Money Troubles! HELP!

staceyelizabeth062909

A large wedding is not a necessity to me. Actually, a wedding in general isn't. My fiance and I are completely content going to the Justice of the Peace. His mother isn't happy with that at all. My family is fine with whatever he and I want. His family wants a huge affair.

So, here's the catch. I'm paying my tuition. And his family isn't opening their checkbooks. I can't continue my education and pay for grand wedding at the same time. And he and I don't want to wait until after we graduate to get married. So, what do I do?

The best options I have come up with are:

1) We go to the Justice of the Peace. And then have a family barbecue at my parent's house. My family would do the cooking. It would be a laid back occasion. No dressing up. Just a get together. No requesting of gifts. We aren't getting married so we can recieve presents.

2) We have a small backyard wedding along with the same family barbecue. Still not extremely dressed up. And it's not the grand occasion his family wants but it's meeting in the middle.

It's what he and I can afford. Plain and simple. We don't want to start our life in debt just to have this one day when we don't need a special day to love each other.

Problem 2 - She wants to invite out-of-towners. What he and I wanted as a close-knit affair of no more than 50 people is going to double.

HELP ME!

[Deleted User]

It's your wedding. Do what you want. If she really wants to see you get married, then to the backyard wedding, but only if it's what YOU want as well. Also, don't make your family bring the food. If you can't afford a ton of food, then just to cake and punch.

Loopyseven

It's your wedding,  Do it however you wish.  Your in laws will get over the lack of party.  I think either of your two options are a nice compromise for you.  If she's not paying, she has no right to make demands for the guest list.

07ultraclassic

Personally - if it's already at this head, I say run off and elope. Save yourself the headache, drama and stress. It will keep your finances on track and you can keep your focus on schooling.

If his mother wants to host a gathering/BBQ/celebration (etc) for you after, let her have at it, your part will have been done.  

Good luck, and Happy New Year!

Elinetrouwt

Sorry to hear his family disagrees. The good thing is that since they are not offering money anyway, you don't need to listen to them anyway.

Both plan 1 and plan 2 sound lovely to me. Backyard family barbecues are the best! About the JOP or backyard wedding, make it whatever you feel comfortable with. And I wish our wedding was a 50 person affair! Unfortunately, FI has a large family and wants to invite them all. 

But by all means, if 50 people in the yard is what you and your FI want, go for it. If his family is complaining, tell them: 'Sorry, but this is what we want from our wedding, and even if we wanted to make it more grand, we simply cannot afford to have it any other way.' You are absolutely right about not going into debt over this.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-troubles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fde9733-b1eb-4fb8-a86e-e1079cdb91a0Post:70b6511d-4cae-4a7f-a5a7-71493ebe8849">Re: Money Troubles! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally - if it's already at this head, I say run off and elope. Save yourself the headache, drama and stress. Posted by 07ultraclassic[/QUOTE]

I don't agree with this at all. It's not this drastic point yet. His mother obviously wants to be a part of the wedding and it doesn't sound to me like she's being completely unreasonable. She just needs to understand the OP's limitations with respect to money. I think the OP could be creating an even bigger divide by eloping than just having a conversation with the FMIL about what she can afford. Even if it's the courthouse JOP wedding, she can still invite family.

volleygurl0306

Either option is very nice HOWEVER you don't have to do either.  If you are paying for it, you can do exactly what you want and only have to please yourselves.  If you just want to go to the JOP, do that.  And if a wedding is not important to you definitely do not derail your education.  As PP said about your family cooking, if that is what they offered, that is okay.  Volunteering that for them isn't okay and you should look to a local BBQ restuarant to cater (and you should pay).  Since you control ther purse strings, you also control the guest list so if you don't want our-of-towners, don't invite them.  Your FI should explain to his mom both of your educational goals and that it is about the two of you getting married, not about having a wedding.  If her checkbook is staying closed, so should her mouth!

staceyelizabeth062909

You're right. He and I don't care about the presents or the showers. We just want to be together.

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-troubles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fde9733-b1eb-4fb8-a86e-e1079cdb91a0Post:51d48820-b5ef-495b-a9a2-bb239c81fb9e">Re: Money Troubles! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]It's your wedding,  Do it however you wish.  Your in laws will get over the lack of party.  I think either of your two options are a nice compromise for you.  If she's not paying, she has no right to make demands for the guest list.
Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]

I agree with this, also you and your FI are doing the right thing having a wedding that you can comfortable afford without going into debt.

staceyelizabeth062909

And my Dad offered to take care of the food. He likes to cook.

emilyinchile

Chrissy, re-read: "We aren't getting married so we can recieve presents." Meaning the reason for their marriage is not to receive presents, not that they aren't getting married at all.

OP, are you 21? I ask not to make a judgment on young brides, but because you being relatively young would help me to understand why you care so much about what his family wants. Yes, it's family, and you don't want to upset family, but there is also no sane reason to plan your wedding in a way you don't want just because it's what a family member wants, especially if you can't afford it. Explain to his parents that this is the wedding you really want and do it your way.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Check and see how many people the JOP office can accomodate. You can invite parents and siblings to come with you and then take them out for brunch/lunch/dinner.

staceyelizabeth062909

My dad isn't a very mushy guy. He isn't very talkative. He likes to busy himself with other things. He gets kinda embarrassed by show of affection. He has a funny way of showing his love. I think cooking is his way of separating himself from the crowd and being helpful. And he loves to feel needed.

staceyelizabeth062909

I think food poisoning would be more worrisome if it was going to sit out all day. But it would be a family BBQ. Cooking while people are there, having drinks, etc. I think it would be ok.

staceyelizabeth062909

I've offered the catering idea to Mom and Dad. Momma says it's too expensive (which is true) and my Dad's ribs belong in a restaurant (and he knows it!) So, no caterer could make me happier food wise than my Momma and Dad's southern cooking.

RaptorSLH

I've been to a small, informal family-catered wedding, and it worked out fine.  Better than fine, because no caterer would have replicated the family recipies and fire pit roasted lamb that had so much history for the couple.  The act of cooking also promoted socialization: there was one one chatty cluster in the kitchen, and another over the fire pit.  The friendliness and memorable menu of that wedding are a hard memory to beat.

Food poisoning is a legitimate concern I guess, but unless you know someone has poor hygene and food prep skills, not a very big one.  She's only inviting the immediate family and friends who would take that kind of risk at an ordinary cookout.  The food is being prepared on site, not transported for hours.  Honestly, do some of you never have family picnics?  Never cook for your guests, or have family dinners at the holidays?  Life is full of risks, and this one is well within accepted normal boundaries.

froggatt.clare

I agree with Raptor about the food poisoning issue.  My family had huge holiday open house parties and summer picnics at our house, and there was never an instance of food poisoning.  It sounds like the party would just be close family and friends, and with her dad as an experienced grill chef, it would be fine in this case for him to contribute.

OP, it sounds like you are leaning toward some kind of family celebration.  Don't bow to your in-laws' wishes because they may take it as a sign that they can walk all over you after you are married.  You and FI stick to your guns and have your small wedding.  I think it sounds lovely.

WildMagelet

FI and I are planning the wedding that we can afford.  We're planning on a small, intimate affair of our nearest and dearest.  I think our final guest list is 36, including us and +1s for single guests.  IMO, if our parents want to turn our wedding into a full-scale over-the-top family reunion, they are more than welcome to help pay for it.  I can't afford to, nor would I necessarily want to even if I could.  Hosting distant family that I don't normally see or talk to isn't on my list of priorities for my wedding day.  I won't ask my parents to help pay, but I'll be more than happy to explain to them that I can't invite everyone and their mom simply because we're having the wedding we can afford.   

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-troubles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fde9733-b1eb-4fb8-a86e-e1079cdb91a0Post:93380b1b-5267-4c45-90df-b22fdf3cbd0a">Re: Money Troubles! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]I've offered the catering idea to Mom and Dad. Momma says it's too expensive (which is true) and my Dad's ribs belong in a restaurant (and he knows it!) So, no caterer could make me happier food wise than my Momma and Dad's southern cooking. :)
Posted by staceyelizabeth062909[/QUOTE]

<div>You could consider hiring 1 or 2 people to help with clean up and keeping serving dishes full.  That should be cheaper than having someone actually cater it, and it means that no one from your family is in the kitchen washing dishes or has to worry about trash cans overflowing.  </div>

RussoWill

I think you seem to have already decided on your wedding plans! Fi's mom will end up enjoying the day. I think your option 2 sounds like the best option, especially for FI's mom (and all of your family for that matter!) to witness the marriage. Your plan sounds intimate, fun and family-oriented- everything a wedding should be. I would suggest wearing a cute dress (even if its $15 from Target) for that "I'm getting married feeling." And maybe get some corsages for your mom and MIL to make it seem more weddingy for FMIL as a peace offering.
Good luck, and congrats!

Jana711

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-troubles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fde9733-b1eb-4fb8-a86e-e1079cdb91a0Post:0d449136-5ae0-4b1c-984e-230a533c1626">Re: Money Troubles! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Money Troubles! HELP! : If you sign a marriage certificate, then you are married.  If you go to a JOP, you are married.  Don't demean the wedding you want because your FILs are telling you going to the JOP isn't getting married. PS, I love this idea.  If you and your FI like it.  Then I say do this one.  When you tell his parents the wedding plans, tell them as a united front and there is no way of changing the plans.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

<div>She's saying that their intentions for getting married aren't related to gifts.</div>

Sydney91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-troubles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fde9733-b1eb-4fb8-a86e-e1079cdb91a0Post:15fe41c4-2519-48cf-825a-a3a450ca1fc5">Re: Money Troubles! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry to hear his family disagrees. The good thing is that since they are not offering money anyway, you don't need to listen to them anyway. Both plan 1 and plan 2 sound lovely to me. Backyard family barbecues are the best! About the JOP or backyard wedding, make it whatever you feel comfortable with. And I wish our wedding was a 50 person affair! Unfortunately, FI has a large family and wants to invite them all.  But by all means, if 50 people in the yard is what you and your FI want, go for it. If his family is complaining, tell them: 'Sorry, but this is what we want from our wedding, and even if we wanted to make it more grand, we simply cannot afford to have it any other way.' You are absolutely right about not going into debt over this.
Posted by Elinetrouwt[/QUOTE]
I love this advice. I saw in an earlier post something about not forcing your family to make food at a backyard wedding. If they offer or agree to help, go for it! My FMIL and future Grandmother-in-laws wanted to cook for our wedding, but we declined to give them a stress-free day (they can be high-strung, which was how they were described to me just before I met them by my FI, FFIL, and future grandad-in-laws). If your FIL's are not paying, they cannot dictate the terms of your wedding. One of his grandmother's wants us to have a big ballroom wedding, but our venue is a small community hall in a ghost-town. When she asks about changing our plans, we say we can't financially, that it is important we pay our own way, and that our wedding will have much more significance to us in the venue we have chosen than in a hotel ballroom.