Shower for Co-Worker - Donation Registry

Belle0720

One of my co-workers is getting married next month. We aren't close and don't work together at all (just for the same company)but have bonded recently over our weddings. I heard she got engaged and congratulated her in passing and we got to talking that she had just looked at my wedding venue and fell in love. So we are both getting married at the same venue and chat about it whenever we see each other.

Anyways, I just got an outlook invite to a 'Cake Celebration' for her. Her 'registry' information is copied in the body of the outlook invite and requests no gifts but says that notes of well wishes would bring them joy. It does say though that if you are inclined to present a gift they ask that you honor their past loves by donating to one of the 2 organizations listed. She is a widow and her FI is a widower. I believe they lost their spouses to heart disease & cancer.

I know that Donation Registries are generally frowned upon since many organizations/causes may be controversial. So I was just curious if you would still consider this bad etiquette? I know (and I'm sure her close friends and family know much better than I do) that meeting each other has been a huge blessing for them after losing their spouses. It certainly did not offend me at all and personally I think it's really touching that they want to honor their deceased SOs. So what do you think?

ETA: I guess I shouldn't have titled the post shower since in the invite it doesn't say shower anywhere. Also at work we don't usually all buy gifts anyways. The person's work group or boss usually goes in on a gift together. I also don't know if she posted the donation info on a wedding website or anything for family/friends to see or if the person organizing the cake celebration simply asked her via email and that was her response.

Wheels987

This is my opinion, I think it's sweet. Technically you're not supposed to tell someone how to spend their money and so on... but I don't know, this pulls at my heart strings.

Peledreamsofrain

I think it's a sweet thought at first glance, but telling people what to do with their money doesn't go over well.

What if you knew about that organization, and didn't approve of how they spent their money?  Or how much went to actually helping people, and how much is used for 'overhead'?  Super uncomfortable.

Viczaesar

What is a cake celebration?

Belle0720

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_shower-for-co-worker-donation-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e44e29f-b62d-4e62-b29c-f77e5e670424Post:91899d45-bc50-41a8-8761-267ae7c42dfd">Re: Shower for Co-Worker - Donation Registry</a>:
[QUOTE]What is a cake celebration?
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

We usually get together for cake at work when someone is retiring, or getting married, or having a baby, etc. We eat cake, people say nice words about the person and we socialize and then go back to our cubes/offices. I've never seen them call it a 'cake celebration' before this, but I'm just guessing the person organizing it was trying to avoid the word 'shower'.

Kate61487

ehhh I find a "in leiu of gifts we'd appreciate donations here and here" less offensive than "in leiu of favors we've donated to this place".  At least you're not pretending your donation is somehow a gift to me and you're not associating my name with an organization I might not support.

But at the end of the day the B&G should really never say anything about gifts unless asked.  If asked I don't think I'd have a problem with "we really have everything we need, but if you feel compelled to give, a donation to X charity would mean a lot".  The giver is still perfectly capable of picking something else.

So I guess in conclusion I don't have a problem with picking a charity as your desired gift; but I do have a problem with volunteering that information instead of waiting to be asked.

libby2483

Well, it is generally frowned upon to mention gifts on an invitation, even to say, "no gifts required".  The only exception is shower invitations, but this doesn't sound like a shower.  Although, I have no idea what a cake celebration is, so I could be wrong.  In addition, if I am going to make a donation, I always donate to a local organization, so I wouldn't be interested in donating to a cause that was not local.  I think her heart is in the right place, so I wouldn't judge if I received this, but I also would not donate.

MrsGandthebeag

I think technically it is poor etiquette, but I personally wouldn't be offended.  

Jen4948

Me, I'm not a fan of linking weddings with charitable donations.

To be more specific, I have no problem whatsoever with couples choosing to make donations of their own funds.  I do have problems with:

1) couples announcing that it's "in lieu of favors" (favors aren't required anyway, so this doesn't come off as gracious, just as "see how selfless we are, giving something to someone else instead of you") but at least you're not doing this.

2) couples using their weddings to promote charities.  Weddings are not fundraisers or awareness-raising events.  Nor is it okay to tell someone else what to do with their money.  Maybe they don't support your cause, or don't want to give a donation as a "gift" to you, or just don't want to give a gift (and it is optional).  Again, it just doesn't come off as gracious or selfless.

So, by all means, make that donation, but keep it to yourself unless someone asks you first.

allychase

On the scale of etiquette faux pas this specific scenario would rank on my "don't really care" spectrum. I'm sure it was meant well, seeing as they don't really benefit from donations made to a charity. Now when the B&G are directing you how to spend your money on THEM, the tackiness SOARS on the etiquette faux pas scale.