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NWR but still Etiquette Related

Just a little background:  my FI and I have decided to not live together until we are married for numerous reasons.  Many of my family members have sent invitations addressed:  The ___Family, meaning my parents, myself, and my sister.  I understand it, save on postage.  My father's neices and nephews (my cousins) have always extended the invitation to my FI, whether it be a phone call or a text or FB message and its usually like "hey totally forgot to put FI on invite, but please know hes invited."  That's totally fine with me.

Yesterday my parents received an invitation to my mom's cousin's surprise birthday party.  It was addressed: The ____ Family.  Like I said, with my other cousins they have always reached out and told me that FI was also invited.  This time, not so much.

I think its rude that we aren't (or least I'm not) getting a separate invitation for us; my father feels the same way regardless of whose sending the invitation.  I'm in my late 20s and going to be married in another year and couple of months.  I feel like I should be getting my own invitation, regardless of whether or not I or he still live at home.  

Would it be rude to ask if my FI is able to attend?  FI thinks its rude, but like I said, I think its rude that I'm not getting a separate invitation, or at the very least include his name on the inviation, or put guest.

Any ideas on how to approach this with my cousin?  Sorry if the post was so long, just though I'd provide some background info on the living situation so it was a little bit more explained.

Thanks ladies!
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Re: NWR but still Etiquette Related

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    I'd wait a little while. Are you close to this person? If I were, I'd ask before the RSVP date. If not, I would just decline the invite. 
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    My dad's family is usually good with letting us know that FI is invited.  My mom's side of the family is a whole other story.  I used to be close with my cousin who is throwing the party (its for her mom).  We actually stopped being close when my FI and I started dating over 3 years ago.  (She dated FI's friend at the same time FI and I started dating.  It didn't work out and she distanced herself from everyone, including me).  

    The party is in January and the RSVP date is January 1st.  I know I asked my mom and she said her and my dad were definitely going.  I know my sister isn't going because she works on the weekends.
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    itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2012
    If you would like to attend, call or email the host and inquire. Otherwise, just leave it be.

    Yeah, it sucks, they're kind of rude about not sending you your own invitation...but it's a birthday party not tea with the Queen of England.

    It will probably go something like this.....

    50ShadesofMe: "Hey, Cousin Mary, my folks shared the invite to Aunt Jane's birthday party with me. My Fiance Joe and I would love to attend"

    Cousin Mary: "Great! It will be nice to see you and Joe. Aunt Jane will be thrilled"

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    Edie, that's exactly how I feel.  My dad always sent family members who were over 18 their own invitations with the ability to bring a guest.  He's actually upset that my sister and I don't get the same consideration.  Like I said, at least my dad's family has always extended the invite to FI, whether formally or informally.  I guess I just feel slighted by the situation and upset.  
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    itzMS:  I almost don't want to attend because of the rudeness, but I know my mom will be upset if I don't go.  I guess I'll see what happens in a week or so.  

    I could always have my mom RSVP for her and my dad, and if they ask about me, I could always have her say:  well, she needs to make sure her she has no plans with FI, and see what the response is from there.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-but-still-etiquette-related?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:92577422-2151-4e44-bf16-643402133c47Post:7319affc-c339-4d2b-8b34-468b52882640">Re: NWR but still Etiquette Related</a>:
    [QUOTE]itzMS: <strong> I almost don't want to attend because of the rudeness</strong>, but I know my mom will be upset if I don't go.  I guess I'll see what happens in a week or so.   I could always have my mom RSVP for her and my dad, and<strong> if they ask about me</strong>, I could always have her say:  well, she needs to make sure her she has no plans with FI, and see what the response is from there.
    Posted by 50ShadesofMe[/QUOTE]

    Bolded part one: they might not be rude on purpose
    Bolded part two: what if they don't?

    If the only reason why you wouldn't attend is that your FH isn't invited (totally legitimate), say exactly what the PPs said.  Say that you received the invitation and wanted to make sure that FH was also invited.  Chances are that she'll say yes and think that you should have assumed that.  I'd probably say, "Oh, I wasn't sure because his name wasn't on the invitation" in hopes that she'd catch the hint.

    If she says, "No, he isn't invited," you simply reply, "Thanks for letting me know.  In that case, I will not be attending."

    Just be straightforward.
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    Ditto on PPs advice about asking. You'd be amazed how many people just space out on it and assume you would bring the FI automatically. Not everyone has a lovely etiquette board to steet them straight on things.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    I'm married and living in my own house, and the only reason I knew about Thanksgiving at my aunt's house is because my mom called me. Some families don't follow the formalities, even if they should. Just call or text the host and ask if your FI can come. 
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    With my family dynamics I would have simply called my cousin or had my mom call.     If your family is somewhat close no one should feel slighted someone asking the clarification.

    But that's how we roll in situations like that.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    You're right.  As someone over 18, you SHOULD be receiving your own invitation.  I think there is nothing wrong with calling up cousin to clarify the invitation though.  "Hi cousin, we're getting ready to return the RSVP for Aunt's party.  Just wanted to confirm that FI is included in the invitation before we put it in the mail".  She will either say yes or no, and you can go from there.  I wouldn't be overly upset about the "family" invitation because as PP said - not everyone knows the formal ettiquette involved in invitations, but if upon asking your FI is not invited, I would definitely be upset about that.
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