Step-child, Inviting Other Children, and Excluding Bad Seeds Conundrum

Mariposa1976

So...my fiance has a five year whom I love very much.  All in all, he is a great kid, that is until you introduce his 2 older cousins.  I threw my step-son a big birthday party for his 5th Birthday.  Unfortunately, his 2 cousins arrived first and began to violently burst all of the balloons that my fiance had inserted glow sticks into and blown up.  I asked them to stop and they, of course, ignored me.  Then they starteded violently playing with my step-son.  No one supervised them and I made my fiance take the reins.  My step-son ignored all of the other kids at that the party that were his even his friends to rough house with his cousins.

I was hoping to make my wedding kid friendly, but I know that having Bad Seeds #1 and Bad Seed #2 will ruin my big day.  Also, I have out of town friends that I am certain will not come if I say no children.

What do I do?

Gustafson28

It is best to invite in circles. SO, if some of your other cousins get to bring their kids but these people don't they will wonder what is going on. You could easily only have kids who are involved in the wedding invited though.

If it will save mroe drama than create, I would just tough it out and invite them. Maybe have a kids area where they can go and be kids. Bouncy castle or Disney movies?

Jen4948

Yikes, that is a conundrum.

On the one hand, you'll have people refusing to come without their children; on the other, these bad seeds are really out of control.

What I myself would do in that situation is invite no children and let their parents decline the invitation, but if that doesn't work for you, before issuing any invitations, explain to your fiance and the parents of these kids that this behavior is totally unacceptable at your wedding.  Make your decision on the basis of their reaction.

NOLAbridealmost

Etiquette says you can exclude the bad-seeds.

Family politics?  That's an entirely different matter.  Aren't these kids your FI's nephews?  That's basically as close to immediate family as it gets without being immediate family.  If you start inviting "further removed" kids (ie., friend's kids) you really run the risk of hurting feelings.

I'd skip all kids if I were you.  Offer your OOT friends a babysitter if you think that will help. 

Mariposa1976

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_step-child-inviting-other-children-and-excluding-bad-seeds-conundrum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:91241bb6-a032-4c01-bc83-9634101e3da1Post:c28d2853-2f12-4260-8ac2-8aaaf25f9a52">Re: Step-child, Inviting Other Children, and Excluding Bad Seeds Conundrum</a>:
[QUOTE]Etiquette says you can exclude the bad-seeds. Family politics?  That's an entirely different matter.  Aren't these kids your FI's nephews?  That's basically as close to immediate family as it gets without being immediate family.  If you start inviting "further removed" kids (ie., friend's kids) you really run the risk of hurting feelings. I'd skip all kids if I were you.  Offer your OOT friends a babysitter if you think that will help. 
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.  I very much appreciate the support.  By the way, I was just in New Orleans for my birthday and proposal!</div><div>

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Mariposa1976

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_step-child-inviting-other-children-and-excluding-bad-seeds-conundrum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:91241bb6-a032-4c01-bc83-9634101e3da1Post:d7688f35-fce1-416e-a5b6-5474aa6a60f5">Re: Step-child, Inviting Other Children, and Excluding Bad Seeds Conundrum</a>:
[QUOTE]It is best to invite in circles. SO, if some of your other cousins get to bring their kids but these people don't they will wonder what is going on. You could easily only have kids who are involved in the wedding invited though. If it will save mroe drama than create, I would just tough it out and invite them. Maybe have a kids area where they can go and be kids. Bouncy castle or Disney movies?
Posted by Gustafson28[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;background-color:#ffffff;">Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.  I very much appreciate the support</span>

</div>

Mariposa1976

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_step-child-inviting-other-children-and-excluding-bad-seeds-conundrum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:91241bb6-a032-4c01-bc83-9634101e3da1Post:dbefe03e-f4a1-4a9e-9e1c-c5259be419fb">Re: Step-child, Inviting Other Children, and Excluding Bad Seeds Conundrum</a>:
[QUOTE]Yikes, that is a conundrum. On the one hand, you'll have people refusing to come without their children; on the other, these bad seeds are really out of control. What I myself would do in that situation is invite no children and let their parents decline the invitation, but if that doesn't work for you, before issuing any invitations, explain to your fiance and the parents of these kids that this behavior is totally unacceptable at your wedding.  Make your decision on the basis of their reaction.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;background-color:#ffffff;">Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.  I very much appreciate the support  and the great advice.</span>

</div>

Mariposa1976

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_step-child-inviting-other-children-and-excluding-bad-seeds-conundrum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:91241bb6-a032-4c01-bc83-9634101e3da1Post:d7688f35-fce1-416e-a5b6-5474aa6a60f5">Re: Step-child, Inviting Other Children, and Excluding Bad Seeds Conundrum</a>:
[QUOTE]It is best to invite in circles. SO, if some of your other cousins get to bring their kids but these people don't they will wonder what is going on. You could easily only have kids who are involved in the wedding invited though. If it will save mroe drama than create, I would just tough it out and invite them. Maybe have a kids area where they can go and be kids. Bouncy castle or Disney movies?
Posted by Gustafson28[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;background-color:#ffffff;">Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.  I very much appreciate the support.  I was thinking of a kid area even without the 2, but I know I would opening a can of worms if i excluded them.  Thanks again.</span></div>

SB1512

If you do invite the bad seeds, will you be having a day of coordinator at your wedding?  If so, that person can be given a heads up about the behavior these children exhibit and if they begin to damage property or touch things they shouldn't be (gifts, cards, the cake on display) the DOC can march those two right up to their parents and ask them to either reign in their children or leave the reception.  I'm not one to usually tell people how to parent, but if they were damaging venue property that's a completely different story.

pink34562000

Either everyone can bring their kids or no one can bring kids. The exception is your step son. If you say yes for some guests and no for others, people will be really upset. Either you allow all children there including the bad cousins or no children. You can always help any out of town guests with babysitters.

kmmssg

In Response to Re: Step-child, Inviting Other Children, and Excluding Bad Seeds Conundrum:
[QUOTE]Either everyone can bring their kids or no one can bring kids. The exception is your step son. If you say yes for some guests and no for others, people will be really upset. Either you allow all children there including the bad cousins or no children. You can always help any out of town guests with babysitters.
Posted by pink34562000[/QUOTE]

the bold part is entirely incorrect.  Children are the same as any other category of guests.  You don't have to invite all your coworkers, neighbors, or church family.  You DON"T have to invte all children just to pacify their entitled parents.  You invite based on relationship.

Since we are talking nephews here, that gets sticky.  Has your FI spoken to his sibling who is the parent of the two atrocious children?  What I would like to know is what FI has to say about all of this as it is important here.

As far as atrociaous children?  I have broken a friendship with a couple who have procreated 4 of the most ill-behaved, ill-mannered daughters you can imagine.  There were 4 couples in our group before we started having kids.  (DH and I are blended family and had a child together when the other 3 couples were starting their families).

I have a relationship with the children of the two couples I still hang out with.  I had to quit inviting the bad parent couple to events because they refuse to control their children and parent them.  I was not going to give up my relationship with the other kids and do the "all or no kid" kind of thing.

I think people who have ill-behaved/ill-mannered children need to start being left out of things so they can see the consequences of their failure to parent.  While my former friends didn't change, I no longer have the axiety of dealing with their children.  From what I hear, they really aren't inviting to hang out with much of anyone due to their kids.

arendiva

I wouldn't risk not having dear friends come (because they can't bring their kids) just to spare the feelings of the bad parents. You you have bad kids than that is your fault. The consequence is that they won't be invited to formal events. Hey at least your still inviting the bad parents.

Kate61487

I'm also curious on FI's take on this - they are his nephews after all.  What does he think about them possibly not being invited?  While ettiquette-wise any of your three choices are fine, realistically in most family dynamics option 1 would NOT go over well.  Does your FI have the type of open relationship with his sibling where you could sit down and talk to them about their sons' behavior?  Perhaps they'd want to leave the kids at home and have a night out without him?

I feel for you on this, our niece and nephew have two horribly behaved cousins on the other side of the family and whenever they're around our niece and nephew's behaviour takes a big turn for the worse.  Thankfully our badseeds live out of town AND aren't actually related to us, so we don't have to see them very often.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_step-child-inviting-other-children-and-excluding-bad-seeds-conundrum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:91241bb6-a032-4c01-bc83-9634101e3da1Post:0641e23c-443c-49c6-8bc3-b83ca596e0d5">Re: Step-child, Inviting Other Children, and Excluding Bad Seeds Conundrum</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree that children are an "all or nothing" wedding invitation requirement. We exclude some adults from wedding invitations because of obnoxious behavior. Why should children be excluded simply because they are children? Well-behaved young people shouldn't be punished by being excluded because, "well, if we can't invite sister's hellions, then we shouldn't invite ANY kids at all."  Additionally, well-behaved young people should no more be subjected to the behavior of the hellions than the adults. People whose "bad seeds" aren't invited will, hopefully, start to wonder WHY people aren't inviting their "bad seeds" to social events.  Society has done this throughout the ages.  It's not rude to exclude the ill-behaved, regardless of age, for social functions.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Consider posting this on the Wedding Channel as well.  I agree completely.