Wedding Etiquette Forum

A rant about mom

Okay so today my mom decides she wants to start asking questions about the wedding.  We have been engaged for a little over two months so we are obviously still working on everything.  She starts off with "did you pick a date" we told her the date about a million times.  So she then goes on about how we should get married on a Friday because it will save us money.  We have to explain that we are having a lot of out of town guests and Friday weddings can get to be really inconvenient.  She also goes on about how we should get married married the feburary after... or October.. We are getting married November of 2013...  She also goes on about if we have the money because the wedding is really close.. (i did not know that almost a year and half away was super close)... She then starts saying well if you get married in this month we should do these colors and what color dress will I wear.. How much am I going to spend on my dress.  How here friend found her dress on sale at macys for $99.00 etc etc. She then starts asking how many people we are going to have there?  is it going to be 100...  I explained that my fiancésfamily (his immediate family) is close to 100 people so we will be having a large wedding.  Her response was we should cut out all of my fiancés cousins.  We have already explained to her that my fiance is very close with his family.  They are always all there for each other.   I want to yell at my mom to get over I am going to get married.  She thinks I am wasting my time doing all this and that I am stupid to get married. (this is because when she was married to my dad over 20 years ago they divorced when I was 5 and she's been with my stepdad for 20 years).  I just needed to rant and ask should I tell her to back off?  She is not paying for it at all but at the same time I don't want to hurt her.  Is there really proper etiquette to tell your mom to shut up and get over herself and her opinions to why I pick what I pick and do what I do?
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Re: A rant about mom

  • Until you and FI know what you want and it's set in stone. I'd avoid any wedding related talk, unless she's paying for it then I can see why she's asking the questions.
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  • It is really difficult for us to avoid wedding talk with her because we all live the same house so unless every time she mentions the wedding I walk out of the room it is really inevitable.
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  • kjohnson1201kjohnson1201 member
    First Comment
    edited June 2012
    This sounds much more like my FI's mom than mine. This is the woman who months ago before we were even engaged suggested that we not even have a big wedding because she doesn't want to stand in a recieving line with his father (they're divorced). When I responded that we will only do it once so we will do it right, she said "well I was only going to do it once things change."

    All that being said it's probably not the best idea to start picking fights, vent here or to your friends and let it roll off you.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-rant-about-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e78ab0c-c475-4af3-b1f2-6c454d2a4aacPost:c145d604-afec-4fc4-ab39-3c711ad032fd">A rant about mom</a>:
    [QUOTE]She thinks I am wasting my time doing all this and that I am stupid to get married. (this is because when she was married to my dad over 20 years ago they divorced when I was 5 and she's been with my stepdad for 20 years).
    Posted by amorg334[/QUOTE]
    That doesn't really explain why she thinks you're stupid to get married. She's been married twice. By that logic, she's been stupid twice and continues to be stupid. I don't follow...?
  • Well technically her and stepdad are not married they have been living together for 20 years and she wears a ring but more or less they are married.  I dont get it either and it is really frustrating because she does it all the time! 
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  • Those sound like typical Mom questions and suggestions. I'm sure she'll chill once you start ironing out most of the details. My mom had tons of questions when we first got engaged and hadn't set the guest list, date, or colors yet.

    As for her worrying about her dress and how much it will cost, maybe you two can go shopping together as the date gets closer. You could show her MOB dresses at a variety of websites when the fall fashion line comes out (July/August) so she can get a sense of colors and fabrics.
  • Then there's always the option of nodding your head and saying something vague like , "ok" or "that's interesting" or "i'll check that out, thanks" (the last one would be best for undecided stuff).  Just because she's stating her opinion does not mean that you have to confirm or reject what she says. 

    If later on down the road she comes back and asks what you decided about such and such a thing, you can always say "we're still deciding on that" or "we decided to go in a different direction but we're still fleshing it out".  In that way, whether she's trying to be helpful or not, you're retaining ultimate control without always having to give a full, detailed explanation.   She doesn't need details since as you say she's not contributing financially.
  • Time to start bean dipping.

    "Thanks for the suggestion mom, have you tried this bean dip, it's amazing!"
  • Well thats the thing is one minute she asks all these questions about the wedding and the next she tells me to just run away a elope.  I know if I were to do that she would be devistated.  I think she is starting to get a crazy mid life thing happen because I am her youngest and I am getting married
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-rant-about-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8e78ab0c-c475-4af3-b1f2-6c454d2a4aacPost:148f2f2c-44ab-4b23-ac57-694d0c555f02">Re: A rant about mom</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well technically her and stepdad are not married they have been living together for 20 years and she wears a ring but more or less they are married.  I dont get it either and it is really frustrating because she does it all the time! 
    Posted by amorg334[/QUOTE]

    Sounds like she's anti marriage, unless you're a common law state and they present themselves as married.  It's one thing not to deal with the whole world asking why you're not married; it's another to be married.
    I would just answer everything with "I don't know yet."
  • Sounds like she is just interested. Imo, this isn't something to get upset about. Maybe she is just annoying to you because you live with her. I love my mom, but if we are under the same roof too long, I get annoyed with everything she does.
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  • My mom oscilates between various different emotions regarding my engagement and wedding. She has a lot of resentment toward my father, but her story doesn't have to be my story; and if it is, she survived and so will I. 

    All I can say is it's really rough. You want your family to be supportive and happy for you. It's difficult when you're on an emotional roller coaster. It sounds like she might be trying to bring certain things up to prove you haven't thought things through all the way. I hope you don't mind me saying so. Maybe I'm projecting, but that's the vibe I get. 

    Ignoring the problem might be a temporary fix, but if you care about your relationship with her it might be time to have a heart to heart. Tell her that you value her opinion, but ultimately the decisions are yours, and it's putting unnecessary stress on you and your relationship with her to be bombarded with irrelevant information. She's trying to be helpful, but while you appreciate the thought, she's not actually helping; she's making things worse. 
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