got was less than they gave and maybe you didn't even eat dinner.

If you want money, just have a small, real registry.  Asking for cash - in whatever format - is really rude.  Please don't make me say why - there's a huge thread on "Registering and Gifts" that goes over this right now.

emilyinchile

It's also basically just asking for money, which is rude. It's fine if someone asks what you want to say something about how you're saving up for the HM/house downpayment/etc, but it's another thing to make an entire registry which screams "give us cash."

HM registries package it as though you're asking for specific experiences, but when it comes down to it, you're just getting a lump sum.

From a traditional standpoint, a lot of people feel that it's ok for couples to ask for gifts to set up their household (even if they've been living together for years) but rude to just treat a wedding as an excuse to bust out a wishlist of other presents, like a vacation.

emarston1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:3389e3a0-bb1d-47af-8254-4861617456a5">Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]But, like I said, would it be "lying" if I decided to return a toaster for a blender? <strong>Why is it rude to expect someone I'm close enough to to invite them to my wedding to believe me?</strong>
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]
It's not about whether <em>you</em> are lying, the website is lying.  People think they are buying you an excursion when in fact they aren't which is a lie.

Example (although admittedly not perfect):  I order a toaster and the website delivers a blender.  That's not what I paid for and that's not what I wanted to give them.  I would be upset if this happened as I'm sure many guests are if/when they find out the truth about honeymoon registries.

graysquirrel

Many of the HM registry companies also take a portion of the donations as a fee. Aunt Gerty thinks she just gave you $200, but in reality she paid someone else to give you a portion of that. Also, many of the companies will cut you a check based on suggested values for dinners, massages, etc. instead of giving you the actual dollar amount. They keep the rest.

I think that some of the animosity also comes from the idea that wedding gifts were traditionally given as a way to help a couple set up their new lives together. Although values have changed and many couples choose to live together before marriage and may not "need" to "set up their household", the idea behind the gift still remains, I believe. It is better to simply let the givers give you cash than to ask them to fund your trip.

MNVegas

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:4a5d6566-e545-4eb6-a74a-e389c29c4dc6">HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]I know that the general concensus around here is that a HM registry is considered rude. I have asked a few friends of varying ages about their thoughts on it, and no one seems to think there's anything wrong with it.<strong> My thoughts are that making it known you want an experience or a service is no different than making it known you want an item</strong>. I've read on here that people take issue with the fact that the giver can't be guaranteed that the check from the registry company will really be used for a massage or kyacking or whatever. But someone who gives a vase from Macy's (or whatever) can't be guranteed that it won't be returned for shoes. So, WHY is it considered rude?
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Problem is that your guests are not buying you an experience or service. They are giving cash to a website, who in turns cuts you a check minus any fees. Why do you need some gimmicky website collect cash for you. Don't your guest know how to put cash/check in an envelope and give it to you directly?</div><div>
</div><div>Most HM registries are deceitful because you are misleading your guests into thinking they are buying you an actual gift when in fact you are getting a check. 

</div>

whitsy

Also, a HM is a vacation with a fancy name.  I would never in my life go around asking people to pay for a vacation, and a HM is no exception.

JJJ625

It's pretty obvious in 5 minutes of browsing a HM registry site that they take a cut. I have enough faith in my guests to figure it out if it's something they care about.
It might not be the best way of getting cash, but that doesn't make it rude IMHO.

whitsy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:62ae9775-ce2b-4087-b974-e3a9e3598159">Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's pretty obvious in 5 minutes of browsing a HM registry site that they take a cut. I have enough faith in my guests to figure it out if it's something they care about. It might not be the best way of getting cash, but that doesn't make it rude IMHO.
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]

So, ten posters have given you reasons, but you're still set on it. Why did you even ask?

Asking for cash is always rude. Always.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:62ae9775-ce2b-4087-b974-e3a9e3598159">Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's pretty obvious in 5 minutes of browsing a HM registry site that they take a cut. I have enough faith in my guests to figure it out if it's something they care about. It might not be the best way of getting cash, but that doesn't make it rude IMHO.
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]

Plenty don't do this.  They think that their loved ones would have the sense enough to not register for something that takes a cut off the top.

And if you ARE getting cash then it is rude.  Just like it's rude to register for something only with the intention of returning it for something else or cash.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:62ae9775-ce2b-4087-b974-e3a9e3598159">Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's pretty obvious in 5 minutes of browsing a HM registry site that they take a cut. I have enough faith in my guests to figure it out if it's something they care about. It might not be the best way of getting cash, but that doesn't make it rude IMHO.
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]

Oh goodie.  Another poster who wants what she wants, doesn't listen to valid arguments against it, and says "To hell with my guests money!  It's their fault they don't know how it works!"  Why post?  Why waste our time?

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:62ae9775-ce2b-4087-b974-e3a9e3598159">Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's pretty obvious in 5 minutes of browsing a HM registry site that they take a cut. I have enough faith in my guests to figure it out if it's something they care about. It might not be the best way of getting cash, but that doesn't make it rude IMHO.
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]

So why even ask?

JJJ625

I asked because I was hoping for a reasonable answer that would give me a differing opinion. But there was nothing new, just the same old "it's a lie" (which I don't think it is) and IT'S RUDE!!! answers. To each their own.

(edited)

emarston1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:f0d1a73f-e1ab-4e18-ac3c-9df2c5719c99">Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked because I was hoping for a reasonable answer that would give me a differing opinion. (duh.)
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]
So the fact that it is a straight up lie, isn't reasonable enough for you?  Interesting....

laurenclaire1386

It's rude to ask people for money. It's considered acceptable to point people in the right direction if they'd like to buy you a gift (ie registry.) It doesn't make the most sense, if you consider registry stuff equal to money. I don't think putting together a registry is the same thing as having a honeymoon registry. Picking items out for a registry isn't the same thing as straight up saying, "hey, how about you give me money?"

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:f0d1a73f-e1ab-4e18-ac3c-9df2c5719c99">Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked because I was hoping for a reasonable answer that would give me a differing opinion. (duh.)
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]

You got it.  But, I have a feeling that you just wanted to ask a controversial question, listen to the answers, but had no intention of changing your mind because you're doing a honeymoon registry no matter what we said.  It works for you, it sounds awesome for guests to pay for your honeymoon and to hell with everything else.

Congrats.  Enjoy your honeymoon.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:3389e3a0-bb1d-47af-8254-4861617456a5">Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]But, like I said, would it be "lying" if I decided to return a toaster for a blender? Why is it rude to expect someone I'm close enough to to invite them to my wedding to believe me?
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]


Its deceptive.
If you registered for a toaster, then returned it for a blender then, yeah, I would be, like, WTF, I got you a toaster that YOU said you wanted. Unless there was a duplicate gift situation or it broke.

Did your dinner for two break?

[Deleted User]

Eh. I actually don't really care about HM registries. I think the fact that most places take a cut is shitty, but otherwise, it just doesn't bother me.

And my most hated TK party line is the one about not paying for your sex vacation. I don't know about everyone esle, but I did a lot more than sex on my HM.

However, for me, it would also be about the fact that there are many people out there that do consider them to be in poor taste. For that reason, I wouldn't do a HM registry because I wouldn't want to turn any of my guests off.

[Deleted User]

And I'll also say that I've seen many traditional registries that contained items that I considered to be tacky.

NOLAbridealmost

In the days before registries, the prevailing social norm was to give the couple items that they could use in their life together; china, linens, silver, crystal stemware, etc. Eventually, someone who received 5 blenders and place settings in two different china patterns thought it would be a good idea for the bride and groom to register with the store so that guests would know which items the couple wants and know which items have already been purchased.  The registries didn't create a new category of things that the couple wants, but instead made it easier to purchase the exact sorts of gifts that would have been purchased anyway, but avoiding things like duplicates, etc. 

A honeymoon registry is an entirely different animal. It's not a simplified way for guests to give things they would have given anyway without a registry (read: household items) . It's asking for an entirely new category of thing. 

But mainly, and most importantly, honeymoon registries are different from traditional registries because one will have some people rolling their eyes at you behind your back and one won't.  The reasoning behind it isn't as important as the result: looking tacky to a decent percentage of your guests.

*Shrugs*  I don't mind them all that much. 

[Deleted User]

Oh. I understand all of the cons, but for me the bottom line is that if I care about you enough to go to your wedding, I care enough about you to get you what you really want. And if what you really want is for me to go to some website and pretend to buy you a massage, then great. That's a whole hell of a lot easier than going to target and fighting the crowds anyway.

RussoWill

IF you've asked friends about it and they don't see a problem with it, register for a few things on the HM registry website. I presonally didn't do a HM registry because I saw it as asking for money, and a lot of my relatives would just give us money anyways.
Some people want to give you a gift for your house and to make sure you get things you want to keep, definitely do a "traditional" registry at BBB or Target or something. I would personally feel weird writing a check for someone my age as a wedding gift, but I have "bought" something off a HM registry for a friend's wedding.

HockeyFan4

Make sure you decline showers....

AllisonW423

If you don't care whether your guests think it is rude to have a honeymoon registry, think about this reason:

You and FI decide to go to Mexico for honeymoon, but don't have enough budgeted to pay for meals the whole week there and fun trips to swim with dolphins or go hiking. "Oh," you think, "I will just register for these dinners and events on a HM registry." What happens if none of your guests have decided to pay for a meal or an excursion? Do you get on the plane to Mexico and just keep your fingers crossed that you can eat cheaply enough on your own dime? Hope that you can find excursions to participate in that you will enjoy and that you can pay for on your own?

If you register for a vase and don't receive it, you say "Oh, well, I can live without this vase or purchase it later." If you register for a candlelight dinner and don't receive it, especially if you can't/don't want to pay for it on your own, do you just not eat dinner?

LittleMissCutiePie

Because you're asking for money. No one buys the "experience" crap that honeyfunds try and put out there. You're essentially asking them to pay for your sex-cation, and when someone thinks of a wedding gift, they think of something useful, not an expensive trip. People want to give you something to make a home, and if you truly don't need anything, create a small registry, and people will get the hint and give you cash instead. Think of things that you could upgrade (ex. sheets, towels, new kitchen appliances...), and leave it at that.

SilverLining1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:60e6e886-3cec-41ca-aec8-c9cb52a0c545">Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude? : Excellent point.  OP, you clearly don't give a shiit what proper etiquette dictates, so why come to E just to be contrary?  That's dumb.  I hope everyone ignores your HM registry.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Wow. I care what proper etiquette dictates, but I find myself not really having a strong opinion on honeymoon registries because there seems to be a decent amount of gray area. Not everyone is a troll, okay? I was skimming, but I don't think I even saw her say that she had a honeymoon registry. I've asked the same question and I'm not even engaged.

</div>

nhahn2206

SilverLining, you should probably read the whole thread. OP clearly is doing a HM registry and doesn't care about any of the answers she got to her question. She was rude in her responses and basically looking for someone to validate her idea (which didn't happen).

SilverLining1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:a56696b8-cd4c-40fe-b630-3e97ddc5693c">Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Eh. I actually don't really care about HM registries. I think the fact that most places take a cut is shitty, but otherwise, it just doesn't bother me. And my most hated TK party line is the one about not paying for your sex vacation. I don't know about everyone esle, but I did a lot more than sex on my HM. However, for me, it would also be about the fact that there are many people out there that do consider them to be in poor taste. For that reason, I wouldn't do a HM registry because I wouldn't want to turn any of my guests off.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

<div>All of this. I really don't care about honeymoon registries other than the fact that they're only beneficial to the companies. If you "don't want to fund a sex fest" then don't use the website, geez.</div>

SilverLining1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:0b67f034-b2e9-4f4f-bdbf-33b3df96d0e5">Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]SilverLining, you should probably read the whole thread. OP clearly is doing a HM registry and doesn't care about any of the answers she got to her question. <strong>She was rude in her responses and basically looking for someone to validate her idea (which didn't happen).</strong>
Posted by nhahn2206[/QUOTE]

<div>I would mostly disagree.</div>