HM Registry... WHY is it rude?

nhahn2206

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:e8aea414-e24d-4095-8df6-2d12335e02b8">Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude? : I don't know if she is or isn't but I think she came over here because of this: <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude_.2">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude_.2</a> Second post from the bottom of the last page.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I guess she might not, but her responses sounded like she was pretty set on it. Makes no difference to me though. I'm not going to her wedding. :)

</div>

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:36416c52-98dd-4eca-b0d2-1e7c69cfcbcf">Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude? : Yeah this is the other thing about HMR (besides being rude); even if everyone tells you they like the idea, it doesn't mean they actually do.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

And that is why this thread is useful to anyone reading it and the OP.  People in your life will tell you it's great.  People here are telling you what those same family members could be saying behind your back.

Think on it.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:4a5d6566-e545-4eb6-a74a-e389c29c4dc6">HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]I know that the general concensus around here is that a HM registry is considered rude. I have asked a few friends of varying ages about their thoughts on it, and no one seems to think there's anything wrong with it. My thoughts are that making it known you want an experience or a service is no different than making it known you want an item. I've read on here that people take issue with the fact that the giver can't be guaranteed that the check from the registry company will really be used for a massage or kyacking or whatever. <strong>But someone who gives a vase from Macy's (or whatever) can't be guranteed that it won't be returned for shoes. </strong>So, WHY is it considered rude?
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]

<div>I think your analogy is off here.  To me, a honeymoon registry is more like registering for a vase <em>with the intention that you will return it for shoes from the start</em> - as a guest, that would be offensive to me, if I found out you registered for an item because it cost the same amount as the Coach boots you actually wanted, and were intending to return the item I picked for you to get your boots.  Honeymoon registries are the same thing - you are telling your guests one thing - "your purchase is going to pay for use to get massages!" - but are actually getting another thing - a check for a lump sum of cash.  To me, this feels like trying to trick or force guests who wouldn't otherwise be comfortable giving you cash into giving you cash.  You are asking for one thing knowing full well you will actually be receiving something else entirely - that's the deception that people take issue with.</div>

JJJ625

@cew- Good point about about not wanting to do something that others might find tacky, but also good point about the tacky sh*t on people's traditional registries!

@edie- I went to that thread because someone upthread directed me to it.

@Steph- Would you feel differently if the person really did use the money to get massages?

I hear over and over again about honeymoons being sex-fests... I could do that at home, for free I'm doing a honeymoon because my FI and I think a big adventure (that we can afford even if we get no gifts) will be an awesome way of starting out our marriage. Sex has very little to do with it.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:da213c14-b91d-4f8a-b917-515b3018091a">Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]@cew- Good point about about not wanting to do something that others might find tacky, but also good point about the tacky sh*t on people's traditional registries! @edie- I went to that thread because someone upthread directed me to it.<strong> @Steph- Would you feel differently if the person really did use the money to get massages?</strong> I hear over and over again about honeymoons being sex-fests... I could do that at home, for free I'm doing a honeymoon because my FI and I think a big adventure (that we can afford even if we get no gifts) will be an awesome way of starting out our marriage. Sex has very little to do with it.
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]

<div>Not really, because the registry company is still just handing you a check.  If I'm going to the trouble of giving you something off of a registry, it's because I'm <em>not</em> comfortable giving you a check, KWIM?  Also, to me, a honeymoon registry is an indulgence - I don't mind buying you a toaster, because it's something I know you need and will (hopefully) use for years to come.  I do mind buying you some fleeting luxury experience that you don't really need at all.  At the end of the day, a honeymoon registry is <em>designed</em> to to trick people into being comfortable with something they are fundamentally uncomfortable with - handing you cash for something you really and truly don't need.  If it's that important to you to get funds to upgrade your honeymoon, just have a small physical registry (or none at all) and when people ask if you're registered anywhere, you just say "Well, we have a small registry at X store, but we're focused on saving up for the honeymoon."  People will get the picture that you'd prefer to receive cash without being smacked in the face with some fee-grubbing, deceptive website.</div>

JJJ625

@edie... Joy, 4th-ish post down. (did you really think I was lying about that? Oy.)

chattychiqa

I asked my friends and inlaws and mom (three sets of the judgiest people ever) what they thought and they all said it would be nice to not have to wrap a gift.  That said, I do take issue with getting cash on the sly and my guests having to pay a fee.  I found a local travel agent who charges NO fee.  We are paying a deposit (basically airfare and hotel) and guests can pay for a buffet breakfast at the hotel, spa treatments, ziplining, a dinner, a day of car rental, etc (all these things are about $50 or under on average, I think, but guests can contribute whatever they want).  We HAVE the means to pay for the honeymoon start to finish, but since we both lived on our own, in houses, we don't need much.

A few BM's have said they want to throw a wedding shower.  I'll likely register at BBB or Target for tangible gifts for that, but nothing extravagant.  There will probably be things leftover, there always are, and if wedding guests want to purchase off that, it's okay too. 

Sidenote, I saw a wedding website where the couple said "You have until two weeks before the wedding to contribute to the honeymoon before it closes.  If you want to contribute after that, you'll have to write us a personal check."

Now THAT is rude. 

It was my kid's teacher, who is generally, eh.....

JJJ625

@eagles- She said she CAN afford the whole thing.

JJJ625

@hockey- Why?

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:a98041bc-923b-48ee-bfa2-7a9a7fd7e1a8">Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude? : See that little "quote" jobber on the bottom right of the post?  Hit that.  You'll be able to respond to individual posts.  Much easier than guessing which post you're referring to with "@" - that works better on Facebook and Twitter. I'm guessing you're asking about the shower?  Because if you aren't registered for physical gifts, which are opened at showers, why have one? <strong> I don't want to sit around and waste my afternoon watching you open vouchers or something.</strong>
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>Especially when the "vouchers" are a lie and you're really just going to pick up a check on the way to your honeymoon.</div>

JJJ625

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hm-registry-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d6a04fc-8c9a-4649-94a3-d9ed561b71e6Post:1717912f-f968-427a-a873-47a5f8120bc2">Re: HM Registry... WHY is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Then why is she registering?
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]


I don't think a registry is just for things a couple can't afford- it's for things they'd like. When you see a spatula or a rug or a blender on a registry, do you assume they can't afford it? And if you assume they can afford it, do you ask why they're registering for it?

(thanks for the quote tip!)